Letting Go

Abraham and Isaac

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for,
the evidence of things not seen.

- Hebrews 11:1




And without faith it is impossible to please God,
because anyone who comes to Him
must believe that He exists
and that He rewards those who earnestly seek Him.

- Hebrews 11:6

In my recent posts I have shared how my heart has been battered by many concerns -- firstly for my daughter Obedient One who was held up at gun point just outside our home about a month ago, and secondly, the two typhoons that recently left a massive devastation in the northern part of our country.

I arrived in Manila from our UAE trip on September 27 and had intended to stay only two days with my daughter before returning to my home in Bacolod City. But because of what happened to her, I decided it was best to be with her, until her scheduled trip to Cambodia on October 9.

Obedient One and her friends visited Angkor Wat in Cambodia and stayed there for a week. Upon arriving back in Manila, she boarded another flight to Bacolod City to spend time with our family for a few days and to join us for Matthew's first birthday last October 20.

We really had a wonderful time together as a family again, especially as we celebrated my grandson's first birthday, a milestone in his young life.

Obedient One returned to Manila yesterday.

--0--

A good friend of mine, Elena, was diagnosed with an arteriovenous malformation (AVM) near the base of her brain. She was given two options of treatment: gamma radiation, or a brain surgery to remove the malformation, a twisted clump of blood vessels. She opted for surgery, a procedure that is certainly not risk-free. One wrong move of the surgeon's hand and she could lose part of her vision, or worse, be disabled for life.

She underwent surgery the other day.

--0--

Another friend of mine, Lagi, met an accident a week ago. A truck hit the SUV she was driving, and as a result, she suffered a stroke. She is still in the Intensive Care Unit, the left side of her body paralyzed.

--0--

My sister in law Sue also had an accident while she was in the US six months ago. The car they were riding was hit from behind by a speeding vehicle, and Sue, to this day is suffering from neck and facial muscles spasms and intense pain as a result of the impact. She is still undergoing therapy for this, but clearly, the recovery is going to be a slow and painful process.

--0--

One Sunday night last month, on September 20 to be exact, in my hotel room in the UAE, I suddenly found myself overcome with sadness and grief. I was already in bed getting ready to sleep and listening to Jessie Rogers sing Who Can Compare in her beautiful, soulful way.

The feelings just came in unannounced, taking me by surprise. I was filled with such a longing for heaven, my heavenly home, as I found myself singing along with Jessie while she sang the lines... so filled with meaning and hope...


Who can compare to You my Lord,
You're everything that I adore,
and all of my life is in the palm of Your hand...

And all of my heart I give to You,
all that I am and all I do,
who can compare to You?

(Who Can Compare, in Jessie Rogers' Out of the Fire CD)


Tears started falling from my eyes onto my pillow, and I couldn't control my sobs. I really felt so sad, feeling so alone. I missed my husband and realized that after all these months, I had not really grieved his death. There have been so many things happening one after the other from the day he died.

And so I just allowed myself to cry, and to sob, and to just ask the Lord to come and put His arms around me, to comfort me. I asked Him to come visit me. How I really needed to feel His presence.

This went on for hours. There was no tangible holy presence that came, but just allowing the tears to freely fall, and to feel the grief, the pain, the loss... brought about a comfort that I needed to feel at that time.

It just amazes me that it was in this strange land, so far away from home, that my Father chose to let my feelings come to the surface. I was able to offer my pain to Him, and received yet another layer of healing for my heart.

The next day, my heart still felt soft and tender from the encounter that I had with my Father. I treasured the experience, and though the sadness was still there, the comfort was just as real.

Heaven is real. And my husband is there. Enjoying the presence of God. And one day, I will see him again.



Friends have asked me how I cope with the loss.

To be honest, although there are days when I miss my husband, I have never really felt a desire to leave this world to be with him. There is no wishing for death, as if life stopped having any kind of meaning for me when he passed away.

It is quite clear to me that there is another level, a higher plain where God is bringing me. It is a process of growing and maturing in my faith journey.

God has given me a mission statement: to be a prophetic intercessor, an agent of healing in the lives of people He sends my way. I am also the prophet and the priest that stands guard and keeps watch at the doorway of our family, a spiritual role that I take seriously. And for these purposes, I know God is allowing me to go through an intensive equipping process as well.

--0--

One night in Manila, a few weeks ago, I couldn't sleep. God was impressing names of people on my heart that He wanted me to pray for. For two hours or so, I kept praying for Sue, for my friend Elena, for my children First Born, God-given, Worshiper, and Obedient One. God was in the room with me, and I didn't have the English words to pray... so I began praying in my prayer language, and it went on non-stop. As this went on, there was a heavenly peace that I felt, and I knew God was allowing me to pray the prayers that were on His heart.

And this really is the best prayer we can offer, not the prayers of our own human understanding, but the prayers of His heart.

--0--

As I awoke this morning, my heart was struggling. I was thinking of my daughter Obedient One... of my First Born... of my friends Elena, of Lagi, of my sister in law Sue.

The picture of Abraham about to slay his son Isaac on the altar was on my mind. I knew there was another faith lesson underway.

Andrea of A Feast of Light wrote about faith on her latest blog post, Collision. Obviously, Andrea and I have been going through the same faith lessons these past weeks.

She writes about the collision of our flesh with our faith, and I quote part of it here:

Collision of faith and flesh is stunning. It is gritty reality right in your face. It can be quite rude and ugly. Its abruptness raises personal inspection, a microscopic look of survival faith, that part of your life in God that is left when living gives you less than best, or worse that worst.

A simple knowledge of God, dear friends, is not breath enough for survival faith. No, survival faith, the shattered remains from collision of faith and flesh, must have something more. Deep roots, fertile soil, good water, tender care. A divine taproot that glues faith fibers together, so that no tugging, pulling, or digging can transplant or destroy our life in God.

I wholeheartedly agree with her when she says that a simple knowledge of God is not enough. What she calls "survival faith" is the shattered remains from collision of faith and flesh...and it must have something more, something deeper.

Years ago I have decided that I will be known as a woman of faith; when my earthly life is over, I want to leave behind a legacy of faith.

It hasn't been an easy road, learning to live a life of faith. Most of the time I have had to learn my faith lessons the hard way.

Just as Abraham was required to leave the comfortable and familiar confines of his home, I chose to embrace a deeper faith, letting go of my mere intellectual understanding of the religious rituals that I was brought up under, and going into the deeper waters of a heart transforming faith.

James puts it this way:

Therefore lay aside all filthiness
and overflow of wickedness,
and receive with meekness the implanted word,
which is able to save your souls.

But be doers of the word,
and not hearers only,
deceiving yourselves.

- James 1:21-22

I grew up thinking that hearing the word was enough... doing the rituals, going through the motions of my religion.

I was earnest and sincere, but I didn't know how to make my faith work.

Then the Lord confronted me in what I will call my Damascus Road experience.

One day I realized that simply hearing the word was not going to save me. This led me through a faith crisis. I share a little bit about this experience in Face to Face, a post I wrote during our last few months in Chiang Mai, Thailand.

I first encountered God at a a deeper level thirty-six years ago, but it is only in the past decade that I understood the difference between presumptuous faith and a broken faith.

Like David, I thought I was ready for war. And in all honesty, I thought my heart was humble, not arrogant. But God desires a brokenness in our faith, and this is where the wilderness experience comes in. Before David was fit to be king, God allowed his faith to be broken in the wilderness where no amount of "faith posturings" could help.

There were times when my faith, instead of serving the purposes of God, served my human flesh. It caused me to desire to use my so called faith to look good in the eyes of others, and promote my own agenda instead of God's.

Then the reversals came. Sickness, financial ruin, failed businesses, relationships turning sour...many other forms of devastation.

What Andrea calls survival faith, I call broken faith.

Bob Sorge, in his book The Fire of Delayed Answers writes about this kind of faith:

God taught David how to be a man of faith...and none of the lessons he learned previously was applicable anymore. In this way, God broke David's framework and understanding of faith and then began to totally rebuild it.

David would rise again in faith, but this time it would be a faith that would be devoid of all self-confidence and trust in human strength.

Broken faith is faith that endures, because it has been tested in the crucible, the way gold is proven and purified. Broken faith will refuse to be offended at others, or even God, when we feel we have not been treated right. Broken faith will keep holding on to God.

Abraham was called to leave his comfort zone and his obedience led him through that great journey of faith. Years later, he would be asked to yield his son, Isaac, in a major test of faith.

Abraham passed this test, but it was not really the kind of test that anyone looks forward to going through.

It has been said that all of life is a test of faith, because a broken and tested faith is what will save our souls on that final day of judgment...it is the faith that doesn't merely hear the word, but does it!

God wants to make sure that we have the right kind of faith.

And I am truly grateful to Him for allowing me to experience many such faith testings in my life.

--0--

I almost went to Manila with Obedient One yesterday. My heart as a mother wants to protect her, to be with her... sometimes I think that Obedient One is still a little girl, and that if I am with her, she will be safe.

But God spoke clearly to my heart. I don't want you to go to Manila at this time. You are also needed here; there is work to be done here for now.


When God speaks, I must obey. But please, dear friends, I need you to pray with me.

Yes, Obedient One's faith is growing, even as she needs to learn more faith lessons on her own. And I need to let her go, again. She is safe and secure in the arms of God, her heavenly Father. Let us continually ask God to cover her with His favor, day and night.

First Born son received a job promotion last week. We had been praying for this, and it was granted. Nevertheless join me as I continue to pray for God's healing hand to be upon his heart, for he continues to hold on to many unresolved issues in the area of unforgiveness.

Forerunner, my grandson celebrated his first birthday three days ago. I am praying for spiritual awareness for him, a hunger for God, protection from demonic schemes, and wisdom to be upon his parents to nurture and train him in the way he should go, as he enters his first year of life.

Preparations are underway for my son Worshiper and his fiancee Chosen One's wedding this December. We are praying for good weather, and for all plans to go smoothly, giving glory and honor to God alone.

My friend Elena is out of danger. She is already sitting up, and talking. Her vision was not impaired. Her CT scan shows that the cauterized portions of the blood vessels removed from her brain are not in danger of hemorrhaging. She was not disabled in anyway. Even her doctors are amazed at her quick recovery. We praise God for answering our prayers, and let us continue to pray that no post surgical complications will arise.

Be with me in my ongoing prayers for God's healing intervention in the lives of my friend Lagi and my sister in law Sue.

--0--

As I am about the end this post, I thank God that He has given me a deeper understanding of broken faith, this life of faith that I desire.

The kind of faith that God rewards is not an intellectual faith. What good is it if my faith is in mere words?

Today, I thank You Father for speaking to me again about the faith that You desire, an active, mountain-moving faith. A faith that will not crumble when it collides with my earthly realities, but will remain steadfast and strong.

Father I want my life of faith to be a shining light to those around me. May my faith not be one that will give glory to me, but to You alone. Indeed, my Father, You are the author and the finisher of my faith!

My Faith Looks Up To Thee

My faith looks up to Thee,
Thou Lamb of Calvary, Savior divine!
Now hear me while I pray, take all my guilt away,
O let me from this day be wholly Thine!

May Thy rich grace impart
Strength to my fainting heart, my zeal inspire!
As Thou hast died for me, O may my love to Thee,
Pure warm, and changeless be, a living fire!

While life’s dark maze I tread,
And griefs around me spread, be Thou my Guide;
Bid darkness turn to day, wipe sorrow’s tears away,
Nor let me ever stray from Thee aside.

When ends life’s transient dream,
When death’s cold sullen stream over me roll;
Blest Savior, then in love, fear and distrust remove;
O bear me safe above, a ransomed soul!

Read the story of how this hymn was written, and listen to a piano version of it here.