Re-creating Your Environment

Spring

photo source




... in humility value others above yourselves,
not looking to your own interests
but each of you to the interests of the others.
In your relationships with one another,
have the same mindset as Christ Jesus...

- Philippians 2:3-5

Journal Entry: NAIA Terminal 3, Manila, August 24, 2011, 12:45 p.m.

I am here at the Chaikofi Brewing Lounge of the NAIA Terminal 3. In about an hour I will board my flight back to my home city of Bacolod.

Within these few uninterrupted moments I want to quiet my heart and put my thoughts to words, enjoying the unhurried time and private space available to me in this little corner of the busy airport.

Upon waking up at 4:30 this morning, I knelt before God, and spoke heart to heart with Him. In this new season of my life I have a fresh determination to draw even nearer. I will not be satisfied with standing at the fringes of His glory. My desire is to be near where the king is seated in all His glory and royal regalia.

I want to behold Him in the beauty of His holiness... and take the necessary steps in that direction.

It is an ongoing journey, I look at it as my sacred pilgrimage, this shaping and molding of my character that it may become more and more like my Master’s heart.

There are seasons when I make quick and steady progress... but sometimes it takes longer.

To keep moving on means dealing with the distractions, and hindrances along the way.

All I really want is to go through life as an agent of reconciliation...

with a heart open to learn what there is to learn, for admittedly I, too, have many areas of blindness...

a willingness to walk in humility, beyond the first mile...

and giving what I can -- not out of my limited store of material provisions, but from the wellspring of God’s love... gifts of sincerity and kindness.

But there are times when the gifts I offer are not good enough, because what the other desires can be satisfied by no one else but God alone.

Only God is able fill the deepest longing of the human heart. No man can ever meet such a deep need.

Look to a mere human to address that need – and the result is an idol created in the image of what the heart is longing for... be it a person, a perfect situation, a thing.

And, a false god is not only powerless to bring change... it never truly satisfies.

There will always be one more thing missing, another thing gone wrong. Somehow others will always fall short.

But there are no lasting earthly solutions to the human dilemma. Only divine interventions.

I worshiped God this morning not with many words, but with tears.

I came to Him in need of a deep spiritual cleansing from the defilement of spoken words... demeaning and maligning words.

My Lord God met me with open arms; He embraced me with compassion and understanding.

To God I lifted up my daughter, still fast asleep on the other bed. A mother’s love goes very deep, but I can’t always be there for her. How thankful I am that God’s love goes deeper still.

Hide us in the cleft of Your rock, my Lord.

Because the lens we use to look at others is shattered by the Fall, we always have an incomplete picture, and our perspective will always be clouded.

Only God has an eternal vantage point, He sees all angles.

Break through, dear God... break through for the ones I love.

I thanked my Father for teaching me to walk the path of understanding.

For giving me the ability to listen, not to another person’s spoken words, but the unspoken words of the heart...

not with judgment, not even self-protection... but with compassion.

I prayed the mercy prayer, Father forgive them for they know not what they do.

You can re-create your environment, My child. These are the words I heard God speaking in my spirit.

You have received power and authority to re-create the spiritual climate around you.

To be an agent of reconciliation is a high calling.

To speak words of life, imparting grace to the hearer. Sometimes words are not even necessary... the spiritual atmosphere can be positively charged by constructive silence, the silence that heals and seeks to understand.

In everything showing honor and deference.

There is great power in honor.

Honor is the language and conduct of royalty!

Showing honor is the mark of nobility and kingly status!

With my words I want to weave
a tapestry of beautiful memories to warm the hearts
of those I will someday leave behind.

A legacy of honor. That is what I want to leave behind.

I believe my prayers have found favor in God’s eyes.

I quickly went down to prepare a simple breakfast of cheese and garlic omelette, steamed rice, kefir, and fruit. It was a mother’s little way of saying good-bye to her youngest child and only daughter. When Obedient One comes home tonight, I will already be back in Bacolod.

Before walking out the door, my daughter hugged me and gave me that sweet smile – reserved for me alone. Despite the many life lessons she still needs to learn she knows my love for her is unconditional... that I will always try to understand. She is secure in knowing that I give her enough room to grow.

We all go through learning seasons... My most valuable lessons were always learned the hard way. At 58, I have not only learned, but also unlearned, many things. Nevertheless, much spiritual ground remains to be discovered and experienced. I am a lifelong learner, God's masterpiece in the making.

And I have no doubt that this young woman, just like me, is going through her learning seasons as well. God has a special curriculum and timetable for her, for me... for any one who is willing to be taught.

Again I prayed a short prayer for her: Hide her in the cleft of Your rock, my God. Thank you that she has an obedient, teachable heart.

After breakfast I spent some time in our backyard. My maid Irene and I cut off dead leaves and added compost material to the potted plants. We pruned the bushes and loosened up the soil around the plants. More work remains to be done. Gardening is a process...to be enjoyed it must be done in stages. There is always a time of waiting involved.

... Hope rose in my heart as I realized that the time I spent in the garden was a picture of what God was doing in the garden of my relationships.

It is a new season, I can feel it in the air.

See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness
and streams in the wasteland.

- Isaiah 43:19

A way out of the wilderness... streams in the wasteland... yes, indeed!

Making a choice to overlook the pain, and entrusting the difficult situation to God... it is easier said than done. But this is always my desire - to be a woman of peace... to be free to bring my relationships to a higher level.

Layers of deep-seated dirt, accumulated through the years, in the natural as in the spiritual, are being exposed.

Yes, indeed we can re-create the spiritual climate in which we operate – by taking a proactive stand and choosing to speak words that give honor... words that heal, never words that demean and devalue.

Conflicts... they need not be the hindrance. They can be the platform for growing in grace and humility.

My dear friend Bill Mills once said, "We can go through anything with one another."

How true! I create the climate for my relationships; it is my responsibility to cultivate the seedbed on which my relationships thrive and grow to maturity.

Before long my bags were ready and it was time to say goodbye to my sister. We do not see each other too often, and I was grateful for the brief time we had together.

Lord, may it be eternally spring in the garden of our hearts, I prayed as we parted ways.

I believe that in heaven it will be eternally spring... the same environment I seek to cultivate in my relationships.

May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O LORD my Rock and my Redeemer.

Eternally spring! What a marvelous promise!

View from my window seat as the plane approached the runway of the Bacolod Silay National Airport. Joy and delight seemed to leap from the greenery of the agricultural lands that greeted my eyes. It has never felt so good to be back home!

A Gentle and Quiet Spirit

Your beauty should not come from outward adornment,
such as elaborate hairstyles
and the wearing of gold jewelry
or fine clothes.
Rather, it should be that of your inner self,
the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit,
which is of great worth in God’s sight.

- 1 Peter 3:3-4

It's a cool Sunday morning, and outside my window I hear the birds chirping merrily.


Many thoughts are going on in my mind.


Next Sunday, a week from today I will be turning 58.


I arrived in Manila last week to spend twelve days with my only daughter, who lives in this city. We will have a special lunch at my favorite restaurant today to have an advance celebration of my special day.


Then I will return to Bacolod City just a few days before my birthday, so that I can celebrate my birthday with my two sons and their families.


Surely that day deserves a special blog post... but this morning I just want to share some of the thoughts going on in my mind.


Right now my heart bursts with thanksgiving to my Creator God for making me who I am.


I feel so loved, and I feel so special.

...My parents brought me up in an atmosphere and environment of love.

...My one and only sister loves me.

...My husband loved me with a selfless love.

...My children love, honor, and respect me.

...My husband's family loves me and has a high regard for me.

...I have many friends - and my friends love me!


It is worth saying it again: Yes, I feel so loved, and I feel so special.


And the greatest thing I am thankful for today is that my heavenly Father loves me. He is for me, He is on my side!


And what's more, probably because I feel so loved, I feel beautiful... even if people may not always agree with that.


Yesterday, I got an email from my only sister. She always wants the best for me, and toward the end of her letter, she wrote, "Oh, by the way, I think you should put on more make-up when you go out...."


Bless my dear sister's heart. I know she loves me, and I understand what she meant when she said that.


In response, I just had to smile at her well-intentioned words. Her suggestion is well taken, and of course, I will heed her advice, when the occasion calls for it.


Honestly, for daily wear I do apply very light make-up... probably too light, it's not obvious.


And anyway, with or without it, I still feel beautiful.


Please don't misunderstand. I'm not in any way fishing for compliments. My heart is just overflowing this morning, and I want to share the joy surging through my veins.


There is something about being loved that makes one feel beautiful inside.


There was a season in my life when Ugly was the label I wore. The story about this chapter of my life is briefly mentioned in my introductory post for this blog, What's In A Name.


For months I refused to look at my face in the mirror because I couldn't stand the ugly face staring back at me.


Then God stepped in.


In an incredible encounter I had with Him one night, He gave me a new name. He said, You are a Crown of Beauty, a Royal Diadem, in My hand.


That was a major turning point in my life.


And He opened my spiritual eyes to see the beauty in the midst of my painful circumstances, the beauty of His purposes unfolding before my eyes. He gave me a new perspective from which to view my life, and taught my heart to respond in acceptance, joy, thanksgiving, and hope!


He showed that there is beauty in pain and disappointment! He led me to the wellspring of hope, to drink often from it, and fill my cup to overflowing!


This is the truth I declare: Jesus is my Crown of Beauty... He has made all things beautiful, in His time.



So here I am today, on the threshold of my 58th year. Eating healthy... walking as much as I can... feeling young, not old... and yet knowing that each day, I am one day closer to eternity!


Thank You dear Father for gracing my life with Your love. I surely do not deserve it... but I gladly receive it.


This song, another of my favorites, says it all:


The Stand
by Hillsong United

You stood before creation
Eternity within Your hand
You spoke the earth into motion
My soul now to stand.

You stood before my failure
Carried the Cross for my shame
My sin weighed upon Your shoulders
My soul now to stand.

So what can I say
What can I do
But offer this heart O God
Completely to You

So I'll walk upon salvation
Your Spirit alive in me
This life to declare Your promise
My soul now to stand

So what can I say
What can I do
But offer this heart O God
Completely to You

So I'll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the One Who gave it all

So I'll stand
My soul LORD to You surrendered
All I am is Yours

This year, mend a quarrel.
Seek out a forgotten friend.
Dismiss suspicion and replace it with trust.
Write a letter.
Give a soft answer.
Encourage youth.
Manifest your loyalty in word and deed.
Keep a promise.
Forgo a grudge.
Forgive an enemy.
Apologize.
Try to understand.
Examine your demands on others.
Think first of someone else.
Be kind.
Be gentle.
Laugh a little more.
Express your gratitude.
Welcome a stranger.
Gladden the heart of a child.
Take pleasure in the beauty and wonder of the earth.
Speak your love and then speak it again.

- Howard W. Hunter


This is me with my childhood best friend, Cynthia. We went to school together for twelve years! She arrived in Manila for a week for the burial of her baby brother Norby who passed away on March 12. Yesterday, she returned to San Francisco where she resides. This picture was taken during the lunch we had together with our other high school friends.

His Banner Over Me is Love

Journal Entry: January 18, 2009

He brought me to the banqueting house,

And his banner over was love.

Song of Solomon 2:4

It’s my last full day with my daughter , and my last full day in my father’s house. Tomorrow I will move to another city south of Manila. I will be staying at Ayala Alabang Village in Muntinglupa City with my friends Joey and Ut. For the remaining days of this week I will be coordinating two Ancient Paths seminars with a group from New Life Church. My flight back to Bacolod is on early Saturday morning.

Again, I feel a tinge of sadness to be leaving my daughter, and this beautiful home, so full of warm memories of my growing up years.

It’s been very cold these past days. At night, I have been grateful to be warm under my thick comforter. But the other night, as I was about to sleep, I felt an aching void in my heart. How secure it made me feel to have that blanket of cover, but that void was so painfully real. Somehow, with my husband gone, there have been times that I have felt unprotected and alone.

Ernie was a very good husband—a good provider, thinking of his family’s needs before his own, he was a strong protective wall around me. With him around, I felt secure. Mostly because he cared, he loved me, and was always thinking of me.

Whenever we were far from each other, he would send me SMS messages on my cell phone, with questions “How are you?” or “What did you and Obedient One do today”. Or he would send me tidbits of what has been happening at home. Just little messages to let me know he’s around. The text messages are non-intrusive. I could read them when I opened my phone. A phone call had the sense of urgency, and he knows that I generally do not like phone calls. I prefer to receive these quiet SMS messages. So he would send them to me, when he was at the airport, waiting for his next flight, or just an hour before his next class, he would ask me to pray.

Now, with Ernie gone, naturally there is no one who will think of me that way. And there are no longer any of those thoughtful text messages on my phone.

When we got back from Thailand last September, we had several suitcases with us. Ernie decided to leave one of his bags here in Manila, to avoid excess baggage fees on our flight back to Bacolod. “We can always take it back with us next time around,” he said.

I opened his suitcase the other day. There were his favorite cotton polo shirts, all neatly folded and giving off that familiar fragrant scent of the fabric conditioner we used in Chiang Mai. I couldn’t help but shed a few tears. In that suitcase is the electric hot pot which he very carefully packed among his clothes. He wanted to bring it back with us, one of the very few kitchen stuff we had decided to bring home. “This will remind us of our beautiful time together in the university flat,” he had said while packing it.

Now there is no one to share those beautiful Maejo memories with.

There can be so many ways of spiritualizing my husband’s death. I have found myself saying, “It’s a new season.” “The winter is over.” “God is calling me up to a higher level.”

And it’s all true. But I don't really need to hide my pain behind these truths. I can be up front and honest about my grief. The bottom line is that he’s no longer around. And I miss him so much.

These were the thoughts going around my mind as I lay under my comforter that night.

Then I remembered another time when I felt something like this. It was the night I came home from the hospital on November 1, 2006. Ernie had a heart attack that morning and was in the intensive care unit. A respirator was attached to him, and a tube was in his mouth that went into his trachea, for lung fluids had to be suctioned out regularly. He had a heart monitor, and an oxygen meter to measure how much oxygen was flowing into his lungs. His creatinine count was elevated, indicating kidney malfunction…

I have written about the miraculous account of his healing in a previous post.

But I didn’t know that then. All I knew that night was that his blood pressure was going down, and he had zero urine output. Not a very good prognosis.

At about 10 o’clock, my friends and I gathered around his bed again, and prayed Psalm 91 over him. Then, physically and emotionally exhausted from the whole day’s events, I was admonished by my friends to go home and get some sleep.

Upon getting home that night, I recall the emptiness of our home, the feeling of being alone, and the deafening silence of not having him around to talk to.

Then, I took my bible, my NKJV Spirit-filled Life Bible, a deep source of comfort to me as it contains words of life spoken by my heavenly Father. And I hugged that book close to my heart.

Maybe some people will think I’m crazy to do this, but hugging my favorite book really brought comfort to me that night.

I told God, “Father, I just want to hug Your words close to me. Your words have fed me, nourished me all these years. In embracing your book I know I will receive a measure of comfort and strength during these lonely hours when I do not even know what will happen next.”

I was able to sleep and even woke up refreshed a few hours later. I went back to the hospital before breakfast to find Ernie looking pink, no longer pale, very cheerful, and most of all recovered. It was his 60^th birthday.

That memory came back to me the other night.

I had just finished reading Psalm 119:1-8 (for I am making a determined effort this year to commit that whole psalm to memory) before turning off the reading lamp by my bed.

And I sensed God speaking to me, “Let Me be as this thick blanket over you.”

And I felt so warm and secure. I knew that God was the covering over my head, my strength, my security, my protector. I once again hugged my travel bible close to my heart.

And I fell asleep.

Life at Jubilee

Journal Entry: March 27, 2003

Year of Jubilee

photo credit: Deborah Colquohon

The Spirit of the LORD is upon Me,
because the Lord has anointed Me
to preach good tidings to the poor;
He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted,
to proclaim liberty to the captives,
and the opening of the prison to those who are bound;
to proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord,
and the day of vengeance of our God.

Isaiah 61:1-2

These past days, I've been turning back the pages of time. I came across a couple of journal entries that I want to appear on this blog as my introductory posts for the New Year 2009.

I only have one New Year resolution -- and that is to move up to the next level of my life that God has planned for me.

In desiring to move on, as the storm clouds around me are beginning to clear, I have re-read these entries of days past, and my heart is awed as I am once again reminded of what God has done.



JOURNAL ENTRY FOR MARCH 27, 1953


I turn 50 today March 27, 2003.

Can anyone share how I feel? I'm really excited to be at this age. After all, one turns 50 only once in a lifetime.

I feel so important, so significant! Makes me feel like I'm being called by God to do an eternally significant thing -- like there is a glorious path that is opening up before me, and I find myself on this path. What a privilege!

I call this my Jubilee Year.

In the history of Israel, Jubilee is the 50th year, coming after the seventh Sabbath year (or after 49 years). It is the year when captives are released, debts are wiped out, slaves are set free, and lands revert to their original owners. No matter how bleak everything looks, everyone can look forward to the year of jubilee because then everything starts all over again on a clean slate.

And so this year, I declare I will walk, talk, think, and do, JUBILEE.

I generally keep my "accounts" current. This means that I don't keep long lists of what people owe me in my relationships. Nevertheless, when I look under the carpets or peek into the nooks and crannies of my life, I must admit that some hidden lists remain.

This is a good year to open the prison doors in my heart, and decide it is time to let people I have imprisoned there through unforgiveness, through demands that they measure up to my expectations, through demands that they stay there until they have "paid back" everything I feel they owe me as my right, my fair share, my just dues... it is time to let them go.

I don't want to hold on to rocks of offense by my continued recitation of a litany of past hurts which only become fresh ammunition for re-opening old wounds. I open up the prison doors and set all these captive people free. In doing so, I set myself free.

Life is difficult enough even without my carrying that overweight backpack. For a prison is not only a dark place in my heart, it is also an unnecessary burden that weighs me down and keeps me from moving on. EVer looming before my eyes, it becomes a negative standard by which I measure every person and circumstance. The past assumes the role of an oppressive taskmaster that keeps yelling at me, "Never forget! Never go beyond this hurt! Remember what they did! Remember how it felt!"

Well, this being my jubilee year, it is time for me to say, "Enough is enough." It is time to tear up the record of wrongs, and start all over again...on a clean slate.

What a release!

And this year, not only will I refuse to re-live past hurts, I also refuse to walk in past victories.

"This is the time like never before to let go," says a dear author friend. Today, I will allow my precious alabaster jar which I have held on to for the longest time, to be broken, let the fragrance of the pure spikenard flow, and give my Creator the freedom to do a new thing in my life.

I choose, this being my jubilee year, to walk in the newness of life.

This is the acceptable year of the Lord, this is the year of Jubilee.

Let my life this jubilee year be as a challenge that I offer to others around me. Will you accept the challenge? The choice is yours to make.

Summer Break

Journal Entry: July 3, 2008

Beulah House Front Entrance

After our arrival from Thailand on May 1, I stayed behind in Manila for one week to spend some time with my only daughter, Obedient One, and my only sister who was also home from the US to spend a few months in the city.

On May 8, Obedient and I boarded our flight to Bacolod City. Obedient had decided to take a vacation leave from work to be with us for ten days. The last time we were all together as a family was last Christmas.

Upon arrival at the new Bacolod International Airport on May 8

A lot of things had changed since then. My eldest son First-Born got married in March, and his wife, whom I have named God-Given, lives with our family now.


When I left for Thailand in September last year, I was in the middle of sorting out stuff. House repairs were left at a standstill. Ernie and I planned to renovate our kitchen and turn it into some kind of a ministry kitchen, where people who wanted to come for worship, prayer, and intercession could have access to coffee and snacks, as well as have freedom to prepare their own meals. I also planned to rearrange my Gethsemane garden.

My to do list was getting longer each day; it didn't seem that two months would be enough.

First on that list was getting to know my new daughter-in-law, God Given. I had only met her once before, during a dinner that our family had with her last December. As First-Born's wife, she already has a special place in my heart, but I also wanted to develop a meaningful mother-daughter relationship with her.

The next thing on my agenda was to get to know her family, whom we had not met yet! We were thinking of preparing a special meal at home for them. God Given comes from a big family - she has eight sisters and brothers, not to mention her parents. Ernie and I wanted to at least move on with the repairs that were half-finished, including the painting of the new walls and ceilings. Plus, there were light fixtures to be installed, furniture to be rearranged, my area rugs, quilts, and breakable decors to be taken out of storage ... to give our home that personal touch and warm, cozy atmosphere once again, before inviting friends over.

We don't have a big place, but one of the things that my husband and I really enjoy is having friends and loved ones come over. We have opened our home, Beulah House, for a special ministry of worship and intercession, and so this is one regular event that we look forward to. But we also love it when friends come for a simple meal or a cup of my specialty coffee, or even just to be alone at a quiet spot in our living room or garden. I want to be available for someone who needs a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, a word of prayer and encouragement. Guests are also welcome to stay for a few days if they need a place to stay.

There were other things on my list.

My sister-in-law was having a big celebration of her 60th birthday on June 9, and her daughter had asked me to help her make it really special.

There was a grand affair on July 1, the first presidential investiture at the university where my husband serves as a member of the board of regents. The president of Maejo University, together with two vice presidents, two college deans, and a team of dancers were to be among the special guests for this momentous event.

I wanted to give a baby shower for my daughter-in-law who was due to give birth toward the end of October.

Several Ancient Paths seminars under Family Foundations International (FFI) were scheduled in Metro Manila for the first week of June, and since I had been away for some time, I also knew that my involvement as one of the seminar coordinators in this ministry was part of God's assignment for me at this time.

My two dogs, Patches and Sammy were due for their medical check ups. While we were away, Patches had developed a skin problem, and when we arrived she had several bald spots on her once beautiful and shiny fur. Dachshunds are quite sensitive, and it is possible that our long absence has caused this. Our vet scheduled her for weekly medicated baths.

I was also looking forward to spending some time with friends, just to reconnect and touch base.

--0--

How fast time has flown!

Two months have gone by so quickly. Tomorrow, Ernie and I leave for Manila. We will spend one night and most of Saturday with our daughter Obedient, before taking our flight back to Thailand on Saturday night.

It is unbelievable that God had given me the strength and ability to accomplish these past 60 days!

The ministry kitchen plans were put on hold, but I was able to do most of the things on my list, and more.

We were able to help First Born and God-Given with some repairs in their bedroom.

I found a new dentist, who was a real answer to prayer. I had asked God to lead me to someone who had commitment and compassion, and He did!

We had a great get-together with family and friends. It was good to spend time one-on-one with some of my friends -- Ruby, Miriam, Melanie, Arlene, Buddy, Trudi, Pat, Weng, Marilou, Tina, Pris, Baby, and Jenny. A group of my friends from church even gave me a welcome lunch, just a few days after I arrived.

With friends Pris and Tina

I went to Manila on June 6-9 to coordinate a Biblical Principles of Finance seminar with a group of business people from New Life church in Alabang, Muntinglupa City.

Upon my arrival in Manila on June 6 for the Finance Seminar
with my friends Trudi, Ruby and Arlene. (I'm the 2nd one on the left.)

Celebrating after a week of seminars at a Greek Restaurant,
this is me with Pearlie and Trudi

I went back to Manila from June 12-18 to spend some more time with my sister and daughter.

With friend Bolet and her dog, and my only sister, at our Manila home

We were able to spend a lot of time with Ernie's side of the family.

At Ernie's sister's vacation house at their fish farm

Our family celebrated Mother's Day, as well as First-Born's and God-Given's birthdays. My plan to have a fun-filled baby shower for God-Given successfully pushed through.

Our family: Obedient, Ernie, me, God-Given, First Born, and Worshiper

Patches' fur has started to grow back beautifully, and we gave both our dogs as much tender, loving care as we could give them.

Patches and Sammy resting after a walk

After a big storm hit our region a few weeks ago, my second son Worshiper, helped me prune and trim the vines and bushes which were damaged by the strong winds, giving my garden a brand new look.


God-Given and I got to spend a lot of quality time: during early breakfast, while preparing dinner together, during family mealtimes, shopping for clothes, and on several occasions that our family went to the beach for lunch. I have genuinely enjoyed her company and discovered her to be a sensible young woman, teachable, God-fearing, and having a deep love for God and for her husband.

Lovely photo of God-Given and First-Born!

I enjoyed spending many hours in Elim, my prayer room, one of my Father's precious gifts to me.

My prayer corner at Elim room

It is nearly midnight now, and my bags are still unpacked. There's stuff all over the room. Tomorrow I will finish packing, and after I put away my things everything will be neat and ready for our departure again. I might even have some time to take one more look at my garden. Patches and Sammy will also have one more trip to the vet.


As soon as we get to Manila, we will go straight to my friend Grace's brother's home in Alabang Hills where she will be celebrating her 4th of July birthday. Some of Ernie's side of the family from LA will be there. Obedient and my own sister will also be joining us.

With my friend Grace

My niece Missy and her son Ezra

My nephew Jay and his son Jared, and my daughter Obedient

We will arrive in Bangkok just before midnight on Saturday, then wait till Sunday morning to board our flight back to Chiang Mai.


Dearest Father, You have shown me once again that my life is in Your hands. I just want to thank You for being with me in all the seasons of my life. I cannot imagine what I went through these past two months, but every minute of it was beautiful and meaningful. Thank You...thank You. Words are not enough. You knew my heart's desire. I could feel your love and Your care, and Your loving provision of all my needs. Thank you, my Abba. Thank You. I entrust my dear children and homes to You. Surround them with Your hedge of protection. Thank You. Even before I asked, You have already answered.

All I Want Is You

Worship

I was listening to the CD Glorious when the last track began playing. Though I had listened to this CD countless times before, it was my first time to hear this song. I wonder how I could have missed it.

Standing there, I suddenly felt God's gentle presence in the room. "I'm here."

It was the kind of song I had been longing to hear, and sing:

I was made for loving You

I was made to worship

I was made to give You praise

All of my days, oh Lord

My all is for You

Cause when I'm with You

My heart is satisfied

And when I'm with You

My spirit can fly

When I'm with You

All the cares of my life

They just fade away

'til all I want, 'til all I see

Is You

(When I'm With You, by Klaus Kuehn)

As I began walking to work, and passing through the woody place as I always do each morning... I was listening to the song. How refreshing it was! I was like a thirsty doe at a waterhole, drinking sweet healing waters to my heart's content.

How I wished that walk would never end. I could have stayed there all day.

Yes, Lord, when I'm with You, my spirit can fly ... all the cares of my life just fade away ... 'til all I want ... 'til all I see ... is You.

"All I want is You."

And in a brief span of time, I was brought back to an important event in my life.

It was early 1996, right in the middle of a decade of spiritual pruning for me. From 1989-1999 I can say that God was turning my life upside down, and it was a decade of going from one crisis after another. A great financial loss, my dad's lingering illness, then the simultaneous deaths of both my own and Ernie's father. We could not grieve for each other because we were both mourning our own individual losses. Then, a false accusation hurled at us coming from dear brothers and sisters in the church we had called our own.

I did not know which loss was greater -- the death of a loved one, or the death of a sense of home in the very household of faith to which we thought we belonged. So much deep, indescribable pain in my heart ...

And then in the midst of it all, God speaks this startling message to me: "Let go of your prejudices. You have to come up higher."

I was attending the Visayas Prayer Congress at that time, and one of the speakers was a Pentecostal minister. I decided not to attend his session that day. Later, however, practically everyone was talking about that one particular session and I realized that I had missed out on something very special.

With a sense of regret, I began thinking, "It's because of my prejudices." And that was when I sensed God wanted me to go up higher.

That evening, in response to what God had spoken in my heart, I purposely went to the church where that same speaker was going to minister.

He spoke on a topic that wasn't entirely new to me, how God entrusts true riches to us only when our hearts are ready. It was actually a timely message, but I didn't think much of it then. At the end of his message, he was ready to minister to the people, and began asking anyone who had a need to come to the front. He called it "the Lord's altar."

I really felt I had so much need inside of me. But I said to myself, "No I won't go to the front. I will just quietly remain in my place, and ask God to minister to me here." I began crying out in my heart to God, "All I want is You, Lord. I don't want answers. I don't want solutions. I don't want provision. I'm not even asking for vindication, or the healing of relationships. ALL I WANT IS YOU!"

It was a heart cry so deep, so intense, and I had never really felt that way before. All along I had been asking God to give me back what I felt I had lost. That evening, I didn't want anything. "All I want is You, my dear Father. There is nothing else I want right now... only You." Tears were streaming down my face.

I don't remember how I ended up being in front. Someone must have gently led me there. As the minister stood in front of me, and began praying for me, I felt the warm and intense presence of the Lord, I couldn't stand. I had to kneel, in worship and in awe.

And all of that came back to me this morning ...

How my spirit soared in worship! I was made for loving You... I was made to worship ... I was made to give You praise ... All of my days ... My all is for You ... Cause when I'm with you ... All the cares of my life, they just fade away... 'til all I want, 'til all I see... is You.

"All I want is You, Lord." Let it always be so in my life, Lord, until I see you face to face.

My First Born Son

First Born at age 1 year and 4 months
photo taken on September 1981

"Take now your son, your only son Isaac, whom you love..."

Genesis 22:2

Today is my eldest son's 28th birthday. It will be a milestone for him because it is his first birthday as a married man. Ernie and I scheduled our trip back to the Philippines to coincide with this special event, so that we could all be together as a family to celebrate it.


I still remember the day he was born. The labor was fast, and the baby came out before the doctor arrived. Ernie and I went through Lamaze lessons a few months before our son's arrival, so I knew all the breathing and the pushing techniques needed to make the birthing process happen as naturally as possible. And it did.


We named him First-Born Son. Our hearts were full of hopes and dreams for our first-born son. After the delivery, which happened at about 3:45 a.m., I was back in my hospital room just in time to see the sunrise from my bed. The pinkish light of dawn was spreading gently across the morning sky. It was a new day and on that special morning, I knew God was speaking to my heart a powerful message of hope.


Thinking about his birthday reminds me of an event I'll never forget.

Just before his 8th birthday, in 1988, First Born Son became very ill. Below is an excerpt from my journal which I have written regarding this very memorable part of my life as his mother.

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Journal Entry: March 26, 1988

It is amazing how God sends experiences into our daily lives to reveal something to us. For some time now I have felt trapped and resentful in the kind of life I was in: the children have been demanding, my work at school has not been giving me the sense of fulfillment I had hoped it would, church relationships have been far from ideal, and above it all, I was not happy with the way I was reacting to all of what was happening....

And so when First-born Son became very ill last week, Tuesday night to be exact, it came as no surprise to me. It just had to happen. He developed a high fever which by Friday still had not gotten better, despite medication. To make matters worse, on that same day he started having diarrhea, and by Saturday morning, we were advised by our pediatrician, Dr. Sicangco, to bring him to the hospital. It was diagnosed earlier as a case of measles, but the diarrhea was a complication which needed professional care.

For days after that, the fever and the diarrhea continued and I sensed my son sinking into despair. How awful he must have felt. On Sunday morning my son said, "Mama I am afraid that I might never get well and die." Then this little boy pleaded with me to pray to Jesus to heal him. At the height of his despondency, he looked at me with tears in his eyes, and said, "Mama, I really feel so sorry for myself."

The truth is, I really felt so sorry for him. He was so weak, he could not open his eyes, and the fact that we had to make frequent trips to the restroom only served to emphasize his worsening condition. His lips were cracked and raw, his eyes secreted pus, I had to clean them every so often. The nighttime found my son coughing continually.

It was painful for me to see him this way. I found myself begging God to heal my son, reminding Him that He was the Author of life, and that He could heal First-Born Son if He wanted to. I could offer no bargains with Him knowing I was utterly dependent upon Him. I poured my heart out to Him: "Lord, You know what is best for me. Do as you please, God. And thank You -- I know You don't want anything less than my total good. Thank you."


What surprises me is the seeming calm within my heart as we spent that first day in hospital. It felt so peaceful to be there, alone with First-Born Son in that comfortable hospital room. I had no doubt it was God's perfect will for me to be there, although I never did ask for that sickness to happen.

I believe it was a clear case of Romans 8:28 where God takes the ugliness of human frailty and uses it to create something beautiful in my situation.


I cannot pinpoint the precise instance when God spoke to me. It must have been during the time that First-Born Son's condition was worsening. Many instances of what my son was struggling with came to my mind. I knew he had been going through a difficult time, and my heart as his mother ached for him. I remembered the frustration I had been feeling lately because of his twisted understanding about many things in his life.


I saw the hopes and the aspirations that Ernie and I had concerning our son, and how disappointed we were to see that things were not turning out the way we wanted them to. God knows we have tried our best. In our hearts was a special place for him as our first born, yet many times he felt that we did not love him enough....


We had to look within ourselves and ask, "Where have we gone wrong?"

What does he know of our hearts? Where could I as a mother even begin to touch him, and make him understand the truth, not so much for our sake, but for his own? How I wanted to make him see and feel our love for him! But how could I help him? Was there anything else I could do?


These and many other questions flooded my mind. And I remember my feelings as I sat in that hospital room alone with my sick son; feelings of helplessness and deep sadness. Yes, there was serenity in knowing that things were happening according to a Divine plan, and that somehow God had a purpose in it all for me, especially for me. Nevertheless my heart was heavy because I wanted nothing but the best for First-Born Son and I felt so unable to give it to him.


Then what happened next? I'm not really sure how to describe it. Was it a voice? Was it a thought? How did God communicate His thoughts to man? Slowly, but very clearly, I began thinking this way:

If I loved my son with all the love that a mother could feel for him, then how much more did God love him? If I wanted nothing less than the best for him, how much good did God desire for him? Could it be less than what I wanted for him?

All that God was planning for him was certainly beyond what I could imagine!

I began to understand that the very best, from his own Creator's point of view, was just waiting to happen. Therefore, if my greatest human effort to help my son proved to be in vain, could anything be too hard for God?

Thoughts were swirling around in my mind. Suddenly, as if a light switch had been turned on, the great truth that God must have been wanting to teach me finally dawned on me: it was His business to mold First-Born Son's heart into what He wants it to be, not mine.

Somehow God was impressing upon me that He was the one Who created my son; I needed not bear the burden of shaping First-Born Son into what I thought was best for him. The ball was in God's court, so to speak.

I was so struck by what God was telling me, I wondered why I never realized it before! God was freeing me from a burden I had carried ever since First-Born Son turned five years old. I could let go of the disappointment and the frustration, the high expectations, the self-blame, the what ifs and what could have beens.

In a single moment, face to face with the possible death of this precious son of mine, God makes His presence felt. It's not that He was far and decided to draw near, no! He was there all along, I was simply too full of my own concerns to notice.


In His mercy, He lifts the veil and gives me a glimpse into His heart.

Of course it did make sense. If He was my God, if I called Him my God, then wasn't He God over all other concerns of my life as well? Surely He was God over my children, and He was God over my first-born son.


I expected his condition to improve the following day, but it did not. I even heard the doctor muttering to himself, "Hmm, I don't like what is happening...." But after my encounter with God, it did not matter much to me at that point. I came to appreciate my son anew, in spite of all that he had been. That night, I asked him to lie down beside me, being careful with his IV tubes and all, and I hugged him as tightly as I could. If God would choose to take him from me, I felt that the precious lesson learned in that single moment would be worth all that it could cost me. "You know what is best, Lord. My son belongs to You," I found myself saying.



We were discharged from the hospital five days later. I had gone through something like what Abraham experienced after he offered that ram on one of the mountains of Moriah. I got my son back, but only after I was willing to lose him, and I discovered I was the richer for it.

God, the Provider knows how to deal with me in my weakness, He knows exactly when to reveal Himself to me. Knowing the depth of my misery and helplessness, He chooses, just at the right moment, to step in with His healing hand. And He healed my heart.

Homesick

This journal entry is a beautiful reminder to me that whatever season I find myself in, I must be about my Father's business.

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Journal Entry
Dateline: Chiang Mai, Thailand; January 18, 2008

Patuma Plantation in Chiang Mai, Thailand

Photo credit: Melissa Agustin

A few months before 2007 ended, Ernie and I arrived in Chiang Mai to fulfill a one year work contract with Maejo University, an agricultural state university located in northern Thailand. Ernie accepted the position in early August, and by month’s end, he had packed his bags and boarded his flight. I was to follow him a month later.

Everything happened so fast. Indeed it was a sudden move, and a major one at that.

But I can’t say that I wasn’t prepared for it.

One early morning in March or April of 2007, during a devotional time with the Lord, a thought cut across my consciousness and I received the impression that a big change was coming into my life after September 15 of this year. I was to prepare for a new assignment.

Little did I know that it would involve leaving behind my children, my friends and loved ones, my home, my culture, my homeland, my comfort zone. It would mean leaving my immediate plans midstream, and setting aside projects long before they were completed. It wasn't an easy assignment to accept, but it was a step of obedience that I needed to take.

Ernie had already been here a month when I arrived, and for that I am thankful. When he met me at the Chiang Mai International Airport , it was a much-awaited reunion for us. And when we reached the university flat that was to be our home while we were here, it felt like a homecoming of sorts.

However, in a real sense, my being in this new country allowed me to experience what it means to be a citizen of another country living as a foreigner in a strange land. There are very many things that my Father has been teaching me about this, first hand.


My mindset is that we will only be here a year, so we make sure that we never buy anything we don’t need. After Ernie's bad experience of paying a huge amount for excess baggage upon checking in for his flight from Manila to Bangkok, we both wanted to be sure that we will not have any excess baggage to pay for when we go back. So far, we have only bought a small stove, a small rice-cooker, one reading lamp, and one lounging chair for our living room. For the kitchen, one frying pan, a sauce pan, 4 dinner plates, a few spoons and forks were all that we needed. Just the basics and the essentials, all of which we can leave behind when it is time for us to go.


There are many things that cannot really be expressed in words. But the long and the short of it is that in the few months that we have been here, we have already adjusted to a simple, uncomplicated and uncluttered lifestyle.

And I really find myself enjoying this kind of life.

Once again, I have entered a new season of living in a higher dimension. Somehow, being here has helped me look at life here on earth from a different perspective. Often I am reminded that I am not a citizen of this world, I am a citizen of another Kingdom. Seeing how the Thai people love and revere their king, I have come to love and revere my King in a deeper way. It is often tempting to buy many beautiful things here, but when I think of how difficult it will be to transport them as the maximum baggage allowance I’m entitled to is only 20 kilos... never mind. I tell myself that I have more than enough, and I am content with what I already have.

In the past few years, I have become increasingly aware that I am here on earth to fulfill a kingdom purpose. Nevertheless, a part of me is also often focused on my problems and life issues, and working toward finding solutions for them. I must admit that for the most part of my life, I have also focused on realizing a number of my life goals and dreams.

But even before my coming to Thailand, God had already begun speaking to me about my real Kingdom purpose. Life isn’t really about me, what Oswarld Chambers calls “self-realization” or “self-consciousness.” It has been a delightful experience finding out that this life is really only about one thing: and that is God-realization, a moving closer to the God dreams that God has deposited in me.

Being far removed from the usual activities that filled my time while I was still in the Philippines, I now understand this more clearly. My life on earth has real meaning if I align myself with the plans and purposes that my Father has for me.

I once heard my heavenly Father ask me, “Is your life only about having your dreams fulfilled about your home, your children, your career, your ministries, your relationships, your plans for your present as well as for your future? Is your life only meaningful if you have your problems solved?”

I was struck by these questions. For the obvious answer was that finding resolutions to my life issues did not always mean being drawn closer to the heart of God. On the contrary, it was quite possible that the two were moving in opposite directions!

Ever since that realization, I have been given understanding as to why Jesus, at 12 years old, knew that He had to be about His father’s business while He was on earth.

And so, time and again, I have been asking God to give me this kind of heart – where my life is not about me... but about Him. About His kingdom reign. About His Kingdom authority.


It is very beautiful here, the people kind and friendly, and the food so delicious and amazingly cheap... nevertheless our longing for home never leaves our hearts. We do our daily work heartily, but we often find ourselves thinking of home.

Yes, being here has often made me homesick... homesick for my home, homesick for my loved ones, homesick for my own language and culture. Homesick for the familiar and warm comfort of my own homeland.

This country is not my home, this world is not my home.

Fellow citizens of heaven, this world is not our home. Nothing in this world will completely satisfy or fulfill. Deep inside each one of us is a sadness that this world cannot heal.

It is a kind of heavenly homesickness... a longing to walk in kingdom authority, a longing to be about our Father’s business. A longing to do that for which we have been created. A longing to build his Kingdom, not our own. And ... it is a longing for our true home, Heaven.

View from Doi Inthanon, Chiang Mai

I once read somewhere that when we reach Heaven, it will not be a strange place for us, we will not feel like we’re entering it for the first time. It will be like ... coming home.