The Measure of a Life

By Lilias Trotter

Measure thy life by loss and not by gain

Not by the wine drunk but by the wine poured out,

For love's strength standeth in love's sacrifice,

And he that suffereth most, hath most to give.

- Ugo Bassi

Then Jesus said to his disciples,

"If anyone desires to come after Me,

let him deny Himself, and take up His cross,

and follow Me. For whoever desires to save his life

will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake

will find it. For what profit is it to a man

if he gains the whole world, and loses his own soul?

Or what will a man give

in exchange for his soul?"

Matthew 16:24-26

Tomorrow is my 56th birthday. I really wanted to wait until tomorrow before writing this post. But tomorrow is going to be a busy day, and I don't want to be hurried as I write my birthday post.

If I really had my way, I would spend my 56th birthday in a quiet way. Alone.

First I'll wake up early and thank God for creating me. Then, I'll go to a cafe and have my favorite coffee and doughnut breakfast... I'll probably treat myself to Starbucks. Then I'll let the day go by as usual, and not tell anybody it's my birthday. I want to savor my birthday without anybody, except God and me, remembering it or treating me special.

I just want to enjoy my day and keep it to myself. That's what I really want.

But I've already invited a few friends over for breakfast to mark the event, then at lunch, First Born and Cathy are having their son Matthew dedicated in a special ceremony. Special friends and loved ones will then join our family in a special lunch at a cozy restaurant in a hotel. In the evening, the university where I work will hold the first of its series of three graduation ceremonies.

Nevertheless, I know I can keep the first plan of waking up early and thanking God, my Maker, for creating me. For making me special. For putting in beautiful details, for thinking of everything. For holding me close to His heart. For loving me. That will surely be the best part of my birthday.

Somehow, I know this year is going to be different, compared to the other birthdays I've had in the past. God's helping me bring a closure to a chapter in my life... and look forward to the living out of the new chapter that has actually been written already.

I don't know how to explain this. All I will say is that I know that this year is going to be a kind of UNFOLDING for me.

I really love that word - unfolding.

It is a beautiful picture of a flower, the petals slowly unfold as the rays of the early sun touch them.

Or a butterfly, slowly unfolding its wings as it comes out of its cocoon.

Or the pages of my favorite book, unfolding as I read.

This new year, my life will unfold before my eyes, and I will reach greater heights that I've never experienced before.

From glory, to greater glory. From grace, to greater grace... God's goodness will unfold before my very eyes.

And this awareness fills my heart with a sense of quiet excitement.

On this my birthday blog, I have decided that I will share my testimony. My story has changed several times through the years as some details are added, or as a new understanding of a past event brings something to light. There are several versions, but mostly the story line remains the same.

Dear reader, as you read the story of how God came into my life, may it bless your heart, encourage you, cause you to hunger and long to know the very God who created you. May you be given a deep desire to come close to Him, and discover more of Him, and in doing so, realize that He has a beautiful plan for your life.

----

Guam, March 6, 2009

My Testimony

In just two more weeks, we will be celebrating Easter, the day Jesus rose from the dead.

I was just a twenty-year old college student, thirty-four years ago, when Jesus became alive in me, but it has taken all those years to make me understand what that Resurrection life really means.

When you are young, full of plans and eager anticipation for what lies ahead, it is easy to be intellectual about your Christianity. My new-found faith was something I believed in, but it was safely tucked in one corner of my head. I gave it mental assent, but allowed it to touch only the peripheries of my life.

As the story of my life was unfolding I thought I was the one writing it. And of course, you don't start out a life and plan to fail. You put in all the lovely details. Like excellence. Discipline. Ideal relationships. Well-ordered finances. A good reputation. Unquestionable church commitment. A well-respected life.

I was 36 and in the prime of my youth when I discovered that Someone Else, and not me, was holding the pen and writing the story. God, the author of my life story, so engineered the circumstances surrounding me because He has something infinitely better in store for me.

And so adversity came not as a one-time strike, but in bundles. Financial disaster. Broken relationships. False accusations. Loss of reputation. Betrayal. Sickness. A shattered dream. And, death.

I don't want to go into specifics anymore for I have told my story many times before. Suffice it to say that in the midst of it all, I felt so awful there were mornings I'd wake up and not recognize the face looking back at me in the mirror.

God seemed to delight in removing all the props out from under my feet. I felt like I was standing before a great abyss and I was always only one step from falling into it.

This major crisis of my life went on for years yet much of it was a lonely battle fought inside my heart. Until one night, in the midst of very strange circumstances, I found myself face to face with God.

"What do you want?" He seemed to be asking me.

In the past I had always prayed, "Lord, restore our finances, restore my relationships, vindicate us, restore my good name... give me back my life!"

That night, face to face with the Author of my life story, I realized I no longer cared about the answers to my many questions. I no longer cared about the solutions I had been seeking for. All I wanted was God alone.

"What is it that you want?" God asked me again.

And I found myself crying out to Him, "I don't want anything else, Lord. I don't need anything; all I want is You. You're all I want."

A soon as I said those words, I knew that I had finally taken that last step and I fell into the deep abyss that had been before me. All along I had been so scared of falling to rock bottom. But that night, I finally had my experience of "free fall."

Not clutching at anything, not grasping at any security blanket, but just freely falling, letting go, and discovering that as I reached bedrock, the Author of my life was there. God met me at that rock bottom point of my need.

That was the turning point of my life...when I stopped looking for answers and remedies, and simply allowed God to take over.

I was being led through the way of brokenness and humility.

As long as I was in control of my life, depending on self-protective mechanisms to safeguard my interests, God's life could not break forth in me.

But God was saying, "Let go, my child, allow yourself to be as broken bread and poured out wine for My sake."

My life today is not as neat and as well-ordered as it once was. I've even recently lost the security of having a husband to physically lean on...to grow old with.

But that's okay. I'm getting used to not being in control, and allowing the Holy Spirit to teach me how to dance to the "unforced rhythms of life."

How freeing, how liberating, how exciting, to live this way!

The German poet Rainer Maria Rilke once wrote:

Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves.

I know God loves "happy" endings, His way, not mine. And I know He has already written it down in His book,

In Your book they all were written,

the days fashioned for me,

when as yet there were none of them.

Psalm 139:16

And together with the apostle Paul, on my 56th birthday, I declare all things as loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ as Lord... that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection.

Lord, here is my life. It's Yours.

You're all I want... You're all I ever needed.

Michael Smith's Draw Me Close to You

Michael Smith's Breathe