A Letter to My Thirty-year-old Self

Lady Writing a Letter

by Albert Edelfelt - Bodil Karlsson / Nationalmuseum, Public Domain,

 https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=52132732 

February 6, 2023

Dear Lidj (my 30-year-old self),

 

In just a month, I will celebrate my seventieth birthday.

 

The Bible says that seventy is the lifespan of a person. Anything beyond that is bonus. That means, in theory, I am entering what could very well be the last year of my earthly life.

 

How then do I sum up what I have learned through all these years?

 

Precious life lessons cannot be quantified. That’s the long and the short of it. An entire life cannot be put into words.

 

At thirty I was idealistic, at seventy I am living a life I never expected to live.

 

I was twenty when I gave my heart back to Jesus and asked Him to be my Lord and Savior. That is, of course, the best decision I have ever made. That saved me from utter ruin.

 

How my faith in God grew and deepened through all the seasons is the real story of my life.

 

But truth be said, it is easy to have an intellectual relationship with God.

Easy to say you trust Him.

 

When my husband died he was 62, and I was 55. By then we had raised three children, brought them safely to the other side, so to speak.

 

Together Ernie and I faced life, with its share of joy and sorrow, laughter and tears. We fought our battles the best way we could. You win some, you lose some. And I can say that the battle scars I carry attest to the way God had seen me through.

 

Widowhood, however, is an entirely different matter. I wake up to the reality that from this point onward, life is all up to me. Humanly speaking, I am on my own.

 

Even at the ripe old age of 55, I was not quite prepared for what was ahead.

 

Some widows have it all together. Their husbands leave them with enough resources, and all they have to deal with is their grief.

 

Through no fault of his own, Ernie left me to face legal battles, and, "No, Sir, I was not prepared for that."

 

I never lose sight of the fact that he was a good and loving husband and father, but because of my present circumstances, my memories of him are tainted with splashes of bittersweet.

 

While mourning the loss of my so called “better half,” I was at the same time dealing with a kind of Damocles sword hanging above my head.

 

I look around my house and I am overwhelmed with a lifetime of accumulated stuff – clothes, books, letters, pictures, kitchen things… Things that surely had meaning in an earlier season, but which have outgrown their use and significance in the current season I am in.

 

The sorting out of material things can be tackled. One day at a time.

 

The more difficult part is trusting God in the midst of my circumstances, not with my intellect but with my heart. 

When you feel helpless and are face-to-face with uncertainty, you really have no choice but to believe that God knows how to bring you to the destination He intends for you. But more often than not, I must admit, it is mostly intellectual faith.

 

I am often gripped with the fear of what lies ahead, not knowing how everything will be resolved. Or if things will work out in my favor.

 

In his Ancient Paths teaching, Craig Hill says the presence of fear indicates that I have not received a revelation the Father's love.

 

But how do I deal with that? Honestly, I do not really know how to keep on living my life with a revelation of God’s love.

 

This then is my ongoing prayer : "May I truly experience the warm embrace of my heavenly Father, and know experientially that I am safe in His beautiful purposes for me."

 

The battle is real, and I am certain more scars are being added to the ones I already have.

 

I never want the enemy to have the victory. I believe that the uncertainty I am facing is God’s way of breaking my faith in my own capabilities and putting my trust in Him alone.

 

My battle cry in this season: 

But He knows the way that I take; 

when He has tested me, I shall come forth as gold. 

-Job 23:10

 

So in a nutshell, what have I learned so far? To sum it all up:

 

1.       Live your life the way you would want your children to live. They will see and imbibe your example. It’s the best teacher.

 

2.       Keep God at the topmost of your priorities. Keep holding on to Him. Let Him take you where He wants to take you. He is the author of your story and while there is a sense in which the story has already been written, you also have an interactive part in it. In that sense, your story is also still being written, with your cooperation.

 

3.       Keep your life very simple. Do not give in to the temptation to accumulate. Calculate how many bedsheets and blankets and pillowcases you really need, and that includes plates, cups, mugs, and silverware. That also goes for clothes, shoes, bags, and accessories. Be content with very little.

 

In saying this, I hasten to add, never forget your royal status. You are a daughter of the king. Be royal in your thoughts, attitudes, spoken words, and actions. Practice simple elegance. You can choose nice things, but you would be wise not to overdo it. One practical tip: Receive gifts graciously, but be quick to give them away if you cannot use them. I have learned that unused gifts can easily accumulate and pile up.

 

4.       Remember to always live not within, but below your means. Not with a poverty mindset, but with an abundance mindset. This means you could afford more but you choose to be content with what is good enough. That is the best way to live. And certainly the best way to save money.

 

5.       And from the overflow, have a fund that you can readily use to be of help to others. Be generous.

 

6.       Be quick to forgive, and quick to overlook an offense. Offense can also pile up and accumulate, and before you know it, you are dealing with the physical manifestations of unforgiveness. Harboring grudges will eventually show on your face and your shoulders. It doesn’t mean you have to be a doormat or an underdog. That is victim mentality. Having a victor mentality means you will not allow yourself to be hostaged by the wrong or unjust things people do or say to you. Remember, you are of royal status. Stand tall. Walk through life with a queenly bearing.

 

Choose your battles. Fight only the ones that are worth fighting.

 

Do not sweat the small stuff.

 

Live a simple, uncluttered life – materially, emotionally, and relationally.

 

7.       Be humble. More humble than you intended. Let your words be few. You do not always have to express your opinion. Some things are better left unsaid.

 

Having said all that, two final words:

-In anything, let prayer and thanksgiving be your first recourse.

- Let your life unfold the way God wants it.

 

There is more I could say but this letter has already become longer than I intended.

 

This more or less sums up what wisdom I have gained in my seventy years of existence.

 

Here is how I end this letter, with my favorite quote:

Measure thy life by loss and not by gain

Not by the wine drunk but by the wine poured out,

For love's strength standeth in love's sacrifice,

And he that suffereth most, hath most to give.

- Ugo Bassi

 

 

For God’s glory alone,

Lidj (my seventy-year-old self)