Only By Grace

 

Cosmos and Sky, by Melissa Agustin, Chiang Mai, Thailand

In Christ alone, I place my trust

And find my glory in the power of the cross

In every victory, let it be said of me

My source of strength

My source of hope is Christ alone.

- Brian Littrell

Today is Mother's Day.

There's so much that I could say about being a mother, especially now that I am not only a mother, but also a mother-in-law, and a grandmother.

Forty-five years ago, on May 9, my first-born son was born. That date marked the beginning of my motherhood journey. First Born Son was born at 4:30 o'clock in the morning. An hour later, back in my hospital room at the Lady of Mercy, I saw a beautiful pink glow spreading across the dawn sky. Seeing it from my bed, fresh from the awesome experience of giving birth, that sunrise spoke to me of wonderful things in store as I was about to embark on a new journey. The journey of motherhood.

As mothers we all have had dreams and lofty ideals regarding our children even before they were born. The nine months preceding the actual birth gave us ample time to prepare ourselves emotionally, spiritually, physically... including the practical matters of buying baby things, preparing the nursery, and all those other details too many to mention. Our hearts were filled with joyous expectation for the child still unborn.

But no matter the preparation we may have done, nobody is truly adequately prepared for motherhood. It is a hands-on learning. We learn motherhood as we go.

As a first-time mother filled with love and plans for my son, and a heart brimming with nothing but good intentions, I realized years later the numerous mistakes I made in bringing up not only my first born, but the second, and the third child as well.

And that is my first realization -- that motherhood is a journey in humility. I had to admit that I needed God's guidance to be a mother that would bring up a child who was not emotionally damaged from all the mistakes I had made bringing him up.

There would be redeeming moments in the years to come. And that is the second realization - that motherhood is all about redemption. Despite our best intentions, we all have fallen short. There are things we have done in the past that can never be undone, only redeemed.

And this is my greatest hope: that it is okay to be an imperfect mother, it is okay to be a mom who does not have it all together. Jesus died on the cross to redeem me and my children from my inevitable errors in being their mother.

Motherhood is all about a journey of doing the best thing you know, yet in the end it is most of all being transformed from glory to glory.

There are many shining moments in this motherhood journey. In spite of all the sleepless nights and the day-to-day dying to self in nurturing your children, there comes a day when you have safely brought them over to the other side. You watch them graduate, pursue their dreams, get married, begin to raise their own families.

They are doing well, and you find yourself saying, "I have not done too bad after all."

And you beam with pride. Yet you can only say, with much humility, "With the help of God, and by His grace alone, I have brought forth a child." 

Now that my children are all grown, with careers and families of their own, still I take no credit for what they have become. It's all by grace and by grace alone.

And for mothers who are struggling, mothers with wayward and rebellious children, just remember, it is a journey of redemption. God is not finished yet. 

Motherhood, above all, is a journey of hope.

And yes, motherhood is a journey of prayer, of humility, of utter dependence on God. It is a battle for the hearts and minds of our children in the midst of a wicked and perverse generation. 

But after all has been said and done, the ultimate victory belongs to God alone.

Praise be to Abba Father for the honor and the privilege of being a mother.

Grief: A Journey of Being and Becoming

Niederhorn in summer 

Bernese Oberland, Switzerland

image source

(An excerpt from my Grief Journal.)

Next month, on November 23, it will be sixteen years since Ernie went home to heaven.

It also marks my sixteenth year as a widow.

That's truly amazing, noting those numbers. On paper, they are mere numbers. In real life, sixteen years translates to about five thousand eight hundred forty days. 

That's how long I have lived life without my husband by my side.

Which only goes to show that there's life after widowhood. And yes, I have survived.

There are many thoughts going through my mind as I write these lines. Going back to the initial days of life without Ernie. Celebrating important family events minus the patriarch of our little clan. Included now in our celebrations would be the visits to his grave at the memorial park. It may sound bittersweet, but yes, we have also celebrated his birthday and the day he left earth as important parts of our annual family remembering. 

Life's like that. There are events to remember, events we never allow ourselves to forget. Not that we have to. We want to remember. Because in remembering, we show honor, respect, and appreciation for the legacy that he has left behind.

I know I have often said this, there's beauty in remembering. It reminds us that there are persons who have gone ahead on whose shoulders we stand. It keeps us humble to acknowledge that we owe other people the thanksgiving for what they have contributed to what we are today. And Ernie, for one, has certainly done much to mold me and shape me into what I am today.

He is one of God's best gifts to me. God let me enjoy him for thirty-two years (one year as his friend, 1976-1977, one year as his fiancée, 1977-1978, and thirty years as his wife, 1978-2008). I could have wished for more years with him, but those years are enough. I fully trust God's timing in everything.

The sixteen years of widowhood have been God's amazing tools for me "to be and to become."

In 1975, I graduated from university with a bachelor's degree in Journalism. Philosophy was my minor. I write this to explain that after reading a number of philosophical works during my university years, I ended up with one favorite, and that was Soren Kierkegaard. His treatise on being and becoming emphasized that becoming is the progression from non-being to being, where non-being is possibility and being is actuality.

He also taught that the real aim or purpose of life is to achieve true individuality, which he calls selfhood; however, it is also true that there are people who exist at a level below true selfhood.

Reading these ideas at a time when I was still a new believer in Christ just blew my mind away. And the idea of being and becoming has stayed with me all through the years that I discovered more and more of what it means to be a genuine Christ follower. 

As I reflect on the past sixteen years of my life as a widow, I realize that this season of my life was ordained by my heavenly Father to put me on the journey that Soren Kierkegaard spoke about.

Indeed, it has all been an amazing road to travel.

There are many things that can never be shared openly on this public media. However, I am free to talk about the emotions that went with them. During my past years, I have struggled with the realization that Ernie left me with certain burdens that have weighed me down... issues that only a few close friends know of. For the most part of the past years, I have lived with uncertainty and fear. On the surface I laughed and smiled, and many did not know about the private battle going on inside.

It was a journey of learning to trust God with the outcome of my faith. At this point, I fully understand what it means when I say, the burden of outcome is not mine to carry. But I did not know that then.

For years I cried out to God, I believe, Lord, help my unbelief.

Suddenly, in the 70th year of my life, God gave me the freedom I never knew was coming. In my fifteenth year as a widow, I experienced what triple grace felt like. Five is the number of grace, and three times five equals fifteen. Yes, triple grace operating in my life felt awesome.

So this post comes at a beautiful time. Fifteen is coming to an end, sixteen feels like a new beginning.

Now it is clear to me, widowhood was God's gift to me, but probably not in the same way that marriage to Ernie was a gift. Widowhood was a bittersweet journey, it was bitter and sweet in its various stages.

I write about this in a blog I wrote last year: A Door of Hope in the Wilderness

Before I end, let me take time to explain why I chose the photo above. It is a photo of the Niederhorn, a portion of the Alps in the Bernese Oberland in Switzerland. It was taken in the summer season. This photo strikes me as significant because I had visited this place in June of 1997, and it was late spring, not quite summer yet. It is a lovely place in the Alps, it reminded me so much of heaven.

And now, years later... here I am at the summer of my journey, which started in winter, progressed through spring, and now, it is summer. The perspective from which I view the past events allows me to understand that what happened needed to happen to bring me to where I am today. God alone knows best.

My journey to being and becoming continues. I do not want to live at a level below true selfhood, never reaching the purpose that God created me for. I want to become who He wants me to be. Widowhood is a gift I didn't ask for. But in many ways, being a widow has strengthened my faith, and revealed to me abilities that I wouldn't have known I had if I had not become a widow. The journey to true selfhood I believe includes contending for the destiny that God has prepared for me. The enemy throws hurdles and stumbling blocks to derail me, but I must press on.  If this is the way God has chosen for my best life to happen, then I know it is the best way. And for that I am grateful!

Many times, I find myself in deep worship, in awe at the marvelous purposes and plans of Abba Father for me. He holds the chisel that refines my rough edges. He presses the olives to extract the oil, the grapes to produce the wine... so many beautiful illustrations of what widowhood is meant to work out in me. 

A dear friend named Anna Marie said, just a few weeks after her husband Manolo died unexpectedly three years ago, 

How precious it must have been for the Father to have His sons come home.  Just as it was when William and Ernie received their crowns.   It is in this that I take my comfort for Manolo wasn’t mine to keep.  He was God’s.  I am learning to thank God for the years I had to enjoy him.  It doesn’t mean that I don’t miss him immensely but God gave us 27 years together that were fruitful and full of adventure.  I will my heart to be satisfied.

 

Those words struck a deep chord in my heart. I have grieved for Ernie's death, but to hear my friend say these words just brings me to a higher place of wonder. Oh yes... it is possible in the midst of deep pain to will our hearts to be satisfied.  

Below I have posted a song by David Meece entitled, In My Brokenness. It is a worship song in the midst of pain. And I close this post with these beautiful words from the Song of Solomon 2: 11-13, The Passion Translation. They are beautiful and appropriate for the season I am in.

The season has changed, the bondage of your barren winter has ended, and the season of hiding is over and gone. The rains have soaked the earth and left it bright with blossoming flowers. The season for singing and pruning the vines has arrived. I hear the cooing of doves in our land, filling the air with songs to awaken you and guide you forth. Can you not discern this new day of destiny breaking forth around you? The early signs of my purposes and plans are bursting forth. The budding vines of new life are now blooming everywhere. The fragrance of their flowers whispers, “There is change in the air.” Arise, my love, my beautiful companion, and run with me to the higher place. For now is the time to arise and come away with me.

 

Till next posting, dear reader! Thank you for taking time to read my heart. May these words leave you inspired and encouraged.

A Door of Hope in the Wilderness

March 27, 2023

You have seen what I did to the Egyptians,

and how I bore you on eagles' wings

and brought you to Myself.

- Exodus 19:4 

I

For all my earlier pronouncements about turning over a new leaf, and going back to writing, nothing much has been accomplished, so far.

Maybe it doesn't really matter. After all, it doesn't seem that there is a whole lot of readers waiting for me to publish a new blog post. 

On the other hand, it does matter to me. And I believe that is what really matters in the long run.

Writing has been my way of connecting to what God is speaking. And as long as I am not writing, then the corollary is true: I am not listening.

On the sidebar of this blog I describe who I sense God has called me to be. Through my writing, I desire to be a channel of healing and of God's redemptive purposes in the lives of people. To be a mentor to this generation and the next, the arising Bridal Generation, helping to prepare the end-time army of Christ for His Second Coming.

At an earlier part of my sacred journey, I have sensed this calling clearly, a calling to be done mostly through my writing. Inevitably my blog entries will, for the most part, be stories about my life, but my goal is that through these stories God is writing, those who read them will be drawn closer to His heart.

It is therefore understandable that there is an enemy working behind the scenes, seeking to hinder me from walking in the destiny God has intended.

It is warfare. It always is.

II

What I am saying is that for anyone who has made the choice to follow Jesus wholeheartedly, the path ahead is certain. The enemy of our souls will do all he can to make sure we fail.

The good news, however, is what the Bible says: 

"Greater is He who is in us than he who is in the world." (1 John 4:4)

"For God works all things together for good to those who love Him and are called according to His purpose." (Romans 8:28)

In layman's terms, the passages say that God is more powerful than any enemy or spiritual hindrance we may encounter here on earth. And that whatever difficult situation we may find ourselves in, God has a way of delivering us.

However, it is one thing to read Scripture passages like these, and another to actually live them out as reality. I do not mean to belittle the power behind God's word. But I have lived long enough as a genuine Christ follower to know certain conditions are needed to experience the truth of God's word.

Obedience is one. Trust in Him is another. 

When I gave my life back to Jesus as my Lord and Savior in 1973, I was a twenty-year old university sophomore. That was fifty years ago. The story of those fifty years is one of how God has brought me through various seasons of testing. Never have I doubted His end goal:

But He knows the way that I take;

When He has tested me, I shall come forth as gold.

-Job 23:10

The "testing" spoken of in the passage quoted above is very much like the process of refining gold. In simple terms, unpurified gold is placed in a crucible. Intense heat is applied until the metal melts and the impurities rise to the surface. The goldsmith then removes the dross. After the cooling period, a precious gold bar is produced. 

The entire undertaking is intricate and labor-intensive. 

Applied to human lives, this could take a lifetime. That's how long it takes to refine a stiff-necked, stubborn, hard-hearted, and strong-willed person to bear the Christ-like character that pleases God.

No doubt about it, God is willing to go through this process with us.

The question is: Am I willing to go through the process with Him?

III

Therefore, behold, I will allure her,

Will bring her into the wilderness,

And speak comfort to her.

I will give her her vineyards from there,

And the Valley of Achor as a door of hope...

-Hosea 2:14-15

Tonight I am finally back here on blogspot, sitting at my desk, ready to pound on my laptop keyboard as I put words to my many thoughts.  The events surrounding the past months are just too precious not to be compiled in a chronicle worth sharing with others. 

Hopefully, I can come up with a coherent post. 

This blog has seen better days.

When I began writing entries here, in February 2008, my husband and I were living in Chiang Mai, Thailand. In August 2007, Ernie had accepted the position of an exchange professor under the Memorandum of Agreement between Maejo University and the West Negros University in Bacolod City. His assignment was to set up the curriculum for the International MBA program which was to be introduced the following academic year. This blog was my way of keeping in touch with friends and family back home who wanted to receive news from us regularly.

When Ernie's appointment ended in September 2008, we returned to our home city. Little did I know that less than two months later, my husband would pass away. This blog became the outlet for processing my grief. In those early years, I published several posts a month. There were also other topics to write about: family events like weddings, birth of grandchildren, and important things that marked my spiritual journey.

The past five years or so, my posts have become few and far between.

I am very much aware of the reason for this. I entered what I call my wilderness years.

When my husband said good-bye to his earthly life in November 2008, I found myself in a place of much uncertainty. For obvious reasons, the details cannot be made known on this medium. My inner journey, however, can be openly shared.

The schools we attend prepare us for tests by teaching us the lessons first. If we learn the lessons well enough, we pass the tests. 

God does it differently. He sends the test first, and then we learn our lesson.

I have long understood that everything in a life is a test. And what I have experienced the past fifteen years since I became a widow was no different. But it was definitely not kindergarten stuff.  It felt like I was being tested for graduate level spirituality.

One thing is sure, I never lost sight of God's sovereignty over my circumstances, and I never stopped trusting Him.

It was very much uncharted territory for me. Only a few close friends knew what I was going through. As I have often said, I was fighting a private battle, and most of the time, it was only between me and Abba Father.

When the pandemic hit the whole world, this inner battle was far from over. 

I became very much acquainted with fear. My emotions can be described as a roller coaster ride. One moment I was very sure that God would see me through. The next moment, my heart was gripped with questions like, What if? What's next? and that sinking feeling of dread that I had become so familiar with.

Yet life went on. We celebrated family events. Ministry opportunities never stopped coming. And by God's grace, I was still able to function like the normal, spirit-filled, passionate for Jesus Christian woman that many knew me to be.

There were people responsible for what happened. Promises made, but never kept. If I had access to the finances required to get myself out, the problem would have been solved.

Intellectually, I believed that God would see me through. Emotionally, I wasn't so sure.

Thus, this internal battle went on. Steven Furtick in his Sun Stand Still devotional describes this to the dot:

That's where audacious faith comes in. Audacity isn't the absence of uncertainty and ambiguity. Audacity is believing that God's promise is bigger than my perhaps. (source)

How I wanted to practice audacious faith! But more often than not, I was living in the world of my perhaps. God could be trusted, but what if His good didn't match my desired version of good?

And so this roller coaster ride went on for years; one side of me believing, and the other side saying, "Lord, help my unbelief."

The debilitating part was the fear factor.

I was lost in the wilderness with no sign of any door of hope opening up anytime soon.

IV

And God was mostly silent. 

So I also want to call this leg of my journey, The Silent Years.

Yet somehow, I knew God wasn't far. I couldn't hear Him but I was sure He was watching over me, and leading me through a path of deliverance, though at that time, I wasn't aware of it.

Fear became a fixture in my life, intending to imprison me, demanding to control me, and there were many times when it succeeded. But it was all under the surface. Externally, I wore fear like a precious pendant hanging around my neck. People had no idea what I was carrying. 

Yet, looking back I realize that what the enemy intended for evil, God turned around for good. In my Heavenly Father's hand, fear became a tool to chisel off the rough edges of my character. Fear humbled me and taught me to depend on God alone. 

I held on to God's promises in the Bible like a person adrift in turbulent seas would hold on to a plank of wood. He was my Waymaker, Defender of widows, the One who established my boundaries, my Divine Justice. I knew by heart all the verses, hoping that they would one day find fulfillment in my life. 

A huge part of the process that God led me through was to let go of whatever expectations I had of life, of people, and above all, of God Himself.

A few years ago, a dear friend sent me a page from the devotional book she was reading. I was amazed at how it hit the nail right on the head.

Let me type out the words from this devotional page:

Let God Defend You

God is a just God and He will repay the exact compensation owed you. He will settle and solve the cases of His people. (Hebrews 10:30)

Are you dealing with an "unsolved case" from your past that needs resolution? Are you waiting for your day of justice or repayment? God promises in His Word that He is your Vindicator. He is your Defender. He will settle your case and repay everything the enemy has stolen. But in order to allow Christ to settle your debts, you have to forgive others in the same way Jesus forgave you when you were guilty of sin. You have to release those who wronged you from what you think they owe you. That's true forgiveness--freeing others so that you can be free. (Source unknown)

If there was anything that helped me win this battle, it was this very thing that God taught me: to let go of my expectations from people and let God alone defend me... His way... in His time.

And this, I believe, was the saving grace that opened the door.

V

This March 2023, I turned 70.

And just like that, in my 70th year, the valley of trouble I was in turned into a door of hope. The very words of that passage from Hosea 2:14-15 found fulfillment in my life.

I have always believed in God's suddenlies, but never in my wildest imaginings did I expect to find myself right smack in the middle of them.

Everything happened so fast.

In April I was in a make or break situation. I don't understand how help suddenly came pouring in. One by one, friends (yes, even one blog friend whom I have never met face to face), former schoolmates, cousins, some family members, from out of nowhere, rallied to my rescue. There was such an outpouring of love, kindness, compassion, and generosity. 

Suddenly in May, two months after my birthday, I was out of the dark and uncertain wilderness. Suddenly, I was standing in the bright open green meadows of hope.

God revealed Himself to me once again as the Lord of the Breakthrough.

It has taken me this long to write about it because the truth is that I am still processing everything.

Having lived too long under the shadow of fear, part of me still finds it hard to believe that I am finally free.

But as I look back at those years, my dark-night-of-the-soul years, I now understand what my Creator God was doing.

He was building in me a character that would never have been built had I not spent all those years in uncertainty.

I am glad I never gave up trusting Him, even though on most days, my trust tank was draining and almost down to empty. 

A few weeks ago, a close friend had the discernment to pray for me, commanding the spirit of fear to leave. And in its place, she released the perfect love of the Father to overflow my heart.

It is all beginning to make sense, as the truth of God as my Jehovah El Gemuwal (Lord God of Recompense) sinks in.

As this year 2023 began, I thanked God in advance for the significance of the Hebrew year 5783, Pey Gimel. This Hebrew year is the year of Divine Retribution and Divine Provision. 

Honestly, I could only believe so much. Given the spiritual condition I was in, most of it was in my head. 

Nevertheless, God honored my meager faith, and did not take it against me. 

I know this is only the beginning of the restoration. There is more to come, but for now, I am taking it one day at a time.

Words are not enough to express my thanksgiving to Him for what He has done.

Now to Him who is able to do 

exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think,

according to the power that works in us,

to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus

to all generations, forever and ever. Amen.

- Ephesians 3:20

I cannot sing this song without tears streaming down my face. 

All my life You have been faithful, all my life You have been so, so good. Every breath that I am able, oh I will sing of the goodness of God.

A Letter to My Thirty-year-old Self

Lady Writing a Letter

by Albert Edelfelt - Bodil Karlsson / Nationalmuseum, Public Domain,

 https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=52132732 

February 6, 2023

Dear Lidj (my 30-year-old self),

 

In just a month, I will celebrate my seventieth birthday.

 

The Bible says that seventy is the lifespan of a person. Anything beyond that is bonus. That means, in theory, I am entering what could very well be the last year of my earthly life.

 

How then do I sum up what I have learned through all these years?

 

Precious life lessons cannot be quantified. That’s the long and the short of it. An entire life cannot be put into words.

 

At thirty I was idealistic, at seventy I am living a life I never expected to live.

 

I was twenty when I gave my heart back to Jesus and asked Him to be my Lord and Savior. That is, of course, the best decision I have ever made. That saved me from utter ruin.

 

How my faith in God grew and deepened through all the seasons is the real story of my life.

 

But truth be said, it is easy to have an intellectual relationship with God.

Easy to say you trust Him.

 

When my husband died he was 62, and I was 55. By then we had raised three children, brought them safely to the other side, so to speak.

 

Together Ernie and I faced life, with its share of joy and sorrow, laughter and tears. We fought our battles the best way we could. You win some, you lose some. And I can say that the battle scars I carry attest to the way God had seen me through.

 

Widowhood, however, is an entirely different matter. I wake up to the reality that from this point onward, life is all up to me. Humanly speaking, I am on my own.

 

Even at the ripe old age of 55, I was not quite prepared for what was ahead.

 

Some widows have it all together. Their husbands leave them with enough resources, and all they have to deal with is their grief.

 

Through no fault of his own, Ernie left me to face legal battles, and, "No, Sir, I was not prepared for that."

 

I never lose sight of the fact that he was a good and loving husband and father, but because of my present circumstances, my memories of him are tainted with splashes of bittersweet.

 

While mourning the loss of my so called “better half,” I was at the same time dealing with a kind of Damocles sword hanging above my head.

 

I look around my house and I am overwhelmed with a lifetime of accumulated stuff – clothes, books, letters, pictures, kitchen things… Things that surely had meaning in an earlier season, but which have outgrown their use and significance in the current season I am in.

 

The sorting out of material things can be tackled. One day at a time.

 

The more difficult part is trusting God in the midst of my circumstances, not with my intellect but with my heart. 

When you feel helpless and are face-to-face with uncertainty, you really have no choice but to believe that God knows how to bring you to the destination He intends for you. But more often than not, I must admit, it is mostly intellectual faith.

 

I am often gripped with the fear of what lies ahead, not knowing how everything will be resolved. Or if things will work out in my favor.

 

In his Ancient Paths teaching, Craig Hill says the presence of fear indicates that I have not received a revelation the Father's love.

 

But how do I deal with that? Honestly, I do not really know how to keep on living my life with a revelation of God’s love.

 

This then is my ongoing prayer : "May I truly experience the warm embrace of my heavenly Father, and know experientially that I am safe in His beautiful purposes for me."

 

The battle is real, and I am certain more scars are being added to the ones I already have.

 

I never want the enemy to have the victory. I believe that the uncertainty I am facing is God’s way of breaking my faith in my own capabilities and putting my trust in Him alone.

 

My battle cry in this season: 

But He knows the way that I take; 

when He has tested me, I shall come forth as gold. 

-Job 23:10

 

So in a nutshell, what have I learned so far? To sum it all up:

 

1.       Live your life the way you would want your children to live. They will see and imbibe your example. It’s the best teacher.

 

2.       Keep God at the topmost of your priorities. Keep holding on to Him. Let Him take you where He wants to take you. He is the author of your story and while there is a sense in which the story has already been written, you also have an interactive part in it. In that sense, your story is also still being written, with your cooperation.

 

3.       Keep your life very simple. Do not give in to the temptation to accumulate. Calculate how many bedsheets and blankets and pillowcases you really need, and that includes plates, cups, mugs, and silverware. That also goes for clothes, shoes, bags, and accessories. Be content with very little.

 

In saying this, I hasten to add, never forget your royal status. You are a daughter of the king. Be royal in your thoughts, attitudes, spoken words, and actions. Practice simple elegance. You can choose nice things, but you would be wise not to overdo it. One practical tip: Receive gifts graciously, but be quick to give them away if you cannot use them. I have learned that unused gifts can easily accumulate and pile up.

 

4.       Remember to always live not within, but below your means. Not with a poverty mindset, but with an abundance mindset. This means you could afford more but you choose to be content with what is good enough. That is the best way to live. And certainly the best way to save money.

 

5.       And from the overflow, have a fund that you can readily use to be of help to others. Be generous.

 

6.       Be quick to forgive, and quick to overlook an offense. Offense can also pile up and accumulate, and before you know it, you are dealing with the physical manifestations of unforgiveness. Harboring grudges will eventually show on your face and your shoulders. It doesn’t mean you have to be a doormat or an underdog. That is victim mentality. Having a victor mentality means you will not allow yourself to be hostaged by the wrong or unjust things people do or say to you. Remember, you are of royal status. Stand tall. Walk through life with a queenly bearing.

 

Choose your battles. Fight only the ones that are worth fighting.

 

Do not sweat the small stuff.

 

Live a simple, uncluttered life – materially, emotionally, and relationally.

 

7.       Be humble. More humble than you intended. Let your words be few. You do not always have to express your opinion. Some things are better left unsaid.

 

Having said all that, two final words:

-In anything, let prayer and thanksgiving be your first recourse.

- Let your life unfold the way God wants it.

 

There is more I could say but this letter has already become longer than I intended.

 

This more or less sums up what wisdom I have gained in my seventy years of existence.

 

Here is how I end this letter, with my favorite quote:

Measure thy life by loss and not by gain

Not by the wine drunk but by the wine poured out,

For love's strength standeth in love's sacrifice,

And he that suffereth most, hath most to give.

- Ugo Bassi

 

 

For God’s glory alone,

Lidj (my seventy-year-old self)

Thanksgiving and A Room Called Remember

 

My Stargazer lily about to bloom

(taken on November 23, 2009, Ernie's first year in heaven)

Bless the Lord, O my soul,

And forget not all His benefits:

Who forgives all your iniquities,

Who heals all your diseases,

Who redeems your life from destruction,

Who crowns you with lovingkindness and tender mercies,

Who satisfies your mouth with good things,

So that you youth is renewed like the eagle's.

- Psalm 103:2-5

I borrow the title of this post from Frederick Buechner's book by the same title. In that book, he wrote:

... there is a deeper need yet, I think, and that is the need--not all the time, surely, but from time to time--to enter that still room within us all where the past lives on as part of the present, where the dead are alive again, where we are most alive ourselves to turning and to where our journeys have brought us. The name of the room is Remember--the room where with patience, with charity, with quietness of heart, we remember consciously to remember the lives we have lived. Frederick Buechner, A Room Called Remember: Uncollected Pieces

How beautifully written! And yes, how true!

But I do not exactly wish to go back and live in the past seasons of my life. Not only is it impossible, the past for me represents a season of accomplishment, of learning, and of growth. 

It is because of the past seasons that I am what I am today.

But from time to time, as Buechner writes, it is good to remember what the past was like.

November for me, since my husband passed away fourteen years ago, is inevitably a month of remembering. It is Ernie's birth month, and it is also the month that God called him home.

There are times when I do enter that room called Remember, and my heart is filled with nostalgia.

I remember my childhood years, with me and my sister and our parents sitting around the Christmas tree on Christmas morning, opening gifts, and a breakfast table laden with hot chocolate, bread, butter, ham, fruit cocktail salad, homemade meat loaf, and many other goodies.

I remember my years as a young mother of three children, also on Christmas morning, also sitting on the floor beside the Christmas tree, me, Ernie and our three children, opening gifts, and then a late breakfast of hot chocolate, bread, butter, fruit salad, ham... 

Other beautiful memories come floating in. Christmas eve dinner together with Ernie's family. Easter sunrise service at a nearby stadium. Family vacations in Baguio City. A well-tended garden. Young couples' weekly Bible studies with dear friends from church. Among the precious memories that I cherish are the 18 years I spent as principal of the Christian Academy of Bacolod.

In a previous post, I called those years my "snag-free, carefree," years. 

For sure there were troubles, but when I look back to those years, trouble is not in the picture, only smiles.

Fast forward to today. I leave the room called Remember and enter the front room called Present Reality.

My husband is no longer around. My two sons are married and have lives of their own. My only daughter lives in a city far from me.

A number of dear friends have also gone home to heaven.

Beneath the surface are my ongoing internal battles which only a few close friends know about.

Indeed, life today is so different from what it used to be.

There are splashes of joy in between. Family lunch and dinner together with my children and grandchildren. Sleeping over at my son's home and having a Lord of the Rings movie night or playing Tetris with my grandchildren. 

But sitting in my front room also means coming to terms with these more recent painful events.

Three years ago, death revisited our family and claimed another life, that of my fifth grandchild two weeks after she was born.

Then early this year, the pandemic knocked at our door. My second son Worshiper and his whole family got hit. Eventually all of them recovered, or so we thought. Just when it looked like he was on the mend, he woke up one morning and he was not his usual self. He had to be rushed to the hospital where he stayed for a week for a battery of tests, including a spinal tap. It turns out that he had developed a viral complication that affected his central nervous system. It was a long journey to recovery.

In the middle of it all, God called him to move his family out of this city to another city down south of our province. They now live about a hundred kilometers away, two hours by car. That meant we could no longer have impromptu family times as easily as before.

While second son was recovering, my daughter in law Chosen One was the strong one. She manned the fort, so to speak. For sure it wasn't a walk in the park, but she never wavered. God gave her the strength she needed.

Then just last month, the biopsy result confirmed our worst fears. Chosen One was diagnosed with cancer.  She has begun with the treatment, and we are all encouraged by what the doctor said, "It's treatable."

We are all in this together; nevertheless each one of us in the family is also fighting his own battle.

It is another long journey, and only God knows how it will end.

This world is not our home, therefore, this earthly life offers no guarantees that we can hold on to.

Through all the ups and downs of my life, there has only been one constant in the equation: God.

God has proven Himself to be the only guarantee that we can hold on to.

I can never overlook the fact 

- that God is good, and His mercies never end,

- that in all things He works together for the good of those who love Him,

- that the plans He has for us are meant to give us a future and a hope,

- that nothing can separate us from His love.

We all have our places of comfort, where everything is working just the way we want it. But such spots are few and far between.

Sooner or later, sometimes in just a split second, we are called out of our comfort zones, and we find ourselves in the wilderness.

The natural reaction is fear, or doubt, or blaming God.

When I turned the ownership of my life back to Jesus 49 years ago, I gradually understood that I no longer called the shots, God did. Thus began the process of living a life that was being transformed from glory to glory.

I remember the earlier years when life was "good," but I never lose sight of the fact that God reserves the best wine for the last. In Revelation 21:5 we read, He who sat on the throne said, "Behold, I make all things new."  This only means that the life we live is in a state of flux, it is constantly changing. As a Christ follower, I am constantly being made new. 

And, needless to say, this includes my whole life. 

In the wilderness, the Israelites lived in tents and they always watched for the cloud of God. When the cloud began to move, they had to fold up their tents and follow where the cloud was going.

They could not drive their stakes too deep, because life in the wilderness was one big transition process. 

Where were they headed? They were going to the Promised Land.

And that is the very picture I never want to forget.

I am in the wilderness, and I must never drive my tent pegs too deep. Because when the cloud moves, I have to be ready. 

Live life with open hands, ready to let go, ready to move on. That is the precious lesson I have learned through all these years.

The Israelites probably did not understand the process, because the Bible says they were a stiff-necked generation, and were always complaining, grumbling, and murmuring.

What a sad picture! I certainly do not want to be like that. 

Abba Father time and again teaches us the best response, for our own good. 

Thanksgiving.

Just today, a friend wrote this on his timeline: 

Jesus gave thanks before the miracle. Thanksgiving is an expression of joy. Our joy comes not from what we have but from who He is, and giving thanks opens our eyes to see more of Him. The prophet Habakkuk also struggled to see God's provision in his life. Finally he surrendered and chose to rejoice. He chose to give thanks when there was nothing, trusting God for the something. 

When all is said and done, we will always find ourselves in a not enough situation. No matter how good life may be, there will always be a morning when we wake up and suddenly realize that life is not good. We find ourselves in a seeming dead-end, or rock-bottom. 

This is Reality.

It is the stuff that this earthly life is made of.

Because in all the uncertainties of life, the purpose of God is to draw us to Himself and get to know Him the way He wants to be known. He alone is the Solid Rock, the unshakable foundation, the Unchanging One.

For many years, I have not experienced true joy because I was connecting joy with my life running smoothly. 

I am learning to thank God for the questions that have not yet been answered, the not enough situations in my life. As one author so beautifully puts it, 

Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer. - Rainer Maria Rilke

Thanking God, so it has been said, is proactive, not reactive.

To be proactive is to own your decisions and actions, regardless of the situation you may be in. You are determined and committed to follow a course of action you have chosen. To be reactive is precisely that: you are simply reacting to someone else's ideas and decisions.

So, at the end of the day, I let this verse be my guiding light:

For I know whom I have believed

and am persuaded that He is able to keep

what I have committed to Him until that Day.

2 Timothy 1:12

While we are on this earth, life is full of uncertainties. But I have no doubt that what the Bible has promised is true:

Whoever believes on Him will not be put to shame.

- Romans 10:11

Indeed, none who wait for You shall be put to shame.

- Psalm 25:3

God is ready to send the latter rains , the rains just before harvest, to ensure that there will be an abundant crop. Indeed, the best years of my life are not behind me, they are ahead of me!

I close with these words written by my favorite author:

The God of Recompense

 

image source

Strengthen the weak hands 

 And make firm the feeble knees. 

 Say to those who are fearful-hearted, 

 "Be strong, do not fear! 

 Behold your God will come with vengeance, 

 With the recompense of God; 

 He will come and save you." 

- Isaiah 35:10  

So I will restore to you the years 

that the swarming locust has eaten,

The crawling locust,

The consuming locust,

And the chewing locust,

My great army which I sent among you. 

You shall eat in plenty and be satisfied,

And praise the name of the LORD your God,

Who has dealt wondrously with you;

And My people shall never be put to shame.

Then you shall know that I am in the midst of Israel;

I am the LORD your God

And there is no other.

My people shall never be put to shame.

- Joel 2:25-27

Do not fear, little flock, 

for it is your Father's good pleasure

to give you the kingdom.

-Luke 12:32

On September 16, I wrote this in my blog post, 

I am entering a new season. I'm turning over a new leaf.

It is interesting to note that the “leaf” in this phrase does not refer to the leaf on a tree, but rather the pages in a book. In the 16th century the pages of a book were referred to as leaves. The allusion to turning over to a blank page and starting over has been used since the 1500s. Even though it has not always meant “change for the better” it has always meant that you are starting over. When you turn to a new, clean page you are leaving the past behind you and starting over.

Four days after I wrote that entry, I received word about a very important development. That this happens just when I was firm in my resolve to turn over a new leaf, specifically to pursue my relationship with God at a deeper level, only means I was on the right track. 

But the news has so taken me aback that it brought me scampering back inside a familiar dark corner that I call Camp Fear. Although my mind tells me that nothing takes God by surprise... that Father knows the times and seasons of my circumstances... that I can trust Him, my heart tells me a different story.

So I look back at my life, remembering how safe and secure I felt during my childhood and young adult years. And how my parents raised me and my sister with genuine love, nurture, and utmost care.  At no moment did I ever feel abandoned or unwelcome.   

The early years of my marriage continued on this same note: my husband Ernie lovingly cared for me and our children. For my part, I also gave Ernie and our children the best loving care a wife and mother could possibly give. 

I believe my parents' commitment and loyalty to one another and to us their daughters provided the secure environment that shaped the confidence I had, both in myself and in the world...that whatever life threw at me, I was capable and well-equipped to handle. It also prepared me to turn the reins of my life over to God in a life-changing encounter with Him during my freshman year at the UP.

Certainly life was not fairy tale perfect, but generally speaking, I remember those chapters in my life as  my "snag-free", carefree, comfort zone years. 

Somewhere along the way, circumstances changed; the road we walked on became rocky and we found ourselves sailing on turbulent waters. 

The year was 1989.  After about a decade of a comfortable married life, Ernie and I reached rock bottom in our finances. I never saw it coming. For the first time in my entire life of 36 years I found myself in a very strange place.

One thing led to another, and today, as a widow of fourteen years, I am still facing some consequences of choices made during that eventful year.

I was not aware of what was really going on then. Being the mother of three young children and the principal of our church school at the same time required my full attention. Completely trusting my husband, I never doubted his integrity and wisdom. In that my heart is secure, even up to today.

I have always said that faith is the underlying theme of my life story. And faith requires that I put my trust in no one else but Him alone.

It is therefore understandable that God will remove anything and anyone that would take His place on the throne of my heart. 

The financial woes... my father's death... my husband's death... the list goes on.

In 2018, my best friend Melanie passed away. This was a huge blow to me, but at hindsight, I recognize it as God's way of removing major props in my life.

In 2020, William Su, the national coordinator of Family Foundations International-Philasia, unexpectedly died due to the pandemic.  This was a blow so severe to us in a beloved ministry we have served together since 2001. Again, I see it now as God's way of dismantling yet another pillar of security in my life.

In 2021, three more lives of close friends were claimed by the pandemic, but the most painful was the death of Lyndon, our well-respected Bible teacher for the past twenty years or so. He was a prophetic voice in the wilderness, a modern day John the Baptist. His death came as a major blow to all of us who looked up to his anointed teaching about intimacy with God, and 24/7 prayer and intercession, the end-time bridal heart preparation for the return of our King.

I never prayed as hard as when I asked God to miraculously heal Melanie, William, John, Manolo, and Lyndon. But God chose to answer my prayer His way, not my way.  

One cannot help but feel so orphaned and lost in the midst of so many props being taken out one after the other. Talk about leaving the comfort zone big time. But in God's wisdom, this was the only way that my faith could be strengthened. Faith grows not in our places of comfort and security but in uncharted territories, where we are in the dark and there's just enough light for the next step.

An eagle pushes its young out of the nest when it is time for them to use their wings and fly. The gardener mercilessly prunes the grapevines to ensure fresh growth and abundant fruit come harvest season. The goldsmith refines gold in the crucible, turning up the heat to 450° to 750° C (840° to 1,380° F) to allow the dross to rise to the surface where they can be easily removed.

In the same way, everything in life is being used by God as an opportunity to build and purify our faith. 

Such is the case in a major battle I have been fighting these past years, a battle that is not even of my doing.

For someone in her autumn years, I keep thinking that I deserve better.

But then again, do we really deserve anything? From what I understand, I was a sinner on her way to hell when Christ in His compassion died the death that should have been mine. And in doing so, He paid the price that I might spend eternity in heaven!

That settles once and for all any right to the kind of life I think I deserve.

Promises that have remained unfulfilled is no longer the issue for me. Years ago, Abba Father spoke to me about letting go of these promises, and instead, trusting Him alone as the Promise Keeper. 

Yet life has gone on very much like a spiritual roller coaster ride. There are good days, and there are not-so-good days. To be honest, for many years I have lived with fear and uncertainty hanging like the sword of Damocles above my head. I have also struggled with a joyless heart, thinking that joy will come when there are no more unresolved issues in my life.

I am grateful for the personal breakthroughs and victories as seasons have come and gone, but on the whole, I have not really been satisfied with the quality of my spiritual life these past years.  My heart hungers for something more.

I feel I have not done enough; my devotional life leaves much to be desired. Sometimes it feels like I am in danger of falling back into a religion of works, demanding of me to successfully jump through a series of spiritual hoops.  

And so my faith journey continues. 

After much soul-searching. I realized that being thrust out of my places of security and comfort is actually a blessing because only then can God begin to fulfill His purposes for me.

In the midst of all these, my heart rests secure in the truth that God is the Author of my life story. Not a single line is out of place in my story. Every comma, every period has its place, for it is God Himself holding the pen. He knows exactly when one chapter ends and when another begins.

Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed,

And in Your book they all were written,

The days fashioned for me,

When as yet there were none of them.

- Psalm 139:16

What strikes me about this Bible passage is the tense of the verbs.

In Your book they all were written, the days fashioned for me...

The story has been written already. In God's book the story is finished, although I am still living out the adventure here on earth. 

That, to me, is simply mind-blowing.

Abba Father has never given up on me.  If my heart is looking for something more, it must be an inner response to a divine invitation to draw near. 

Yes, He calls me time and time again. And in His still small voice, whispers, All I want is your heart, not your performance.

"The season has changed, the bondage of your barren winter has ended, and the season of hiding is over and gone," Abba Father gently speaks to me. 

It has happened countless times. As the truths I fully understand in my mind reach my heart, alignment takes place and God moves me up to the next level of our relationship.

Today, with the Hebrew month of Tishrei having just begun, and Yom Teruah (Feast of Trumpets) and Rosh Hashanah just ended, I have received a prophetic word from God that speaks truth and brings light to the hidden recesses of my heart.

With Rosh Hashanah, we entered the year 5783 in the Hebrew calendar. 

I want to briefly touch on the meaning of the number 3 in the Hebrew alphabet. 

Each of the 22 letters in the Aleph-Bet corresponds to a number, a picture, and an action. The number 3 stands for gimel, and its pictograph resembles both a foot and a person walking in the direction of the left. 

Gimel is derived from the Hebrew root word gemul, which means "justified repayment."

The word gimel is also associated with the Hebrew word gamal which means camel.  Camels are able to journey and survive in arid desert places. In such places of lack they are used as reliable means of transportation. Camels are the perfect animals for this because they carry extra water and food in their hump. They are well-prepared for seasons of drought and lack.

Two words have spoken powerfully to me in this new season: recompense, and provision.

For the  n^th  time, I am moving out of the dark dungeons of Camp Fear, and moving into the wide open fields of God's perfect love.

There is no fear in love; 

but perfect love casts out fear, 

because fear involves torment. 

But he who fears has not been made perfect in love. 

- 1 John 4:18

My operative word in this season is "wait." Waiting involves faith, and faith involves trust. I used to think those two words meant the same thing. But as I spent some time thinking about it, I realized that there is a subtle difference. Hebrews 11:1 says, 

Faith is the substance of things hoped for, 

the evidence of things not seen. 

Faith is believing in something that is not tangible. Faith is a mental assent. Trust, on the other hand, is an action that shows you believe. And waiting is part and parcel of that trust. Romans 8:25 says, 

But if we hope for what we do not yet see, we wait for it patiently. 

Long story short, if I have faith that God is going to do something, then trust requires that I wait for it to happen. Trust is external, faith is internal.

In this season of waiting and trusting, I am believing that what seems to be a delay in human terms is a divine opportunity in God's timeline. Bob Sorge calls it, " strategic delay." Waiting serves a divine purpose: it keeps me from being complacent, trusting in my own abilities. God wants me dependent on him alone.

God never leaves us to fend for ourselves, no matter what circumstances we may find ourselves in.  Whether or not we sense or experience the reality of His presence, the truth doesn't change: He cares, He watches over us, He is standing by, and He never leaves or forsakes us.

I must not forget, the story has been written, and the ending is glorious. 

In this new season, I choose to rest in God's perfect love.

One of the names of God is Jehovah El Gemuwal, LORD God of Recompense.

He is the God who will fight the battle for me, and the God who says, "Vengeance is Mine, I will repay."

There is nothing more that I can say. He is the God who holds the seasons of my life in His hands. There is no other god in my life; He alone sits on the throne of my heart.

I desire to walk close by Him in this new season, and to rest in His perfect love.

I desire to live out the story He has written of my life, listen to His voice alone, and silence all the other accusing voices in my life that only bring confusion.

This song is my response:

Let My Life Be Worship (source)

(This is a brand new single by United States Gospel Music Group

BETHEL Music and Jenn Johnson featuring Michaela Gentile)

This moment is holy 

And I hear You calling 

I turn my face towards You 

And my heart is open 

You’re always pursuing 

And my life surrendering 

You have my affection 

So let my life be worship 

And let my heart stay true 

May my love never grow cold 

May it burn forevermore 

May my life be worship to You

 OOh OOh OOh 

In blessing, in sorrow,

In the ordinary 

Whatever the cost is

You’re always worthy 

My heart’s cry 

And my whole life 

Is for Your glory 

You have my attention 

So let my life be worship 

Let my heart stay true 

May my love never grow cold 

May it burn forevermore 

Let my life be worship to You 

 OOh OOh OOh OOh OOh OOh OOh OOh OOh 

So let it be, 

Let it be worship 

You’re the only One, 

Only One worth it 

Nothing is like You, 

There’s no one beside You

Only You’re worthy, 

You’re worthy

 

So let it be, 

Let it be worship 

You’re the only One, 

Only One worth it 

Nothing is like You, 

There is no one beside You 

Only You’re worthy, 

You’re worthy... 

So let my life be worship 

Let my heart stay true...

So let my life be worship 

Let my heart stay true 

May my love never grow cold 

May it burn forevermore 

Let my life be worship to You 

In everything

In everything

Dishes piled high in the kitchen sink

Let it be worship

Oh you meet me in the ordinary

When I'm feeling weak

When I'm feeling tired

You find me and it's worship

You're the only One worth it

Only You are worthy...

Let my life be like a love song...