Thanksgiving and A Room Called Remember

 

My Stargazer lily about to bloom

(taken on November 23, 2009, Ernie's first year in heaven)

Bless the Lord, O my soul,

And forget not all His benefits:

Who forgives all your iniquities,

Who heals all your diseases,

Who redeems your life from destruction,

Who crowns you with lovingkindness and tender mercies,

Who satisfies your mouth with good things,

So that you youth is renewed like the eagle's.

- Psalm 103:2-5

I borrow the title of this post from Frederick Buechner's book by the same title. In that book, he wrote:

... there is a deeper need yet, I think, and that is the need--not all the time, surely, but from time to time--to enter that still room within us all where the past lives on as part of the present, where the dead are alive again, where we are most alive ourselves to turning and to where our journeys have brought us. The name of the room is Remember--the room where with patience, with charity, with quietness of heart, we remember consciously to remember the lives we have lived. Frederick Buechner, A Room Called Remember: Uncollected Pieces

How beautifully written! And yes, how true!

But I do not exactly wish to go back and live in the past seasons of my life. Not only is it impossible, the past for me represents a season of accomplishment, of learning, and of growth. 

It is because of the past seasons that I am what I am today.

But from time to time, as Buechner writes, it is good to remember what the past was like.

November for me, since my husband passed away fourteen years ago, is inevitably a month of remembering. It is Ernie's birth month, and it is also the month that God called him home.

There are times when I do enter that room called Remember, and my heart is filled with nostalgia.

I remember my childhood years, with me and my sister and our parents sitting around the Christmas tree on Christmas morning, opening gifts, and a breakfast table laden with hot chocolate, bread, butter, ham, fruit cocktail salad, homemade meat loaf, and many other goodies.

I remember my years as a young mother of three children, also on Christmas morning, also sitting on the floor beside the Christmas tree, me, Ernie and our three children, opening gifts, and then a late breakfast of hot chocolate, bread, butter, fruit salad, ham... 

Other beautiful memories come floating in. Christmas eve dinner together with Ernie's family. Easter sunrise service at a nearby stadium. Family vacations in Baguio City. A well-tended garden. Young couples' weekly Bible studies with dear friends from church. Among the precious memories that I cherish are the 18 years I spent as principal of the Christian Academy of Bacolod.

In a previous post, I called those years my "snag-free, carefree," years. 

For sure there were troubles, but when I look back to those years, trouble is not in the picture, only smiles.

Fast forward to today. I leave the room called Remember and enter the front room called Present Reality.

My husband is no longer around. My two sons are married and have lives of their own. My only daughter lives in a city far from me.

A number of dear friends have also gone home to heaven.

Beneath the surface are my ongoing internal battles which only a few close friends know about.

Indeed, life today is so different from what it used to be.

There are splashes of joy in between. Family lunch and dinner together with my children and grandchildren. Sleeping over at my son's home and having a Lord of the Rings movie night or playing Tetris with my grandchildren. 

But sitting in my front room also means coming to terms with these more recent painful events.

Three years ago, death revisited our family and claimed another life, that of my fifth grandchild two weeks after she was born.

Then early this year, the pandemic knocked at our door. My second son Worshiper and his whole family got hit. Eventually all of them recovered, or so we thought. Just when it looked like he was on the mend, he woke up one morning and he was not his usual self. He had to be rushed to the hospital where he stayed for a week for a battery of tests, including a spinal tap. It turns out that he had developed a viral complication that affected his central nervous system. It was a long journey to recovery.

In the middle of it all, God called him to move his family out of this city to another city down south of our province. They now live about a hundred kilometers away, two hours by car. That meant we could no longer have impromptu family times as easily as before.

While second son was recovering, my daughter in law Chosen One was the strong one. She manned the fort, so to speak. For sure it wasn't a walk in the park, but she never wavered. God gave her the strength she needed.

Then just last month, the biopsy result confirmed our worst fears. Chosen One was diagnosed with cancer.  She has begun with the treatment, and we are all encouraged by what the doctor said, "It's treatable."

We are all in this together; nevertheless each one of us in the family is also fighting his own battle.

It is another long journey, and only God knows how it will end.

This world is not our home, therefore, this earthly life offers no guarantees that we can hold on to.

Through all the ups and downs of my life, there has only been one constant in the equation: God.

God has proven Himself to be the only guarantee that we can hold on to.

I can never overlook the fact 

- that God is good, and His mercies never end,

- that in all things He works together for the good of those who love Him,

- that the plans He has for us are meant to give us a future and a hope,

- that nothing can separate us from His love.

We all have our places of comfort, where everything is working just the way we want it. But such spots are few and far between.

Sooner or later, sometimes in just a split second, we are called out of our comfort zones, and we find ourselves in the wilderness.

The natural reaction is fear, or doubt, or blaming God.

When I turned the ownership of my life back to Jesus 49 years ago, I gradually understood that I no longer called the shots, God did. Thus began the process of living a life that was being transformed from glory to glory.

I remember the earlier years when life was "good," but I never lose sight of the fact that God reserves the best wine for the last. In Revelation 21:5 we read, He who sat on the throne said, "Behold, I make all things new."  This only means that the life we live is in a state of flux, it is constantly changing. As a Christ follower, I am constantly being made new. 

And, needless to say, this includes my whole life. 

In the wilderness, the Israelites lived in tents and they always watched for the cloud of God. When the cloud began to move, they had to fold up their tents and follow where the cloud was going.

They could not drive their stakes too deep, because life in the wilderness was one big transition process. 

Where were they headed? They were going to the Promised Land.

And that is the very picture I never want to forget.

I am in the wilderness, and I must never drive my tent pegs too deep. Because when the cloud moves, I have to be ready. 

Live life with open hands, ready to let go, ready to move on. That is the precious lesson I have learned through all these years.

The Israelites probably did not understand the process, because the Bible says they were a stiff-necked generation, and were always complaining, grumbling, and murmuring.

What a sad picture! I certainly do not want to be like that. 

Abba Father time and again teaches us the best response, for our own good. 

Thanksgiving.

Just today, a friend wrote this on his timeline: 

Jesus gave thanks before the miracle. Thanksgiving is an expression of joy. Our joy comes not from what we have but from who He is, and giving thanks opens our eyes to see more of Him. The prophet Habakkuk also struggled to see God's provision in his life. Finally he surrendered and chose to rejoice. He chose to give thanks when there was nothing, trusting God for the something. 

When all is said and done, we will always find ourselves in a not enough situation. No matter how good life may be, there will always be a morning when we wake up and suddenly realize that life is not good. We find ourselves in a seeming dead-end, or rock-bottom. 

This is Reality.

It is the stuff that this earthly life is made of.

Because in all the uncertainties of life, the purpose of God is to draw us to Himself and get to know Him the way He wants to be known. He alone is the Solid Rock, the unshakable foundation, the Unchanging One.

For many years, I have not experienced true joy because I was connecting joy with my life running smoothly. 

I am learning to thank God for the questions that have not yet been answered, the not enough situations in my life. As one author so beautifully puts it, 

Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer. - Rainer Maria Rilke

Thanking God, so it has been said, is proactive, not reactive.

To be proactive is to own your decisions and actions, regardless of the situation you may be in. You are determined and committed to follow a course of action you have chosen. To be reactive is precisely that: you are simply reacting to someone else's ideas and decisions.

So, at the end of the day, I let this verse be my guiding light:

For I know whom I have believed

and am persuaded that He is able to keep

what I have committed to Him until that Day.

2 Timothy 1:12

While we are on this earth, life is full of uncertainties. But I have no doubt that what the Bible has promised is true:

Whoever believes on Him will not be put to shame.

- Romans 10:11

Indeed, none who wait for You shall be put to shame.

- Psalm 25:3

God is ready to send the latter rains , the rains just before harvest, to ensure that there will be an abundant crop. Indeed, the best years of my life are not behind me, they are ahead of me!

I close with these words written by my favorite author:

The God of Recompense

 

image source

Strengthen the weak hands 

 And make firm the feeble knees. 

 Say to those who are fearful-hearted, 

 "Be strong, do not fear! 

 Behold your God will come with vengeance, 

 With the recompense of God; 

 He will come and save you." 

- Isaiah 35:10  

So I will restore to you the years 

that the swarming locust has eaten,

The crawling locust,

The consuming locust,

And the chewing locust,

My great army which I sent among you. 

You shall eat in plenty and be satisfied,

And praise the name of the LORD your God,

Who has dealt wondrously with you;

And My people shall never be put to shame.

Then you shall know that I am in the midst of Israel;

I am the LORD your God

And there is no other.

My people shall never be put to shame.

- Joel 2:25-27

Do not fear, little flock, 

for it is your Father's good pleasure

to give you the kingdom.

-Luke 12:32

On September 16, I wrote this in my blog post, 

I am entering a new season. I'm turning over a new leaf.

It is interesting to note that the “leaf” in this phrase does not refer to the leaf on a tree, but rather the pages in a book. In the 16th century the pages of a book were referred to as leaves. The allusion to turning over to a blank page and starting over has been used since the 1500s. Even though it has not always meant “change for the better” it has always meant that you are starting over. When you turn to a new, clean page you are leaving the past behind you and starting over.

Four days after I wrote that entry, I received word about a very important development. That this happens just when I was firm in my resolve to turn over a new leaf, specifically to pursue my relationship with God at a deeper level, only means I was on the right track. 

But the news has so taken me aback that it brought me scampering back inside a familiar dark corner that I call Camp Fear. Although my mind tells me that nothing takes God by surprise... that Father knows the times and seasons of my circumstances... that I can trust Him, my heart tells me a different story.

So I look back at my life, remembering how safe and secure I felt during my childhood and young adult years. And how my parents raised me and my sister with genuine love, nurture, and utmost care.  At no moment did I ever feel abandoned or unwelcome.   

The early years of my marriage continued on this same note: my husband Ernie lovingly cared for me and our children. For my part, I also gave Ernie and our children the best loving care a wife and mother could possibly give. 

I believe my parents' commitment and loyalty to one another and to us their daughters provided the secure environment that shaped the confidence I had, both in myself and in the world...that whatever life threw at me, I was capable and well-equipped to handle. It also prepared me to turn the reins of my life over to God in a life-changing encounter with Him during my freshman year at the UP.

Certainly life was not fairy tale perfect, but generally speaking, I remember those chapters in my life as  my "snag-free", carefree, comfort zone years. 

Somewhere along the way, circumstances changed; the road we walked on became rocky and we found ourselves sailing on turbulent waters. 

The year was 1989.  After about a decade of a comfortable married life, Ernie and I reached rock bottom in our finances. I never saw it coming. For the first time in my entire life of 36 years I found myself in a very strange place.

One thing led to another, and today, as a widow of fourteen years, I am still facing some consequences of choices made during that eventful year.

I was not aware of what was really going on then. Being the mother of three young children and the principal of our church school at the same time required my full attention. Completely trusting my husband, I never doubted his integrity and wisdom. In that my heart is secure, even up to today.

I have always said that faith is the underlying theme of my life story. And faith requires that I put my trust in no one else but Him alone.

It is therefore understandable that God will remove anything and anyone that would take His place on the throne of my heart. 

The financial woes... my father's death... my husband's death... the list goes on.

In 2018, my best friend Melanie passed away. This was a huge blow to me, but at hindsight, I recognize it as God's way of removing major props in my life.

In 2020, William Su, the national coordinator of Family Foundations International-Philasia, unexpectedly died due to the pandemic.  This was a blow so severe to us in a beloved ministry we have served together since 2001. Again, I see it now as God's way of dismantling yet another pillar of security in my life.

In 2021, three more lives of close friends were claimed by the pandemic, but the most painful was the death of Lyndon, our well-respected Bible teacher for the past twenty years or so. He was a prophetic voice in the wilderness, a modern day John the Baptist. His death came as a major blow to all of us who looked up to his anointed teaching about intimacy with God, and 24/7 prayer and intercession, the end-time bridal heart preparation for the return of our King.

I never prayed as hard as when I asked God to miraculously heal Melanie, William, John, Manolo, and Lyndon. But God chose to answer my prayer His way, not my way.  

One cannot help but feel so orphaned and lost in the midst of so many props being taken out one after the other. Talk about leaving the comfort zone big time. But in God's wisdom, this was the only way that my faith could be strengthened. Faith grows not in our places of comfort and security but in uncharted territories, where we are in the dark and there's just enough light for the next step.

An eagle pushes its young out of the nest when it is time for them to use their wings and fly. The gardener mercilessly prunes the grapevines to ensure fresh growth and abundant fruit come harvest season. The goldsmith refines gold in the crucible, turning up the heat to 450° to 750° C (840° to 1,380° F) to allow the dross to rise to the surface where they can be easily removed.

In the same way, everything in life is being used by God as an opportunity to build and purify our faith. 

Such is the case in a major battle I have been fighting these past years, a battle that is not even of my doing.

For someone in her autumn years, I keep thinking that I deserve better.

But then again, do we really deserve anything? From what I understand, I was a sinner on her way to hell when Christ in His compassion died the death that should have been mine. And in doing so, He paid the price that I might spend eternity in heaven!

That settles once and for all any right to the kind of life I think I deserve.

Promises that have remained unfulfilled is no longer the issue for me. Years ago, Abba Father spoke to me about letting go of these promises, and instead, trusting Him alone as the Promise Keeper. 

Yet life has gone on very much like a spiritual roller coaster ride. There are good days, and there are not-so-good days. To be honest, for many years I have lived with fear and uncertainty hanging like the sword of Damocles above my head. I have also struggled with a joyless heart, thinking that joy will come when there are no more unresolved issues in my life.

I am grateful for the personal breakthroughs and victories as seasons have come and gone, but on the whole, I have not really been satisfied with the quality of my spiritual life these past years.  My heart hungers for something more.

I feel I have not done enough; my devotional life leaves much to be desired. Sometimes it feels like I am in danger of falling back into a religion of works, demanding of me to successfully jump through a series of spiritual hoops.  

And so my faith journey continues. 

After much soul-searching. I realized that being thrust out of my places of security and comfort is actually a blessing because only then can God begin to fulfill His purposes for me.

In the midst of all these, my heart rests secure in the truth that God is the Author of my life story. Not a single line is out of place in my story. Every comma, every period has its place, for it is God Himself holding the pen. He knows exactly when one chapter ends and when another begins.

Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed,

And in Your book they all were written,

The days fashioned for me,

When as yet there were none of them.

- Psalm 139:16

What strikes me about this Bible passage is the tense of the verbs.

In Your book they all were written, the days fashioned for me...

The story has been written already. In God's book the story is finished, although I am still living out the adventure here on earth. 

That, to me, is simply mind-blowing.

Abba Father has never given up on me.  If my heart is looking for something more, it must be an inner response to a divine invitation to draw near. 

Yes, He calls me time and time again. And in His still small voice, whispers, All I want is your heart, not your performance.

"The season has changed, the bondage of your barren winter has ended, and the season of hiding is over and gone," Abba Father gently speaks to me. 

It has happened countless times. As the truths I fully understand in my mind reach my heart, alignment takes place and God moves me up to the next level of our relationship.

Today, with the Hebrew month of Tishrei having just begun, and Yom Teruah (Feast of Trumpets) and Rosh Hashanah just ended, I have received a prophetic word from God that speaks truth and brings light to the hidden recesses of my heart.

With Rosh Hashanah, we entered the year 5783 in the Hebrew calendar. 

I want to briefly touch on the meaning of the number 3 in the Hebrew alphabet. 

Each of the 22 letters in the Aleph-Bet corresponds to a number, a picture, and an action. The number 3 stands for gimel, and its pictograph resembles both a foot and a person walking in the direction of the left. 

Gimel is derived from the Hebrew root word gemul, which means "justified repayment."

The word gimel is also associated with the Hebrew word gamal which means camel.  Camels are able to journey and survive in arid desert places. In such places of lack they are used as reliable means of transportation. Camels are the perfect animals for this because they carry extra water and food in their hump. They are well-prepared for seasons of drought and lack.

Two words have spoken powerfully to me in this new season: recompense, and provision.

For the  n^th  time, I am moving out of the dark dungeons of Camp Fear, and moving into the wide open fields of God's perfect love.

There is no fear in love; 

but perfect love casts out fear, 

because fear involves torment. 

But he who fears has not been made perfect in love. 

- 1 John 4:18

My operative word in this season is "wait." Waiting involves faith, and faith involves trust. I used to think those two words meant the same thing. But as I spent some time thinking about it, I realized that there is a subtle difference. Hebrews 11:1 says, 

Faith is the substance of things hoped for, 

the evidence of things not seen. 

Faith is believing in something that is not tangible. Faith is a mental assent. Trust, on the other hand, is an action that shows you believe. And waiting is part and parcel of that trust. Romans 8:25 says, 

But if we hope for what we do not yet see, we wait for it patiently. 

Long story short, if I have faith that God is going to do something, then trust requires that I wait for it to happen. Trust is external, faith is internal.

In this season of waiting and trusting, I am believing that what seems to be a delay in human terms is a divine opportunity in God's timeline. Bob Sorge calls it, " strategic delay." Waiting serves a divine purpose: it keeps me from being complacent, trusting in my own abilities. God wants me dependent on him alone.

God never leaves us to fend for ourselves, no matter what circumstances we may find ourselves in.  Whether or not we sense or experience the reality of His presence, the truth doesn't change: He cares, He watches over us, He is standing by, and He never leaves or forsakes us.

I must not forget, the story has been written, and the ending is glorious. 

In this new season, I choose to rest in God's perfect love.

One of the names of God is Jehovah El Gemuwal, LORD God of Recompense.

He is the God who will fight the battle for me, and the God who says, "Vengeance is Mine, I will repay."

There is nothing more that I can say. He is the God who holds the seasons of my life in His hands. There is no other god in my life; He alone sits on the throne of my heart.

I desire to walk close by Him in this new season, and to rest in His perfect love.

I desire to live out the story He has written of my life, listen to His voice alone, and silence all the other accusing voices in my life that only bring confusion.

This song is my response:

Let My Life Be Worship (source)

(This is a brand new single by United States Gospel Music Group

BETHEL Music and Jenn Johnson featuring Michaela Gentile)

This moment is holy 

And I hear You calling 

I turn my face towards You 

And my heart is open 

You’re always pursuing 

And my life surrendering 

You have my affection 

So let my life be worship 

And let my heart stay true 

May my love never grow cold 

May it burn forevermore 

May my life be worship to You

 OOh OOh OOh 

In blessing, in sorrow,

In the ordinary 

Whatever the cost is

You’re always worthy 

My heart’s cry 

And my whole life 

Is for Your glory 

You have my attention 

So let my life be worship 

Let my heart stay true 

May my love never grow cold 

May it burn forevermore 

Let my life be worship to You 

 OOh OOh OOh OOh OOh OOh OOh OOh OOh 

So let it be, 

Let it be worship 

You’re the only One, 

Only One worth it 

Nothing is like You, 

There’s no one beside You

Only You’re worthy, 

You’re worthy

 

So let it be, 

Let it be worship 

You’re the only One, 

Only One worth it 

Nothing is like You, 

There is no one beside You 

Only You’re worthy, 

You’re worthy... 

So let my life be worship 

Let my heart stay true...

So let my life be worship 

Let my heart stay true 

May my love never grow cold 

May it burn forevermore 

Let my life be worship to You 

In everything

In everything

Dishes piled high in the kitchen sink

Let it be worship

Oh you meet me in the ordinary

When I'm feeling weak

When I'm feeling tired

You find me and it's worship

You're the only One worth it

Only You are worthy...

Let my life be like a love song...

To Everything There's a Season

 

It has been more than six months since I updated this blog.

As always, to do so has often been at the back of my mind, but the usual reason prevailed: to wait for a more opportune time to do it.

And when will that opportune time ever come? That is the million dollar question.

Well, finally I had the push to open this blog again, at 3 o'clock in the morning. 

This will not be a full post, just an introduction to the new season I am in.

That's right, I am entering a new season.

I'm turning over a new leaf.

The prophet Habakkuk says,

Write the vision

And make it plain on tablets,

That he may run who reads it.

For the vision is yet for an appointed time;

But at the end it will speak, and it will not lie.

Though it tarries, wait for it;

Because it will surely come,

It will not tarry.

The context of that passage refers to something else, however, I believe that it is also a vision that God is giving me. To write it and to make it plain is to give life to it, like speaking it into existence. 

I am quite excited to see how everything will turn out.

According to the website Learn English Idioms, to turn over a new leaf means:

- to alter your behavior in a positive way 

- to start fresh 

- to change course 

- to start afresh 

- to change track 

It is interesting to note that the “leaf” in this phrase does not refer to the leaf on a tree, but rather the pages in a book. 

In the 16th century the pages of a book were referred to as leaves. The allusion to turning over to a blank page and starting over has been used since the 1500s. Even though it has not always meant “change for the better” it has always meant that you are starting over. When you turn to a new, clean page you are leaving the past behind you and starting over. (Source) 

My motivation for this has been confirmed by these words from Song of Songs 2:11-13, and I quote:

The season has changed, the bondage of your barren winter has ended, and the season of hiding is over and gone. The rains have soaked the earth and left it bright with blossoming flowers. The season for singing and pruning the vines has arrived. I hear the cooing of doves in our land, filling the air with songs to awaken you and guide you forth. 

Can you not discern this new day of destiny breaking forth around you? The early signs of my purposes and plans are bursting forth. The budding vines of new life are now blooming everywhere. The fragrance of their flowers whispers, “There is change in the air.” Arise, my love, my beautiful companion, and run with me to the higher place. For now is the time to arise and come away with me.

So watch this space for my next update. There will definitely be more to come.

It's a new season, and I'm so looking forward to all that Abba Father has in store. 

The Writing of A Story 2022

photo source

Measure thy life by loss and not by gain 

Not by the wine drunk but by the wine poured out, 

For love's strength standeth in love's sacrifice, 

And he that suffereth most, hath most to give. 

- Ugo Bassi

 

 

March 27, 2022. Today I celebrate my sixty-ninth birthday.

 

Many yesteryears ago, as an eighteen year-old girl fresh out of high school, I had absolutely no idea what being 69 would be like. Spring was calling, there was no time to think about growing old.

 

Spring

On the threshold of youthful idealism, my heart was filled with rosy dreams of a bright tomorrow.

1971

Fifty plus years later, I have gained a totally different perspective.

When one is young, full of plans and eager anticipation for what lies ahead, it is easy to be intellectual about many things.

The story of my life was in the making and I wanted to be sure all the elements of a good story were in place.

 Characters, plot, themes.

 And of course, you don't start out a life and plan to fail.

 You put in all the lovely details.

 Like excellence. Discipline. Ideal relationships. 

Well-ordered finances. A good reputation. Unquestionable church commitment. 

A well-respected life.

 

And for a while it worked.

 

I had a good husband, a beautiful family, and a comfortable life.

We pursued our dreams.

 

We basked in the glory of our achievements.

 

I was in my mid-thirties, in the prime of my youth, when I discovered that Someone Else, not me, was holding the pen and writing the story.

The real Author of my life story had so engineered the circumstances surrounding me because He had something infinitely better in store.

 

Given my way, I would never have allowed such sub-plots and unexpected twists to enter the picture. But at that point, there was not much I could do.

 

Adversity came not as a one-time strike, but in bundles.

 

Financial disaster. Broken relationships. False accusations.

 

Loss of reputation. Betrayal. Sickness. 

 

Legal battles. Shattered dreams. And, death.

 

I will not go into specifics anymore for my story has been told many times before. Suffice it to say that in the midst of it all, I felt so awful there were mornings I'd wake up and not recognize the face staring back at me in the mirror.

 

To someone who had been used to being in control, these circumstances were unimaginable.  It seemed like I was standing before a great abyss, always only one step away from falling into it.

 

This major crisis of my life went on for years, yet much of it was a lonely battle fought inside my heart.

 

Until one night, I found myself face to face with God.

 

"What do you want?" He asked. His voice, gentle.

 

Many times in the past I had always prayed, "Lord, restore our finances, restore my relationships, vindicate us, restore my good name... give me back my life!"

 

That night, face to face with the Author of my life story, my priorities were re-arranged.

 

I suddenly realized I no longer cared about the answers to my many questions.

 

I no longer cared about the solutions I had been seeking.

 

All I wanted was God alone.

 

"What is it that you want?" God gently asked me again.

 

And I found myself crying out to Him, "My Father, I don't want anything else… I don't need anything; all I want is You, Lord. You're all I want."

 

As soon as I uttered those words, I knew that I had finally taken that last step. I fell into the deep abyss that had been before me.

All along I had been so scared of falling to rock bottom. But that night, I finally had my experience of "free fall."

 

Not clutching at anything, not grasping at any security blanket, but just freely falling, letting go, and discovering that as I reached bedrock, my Creator, my Redeemer, the Author of my story, was there. God met me at that rock bottom point of my need.

 

That was the turning point of my life...when I stopped looking for answers and remedies, and simply allowed God to take over.

 

“You are safe in Me… trust Me,” He whispered.

 

That really was the best thing I ever did. In trusting Him with all of my heart, I was led through the way of brokenness and humility.

 

As long as I was in control of my life, depending on self-protective mechanisms to safeguard my interests, God's life could not break forth in me.

 

In effect, God was saying, "Let go, My child; allow yourself to be as broken bread and poured out wine for your sake."

 

For my sake!

 

God knew what I did not: I needed to be rescued from myself.

 

And there was no other way to do it except through the painful path that He took me.

 

Summer

I entered the summer season of my life adjusting to a new normal, my life no longer as neat and as well-ordered as it once was. 

2015

A few years ago I also lost the security of having a husband to physically lean on...to grow old with.

 

But that's okay. I have slowly gotten used to no longer being in control, and simply allowing the Holy Spirit to teach me how to dance to the "unforced rhythms of life."

 

How grateful I am for the opportunities to sow new seeds in time for the autumn harvest season.

 

And how freeing, how liberating, how exciting, to live this way!

 

The German poet Rainer Maria Rilke once wrote:

 

Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves.

 

I know God loves "happy" endings, His way, not mine. And I know He has already written it down in His book.

 

In Your book they all were written,

the days fashioned for me,

when as yet there were none of them.

- Psalm 139:16

 

 

Indeed, I am thankful for the years gone by.

 

But more than that, I am truly grateful for the battle scars I carry in my heart: healed wounds from the storms I have weathered, the rivers I have crossed, the mountains I have climbed.

 

And I look forward to what lies ahead.

 

Despite my chronological years, I don’t feel old. Not at all.

 

Age, it has often been said, is a state of mind. And I totally agree.

 

Autumn
I am now in the autumn season of my life, advancing in years, yet I sense my spirit to be growing younger, my real age being measured in terms of kairos, not chronos.

2021 

Both kairos and chronos are Greek words for “time.”  Somewhere along this faith journey, I have come to know the huge difference between the two.

 

Chronos refers to measurable time, as in hours, minutes, and seconds; a calendar of months and years. This is where the word “chronology” comes from.

 

Kairos, on the other hand, means “opportune moment,”  “appointed time,” or “due season.”

 

How much more meaningful life is when lived in terms of divine timing and seasons, instead of measuring it like the ominous ticking of a clock, or the marking off of days in a calendar.

 

With chronos, time is a cruel taskmaster.

With kairos, time is my friend and ally.

 

I want to enter the next level of my life with hope and vision, ready to conquer new territories and sail uncharted seas, not in fear and trepidation, but with a sense of expectancy, enthusiasm, and eagerness.

 

 So this is my story.

 

But it’s far from over.

 Virginia 2013

Somehow, each year is different, actually, better than the one before. God is teaching me to bring a closure to the past seasons in my life... glean precious lessons from them, even as I look forward to the unfolding of a new chapter, a story that has actually been written already. But like a script in a play, the lines are waiting to be spoken, and lived out.

I really love that word - unfolding.

 

It is a beautiful picture of a flower, the petals gently unfolding as the rays of the early sun touch them.

 

Or a butterfly, slowly unfolding its wings as it emerges out of its cocoon.

 

Or the pages of my favorite book, the story unfolding before me as I read the lines...

 

This year, my life will unfold before my eyes, and I will reach greater heights never experienced before.

 

From glory, to greater glory; from grace, to greater grace... the Father's goodness will unfold before my very eyes.

 

And this awareness fills my heart with a sense of quiet excitement.

 

Each new day, it seems, brings me to a new level of experiencing, knowing, and seeing.

 

Every sunset is an affirmation that rest, quiet, and renewal are on the way, and tomorrow is another day.

 

And I am aware of gentle stirrings deep within, a hunger and longing in my heart for the unsearchable, unfathomable, heretofore fenced in and hidden, things of my Creator’s heart.

 

There is a promise that awaits the hungry soul, anyone who seeks beauty and truth: we will not seek in vain.

 

Yes, this is my story... the unfolding of a hidden beauty, the beholding of a gem previously unnoticed, the revealing of a deeper truth never before understood.

 

My life as seen from this perspective is packed with depth and meaning.

 

Sorrow and joy, success and failure, achievement and disappointment… they form a lovely blend of colors in the hand of the Master.

 

This is my story…

 

I have no doubt, in heaven’s eyes, the tapestry of my life is a masterpiece.

 

Meanwhile, on this earthly side of eternity, there remain new and deeper levels of understanding waiting to be discovered.

 

My life is a diamond in the rough, its many facets being chiseled and polished, a necessary process of being made more beautiful.

 

In the Bible, the book that I have come to love so much, God says, “Behold I am making all things new.”

 

Behold.

 

Another beautiful word to describe my journey.

 

The Hebrew word for it is hineni, a heart response to the God who is always asking, “Where are you?”

 

And the answer He expects of me is not to point Him to my geographical position. In truth, the question is not about a physical location, but about a relationship... my relationship with Him.

 

“Where are you, in relation to Me?” my Heavenly Father asks.

 

This is my story. And this is who I have become: a woman living her life in answer to the penetrating question her Creator God is asking.

 

You see, I have long understood that although His is the unseen hand holding the pen, my life is not a product of mere chance or fate. He did not create me to be a robot, but an intelligent being capable of making wise choices.

 

I have a participative, interactive role in the writing of my story.

 

My obedience is key to how my story will end.

 

He has penned the chapters, but in between the lines there is an invitation for me to participate, to join Him in what He is doing.

 

He invites me to live my life as an open book before Him, and before others.

My life is no longer my own.

Brokenness and vulnerability are the ongoing themes of my life. But Father God is true to His promise that when we are willing to lose our lives, we truly gain it back, and in fuller measure.

These years I've experienced what it means to live daily with a sense of abundance and provision, an assurance of good things happening.

 

He offers me tremendous freedom to be a transparent vessel for His transforming, healing light to shine through.

 

For I know the plans I have for you, He says, plans for your welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

 

“Where are you in relation to Me?”

 

The question He asks is an invitation for me to be real… and to go deeper.

 

Thus, the answer to His searching question is not so much for Him as it is for me. And for you.

 

God is calling you and me out from where we are hiding, into the light of His presence.

 

And the only suitable answer to God's question is, Hineni. “Behold, here I am."

 

Hineni. Here I stand... before You.

 

Hineni. Here I am, ready to do as You want.

 

Hineni. Here I am; speak Lord, for I am ready to listen, and obey.

 

When I answer, Hineni, then I am in the right place before Him. My heart is empty, my hands are open to accept His gifts of grace. New truths can unfold before me. A fresh revelation of who I am and where I am going can be better appreciated. And I can arrive at a new level of understanding of what my true kingdom purpose is.

 

My life is not defined by this world’s standards. My identity is not shaped by what I have attained, or the value that others have assigned to me. Nor am I imprisoned by past failures, unfulfilled dreams, or unmet expectations.

 

Rather, I am free to view the past, present, and future events of my life from a redeemed perspective. There is a promise of restoration for the years the locust has eaten.  I can synchronize my steps to the rhythm of the song God is singing over me. Life gains a whole new meaning... and the future is mine for the taking!

 

With an eternal perspective, I can see clearly to choose which of the many battles confronting me are worth fighting, and which of the many roads before me is the one that leads to my desired eternal destination.

 

Winter
After autumn comes the winter. There is no escaping the changing of the seasons.

 

When the time comes for me to enter winter's door, I know spring is waiting to greet me.

 

What astounds me is the realization that my story never ends… 

 

Because eternity is forever!

 

And in that Land of Eternal Springtime, we are forever young!

For lo, the winter is past, the rain is over and gone.

The flowers appear on the earth; the time of singing has come,

And the voice of the turtledove is heard in our land.

- Song of Solomon 2:11, 12