With a Breath of Kindness

"Decanting Gold" by Dorling Kindersley

³¹Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift you as wheat.
³²But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail.
And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers.

- Luke 22:31-32



²⁶At that time his voice shook the earth, but now he has promised,
"Once more I will shake not only the earth but also the heavens."
²⁷The words "once more" indicate the removing of what can be shaken
—that is, created things—
so that what cannot be shaken may remain.
²⁸Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken,
let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably
with reverence and awe,
²⁹for our "God is a consuming fire."

- Hebrews 12:26-29



Do not judge according to appearance,
but judge with righteous judgment.

- John 7:24

Man looks at the outward appearance,

but the LORD looks at the heart.

- 1 Samuel 16:7

In his excellent book, The Way of the Heart, Henri Nouwen writes,

Over the last few decades we have been inundated by a torrent of words. Wherever we go we are surrounded by words...

Words, words, words! They form the floor, the walls, and the ceiling of our existence...

In such a world, who can maintain respect for words?

All this is to suggest that words, my own included, have lost their creative power. Their limitless multiplication has made us lose confidence in words and caused us to think, more often than not, "They are just words."

...The result of this is that the main function of the word, which is communication, is no longer realized. The word no longer communicates, no longer fosters communion, and therefore no longer gives life. The word no longer offers trustworthy ground on which people can meet each other and build society.

Henri Nouwen, The Way of the Heart (Harper Collins, New York, 1991), pp. 45-46

The main lesson that God taught me in Rasa was how to wait on Him.

And in order to do this, I had to learn two things: when to be silent, and when to speak.

Learning how to wait knowing that there is a purpose being achieved in my waiting... and learning how to use my words in a godly, creative way.


Henri Nouwen was so right in saying that our words today no longer offer trustworthy ground on which we can meet one another...or reach out to one another.

Our words, as well as our silences, contrary to God's original intention, have become effective weapons that we use against one another.

The day Hans spoke to us on dealing with our critical spirits is deeply embedded in my memory. It was one lesson I needed to learn for in my early years of marriage, I realized that the easiest way I could hurt my loved ones would be to hurl unkind words at them!

Although outwardly I appeared as sweet and demure, deep inside I was self-righteous and judgmental. It was easier for me to say kind words to my friends than it was for me to do the same to my husband.

I guess the fact that my husband was so loving and understanding made me take many things for granted. With a grateful heart I realize that God stepped in and taught me valuable lessons early enough to undo whatever relational damage there was in our marriage, as well as to forever change the way I speak. This helped me chart a new course that would positively affect the future events in our family life.


During the Life Revision retreat, one of our daily exercises was to listen to a fellow participant share his or her reflections on the Bible passage for the day, after which we were to write down a one sentence resonance about it.

A "resonance" was the first thought or impression that came to our hearts after hearing what was said.

Have a ready word, Hans instructed us. But know when to say it, and know just how much to say.

We were given a few minutes to think before writing down our resonance statement, and then we were to read only that one sentence we had written. No explanation or elaboration was allowed.

This was an exercise in learning how to listen well, to the other person who was speaking, and to one's own heart as well.

We were also forewarned that there may be times when a "negative" or "critical" resonance would come up. Then, we would have to decide whether to speak it out, or just keep it to ourselves.


Because of the way our world has become inundated with words, we do need to re-discover godly speech. And godly speech begins in the heart, Hans reminded us... out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks.


Yes, our world today needs to recover the art of speaking words that heal, rather than words that hurt...words that build up, rather than words that tear down.

Godly discernment is the key to speaking words that give life.


The word discern comes from two Latin words dis, which means "apart" and cerner, which means "to sift," forming discernere: "to separate or to distinguish or to perceive."



From the Latin cerner comes the derivative crineai which, according to Hans, describes a sifting process, as in sifting chaff from wheat.



Other everyday words from the Latin crineai are:

criticize - meaning, "to sift, or to shake"

crisis - a shaking in body, soul, or spirit

critical - a make or break point



Each day we are given the opportunity to go through a sifting process.

An element of shaking is required in order to effectively sift or separate chaff from grain, gold from sand.

But God intends good to come out of any crisis that we undergo. Out of my crisis experiences, I can emerge as a changed person. It is an opportunity for me to adjust my position... and shift my focus.


To stay away from evil, we must rightly discern what is chaff and what is grain.

To speak words of life, we need to hold on to the gold, and let go of the sand, in our relationships.


Panning for gold is a slow and tedious process; a large amount of sand will often yield only one or two nuggets of gold.

The inexperienced will easily give up. A gentle swirling motion will bring the lighter particles to the surface of the water, the weightier ones, including gold particles will remain at the bottom of the pan.

The untrained eye cannot discern the gold, which can easily be mistaken for unwanted dirt and therefore hastily discarded with the sand.

Indeed, how much easier it is for us to see the sand, the imperfections in other people!

To come to hasty conclusions.

To focus on surface issues.

To dwell on the peripheral and the external.


The Father says that we are not to look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are unseen.

And the Father teaches us not to judge the external appearances, but to look at the heart.



Excerpts taken from my Rasa Diary:

When you criticize, don't stop until you find the gold.

In criticizing, be in covenant with the BEST in the other person.

Why be pre-occupied with the tiny speck in the other person's eye when I have a much larger speck, in fact, a beam, in my own eye?

Live a new life by not being so easily shocked by what another person does or says! Look for the gold, accept him or her in the Beloved.

- Hans Burki, Life Revision Retreat, June 1997

Hans spoke such words of wisdom to us, that after listening to him, I was deeply moved. Indeed, we can be so shaken by the events and circumstances of our lives that we lose our orientation, or our focus.

But since that time, I have asked God that in whatever sifting process I go through, the precious and the substantial will remain. May my eternal perspective and faith in His goodness never be lost!

Yes, I have resolved to always try to look for the gold in the other person. To listen not to his words, but to his heart.


It is a lifelong process, but I must press on. And it is my continuing prayer that with God's help, the words that come out of my mouth will be words of life.


Dear Father, again I pray:

Give me eyes that see beneath the surface...

Give me a heart that understands the way You do...

And let my words be few,

let my words be redemptive,

let my words give grace to those who hear,

let my words build faith in others,

let my words reflect the compassion of Your heart.

May I be a life-giver, like You.

Die Kornsieberinnen ("The Wheat Sifters")

by Gustave Courbet

Oh, the comfort — the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person — having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away.

~ Dinah Craik (A Life for A Life, 1859)

Related post: Learning to Rest in His Love

Learning to Rest in His Love

Looking Back: A Page from my Rasa Diary

My heart says of you, "Seek his face!"
Your face, LORD, I will seek.

- Psalm 27:8

It was in the late 1970's that I first heard of Hans Burki and the Life Revision Seminars that he conducts yearly in southern Switzerland. Since then I had dreamed of sitting at the feet of this Spirit-filled man for a whole month, to learn what there is to learn about deeper things of God.

In May 1994 Hans himself came to Bacolod City, and I had the opportunity to attend his 4-day seminar on Solitude and Contemplation. This gave me an idea of what the real seminar would be like. Even then, that short seminar became a spiritual landmark for me, one of the major turning points of my life.

In mid 1996, I mailed Hans the "inner biographical experience" required as part of the application letter to get into the seminar. I was surprised when Hans wrote back three weeks later informing me that I had been accepted into next year's seminar.

God surely must have had a purpose for me. Step by step many obstacles were overcome even though my faith was beginning to waver towards the end. A friend encouraged me in early May of 1997 saying that God wanted to simply stretch my faith.

No other description of the process could have been more adequate. The finances needed, my illness just a few days before the departure date, my foot injury. To top it all, on the day I was due to fly to Manila, May 26, an unexpected storm paralyzed all air travel to Manila. All flights for that day were cancelled.

By God's intervention, Ernie was able to book me on a special flight to Manila early the following day, May 27.

At 11 o'clock p.m. of that same day, my plane bound for Zurich took off. I suddenly remembered what I had told my dear friends in church who had prayed with me all through those months: "I will know that God wants me to have my dream realized only when I am on board the plane bound for Switzerland."

The plane landed at the Zurich International Airport at 12 noon of the next day, May 28. My Swiss host Siegfried Schurch, at whose home in Winterthur I was to stay before and after the retreat, met me at the airport.

I reached Rasa on May 31, at 4:45 p.m.

"Rasa" by Nick Yoon

Rasa is a small village on a mountain terrace 900 meters high in the southern part of the Swiss Alps. From the train station in Verdasio, one takes a small cable car to reach it. Funivia is the local term for the cable car, which seats only up to six persons at a time.

"Funivia Verdasio-Rasa" by Neil Pulling

That afternoon about 15 of us met at that cable car station. Though strangers to one another, we were bound for a common destination, and united by a common desire - to experience God in a life-changing way.

Hans was on the other side, standing by the railing, ready to meet each one of us personally. After I introduced myself to him, he shook my hand and said quietly, "You made it."


For 28 days, twenty-three of us met daily for large group sessions, once in the morning, and once in the evening.There was also time for small groups, as well as personal reflection.
The afternoons were given as unstructured time for us to do with as we wished.

In late spring the mountains were so beautiful, the trails so inviting, and the weather so cool. Nature beckoned to us all. The bird songs were endless. Some of us would often find ourselves sitting beside mountain streams, or on top of a hill, enjoying the serenity of the surroundings.

I discovered that what Hans said about Rasa is true: "There are two things that Rasa has plenty of - fresh air and the Holy Spirit."

I thought that had come to Rasa not as a deeply-wounded person. Whatever benefit there was to be gained was to simply add on to what I already knew.

How ignorant I was of God's ways! What I thought was going to be a learning experience turned out to be an "unlearning process," a letting go of misconceptions and faulty foundations of my spiritual life. This, despite the fact that our mentor, Hans, was an interesting study in understatement! He never spoke more than 15 minutes at a time, wanting to make sure that it was God's words, and not his own, that we heard.

I left Rasa a humbled person. (Read: Jacob's New Name)


What did I learn? Maybe the question should be, What did I not learn?

At Rasa I did not learn to fill my days with frenetic activity and restless struggle.

I did not learn how to stuff my mind with more information, but rather, to unload it.


It was a new experience to learn to turn my face toward God, as a flower naturally follows the sun and basks in its warmth.

I learned what it means to rest, to wait, to say yes.

Yes to the person that I am, and yes to the person that I have not yet become.

Yes to the other person as he is, and yes to the person that he has not yet become.

Above all, I learned the most important thing for me to learn: that at the heart of God is silence, a silence that heals, a silence that understands, a silence that doesn't demand, but only loves.

For me, it will be a life-long learning process of entering into this loving, healing silence of God.

Related post: Rasa Revisited

Closures and Open Doors

These things says He who is holy,
He who is true:

"He who has the key of David,
He who opens and no one shuts,
and shuts and no one opens.

I know your works.

See I have placed before you an open door,
and no one can shut it..."

- Revelation 3:8

It's only three more days before January 2010 comes to an end.

My original plan at the start of this new year was to write a well-thought out blog post, one that would outline the highlights of my 2009 journey - its blessings, new insights, and new revelations from the Lord.

And to share what I expect my spiritual journey to look like in the months ahead.

Obviously, things didn't work out that way.


As the new year rolled in, I was making final arrangements with my Thai friends Ut and Oy to visit them.

By January 6, I was back in Manila...and the next day, Thursday, I arrived in Chiang Mai, Thailand.

On Friday evening, Ut and Oy treated me to dinner at the Palaad Tawanron, an amazing restaurant at the foothills of Doi Suthep.

"This is your official welcome dinner," Ut announced when we reached the place.


The next ten days my friends brought me to many lovely places. We went to three mountains: Chiang Dao, Doi Ankhang, and Doi Tung in Chiang Rai.

Doi Tung is popularly known as "Switzerland in Thailand." Here we visited the Royal Villa and the Mae Fah Luang Gardens. This place cannot be explained, or described...only experienced.


While in Chiang Rai, we went to Mae Sai, the major border crossing between Thailand and Myanmar. Mae Sai is actually the name of one of the two rivers (the other one is Mae Ruak) separating the two countries, mae being the Thai word for "river."

There is a bustling market in Mae Sai selling a wide variety of cheap Chinese, Thai, Burmese and other Asian goods!

We also went to the Golden Triangle, the amazing part of Thailand where three countries- Thailand, Myanmar, and Laos - share a common border, where the mighty Mae Ruak and MeKong rivers merge and become one!


In addition to the beauty of God's creation that my eyes feasted on, this trip of mine to Thailand can be called a truly delightful gastronomic experience! We ate, and we dined, and we feasted on many different kinds of Thai dishes.

There's no question about it, Thai food will forever be my favorite.



On January 18, I boarded my flight back to Manila after spending ten full days in northern Thailand.

My heart was filled with thanksgiving for the bond of friendship that grew even stronger because of this visit.

I also received a strong sense of healing and comfort, for I was able to re-visit many places in Chiang Mai where Ernie and I used to go, including the university flat where we stayed during our year in Maejo University, and the building, the Faculty of business, where Ernie used to work.

A few days before my departure, I had an opportunity to visit some of Ernie's friends at the IT.

One of the highlights of my trip was the special dinner for me attended by former students of the English classes that I taught.


So many beautiful things happened within those twelve days (the two additional days were the days I traveled). I would have loved to share a little about this recent trip on my blog.

Sadly, my USB containing hundreds of the special Chiang Mai pictures I had taken was partially damaged by a virus at the internet cafe.

Today, I mailed the USB back to Ut in Thailand who offered to have it repaired. I sent it off with a prayer that God will keep it safe.


I then spent one week in Manila with Obedient One before finally returning home to Bacolod City.

Here I am, back in my hometown. I can't believe that the month is nearly over! Only 28 days into the new year and already, so much has already taken place!

From experiencing the joy of a beautiful family wedding,

to our lovely Christmas and New Year celebrations,

the prospect of cultivating a relationship with Chosen One, my new daughter in law,

the unexpected sentimental journey back to Thailand,

the death of my dear aunt,

spending time with my daughter and re-connecting with a few special friends in Manila,

and now, resuming a sense of normalcy in my life back home in Bacolod...

When things are happening very fast for me, I need time to process my thoughts and my feelings.


Without going into details, there is a recent turn of events in my life that I can neither understand nor explain.

In trying to trace its roots, I can only conclude that an enemy has planted poisonous weeds, aiming to sow division and discord into my family.

And much as I want to take a more active stand to prevent further damage, I am not sure I know how to go about it.

However, it does help to be vigilant, be aware of the enemy's subtle schemes, with each one of us standing together as one.

Still my heart aches. All I am longing for is a kind word...and a more understanding heart.

But just like the USB with the damaged picture files, I can only leave it all in God's hands...knowing that an Expert Hand can remove the virus and retrieve my precious files.

That's the best I can do...for now.


Even as I write these words, my memory takes me back to a precious time in Rasa, Switzerland.

It was during one evening session at the Life Revision Retreat that I found myself asking Hans this important question: "What can I do to undo... (the consequences of a particular event in my life) ?"

My heart was quite agitated, and didn't realize that the words were coming out of my mouth very fast.

Hans Burki, our 75-year old mentor, quietly said, "I'm sorry, Lidia...but I cannot answer your question until you are able to say it... v-e-r-y ... sl-o-w-l-y."

He then instructed me to wait for a full minute, counting from sixty down to zero.

When 60 seconds were up, he motioned for me to repeat my question. Of course, I blurted it out, just as I did earlier.

He made me wait another 60 seconds.

Finally I realized that Hans wanted to quiet my heart...to enable me to hear what the Lord was about to say.

I repeated my question.

"Hans...what...can...I...do...

to...undo...the...consequences...

of...this...event..in...my...life?"


Hans didn't immediately answer. Instead, he took a deep breath and looked lovingly into my eyes.

His eyes were so gentle, full of kindness and compassion.

Then he spoke. "Dear one, there is nothing you can do ... to undo it."

I was about to interrupt him, but he raised his hand and motioned for me to remain quiet. Then, ever so softly his next words came out:

"Rest in God, rest in His love."

Then he read Zephaniah 3:17 to me,

The LORD thy God in the midst of thee is mighty;
he will save,
he will rejoice over thee with joy;
he will rest in his love,
he will joy over thee with singing.

Nothing more needed to be said after that.



At the end of the session, he waited for me by the door and invited me to walk to a spot in the portion of the Swiss Alps where we could look at the valley below.

It was a lovely June night, and the spring season was coming to an end. Looking down into the valley, I saw before me a breathtaking view, so quiet, so serene...
I felt so small in comparison to it all!

Above us was the vast sky with countless stars, around us was the rugged Alpine terrain with its rows of snow capped mountains, nearby hills and terraces, and down below stretching as far as our eyes could see, was Centovalli, literally "a thousand valleys" dotted with lovely Swiss chalets, stone churches with bell towers, meandering rivers and streams, mountainsides of flowers, and graceful waterfalls.

Creation was asleep, resting in the Father's embrace, trusting that all is well...

with nothing but the pale light of the moon tenderly casting its glow over all this loveliness...visible at that moment in time to no one, but Hans and me!


My words can never do justice to what my eyes beheld...

And in the midst of such indescribable beauty, I suddenly had the sense of what it means to rest in my Father's love.

Hans never said anything. We just stood there looking, and drinking in God's presence. After a few minutes, I heard him say, "It's time to go back now."



In reminding me of that night in Switzerland in 1997 twelve years ago, what was God's message for my heart today?


Only this:

Close the door.

Let the matter rest.

There is nothing that you can do to undo... rest in My love.



The Holy Spirit seems to be saying to me, "Look, there is an open door. Seize this moment...it is an eternal moment."

There is more than just words...there is a sense of understanding, of divine kindness filling my heart.

It seems like God is saying, "I know what you are going through, and I understand. Trust me, I can take care of it."

Tonight God is speaking to me about "closures."

And open doors.


Before God can bring me to the next level of my life, He wants me first to deal with any unfinished business. Tie the loose ends together.

This unfinished business is once again in the area of trusting Him in my seasons and in my storms, turning my circumstances over to Him.

I have to settle this issue in my heart, once and for all: He is the Captain of my ship, He knows the direction I need to take to reach my safe haven.


A closure is:

"a sense of psychological certainty or completeness,"

"a bringing to an end; a conclusion"

"a feeling of finality or resolution."

It is accepting, and coming to terms with, the questions in my present for which the answers are not available at the moment.




There are closed doors that give me a sense of finality and indicate that something is over.

Nevertheless, it is true. Some doors remain open, some wounds are not completely healed. There are issues that are not immediately resolved. God intends for them to be dealt with at another time.

Because this is an imperfect, fallen world, I need to accept that there will always be imperfect situations and relationships in my life.

Then there are doors that are wide open.

An open door is a door into the future.

New opportunities.

New lessons.

New revelations.

An invitation to come up higher...to draw nearer.

God says that the door of trouble can become an open door of hope - and in the wilderness, God says He will give me back my vineyards, and I will sing again as in the days of my youth.

Therefore I am now going to allure her;
I will lead her into the desert
and speak tenderly to her.

There I will give her back her vineyards,
and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope.
There she will sing as in the days of her youth...

- Hosea 2:14

It's amazing how a certain memory of what happened over twelve years ago can give me a sense of closure, and bright hope shining, at this juncture in my journey!


When I started writing this post about an hour ago, I had no idea how it would end. It has often happened that right in the middle of a post, God speaks, clearing up my blurry understanding, or giving me a different perspective.

I thank God my Father for doing this for me right this very night. Allowing me to experience His kindness and compassion through what Hans said and did many years ago.

Hans was God's life messenger to me in my past. And life giving words spoken twelve years ago still have the power to speak healing to my heart today, for an entirely different wound, and pain.

Healing words released in the past have fruits that are able to heal today!

A gentle tongue is a tree of life...

- Proverbs 15:4

What the enemy says, and what God says are two completely different things. So whose voice will I accept? Whose words will I believe?

Indeed, the year 2010 is a year of breakthrough. A year of double grace.

But to experience the promised breakthrough, I need to take my position of faith.

Faith is the substance of things hoped for,
the evidence of things not seen.

- Hebrews 11:1

Yes, it's all about faith...and maturing...and growing...and becoming strong...

and becoming a woman after God's heart this new year.



I want to end by quoting Marsha Burn's post for today, January 28, 2010 over at Small Straws in a Soft Wind:

Keep looking up, and refuse to allow discouragement to keep you from breakthrough.

There are things over which you haven no control, things that are beyond your level of responsibility and authority.

These are the circumstances that you need to release to me, says the Lord.

That means you must let go completely. Otherwise, your thoughts and emotions concerning these issues only hinder the work of My Spirit.

Answers and breakthrough will come as You seek Me, and I will give you peace when you trust Me.

You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You. - Isaiah 26:3

Marsha Burns, Small Straws in a Soft Wind

Jacob's New Name-2

Looking Back: A page from my Rasa Diary

Rasa in Centovalli, Ticino, Switzerland

"Then Jacob was left alone;

and a Man wrestled with him until the breaking of day."

Genesis 32:24

It was my first week in Rasa.

During the evening session, Hans asked us a question. I can’t recall what the question was. Others in the group began giving their responses; finally, my turn came. Still thinking of how to put my thoughts into words, I began my sentence with a qualifier, something like, “Hans, I do not know if what I feel makes sense to you, but...”

Hans stopped me with a remark. He said something like, “Why do you always want to be sure you are correct? It seems like you always want to impress, just like the Pharisees....”

My initial reaction after hearing those words was to retreat inside my own heart. His comment didn’t really affect me at once. I simply sat there until the session was over.

Later at the cafeteria some of my fellow participants began to gather around me, one or two of them held my hand, another gave me a hug, none of them said anything at all. Slowly I began to realize that they were feeling something for me...probably because of what took place earlier during the session.

At that time, I didn’t think much of what Hans said. After all, I had only been in Rasa a week; he didn’t really know me. For me it was just a casual comment that could be discarded... never to be thought of again.

But after the wordless sympathy offered by some of my fellow participants, something in my heart gave way.

Alone in my room that night, I couldn’t sleep. Hans' words came back to me: “always wanting to impress... just like the Pharisees...”

I began asking, “Well, what was a Pharisee?”

The answer didn't take long to come: a Pharisee was a self-righteous person who took pride in always being right.

Was I like a Pharisee?

Was it true that I was always wanting to impress others?

Anger and confusion began to rise up in my heart. I thought I had gone to Rasa as a whole person, not really needing anything. My purpose for going was to learn new things, I went as an observer, a spectator of sorts.

At that time, I didn't think there was anything seriously wrong with me. So, if Hans was going to make me begin feeling like I was blind to my true inner condition, I felt that the best thing for me was to get out of that place as soon as possible. I planned on calling my husband in the morning to have him arrange a return flight for me right away.


The Rasa bell tower sounded the hour. It was 3:00 a.m. Not only had I not slept a wink, my eyes were puffy from crying.

Suddenly I realized that I was in a wrestling match with God.

“Who am I really, Lord? Protect me, dear God, save me. Don’t let any harm be done to me. I cling to You now, for You are my only hope....”

Holding on to God, yet demanding to understand and hear the truth from Him. I heard myself saying these familiar words, “I will not let You go unless You bless Me.”

I was Jacob, struggling with God.

Well, it was really a God-moment. God spoke to my heart. He said, “You are safe here. You will not be harmed. I am with you.”

There was a blessing of peace that came, and I finally fell asleep.

There were no instant answers that morning, but the story of Jacob’s struggle with God became very real to me in the days that were to follow.

Three days later, at Lectio Divina during which Hans would ask us to close our eyes as we listened to him read a Bible passage to us, I was surprised to hear the very story of Jacob (Genesis 32:22-31):


And he arose that night, and took his two wives, his two female servants, and his eleven sons, and crossed over the ford of Jabbok. He took them over the brook, and sent over what he had.

Then Jacob was left alone; and a Man wrestled with him until the breaking of day. Now when He saw that He did not prevail against him, He touched the socket of his hip; and the socket of Jacob's hip was out of joint as He wrestled with him.

And He said, "Let Me go, for the day breaks." But he said, "I will not let you go unless You bless me!"

So He said to him, "What is your name?" He said, "Jacob."

And He said, "Your name shall no longer be called Jacob, but Israel; for you have struggled with God and with men, and have prevailed."

Then Jacob asked, saying, "Tell me Your name, I pray." And He said, "Why is it that you ask about My name?" And He blessed him there.

So Jacob called the name of the place Peniel: "For I have seen God face to face, and my life is preserved."

Just as he crossed over Penuel the sun rose on him, and he limped on his hip.

After listening to the story, we were instructed to allow it to "resonate" within our hearts and let God's story meet with our own life story.

The story did come alive in my heart as I re-lived it. There Jacob was, standing on the north bank of the river Jabbok... alone with his doubts, and his fears.

He knew he was at a dead end. The time had come for him to even the score with Esau, the brother he had cheated twenty years ago. This time, not only was there no place for him to hide, the stakes were much higher, too. He had two wives, eleven sons, and great possessions. He was a very rich man.

Indeed, the God who promised to bless him had kept His part of the "bargain," but Jacob knew he needed so much more than just great wealth and a quiver full of sons. He was tired of the scheming and the manipulating, of running away, and taking things into his own hands. Maybe he was looking for a sense of purpose in his life, and waiting for the fulfillment of the covenant promise God spoke to him at Bethel.

But what could he do? Despite some external changes, deep inside he was still the same Jacob -- the cheater, the supplanter. He badly needed a change of heart. He was crossing the ford for this reason: to seek the God of Abraham and Isaac.

God once again meets him at his point of need. I have heard it said that this story is about persevering in prayer. Maybe so. But the story also says that it was a real wrestling match. And in this match, Jacob knew it was "do or die", his last chance to get answers to the deep longings of his heart. He gives it his best shot.

And God, the covenant keeper, does three things.

First He brings Jacob to the end of himself, and gets him to admit who he really is before God. Jacob clings to God in weakness. "My name is Jacob, a heel-grabber, this is who I am." Jacob's desperation and humble confession move God's heart.

God changes him from inside.

Then, God gives him a new name to match the new nature. "You will no longer be called Jacob, but Israel," God says. No longer Cheat, but Prince, the Noble One.

Jacob's limp will forever remind him of this encounter. Indeed, he is a transformed man.

At one point in the story, I realized that it was no longer Jacob struggling with God, but me! And it seemed like God was also asking me my name...

That encounter led me to see many things that I never saw before. I was given the courage to admit before God who I really was, the same way Jacob did.

I had to confess that my old name was Proud, the perfectionist, always wanting to appear right, always wanting to impress. Surprisingly, admitting so was not painful anymore. On the contrary, it set me free. Free to be who God really created me to be.

God gave me a new name -- Humble.

No longer needing to pin a label on myself for others to see each time I did something good.

No longer demanding to have such high standards, not just for myself, but for others around me as well.

My new name set me free, and enabled me to set others free, from my own set of expectations.

My new name also gave me a new orientation, a new way of speaking:

Humble says, "It's okay to be good enough."

Humble says, "I accept you even when you don't measure up...because I am no longer the standard, God is."

Humble says, “I won’t try to fit life into my mold, nor will I expect people or circumstances to suit my agenda... because God is the Sovereign One over all areas of my life.”

Jesus says:

Walk with me and work with me--

watch how I do it.

Learn the unforced rhythms of grace.

I won't try to lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you.

Keep company with me

and you'll learn to live freely and lightly.

Matthew 11:29-30 (The Message)

Originally published in this weblog on July 18, 2008

A Still, Small Voice-2

Looking Back: A page from my Rasa Diary
April 22, 2008

Rasa, Ticino, Switzerland

Photo courtesy of hikr.org

Whether you turn to the right or to the left,

your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying,

“This is the way; walk in it.”

Isaiah 30:21

I boarded my Emirates flight bound for Zurich on May 27, 1997. There were two stop-overs, Bangkok and Abu Dhabi. Siegfried Schurch, my Swiss host, met me upon my arrival in Zurich. He brought me to his lovely home in Winterthur where he and his wife Vreni reside.

I spent a few days in Winterthur and at the Bernese Oberland where Siegfried and Vreni have a chalet in a lovely village called Gimmelwald. It was such a memorable experience. We took long hikes to Murren, a tourist spot in the Swiss Alps portion of Bern.

A Glimpse of Gimmelwald in Late Spring

(photo courtesy of www.gimmelwald.ch)

On June 1, in Zurich, I boarded the train that was to take me to Bellinzona, then from Bellinzona, boarded another train bound for Locarno. Several of us got off at Verdasio, where there is a funivia stazione. They call it a seilbahn in Swiss. From this small station, we rode a gondola, a small cable car good for only 6 persons that took us across a deep gorge to the other side – Rasa.

From Verdasio to Rasa

Photo courtesy of Daniel Kunz

How I ever ended up being in Rasa at that point of my life is beyond me. Never in my wildest dream did I ever imagine being in a small mountain village in the Swiss Alps. Many years ago, in the 1980’s I first heard about Hans Burki and the Life Revision seminar that he conducts yearly. I had a faint desire in my heart to someday be a part of this retreat, but I never thought it would materialize.

One thing is sure, it was planned and orchestrated by my heavenly Father.

It was in the 1990s that I went through a very difficult period in my life. But I firmly believe that out of life’s reversals come good things. God Himself says in Romans 8:28 that “...in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

And out of this deep and dark valley experience I emerged, transformed. Like a butterfly coming out of its cocoon.

Much of this experience can never be put into words. But, certainly the process and the results of that transforming experience can be partially described and openly shared.

“This is the way, walk in it.” These are the words that I would hear in my spirit, not audibly in the way our physical ears would hear a spoken word, but an impression, a knowing.

Somehow, I knew the next step in that stage of my life was to write Hans Burki and ask him if I could be given a chance to take part in the yearly seminars that he offered. I wrote him a spiritual autobiography in 1996. Three weeks later, his reply came saying that I had been accepted to join the Rasa retreat for June of 1997. When I reached Rasa I discovered that most of the participants had been waiting two to three years before being finally allowed to attend!

There were a number of constraints and I thought I would never make it. But it was a faith journey that God wanted me to take, and all I did was to heed that still small voice telling me what to do.

When I got off from the cable car, Hans was there waiting for us. I introduced myself to him, “Hello Hans, I’m Lidia, from the Philippines.” He shook my hand, and looking into my eyes, he simply said, “Welcome to Rasa. You made it."

As I walked the stone pathway leading to Rasa that June evening in 1997, I was not really excited the way I know some people would be. I felt like I was in a play acting out my role. I was simply being obedient, doing what I knew needed to be done.

Being in Rasa was something that I wanted, yet when it was happening right before my eyes, it seemed as if I was just quietly acting out my part.

After all, it is true. God IS the Scriptwriter and the Director of my life drama. And He was waiting for me in Rasa.

(Originally published in this weblog on April 22, 2008 at 12:16 PM)

Other entries from my Rasa Diary:

Rasa Revisited

Jacob's New Name

Water From Bethlehem's Well

Water from Bethlehem's Well

So the three mighty men broke through the camp
of the Philistines,

drew water from the well of Bethlehem that was by the gate,

and took it and brought it to David.

Nevertheless he would not drink it,

but poured it out to the Lord.

-2 Samuel 23:16

During the Life Revision retreat that I attended in Rasa, Switzerland several years ago, Hans taught us many valuable spiritual lessons. One of them was the importance of doing a regular spiritual inventory.

It is often true that what is going on in the external realm of our lives is also usually an indication of what is happening in the inner realm. It is important to make a regular "location statement," that is, to observe the current circumstances surrounding our lives, and asking God to enable us to link it to what was taking place inside of us at the same time.

At certain points in the four weeks that we spent in Rasa, each one of us was asked to give a location statement, and then to share how that external event connected to an inner condition of our heart.

This spiritual lesson has proven to be very helpful.

Le me share this example. One Saturday a group of us went on a long hike from the small village of Rasa up to Pizzo Naccio (Italian for peak of Naccio), another portion of the Swiss Alps which was 1,306 meters above sea level (Rasa was 898 meters above sea level). Equipped with our packed lunch and a canteen of water, we went on our way. None of us had ever been there before, but there were signs along the way which were quite easy to follow.

On the way up to Pizzo Naccio

I'm not used to going on long hikes, much less up steep mountain sides on very narrow trails, and had I known beforehand how difficult it was going to be, I would surely have opted not to join the group. But it was too late to back out, and I had to go along. When we got back to Rasa, it was dusk, and past our usual dinner time.

On Alpe di Naccio

Needless to say, it turned out to be a great experience for me. Once we reached the top of Naccio (also called Alpe di Naccio), I had a breathtaking view of Lago Maggiore (Italian for major lake) a famous lake in Locarno, the southern part of Switzerland. Part of this lake was also in Italy. From this vantage point, I also saw how far we had travelled that day, almost 400 meters on foot!

View of Lago Maggiore from Alpe di Naccio

Going back down was much easier than going up; it was, however, more tricky. We had to move slowly as the paths were quite powdery and littered with dry leaves in the summer. One could very easily slide over the steep sides of the mountain!

In one session that week Hans, our spiritual mentor, asked me to give a location statement.

I shared how I found going up Pizzo Naccio to be a new and difficult experience for me, but it led me to the highest place I had ever reached in my life, and from there, I saw breathtaking views. Reaching the top also gave me the perspective to see how far I had hiked up winding and narrow mountain paths just to get to that point. I also narrated my experience about going down -- how much easier it was, but how dangerous it could prove to be, if I wasn't careful.

That same week in Rasa, I realized that I was growing very close to God, much closer than I had ever been before. I felt that He was showing me many deep things about His heart that I had never seen before. But it was only after Hans asked me to give my location statement did I learn to link my external circumstances with what was happening deep inside me as a person.

I understood in a graphic way that there was indeed a relationship, a connection between the external and the internal realities of my life!

From the beginning, God always asks His children to give a "location statement." After Adam ate of the forbidden fruit, God asked him, "Where are you?" And after Cain murdered Abel, God asked him, "Where is your brother?" From that simple teaching I learned the value of listening to God as He asks, "Where are you now?" Unless I watched and observed what was happening around me, I could not pray effectively, neither could I grasp what was going on in my life in the heavenly realm. I would not be able to connect with what the Father is doing, simply because I wasn't paying close attention.

--0--

Recently, I saw the need to take a spiritual inventory by looking at the external events of my life.

At about the same time that a thief broke into our flat about three weeks ago, I felt that there were precious relationships in my life that the Enemy was attempting to steal and destroy. God wanted to call my attention to an inner reality through this unfortunate event.

Those who are close to me know that I am a "people person" -- I value relationships. I take great care in affirming my loved ones, and go out of my way to show them I care.

One relationship that has really warmed my heart is a friendship that I have with a dear pastor and his wife who live in Manila. It all began in 2002 when they travelled to our church to attend a seminar that we were conducting.

Events were orchestrated by the Lord and we found ourselves working together in a ministry that aims to bring healing to emotional and spiritual woundedness in families. The friendship grew, until we reached the level that we could freely speak to one another about what was on our hearts without fear of rejection or offense.

Whenever I was in Manila, we would make it a point to visit, and update each other about what the Lord was doing in our lives, as well as other personal things.

There are just certain friends that are really so special, bringing a delight to your heart each time you see them.

This couple were that kind of friends to me. We keep track of one another's life journeys. We call each other "kingdom friends." Our friendship has reached a special level where we value one another's spiritual insights. Whenever I pour out some of my concerns, I know that tender caring hearts listen and understand. We pray for one another.

I don't have many friends like them.

The night before I was to leave for Thailand last year, they even went out of their way to treat me to a special meal in lovely Ortigas Center, an upscale business and shopping area in Metro Manila. With this couple were a few others in their church who had also become dear friends of mine.

All the months that I have been here in Thailand, we would send email back and forth, exchanging views, opinions, insights, and words of encouragement.

Then something happened.

I wasn't directly involved at the start. But because I was sent a copy of an email they had written to someone else, I thought that my opinion was welcome. Thinking we were on "that" level of friendship, I wrote a couple of letters in response to what I received. Freely I poured out what I felt, and what I thought...

And while there has been graciousness in the succeeding letters to each other, I still feel a stab of pain in my heart. Details cannot be elaborated on here, but I feel that my heart has been robbed of something so beautiful and so valuable.

I'm sure this isn't true, but somehow I feel that some of my precious pearls were left in a muddy ditch.

I never intended for it to turn out this way. Nobody can really be blamed. Underneath the topical messages were more powerful relational messages that have somehow been misunderstood. It's even possible that my dear friends also have their own share of pain and disappointment over this experience that they have not shared with others.

Recent developments made me feel that while other relationships which were similarly threatened had somehow been resolved, I ended up being left out, holding my broken heart in my hands.

I don't really know how to describe what I'm going through. I have asked them to forgive me, and I'm sure they have. But I don't think they have an idea of what's happened to my heart.

On the surface both sides want to let the matter rest. It is a closed chapter.

But is it, really?

I have been grieving silently the past weeks, and ever since an intruder broke into our flat I had been seeing a similarity in the pattern of events surrounding my life.

Sharing what I feel with my husband, I told him, "What I don't want is for everything to simply move on with this big gap in the middle not being properly addressed or dealt with.

Ernie's simple words of wisdom were, "You've spent enough time on that issue...time to let go of your idealism, and give yourselves space."

How true... but what he said wasn't really the kind of comfort my heart was looking for.

At a certain point last week, I cried out to God and told Him that I didn't know how to undo, or how to mend, what has been broken. I asked Him to break through for me.

And He did.

Three days ago, while I was having my devotional time with Jesus, my Savior broke through my pain, and poured a healing balm on my heart.

I was reading 2 Samuel 23:16, where David refused to drink the water that his three men had risked their lives for. David's reason was noble, saying that he could not bring himself to drink something so precious.

Then comes Oswald Chambers' thoughts on that passage.

What has been like water from the well of Bethlehem to you recently-- love, friendship, spiritual blessing?

... at the peril of your soul, you take it to satisfy yourself, Oswald Chambers continues.

You must sacrifice it, pour it out, do with it what common sense says is an absurd waste.

God was addressing a deep issue in my heart, and I got the message loud and clear.

Nothing more needs to be said about it.

I will move on. The friendship is not really broken, God simply wanted to purify the relationship and elevate it to a higher level. We are entering another season.

This is the prayer I wrote in my journal:

Father, I lay this friendship, and all the pain of disappointment, unmet expectations, feelings of rejection, false relational messages... down at Your feet. I will not hold on to it, Lord. I pour it before You now.

And thank You that You see my heart. I only want to obey You, and make sure that nobody else shares the throne. Let me never seek affirmation from the wrong source, or to quench the deep thirst of my soul by drinking water from the wrong well.

Thank You for opening my eyes. There will be no little gods in my life, be it a friendship, an experience, or a spiritual blessing.

You alone are my God. Let no thief ever steal the place that belongs to You alone.

Jacob's New Name

Looking Back: A page from my Rasa Diary

Rasa in Centovalli, Ticino, Switzerland

"Then Jacob was left alone;

and a Man wrestled with him until the breaking of day."

Genesis 32:24

It was my first week in Rasa.

During the evening session, Hans asked us a question. I can’t recall what the question was. Others in the group began giving their responses; finally, my turn came. Still thinking of how to put my thoughts into words, I began my sentence with a qualifier, something like, “Hans, I do not know if what I feel makes sense to you, but...”

Hans stopped me with a remark. He said something like, “Why do you always want to be sure you are correct? It seems like you always want to impress, just like the Pharisees....”

My initial reaction after hearing those words was to retreat inside the safety of my own heart. It sounded like a stern rebuke, but his comment didn’t really affect me at once. I simply sat there until the session was over.

Later, at the cafeteria some of my fellow participants began to gather around me, one or two of them held my hand, another gave me a hug, but none of them said a word. Slowly I began to realize that they were feeling something for me...probably because of what took place earlier during the session.

At that time, I didn’t think much of what Hans said. After all, I had only been in Rasa a week; he didn’t really know me. For me it was just a casual comment that could be discarded... and never to be thought of again.

But after the wordless sympathy offered by some of my fellow participants, something in my heart gave way.

Alone in my room that night, I couldn’t sleep. Hans' words came back to me: “always wanting to impress... just like the Pharisees...”

I began asking, “Well, what was a Pharisee?”

The answer didn't take long to come: a Pharisee was a self-righteous person who took pride in always being right.

Well, was I being like a Pharisee?

Was it true that I was "always wanting to impress" others?

Anger and confusion began to rise up in my heart. I thought I had gone to Rasa as a whole person, not really needing anything. My purpose for going was to learn new things, I went as an observer, a spectator of sorts.

At that time, I didn't think there was anything seriously wrong with me. So, if Hans was going to make me begin feeling like I was blind to my true inner condition, maybe the best thing for me was to get out of that place as soon as possible. I planned on calling my husband in the morning to have him arrange a return flight for me right away.


The Rasa bell tower sounded the hour. It was 3:00 a.m. Not only had I not slept a wink, my eyes were puffy from crying.

Suddenly I realized I was in a wrestling match with God.

“Who am I really, Lord? Protect me, dear God, save me. Don’t let any harm be done to me. I cling to You now, for You are my only hope....”

Holding on to God, yet demanding to understand and hear the truth from Him. I heard myself saying these familiar words, “I will not let You go unless You bless Me.”

I was Jacob, struggling with God.

Well, it was really a God-moment. God spoke to my heart. He said, “You are safe here. You will not be harmed. I am with you.”

There was a blessing of peace that came, and I finally fell asleep.

There were no instant answers that morning, but the story of Jacob’s struggle with God became very real to me in the days that were to follow.

Three days later, at Lectio Divina during which Hans would ask us to close our eyes as we listened to him read a Bible passage to us, I was surprised to hear the very story of Jacob (Genesis 32:22-31):
And he arose that night, and took his two wives, his two female servants, and his eleven sons, and crossed over the ford of Jabbok. He took them over the brook, and sent over what he had.

Then Jacob was left alone; and a Man wrestled with him until the breaking of day. Now when He saw that He did not prevail against him, He touched the socket of his hip; and the socket of Jacob's hip was out of joint as He wrestled with him.

And He said, "Let Me go, for the day breaks." But he said, "I will not let you go unless You bless me!"

So He said to him, "What is your name?" He said, "Jacob."

And He said, "Your name shall no longer be called Jacob, but Israel; for you have struggled with God and with men, and have prevailed."

Then Jacob asked, saying, "Tell me Your name, I pray." And He said, "Why is it that you ask about My name?" And He blessed him there.

So Jacob called the name of the place Peniel: "For I have seen God face to face, and my life is preserved."

Just as he crossed over Penuel the sun rose on him, and he limped on his hip.

After listening to the story, we were instructed to allow it to "resonate" within our hearts and let God's story meet with our own life story.

The story did come alive in my heart as I re-lived it. There Jacob was, standing on the north bank of the river Jabbok... alone with his doubts, and his fears.

He knew he was at a dead end. The time had come for him to even the score with Esau, the brother he had cheated twenty years ago. This time, not only was there no place for him to hide, the stakes were much higher, too. He had two wives, eleven sons, and great possessions. He was a very rich man.

Indeed, the God who promised to bless him had kept His part of the "bargain," but Jacob knew he needed so much more than just great wealth and a quiver full of sons. He was tired of the scheming and the manipulating, of running away, and taking things into his own hands. Maybe he was looking for a sense of purpose in his life, and waiting for the fulfillment of the covenant promise God spoke to him at Bethel.

But what could he do? Despite some external changes, deep inside he was still the same Jacob -- the cheater, the supplanter. He badly needed a change of heart. He was crossing the ford for this reason: to seek the God of Abraham and Isaac.

God once again meets him at his point of need. I have heard it said that this story is about persevering in prayer. Maybe so. But the story also says that it was a real wrestling match. And in this match, Jacob knew it was "do or die", his last chance to get answers to the deep longings of his heart. He gives it his best shot.

And God, the covenant keeper, does three things.

First He brings Jacob to the end of himself, and gets him to admit who he really is before God. Jacob clings to God in weakness. "My name is Jacob, a heel-grabber, this is who I am." Jacob's desperation and humble confession move God's heart.

God changes him from inside.

Then, God gives him a new name to match the new nature. "You will no longer be called Jacob, but Israel," God says. No longer Cheat, but Prince, the Noble One.

Jacob's limp will forever remind him of this encounter. Indeed, he is a transformed man.

At one point in the story, I realized that it was no longer Jacob struggling with God, but me! And it seemed like God was also asking me my name...

That encounter led me to see many things that I never saw before. I was given the courage to admit before God who I really was, the same way Jacob did.

I had to confess that my old name was Proud, the perfectionist, always wanting to appear right, always wanting to impress. Surprisingly, admitting so was not painful anymore. On the contrary, it set me free. Free to be who God really created me to be.

God gave me a new name -- Humble.

No longer needing to pin a label on myself for others to see each time I did something good.

No longer demanding to have such high standards, not just for myself, but for others around me as well.

My new name set me free, and enabled me to set others free, from my own set of expectations.

My new name also gave me a new orientation, a new way of speaking:

Humble says, "It's okay to be good enough."

Humble says, "I accept you even when you don't measure up...because I am no longer the standard, God is."

Humble says, “I won’t try to fit life into my mold, nor will I expect people or circumstances to suit my agenda... because God is the Sovereign One over all areas of my life.”

Jesus says:

Walk with me and work with me--

watch how I do it.

Learn the unforced rhythms of grace.

I won't try to lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you.

Keep company with me

and you'll learn to live freely and lightly.

Matthew 11:29-30 (The Message)