You're Lookin' Into My Heart

The first Sunday of Advent...

photo source





Arise, shine;
For your light has come!
And the glory of the LORD is risen upon you.

For behold, the darkness shall cover the earth,
And deep darkness the people;
But the LORD will arise over you,
And His glory will be seen upon you.

- Isaiah 60:1-2

Today is the last day of November.

December is at the threshold, waiting to come in one second after November leaves.

Obedient One returned to Manila very early this morning. Worshiper drove her to the airport. It was only 4:00 a.m. when they left, so it was still dark. I wanted to sleep for at least one more hour. I turned off the AC and opened the French doors in my bedroom that lead to a lanai, a small screened sun room where I sometimes eat my breakfast. The dawn air was cool and crisp.

But I wasn't sleepy anymore. I just savored the gentle breeze that was quietly flowing through the open door. After a while, the morning songbird was at my bedroom window with its familiar wake up call.

It was 5 a.m.

And now the day has come to an end.

It has been a long day... and I'm just about ready to sleep, but I don't want to miss the opportunity to say good-bye to November, a very significant month for me. It is good to write a few parting words, my way of expressing thanks to God for all that November 2010 has brought my way.

I found a YouTube version of Michael Smith's Heart of Worship with such beautiful photographs in it. And I've been listening to it over and over again for the past hour.

As I write these words, my heart feels weepy.

The words of the song touch a sensitive chord in my heart.

I'm coming back to the heart of worship...and it's all about You, it's all about You, Jesus...

I'm sorry Lord for the thing I made it, when it's all about You...it's all about You.

I'll bring You more than a song...

You're lookin' into my heart...you're lookin' my heart...

I'll bring You more than a song...


The way Michael Smith sings it is so soulful, and the accompaniment is not loud or obtrusive - just a simple guitar and an electronic organ...the drums are also subtle...everything blends into a beautiful worship song...


It's easy to be caught up in the nitty-gritty things of each day. And lose sight of what really matters.

Last Sunday was the first Sunday of Advent. It was a special event, for it signals the start of a new liturgical calendar...

But it just went by without me remembering.

Tonight as I listened to the song, something in my heart tells me to mark the event, to take notice, and give it importance.

Advent means "arrival" - and I know that the first Sunday of Advent ushers in the beautiful season of Christmas.

When I was still in gradeschool, we would have an Advent wreath on a low table at the corner of our classroom. There were four candles on it, and I remember how we would light one candle of Advent on Monday morning while our teacher, a Belgian nun, sang:

O come, O come Emmanuel...and ransom captive Israel.
That mourns in lonely exile here...until the Son of God appear
Rejoice, rejoice! Emmanuel shall come to thee O Israel.

I hardly understood what the words meant...but it was all so solemn, and so special...

Ever since I graduated from High School I have not celebrated Advent, this beautiful season that leads to Christmas...

But tonight, there's a stirring in my heart, and I remember how I felt as a child each time an Advent candle would be lit...

I want to acknowledge the longing I feel, an eager anticipation of something sacred, that which goes beyond the daily ordinary routine of my life...

As I listen to the simple words of the song, I feel a hunger and an intense desire to come before my King...to offer Him something that's of worth...

I hunger to bring him more than a song...more than the beautiful thoughts I have put into words...my lofty and noble intentions....my fervent prayers...the acts of kindness I have done...

I'm longing to offer him something that's of worth...

My heart is so moved by the words of this song...

You search much deeper within...through the way things appear... You're lookin' into my heart!

Indeed how easy it is to be caught up in the mundane, and the ordinary...

But God looks beyond the externals, beneath the surface...

Tonight as there are only a few minutes left of this month, I thank Him for the opportunity to truly worship Him. I offer to Him my whole life, with all its joys and successes...pains and sorrows...disappointments and triumphs...even the hidden resentments that I am often not willing to admit or acknowledge...I offer them all to Him, lay them at His feet...

I want to empty my heart of encumbrances, and hindrances...

Who may ascend the mountain of the LORD?
Who may stand in his holy place?
The one who has clean hands and a pure heart,
who does not trust in an idol
or swear by a false god.

- Psalm 24:3-4

I want God's light to shine upon my path, that I may look at my life in light of eternity.

And welcome Him to look inside my heart.


This is a season of preparation...remembering the coming of Jesus into this world, and looking forward to His second coming...

Advent is a time of preparation, of soul-searching, of looking within.


My Prayer:

Father, as November ends, I celebrate the Advent season and all that it stands for.

It is a season of waiting for your purposes to be fulfilled. A season of preparation.

Clean my heart...prepare it for Your glory, Lord... let there be nothing hidden there that will grieve You.

This first week of Advent, I welcome You anew into my heart, dear Lord...

prepare my heart to hear the new things that You want to say, and for the new things you want to do through me...

Help me as I seek to offer You true worship... not what I think You have required... but what I know you want - my whole heart.


Dear friends, I invite you to watch this video...for a beautiful time of worship... as we celebrate the first week of Advent.


Heart of Worship

I'm Being Stalked: Encouragement

photo source

Taking an interest in what others are thinking and doing is often a much more powerful form of encouragement than praise.

- Robert Martin

Each day there is always something to be thankful for.

Before closing my eyes to sleep at night, I try to make a mental list of things to thank God for. No matter how the past twenty-four hours have been, doing this helps me bring closure to this one day on a positive note.

This is the day that the Lord has made...I will rejoice and be glad in it!

Well, indeed tonight there are many things I am thanking God for.

One of them is an unexpected encouragement that I received from a new blog friend, the author of The Redhead Riter blog.


Every Saturday, Red highlights one blog and invites her readers to "stalk" it, stating the reasons why she thinks it is a blog worth stalking. She even picks some of the entries she has read and puts a link to them, making it easy for her readers to check them out. She also posts some pictures from the featured blog.

For this week, she chose my blog Crown of Beauty as the featured blog on what she calls the Saturday Stalker.


To see snapshots of my own life - words I have written and pictures from my own camera - featured on another blog always gives my blog heart a boost. It gives me a message that someone out there is reading... listening... interested...and above all, cares.

I landed on Red's blog about a week ago after reading that my friend Mary Leigh of Blue Cotton Memory was her featured blog for the week. What I saw on The Redhead Riter's blog amazed me. She has put in very many interesting things there, truly a big investment of her time and effort. She has organized her topics into seven main categories... so that there really is something there for everyone!

A post she wrote about hope touched my heart, and led me to leave a comment after reading it.

As it turned out, that comment was the one encouragement she needed for that day...and the rest is history.

It no longer surprises me how God our heavenly Father opens up divine connections in our lives, and he has His own way of choosing how to bring that about.

Blogging has been a tremendous help to me these past two years of my life. It has helped me plow through the ground of my heart, exposing and bringing to the surface issues and feelings that could easily remain hidden underneath. There is something about words - spoken and written, that helps build connections between hearts.

The blog world has been God's way of bringing into my life other travelers on the same life journey that we are in.

Thank you very much Redhead Riter for being God's instrument to bless and encourage my heart today.

New Life

New Life

photo source








Birth is the sudden opening of a window,
through which you look out upon a stupendous prospect.
For what has happened?
A miracle.
You have exchanged nothing for the possibility of everything.

- William MacNeile Dixon

Andre Elijah was finally discharged from the hospital last Wednesday. His last chest x-ray and blood test results showed that all infections have cleared up and he is well enough to go home.

This newborn baby, whom I have named Full of Hope and Mighty Warrior was in hospital for a total of eleven days.

Our family celebrated this special event by getting together for apple pie and vanilla ice cream on Wednesday night.

We are also looking forward to the visit of my daughter, Obedient One, who arrives from Manila early tomorrow. She will be with us this weekend to personally welcome her new nephew into this world.

I want to thank all of you my dear blog friends who have shared this journey with us, and prayed for the baby's complete healing and recovery. Your prayers have reached the heart of God, and have given us strength and hope!

I'm sharing some pictures of this week's events:

Baby Andre Elijah's first smile
Day 8, November 21, 2010

Finally... sleeping peacefully in his own bed at home
Day 11, November 24, 2010

Yummy apple pie - to celebrate Full of Hope's coming home from hospital

Asleep in his mother's arms after a bath
Day 12, November 25, 2010

I took this photo of the setting moon at 5:00 a.m.
on Ernie's death anniversary
November 23, 2010

A mid-morning visit to Ernie's grave on his second death anniversary

Chosen One, God-given. First Born, Me and Forerunner at the memorial park

November 23, 2010

Worshiper and Chosen One

Flowers at Ernie's grave

Eight stones that we left at the grave on Ernie's death anniversary
Six big ones for me, my daughter, my two sons and their wives, and two small ones for my two grandsons




May you never forget what is worth remembering,
nor ever remember what is best forgotten.

- Irish Blessing quotes

Give Me This Mountain

Mount Hebron in Israel




As yet I am strong this day
as on the day that Moses sent me,
just as my strength was then,
so now is my strength for war,
both for going out and for coming in.

Now therefore, give me this mountain
of which the Lord spoke in that day...

Joshua 14:11,12

Two years ago today, at this very hour, I was at the emergency room of the Bacolod Doctor's Hospital, standing beside the lifeless body of my husband Ernie.

His earthly life ended at around 4:27 a.m. of November 23, 2008... the exact moment that his eternal life began.

I know that Ernie's life never really stopped, he only began living in another dimension. The timeless dimension called eternity.

And today, I believe, without a shadow of doubt, that my husband lives in that place called Heaven, that eternal dwelling place where God reigns as King, where He said he will wipe every tear from our eyes, where there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying...where there shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away. Revelation 21:4

This thought is my comfort and my hope.

This is what has enabled me to grieve his passing away with dignity.

This is what strengthened me and sustained me during the lonely days and nights of life without the warmth of his presence...of going through my days without the comfort of his love.

This was my light and my warmth when I realized that life without him was like traveling a dark lonely road on a cold night.

The list could go on... many more things I could write on how God sustained me during the past two years of my life.

Yes, nothing will ever change the truth of what I believe. My husband's death has never caused me to despair... but instead, his death has given me inspiration... a reason to go on living!

God has done that for me - inspired me, and encouraged me, and strengthened me.

At a time when I need a sense of direction, and an anchor to keep me from drifting off to high seas, God gives me the strong assurance that heaven is real.



These are the thoughts that fill my heart on this morning as I remember my husband's death.

The past weeks I have been meditating on Joshua 14:11-12, Genesis 22:2, and Hebrews 11:8... just letting these words of the Bible sink deep into my heart, waiting expectantly as God fills my cup with His thoughts and with the things that He wants to reveal to me.

By faith Abraham obeyed when he was called to go out to the place which he would receive as an inheritance. And he went out, not knowing where he was going. Hebrews 11:8

Then He said, “Take now your son, your only son Isaac, whom you love, and go to the land of Moriah, and offer him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains of which I shall tell you.” Genesis 22:2

The unquestioning obedience of Abraham when asked to leave his country...or to offer his only son.

In both instances God has rewarded him, more than what he could ask or imagine, but he did not know that at the outset of his faith journey.

He just responds in faith...and obeys!

In my own life, it seems that God has been continually extending the divine invitation for me to go all out with Him - to get out of my comfort zone, to give up what I hold dear in my life...to go up higher.

It is so easy to get into new comfort zones.

But before I know it, the cloud is moving again, and the time has come for me to pull up my tent pegs, to fold up the canvas, and follow the cloud.

I sense it very much in my heart these days.

Give me this mountain, Caleb asked Joshua at the time when they had fought battles together, and both of them had been unwavering in their faith. Of the twelve spies sent to survey the land of Canaan, only these two men came back with a heart full of faith that they will be able to conquer the land.

Their years in the wilderness had refined them, stripped them of non-essentials, strengthened their faith.

And now, Caleb is asking for more.

Give me this mountain as my inheritance.

It is striking to note that the mountain he was asking for was occupied by the Anakim, the giants of the land. He was looking for more territory to conquer. That is what he was asking for.

I am stumped by these men and their life of faith.

Abraham went up to the mountain of Moriah, knowing full well that his son Isaac was being required of him as a sacrifice.

It was a test of his faith.

There is something about mountains that tests the quality of a man's faith.

Abraham climbed his mountain.

Caleb asked for his mountain.

It was in his old age that Caleb fought his glorious battles.

And Hebron therefore became the inheritance of Caleb...because he wholly followed the Lord God of Israel.

This quote from David Wilkerson strikes me hard, brings tears to my eyes...because this is the very desire of my heart!

The message is glorious: It is not enough to have died to sin—to have entered fullness sometime in the past. The need is to grow in the Lord to the end! To keep your spiritual power and strength without wavering. To "wholly follow the Lord" even in old age!

Hebron—Caleb's inheritance—means a company associated!

Associated with what? With death! Not only the death to sin in Jordan, but living in a place of death. Living with those who are associated with the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ!

"Give me this mountain," Caleb had prayed. In other words, "Give me this walk of death to self!" It was here that Abraham had built an altar to sacrifice his son and it was here that Caleb and his tribe would live, constantly associated with that altar of living sacrifice.

Caleb's wholeheartedness for the Lord produced a holy fire for God in his children. While the children of the two and a half tribes turned away and embraced the world and its idolatry, Caleb's family grew stronger in the Lord!

God’s desire for all of us is that we enter a place of rest, joy and peace in the Holy Ghost. That requires following him “with all thy heart…and with all thy strength” to the very end (Mark 12:30).

David Wilkerson

I have often told myself that I really am done with comfort zones...but this commitment just needs to be lived out in a new season, and in a new phase of the faith journey.

I am asking God for fresh grace to yield to Him...fresh oil for my lamp as I face the journey ahead.

On this day that we commemorate the second anniversary of my husband's homegoing, I am rejoicing for the new season I am in. For what his death has allowed me to become.

Recently God has spoken to me that the year 2011 is a year of promotion for me. So be it Lord. He is grooming me, preparing me, training me.

Heaven is my goal, but earth is my training ground.

He is giving me new mountains to climb.



Debbie of Heart Choices posted this song God On the Mountain on her blog. It ministered so much to me as I listened to it.

The message of the song is a bit different from the message of my blog - because this song implies that life is easy and good up on the mountain... but difficult down in the valley. Nevertheless I loved the song for its simple message, and the refreshing way in which it was sung.

I look at mountains in a different way.

I have always been a mountain person, not a beach person. In my understanding, mountains are beautiful and provide perspective...but most times they represent difficulty, obstacles. They can be admired from afar. But I think that to appreciate a mountain's true value, it needs to be climbed, conquered, and won!

Like Caleb, I say to God...

Give me this mountain. That also means, Father, give me the kind of faith that I need for the journey ahead. Prepare me for the promotion that You have for me.



God on the Mountain

Hand to the Plow

Pflügen im Frühjahr (Plowing in the Spring)
oil on canvas by Aksel Waldemar Johannessen

photo source






No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for the kingdom of God.
- Luke 9:62

In more ways than one, this week was a difficult one for our family.

We had all looked forward to the day of Andre Elijah's birth. Practically all the preparations for his arrival had been made.

However, Saturday, November 13th turned out differently from what we all expected. Instead of a natural childbirth, Chosen One had to undergo an emergency C-section because the baby's life was at risk.

A few hours after the baby's birth, it was discovered that he had neonatal pneumonia. A blood infection was also discovered after his blood was tested. Jaundice set in three days later.

The baby was given oxygen, three kinds of antibiotics administered round the clock through an IV drip, and placed under a phototherapy lamp to drain the excess bilirubin from his skin. Feeding was done through a throat tube.

Chosen One was allowed to go home on Tuesday afternoon, but her baby had to remain in the natal intensive care unit.


Understandably, my son Worshiper was discouraged.

A few days before my grandson was born, I had inquired of the Lord what spiritual name to give the baby. Full of Hope was the name that rose up in my heart.

When Worshiper told me on Tuesday morning that he was really discouraged, I could not blame him. But neither could I allow the enemy access into my son's heart when he was most vulnerable.

Worshiper was the spiritual head over his wife and child. The choice was his to make.

He was at a fork in the road, and it was a crucial moment for him.

This was once my baby, but now he was no longer Mama's little boy, he has become a man - a husband...a father. It was a new role for him, and I know just how much he wanted to do his best. My heart went out to him.

But he had some important lessons to learn.

Years ago I have realized that this son of mine had a Levite anointing for worship. At age 14, he was already a keyboardist on our church's worship team. He really had a gift for music, and the heart of a worshiper.

An important role in God's kingdom, an important position in the end time army of God.

It was easy to be sidetracked by personal concerns. To give allegiance to and bow before the altar of a lesser god.

But my children are grown ups now; they are responsible for their own choices.

The best I can do at this point is to continually lift them up before God's throne... and keep praying that they make eternal, not temporal, choices.

I knew that as a mother who had battled against enemy attack many times before, I needed to defend my son against the enemy's lies. I quickly sent this text message to Worshiper:

The choice is yours to make, my son...

Reverse your spiritual stand, and let faith and hope arise in your heart.

This is spiritual warfare, and I admonish you to take your position against the enemy.


Discouragement is always an attractive option that the enemy loves to dangle before our eyes. But it is the opposite of hope; hope and discouragement can never co-exist.

The moment discouragement sets in, hope has to leave.

Discouragement is always the easy way out. It is more difficult to trust.


As I sent that message I asked God to anoint my words... drive them deep into Worshiper's heart and use them to encourage him ... rebuild courage, rebuild trust.

Worshiper was at the point where I have been many times before. I'm 57 and he's half my age. Surely he could learn a few things from me.


But... was I not afraid?


Honestly, I was.


But I knew that my covenant was with the God of life, not with the kingdom of darkness. And I chose to hold on to God.

I've been this road before. He has proven Himself to be Faithful and Reliable. But I also knew that we never remain at the same level of faith. He is always calling us to go up higher.

What do you want my son to learn, Lord?

What do you want me to learn?

The gentle voice of my Father answered the question of my heart:

No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for the kingdom of God.

On Tuesday night, during a prayer for Lito and Pamela, a couple who is part of our global ministry team, God spoke these prophetic words in my heart: Because you have chosen Me and not yourselves, watch what I will do through you.

As I released the words to them, I had such a strong sense that He was asking me to make the same choice...again.

The invitation is often extended because it is so easy to forget that I am a citizen of the kingdom of heaven...it is so easy to turn back.

The lesson was for my son, yes...but it was also for me.

I have put my hand to the plow, I will look ahead and keep plowing. There is no turning back.



A pastor once said that we are for the most part products of the low expectation school of discipleship.

That hit me.

To live as a kingdom person means that I give it my best shot. I run the race to win... not holding anything back...

Kingdom living is indeed an investment...like the merchant who sells everything he owns to purchase the pearl of great price.

Except that the king does not want my money.

He is after my heart.

Having put your hand to the plow, there is no looking back.

The trials, the disappointments, the failed expectations ... these are all part of the training course for the kingdom of heaven.

There is no easier way.

But a bountiful harvest awaits those who will not look back, give up, or grow weary in the fight.

Father, thank you for teaching me the faith lesson that my heart needs to learn. That You are a God who is completely trustworthy. That I do not need to protect my interests...by demanding that things turn out as I want them to. That there are times when You require me to yield, to put my heart on the altar...offer it to You. To go where it is not always safe...or easy ... or comfortable.



Today is Full of Hope's last day in hospital. Worshiper and Chosen One have been visiting their baby three times a day and the baby is being held by his mother up to two hours each visit. He is also breastfeeding very well.

He will finally be discharged tomorrow, Saturday, a week after he was born.

I agree with the comment of Stephanie, author of Truthsharer blog, this baby is a Mighty Warrior.

Thank you my dear friends who have journeyed with us in this season of learning to trust God at a higher level. Please continue to storm heaven's gates for us.

Day 3 - November 16, 2010

Day 3 - November 16, 2010

Can't take his eyes off his mother.
Day 4 - November 17, 2010

Day 5 - November 18, 2010

Update November 20, 2010, 4:00 p.m. :

Full of Hope was not discharged today. He is still under observation for three more days. The new date for his release is Wednesday, November 24. We continue to praise God in everything, even in this new development.


These songs are for Worshiper and Chosen One:


He Who Began a Good Work

Don't Grow Weary

Full of Hope

photo source





As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.
As the rain and the snow
come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.
You will go out in joy
and be led forth in peace;
the mountains and hills
will burst into song before you,
and all the trees of the field
will clap their hands.

-Isaiah 55:9-12

Chosen One gave birth by Caesarian section last night.

The doctor decided to perform the operation after hours of dry labor, as the baby showed signs of distress.

We welcomed Andre Elijah, my second grandson, into this world at exactly 7:31 p.m. on November 13, 2010.

He had to be resuscitated, and was immediately placed in an incubator and given oxygen.

Early this morning, at about 1:30 a.m., the baby's pediatrician informed us that the baby's respiratory rate was very fast. Pneumonia is suspected. A chest x-ray will be done if rate doesn't improve. Signs of infection was seen in the blood test, so the baby is also being given anti-biotics.

I have named this baby Full of Hope, and my hope is built on nothing less than the solid rock on which I stand!

Last night as my friend Trudi and I prayed for this baby, this word was impressed upon my heart, I do all things well.

My faith declaration:
Yes... faith arises in my heart my dear Father. My heart is full of hope...for You are the God who does all things well.

Dear friends, please stand and pray with us as we believe for a mighty and glorious display of God's glory.

Full of Hope
taken at 7:43 p.m. last night, 12 minutes after he was born

Update:
A chest x-ray was taken and it is confirmed that the baby has pneumonia. Three kinds of antibiotics are being administered through an IV drip. In addition to his pediatrician, we have also availed of the services of a neonatal specialist to help in the medical management of his condition. As of 4 p.m. today, the baby's respiratory rate has dropped from 90 to 70 per minute, which is a marked improvement. He was also taken out of the incubator, although he is still in the natal Intensive Care unit.

Beginning tomorrow, Chosen One will be strong enough to be wheeled to the Nursery where she will be able to hold her baby and begin breastfeeding him. I agree with Dr. Diane Nandwani, our very sweet pediatrician, this is the healing touch and human connection that will speed up the healing process. Chosen One will also speak words of affirmation over her son. Please continue to pray for Full of Hope's speedy recovery and complete healing.

Freedom to Be

After a night of gentle rain, I went to my garden and took this shot of my asparagus napoleon.








It is not revolutions and upheavals
That clear the road to new and better days,
But revelations, lavishness and torments
Of someone's soul, inspired and ablaze.

- from After the Storm by Boris Pasternak

This is my first official post for November, although on my last post I had already shared some of the feelings that this month evokes in me.


On November 1, our extended family gathered for breakfast at the memorial park. Our extended family includes Ernie's sisters, nieces, nephews, and their respective families.

All Saints' Day, as we call it, is a special feast we observe to remember our loved ones who have already departed from this life. Many go to the cemeteries and memorial parks to light a candle, bring flowers, and to pray for the eternal repose of their dead loved ones. It is also often an occasion for family gatherings around food, stories, and...laughter.

In our case, we do not pray for those who have gone before us. We believe that the choice of one's eternal destination is made while we are still alive. So, there really is no need to offer prayers for their eternal rest. My husband, my mother in law, and father in law all made the choice long before they died, to honor Jesus as their Lord, and for this, the promise of heaven is sure. We already know where they went when their earthly lives ended.

So, when we pray, it is to thank the Father for their lives, their good examples, the legacy they have left behind. We want to remember.

November 2 was Ernie's birthday. He would have been 64. We celebrated the day by eating lunch at Ernie's favorite restaurant, Bob's. He would always have a giant hamburger and chicken mami, a tasty soup with noodles, shredded chicken, and chopped spring onions. On this day, Ernie's oldest nephew Vince and his wife Rhea joined us. We really had a wonderful time together.

November 5 was Worshiper's 28th birthday. Worshiper is my second son. We marked this special event by having a mid morning meal at another favorite restaurant - Bob's Cafe and Deli.

In just a few days, Worshiper's wife, Chosen One, will give birth to their first born. We are all awaiting this day with eager expectation.

Gentle and humble November... this in-between month, coming right after sun-drenched summer and quiet winter... but for our family, it has turned out to be a very special season. Full of beautiful memories, and now the promise of new life.

I love how Boris Pasternak puts it: it's not the revolutions and upheavals that clear the road to new and better days but revelations... of someone's soul, inspired and ablaze.

Russian authors have always been at the top of my favorites - Chekov, Solzhenitsyn, Brodsky, Dostoevsky... they are able to put the bittersweet human experience into words. And in these lines, Pasternak couldn't have expressed it more beautifully. It is the revelations of someone's soul that clear the road.

A blog friend, Rebecca of Life and Godliness asked me,

I wonder if the months since Ernie died have gone slowly or fast - or BOTH? Your grief is still fresh in many ways. Be patient with yourself.

Her question made me think. And I guess it is to be expected that the months have gone quickly, in a sense... but they also moved slowly at times. Rebecca has a heart of insight. She doesn't say much, but she understands. And just by reading between the lines I have written, she has sensed that the grief is still fresh in many ways.

The amazing thing that strikes me after thinking about what she wrote is that I have truly been very patient with myself. Too patient, it seems. I still have not landed myself the job that I want to do, although being the breadwinner for myself now, I should be seriously looking into this. After all, it's nearly two years already.

If there is anything these past two years has shown me, it's this: my life has not really followed a clear path...

I was reading Bong's blog this morning where he wrote about his experience of a solitary run that he did a few days ago. I was able to identify with what he wrote. These past 24 months I have been on a solitary run, not following a specific course, but going off on different trails and discovering so much freedom and beauty in the process.

Someone's soul...inspired, and ablaze.

That is how I see myself. Never did I feel during the past months that my life has ceased to have meaning or hope. Ernie was a vital part of me, but I did not die with him. That much was clear to me. Something beautiful came to an end, and a huge part of me still misses the warmth of our relationship, the beauty of his person, the kindness of his heart... never to be found again in any other person... But my life did not end when he died.

On the contrary, there was a sense of newness, a deep well of hope inside my heart that I became increasingly aware of in the days and weeks after his homegoing.

I remember clearly writing in one blog post - I don't want to keep talking about it...to draw attention to myself... But in expressing how I feel, I know the ground is being cleared up... I want to find that sense of direction, that path... and keep walking.

I am on my solitary run - and at the moment, the direction is not crystal clear.

There is a road ahead but many trails beckon, calling out to me... and this is to me a season of discovering who I really am, and what I really want.


It is worth mentioning that a number of my fellow blog authors have also helped clear the way.

Some friends of mine don't understand what blogging is all about. They think it's not worth the risk... saying so much on the web.

In a way, they are right. But I don't want to blog about mere surface issues. What's the point of doing that? It would just be a waste of time for me if I did that. I believe that if you have a message burning on your heart, then it's a message that needs to be released, and shared. It is a risk worth taking.

And truth be said, I'm the one who has been enriched by those who, like me, have decided to take the risk. I have discovered that blog authors who have willingly shared of their insights and revelations have helped clear the road for new and better days ahead. Certain blogs are like fountains of water to a traveler...trees providing cool shade... a roadside bench looking over a lovely valley... a mountain spring... a hillside of flowers... a table with freshly baked bread and a jug of fresh milk... a cup of coffee or tea...always inviting, always welcoming.


As the days and the weeks of this month move on, I am looking forward to another grandson. His name is Elijah...but in my heart he already has another name... he is Full of Hope. For he comes at a season when God is pouring so much hope into my life.


These days I am not driven by schedules, or must-dos.

I have been patient, much too patient with myself... but I've been enjoying this season of my life. Just taking it easy. Not having too many demands upon myself.

What has helped me the most is to have people around me who understand...and who have given me breathing space, a broad place on which to stand.

Thank you....thank you for giving me the freedom to be. I am truly grateful. The love you have shown has been a crucial part of my healing journey. I cannot express it any other way. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

(I will be posting some pictures for this entry later tonight.)

Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.

- Proverbs 3:5-6

Dawn sky, taken from the pre-departure lounge of the Bacolod airport, a few minutes before I boarded my flight to Manila
October 27, 2010