Generosity: A Sanctuary of Beauty

Purple Flowers

by Rose Ann Hayes

(quote from Jeff Goins added)

image source

For as he thinks in his heart, so is he.

- Proverbs 23:7

A generous person will prosper;

whoever refreshes others will be refreshed.

-Proverbs 11:25

I write because I don't know what I think until I read what I say.  

-Flannery O'Connor

It's been over a month since I last posted an entry on this blog. Tonight I'm grateful for the opportunity to write another chapter to my life story. I've entitled it Generosity, the name I am giving the month of November as it comes to an end.

Looking back over the past weeks, I see the recurring pattern of generosity in the fabric of my life. Yet, woven between the threads are occasional strands of relational pain. For those contrasting strands, I choose to be thankful for they add texture to my existence. They prompt me to evaluate my relationships, and to make necessary adjustments. Forced out of my comfort zone, I can honestly assess the condition of my heart, check the filters through which I view my life, and listen to what God is saying.

A month ago I was given an opportunity to be part of another kingdom assignment. The past months I had been on many plane rides and airport layovers en route to and returning from ministry destinations. Thus my initial response was one of reluctance and hesitation. I asked, Am I really needed on this trip, Lord? 

Through my ministry leaders I received confirmation that I was indeed a vital part of this mission, and peace came. I realized that it was an invitation to join the Father in what He is doing. And when God extends a special invitation to join Him in His work, only a fool would say no.

Plans were not fully laid out right away, but in my heart was a quiet sense of trusting Abba Father for how things will work out. I was truly grateful to help fulfill a kingdom purpose in the lives God would entrust to us. 

Breakfast, October 24, 2016

"Heart Wide Open"

The Greek word patior comes to mind. That it should surface at the exact moment I needed it amazes me. One of the definitions of patior is "to allow" or "to submit." It also means "to undergo." It includes the sense of allowing other people to do things to you, in contrast to you deciding to do it yourself. 

In another sense, the word patior means "to be handed over."

I first heard about this beautiful word years ago, from a book by Henri Nouwen. Henri wrote that in the first three years of the public ministry of Jesus, He was a man of action. He taught, healed the sick, and went about His Father's business. But at the end of His life, He allowed things to be done to Him. He was fully God, yet He underwent Gethsemane as fully man, where He grappled with the reality of the Cross. 

In the end, He said yes to the Father.

Jesus ended His life in a state of being actively passive. The words passive and patience are derived from the Greek patior.

It is with this sense of being actively passive that I embarked on that assignment. I didn't know what lies ahead, but one thing was sure: destiny was unfolding before me, and my heart was ready. I could be relaxed about it, mostly because I was trusting God for the outcome.

Everything did fall into place in the end. Plans were made, not in the usual way that corporate plans are drawn and finalized, but in consideration of people's availability and time commitments. Flexibility was the name of the game, so to speak. And so the plans we came up with were rather open-ended. But it all worked out beautifully. People were willing to make sacrifices; there was commitment and cooperation.

I am quite passionate about what I do, but not in the sense of being intense or driven. I like the way Nouwen describes the word passion. He says passion is a kind of waiting - waiting for what other people are going to do. All action ends in passion because the response to our action is out of our hands.

At this point in my life, the passion with which I do the work I have been called to do is flowing out of a heart that rests and trusts in what God will do.

Looking at the time I spent in ministry, I can say that it was done with this sense of quiet passion.

Then something came up that really shook my world. 

I  write about it here because there are precious lessons to be gleaned, but mostly to verbalize the journey my heart took in response to what happened. 

I echo what Flannery O'Connors says: I write because I don't know what I think until I read what I say.

Writing my thoughts down helps bring clarity.

Someday I will look back at these days and understand the purpose for this important chapter in my life. Probably the greatest lesson I am taking away at the present moment is this: What was intended by the enemy to wound became a redemptive tool in the Father's hand to open the eyes of my heart.

It has been a long time since my world was shaken in that way. 

It was a case of the topical versus the relational level of communication, something that the enemy is good at messing up with.

On the topical level, my motives were pure, and my conscience was clear. But somewhere along the way, a lie was planted by the enemy, seeking to sow discord. The real motive for something I did was misunderstood, and out of that misunderstanding, wrong relational messages were exchanged.

I thought I was quite secure in my inner worth and true value. Yet, the enemy was subtle in his attack; my self-worth was shaken even in the midst of spiritual breakthroughs. 

But thanks to the grace of God He enabled me to carry on and attend to the needs of the moment.

I must be honest, though, and admit that I felt misunderstood, and misrepresented. Every part of me wanted to explain my side. But rather than defend myself, I tried to view things from the other person's point of view, bearing in mind one important lesson about relational conflicts, that one does not have to be wrong to repent. 

The way things turned out was not entirely my fault, nevertheless, I knew the mature response was to own my part in what happened, without passing any negative judgment. 

Where there has been relational miscommunication, one can help promote healing by taking a humble stance and asking for forgiveness for the wrong relational message that was conveyed.

I asked for forgiveness.

And I chose to release forgiveness.

I say this not to make myself look good.  Indeed it is so easy to give in to self-pity, and self-focus... when in truth, the Father is just waiting to point the way to a healing breakthrough.

So I asked God to help me walk in the opposite spirit. Having been a recipient of so much generosity throughout the past weeks, I didn't want to give room to offense. 

Instead, I wanted to give a wide place for honor, even though my own heart was still in pain.

On the plane ride back to the Philippines, there was a chunk of time to be alone with my thoughts, and I sensed the Father slowly begin downloading His healing into my own heart.

I realized that despite the full schedule of the past weeks, with ministry extending past midnight on most days, I did not feel tired or drained. On the contrary, I felt energized and revived.

I looked back at the sweetness of my relationship with my dear friends. We have all poured much investment into each other's lives, an investment that should not be put to waste.

When trust is broken, it is easy to give up and walk away.

Old wounds can sometimes re-open.

I realize that just as I have my own filters from which I view my life events, other people also have their own filters.

We all have our own areas of blindness.

And we all have unhealed wounds... triggers that connect to past wounding experiences... the subtle role of the enemy who is quick to whisper lies into our ears... 

Really, just about anything could go wrong as we journey through life.

That's understandable, since we are in a war. The enemy fights dirty. His goal is always to steal, to kill, and to destroy.

But Jesus came to give life, and give it abundantly.

I want to be a life-giver in my relationships. My mind is filled with accumulated spiritual knowledge. Of what use is that when they are not put to practice? Of what value are the words I speak to teach others, if I cannot walk my talk?

Why not choose to turn the other cheek, and walk the extra mile... in the opposite spirit? Why not choose to bless, even when my own heart is in need of healing? 

The Bible says that as far as it depends on me, to live at peace with everyone. (Romans 12:18) What better time to put that into practice than at this time? After all, we are in varying stages of maturity and growth.

The heart response I offer at this time could very well be the very response others have given me, without my knowing it. 

Slowly I picked up the pieces of my heart and allowed the Father to put them back together.  After all, He is the one who assigns my true worth.

I have chosen to remain quiet, no longer seeing a need to protect my position. Abba Father reminded me that as a lamb before its shearers is dumb, so Jesus opened not His mouth before His accusers.

Could I truly be like Jesus, without sounding self-righteous?

With His grace and help, I am walking in that direction. I can now look back at what happened without blameshifting or fault-finding. 

Yet, there are also practical steps to take.

There has been forgiveness, but the process of forgiving takes time, even as Jesus said that we may need to do it seventy times seven (Matthew 18:21-22). 

I'm doing the math. And applying it.

And I hear my heart speaking. In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. (Hebrews 12:4).

That just puts everything in perspective. Everything that we consider an injustice in our life pales in comparison with what was done to Jesus on the Cross.

Understandably, hearts are still bruised where the lies of the enemy were aimed like arrows. 

Since the only weapon against falsehood is truth, in this season, I am embracing Jesus Christ as the Way, the Truth, and the Life.

Jesus Christ as Truth brings cleansing, clarity, and freedom to my heart.

Jesus is also the Prince of Peace, giving me His Peace in the midst of my troubled waters.

It is a new season for me.

A season of giving honor a chance to do its work.

This is the season to step back, and to allow space and time for healing and restoration to take place, and for broken trust to be rebuilt.

From the same position of active passivity that I have been living my life this year, I continue to look at my relationships. 

I want to live life with a passion. 

Yet, not a passion of too much action, of trying to fix things, of getting issues resolved, of being in control over my circumstances, of making things happen... but passion in the sense of passionate waiting. Waiting for what God will do.

Abba Father reminds me that the battle is His, I only have to be still.

Maybe others will look at it as complacency. Or spiritualizing conflict, and pushing my real feelings under the rug.

For me, it is really the patior of undergoing, of submitting, and of giving permission.

It is keeping my heart open to the glorious possibilities that God has in store for those who wait. 

I hope there will come a time when I will be able to speak the truth in love. But even if it doesn't happen, my heart is on the road to peace. 

Meanwhile, I am thankful for the many opportunities for soul recharge that have been made available to me since I got back three weeks ago. As a friend from England said, I need to have a strong soul to carry me through the pain of this season. How soothing that advice was when I received it. My spirit is being fed with worship and close communion with God... but the soul also needs to be nourished.. with beauty... joy... laughter... and meaningful friendship.

How grateful I am for the generosity of the different people I have been with the past month. A dear friend from Manila wrote me an affirming letter; just what I needed at this time. An online British friend watered my soul with prophetic words from the Father's heart.  A Bible study leader, a dear friend as well, reminded me that the Lord is my Husband, my Protector, my Defender, my Shield and my sure Reward.

My Father God has been generous with His words, imparting to me my true identity. You are a faithful daughter, and I take delight in you. These were the words Abba Father spoke to me over and over again.

But the greatest generosity of all is the full payment that Jesus gave on the Cross for all the wrong things that people may do to me in this lifetime.

Yes, the Cross gives me an eternal perspective from which to view the events of the past weeks.

I am entering a season of rediscovering who I am. 

Of stepping back, evaluating, assessing, taking stock.

Of spending quality and quantity time in the Father's presence. Asking Him to reveal my heart, and His heart, to me.

Of asking God to show me where He is leading me, and what my next assignment is to be.

Of new kingdom strategies.

I sense that He is taking me out of this comfort zone, and leading me to new, uncharted territories and deeper waters.

No matter what the future holds, in this season, I want to offer  my heart as a sanctuary of beauty to an ugly world.

That quote by Jeff Goins sinks deep.

That is the kind of heart I want to have... in everything I do, and say.

And so, as November comes to an end in a few days, I am grateful for the generosity that has been given me.

I want to pay forward... and be generous, in return.

Generous in my intercession.

Generous in my praise and worship.

Generous in my faith, and in my hope.

Generous in my love.

Generous in my time, resources, and efforts.

Generous in my opinions and attitudes.

Generous in the way I view others.

Generous in my perspective of my life events.

To not withhold good when it is in my power to give it, but at the same time to be able to choose wisely.

I will choose my battles.

I will choose the thoughts that I entertain.

I will choose my words carefully.

I will choose the people I allow to speak into my life.

All these... because in everything I think, say and do, God desires that He alone be given the glory and the honor. May my love for Him be given precedence and top consideration in all the decisions I make.   

I shall ask into my shell only those friends 

with whom I can be completely honest.

- Anne Morrow Lindbergh

(Gift from the Sea)

  

Finding Grace in Brokenness

No Other Gods

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The LORD is near to the brokenhearted
and saves the crushed in spirit.
- Psalm 34:18




Come to Me,
all you who labor and are heavy laden,
and I will give you rest.
- Matthew 11:28




O LORD, You are the portion of my inheritance and my cup;
You maintain my lot.
The lines have fallen to me in pleasant places;
Yes, I have a good inheritance.
I will bless the LORD who has given me counsel;
My heart also instructs me in the night seasons.
I have set the LORD always before me;
Because He is at my right hand I shall not be moved.
Therefore my heart is glad,
and my glory rejoices;
my flesh also will rest in hope.
- Psalm 16:5-9

It's been three weeks since I got back from Manila.

After being away from my Bacolod home for so long, it should really feel so good and so comfortable to be sleeping once more in my own bed in my own bedroom.

It should.

But because of certain issues that have arisen over the past several months, it really no longer feels the same coming back to my home.

To be fair to the few readers who actually take time to read my blog, I will share a bit about what is going on. There are legal and financial technicalities involved. And although steps to remedy the situation are being done, the period of waiting for the final outcome leaves me in a kind of limbo, humanly speaking.

That is just being as honest as I can be, without going into specifics. 

And I am always careful to add the phrase, "humanly speaking," because I know very well that these things are not decided here on earth, they are decided in heaven. And I am also careful to say only the right words about the situation I am in, so that I do not activate a course of action contrary to what God intends. The Bible makes it clear, Death and life are in the power of the tongue (Proverbs 18:21). 

With my own words, I create my own reality, and give birth to my own environment.

After dealing off and on with the feelings of sadness and fear, I must admit that there has also been something like a sword of uncertainty hanging over my head these past months.

I now understand what going through this life as a sojourner really feels.

No longer can I fully enjoy my earthly life in a real sense. A vague inexplicable feeling of not belonging in this world has come over me. After all is said and done, I really do not own anything here on earth. I realize I am not entitled to a sense of earthly security and comfort.

Saying these things does not constitute a complaint on my part, just a statement of fact... how things are. Through the 63 years of my life, I have come to understand that the Father knows what is best for His children. Until I reach the point of acceptance and peace, however, there will be a struggle, what Henry Blackaby calls a crisis of belief.

God's invitation for you to work with Him

always leads you to a crisis of belief

that requires faith and action.

That is where I am.

Towards the last week of my stay in Manila, I developed a sinus infection that ended up being a nasty cough.

In response to a teaching by Rebecca Brown, my daughter Obedient One and I felt led to do a spiritual house cleaning. 

Before doing that, however, she and I knelt before God's presence to repent of anything we may have worshiped aside from Him. We searched our hearts, asking Father God to reveal things... or people... anything... that we may have unknowingly allowed to share the throne in our hearts that belongs to Him alone.

I was surprised to hear a gentle rebuke as I was waiting for the Lord to speak to me.

"You have made your fears your idols, My daughter."

That really made me stop and think.

It didn't take long to convince me. Yes, I was guilty. I knew how I had grieved my Abba Father's heart the past months. My mind had indeed been weighed down by the circumstances I have been facing... And although I had struggled to let go of my wrong responses, knowing what an affront that was to a holy God, deep within I knew that fear had continued to have a tight grip on a corner of my heart.

When I know I have done something to displease God, it doesn't take me long to acknowledge my wrongdoing, and I waste no time in repenting before Him.

Obedient One and I declared that we only have one King, the one true God, sitting on the throne of our hearts.

Then we went about the business of commanding the spirit of death to leave our home, and did a prophetic act of sealing off all the windows, doors, gates, and all other openings that could serve as access points to the kingdom of darkness - like vents, drains, mirrors, and electronic communication gadgets. We anointed them with oil, declared them cleansed and off limits to the demonic world.

We commanded all unholy spirits within our home to depart, and invited the presence of the Holy Spirit to fill our home. We welcomed the Spirit of Life, declaring that God alone is the King of our home and our hearts.

photo credit

Over the years that I have been ministering to wounded and broken hearts together with the Family Foundations International (FFI) ministry team, I have gained a better understanding of how the enemy operates. We cannot underestimate his devious ways and schemes.

However, we are always careful not to be impressed with the enemy. Instead, we stand in awe of Almighty God who alone is sovereign, and sits as King over all His creation.

I arrived in Bacolod on the evening of June 25... with nobody around to welcome me home except my three dogs.

It was a rainy evening. My ever efficient maid had prepared dinner, which was waiting for me on the dining room table. However, she works only during the day and was no longer around when I arrived. But the house was super clean, my bed and pillows had fresh linen on them, the bathroom was sweet smelling. 

Yes, I was very pleased.

B U T.

Again, there was that sword of uncertainty hanging above my head.

I believed it had been dealt with before I left Manila, yet I recognized that familiar emotion, a hazy feeling of fear of the unknown.

I ate my dinner of baked fish and stewed vegetables, took a warm shower, and got ready for bedtime.

The job of unpacking my suitcases will have to wait, I told myself.

Just then, a text message from my daughter in law God-given (who lived next door) came in. She had been diagnosed with pneumonia and was under medication.

Before sleeping I offered a prayer for her healing. 

The next day was a Sunday, but I awoke feeling lethargic and decided to stay home. At noon my two sons and their families and I had a family lunch at a restaurant. 

First Born and family went home right after lunch, but I joined Second born's family for coffee and cake at another restaurant.

 me and Joyful One, my third grandson

It did gladden my heart to be reconnected with my family. But I also realized that my being back in Bacolod was a continuation of my train ride.

Yes, my life is like a train ride with its many stops, transfers, and mini destinations.

And life moves on... Time will not stop for me to deal with whatever excess emotional baggage I was carrying. I must choose to be intentional, finding time, making time, to do it, bring it to the secret place of prayer, and wrestle with it there... until I reach the point of breakthrough, and come to a place of true rest.

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And indeed I was right. The week following my arrival in Bacolod I immediately picked up from where I left off, so to speak.

Monday night Bible study, Tuesday ministry team building lunch, Thursday noon devotional lunch with the Women of Purpose, Saturday morning dawn watch prayer.

On Tuesday afternoon, my friend Miriam and I had our weekly get-together.

That week I also decided to seek medical attention for the nasty cough.

On Friday, my FFI ministry team family had a special lunch meeting to discuss our forthcoming international trips.

my FFI family during July 1 lunch

On Saturday, after two weeks of not feeling well, I was relieved to wake up feeling healthy again. Praise Jehovah Rophe, my God who Heals, for my full recovery!

I had a late lunch with my dear friend Nening at her home. What a delight to hear her stories of answered prayer. And what a privilege it is to have journeyed with her through the different seasons of her life.

I had only been in Bacolod for one week, and already there was something lined up for each day of the week.

The train ride continued. The next day was again a Sunday, the start of a brand new week. Another set of plans waiting to be carried out.

I joined Worshiper and his family for church, followed by a family lunch at Ann Co's restaurant in Silay City.

The next day, I was invited by my friend Ruby to have lunch at their home.

At the Bible study that evening I was happy to be reconnected with my best friend Melanie whom I hadn't seen since the baby dedication of her granddaughter more than two months ago.

During the Bible lesson, I sensed God touching an area of my life that all along had been walled off. I felt the start of another spiritual breakthrough.


Tuesdays we have our weekly ministry team building lunch with the FFI family. We listened to Graham Cooke's excellent teaching on Reclaiming Your Inner Territory.

Graham's words hit the nail right on the head. When you know how to rest, you can receive under pressure, he said. There's a relentless pressure around us in the world, and peace at the very least, is an equalizing pressure on the inside. Peace is a pressure to the enemy. He can't handle it, he's not built for it anymore, because he left all of that behind when he fell to earth...

As I listened to the teaching, more parts of the wall around my heart came crumbling down. The Father was definitely speaking to a deep place in my heart about what I was going through.

But Monday night and Tuesday lunch were just stopovers.

The next train was waiting.

On Tuesday evening, my friend Babes and I went to Nening's house for dinner. It was a mini-reunion of sorts, for it has been more than two years since the three of us got together.

The following day was a rainy Wednesday but I pushed through with my plan to visit my friend Pat who was recuperating at her home after her bone surgery. We had a time of sharing, praying, and listening to a few worship songs.

From Pat's place I proceeded to Second Born's home where I had lunch and spent the rest of the afternoon playing with my grandsons. I read a few books to Full of Hope, after which he and I took a nap together.

For some reason, that day turned out to be so sweet and special. My son Worshiper and his wife Chosen One brought me home. The song This Is Amazing Grace by Jeremy Riddle was playing in the car that evening. I have heard this song many times before but as I listened to it that night, something in the lyrics really stirred up my heart.

Despite the burden of unresolved issues I carried in my heart, the realization hit me that the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross was indeed an act of amazing grace. Such love could never be measured or explained, or understood by the finite mind.

"This is amazing grace... this is unfailing love
That You would take my place... that You would bear my cross
That I might be set free..."

I knew my Abba was speaking to me.


The next day our devotional group, the Women of Purpose, celebrated our friend Elena's birthday at Italia Restaurant.

On Friday afternoon my friend Tata offered to drive me to the Bacolod Silay airport to pick up two boxes that my sister in law Faith was sending from Manila through PAL Cargo. Faith arrived from Los Angeles on the first of July together with her siblings to spend some time with their mother. Because of limited baggage allowance on domestic flights, she opted to send the goodies she had brought for me and my family this way.

What a timely blessing Tata's offer was to me! The boxes weighed a total of 68 kilos, with one huge box for  Faith's mother who lives in the southern part of our province, and a slightly smaller box filled with gifts for me and my family.

Someone in L.A. loves me!

On Saturday, the ninth of July, our family treated my sister in law Faith and her siblings to a simple, no-frills chicken barbecue and garlic rice lunch at the Chicken House on Hilado Street. It was so good to once again hug my dear sister-in-law after so many years. Even though she lives in another continent halfway around the globe, Faith and I have a beautiful friendship. I so appreciate the love that she has continually given me and my family. We only had less than two hours to be together, but I believe it was all well worth it. After lunch, they all had to continue traveling to their mother's home two hours away.

The journey continues.

It's another Sunday, another week.

I went with my son Worshiper and his family to church again, then we had a family lunch at Kai Sei Japanese Restaurant.

That evening, my daughter in law prepared a delicious birthday meal for her family and friends. 

On Tuesday, Worshiper had to be hospitalized for pneumonia.

I had no choice but to cancel all my plans for the week. For the next five days, I stayed most of the time with his family, looking after the two boys while Chosen One attended to her husband's needs in the hospital. 

Illness in the family is never a pleasant time for anybody. These are times when I feel so powerless, because the remedy and the cure is not really something money can buy or human effort can achieve. All I can do is ask God for complete healing and thank Him in advance for His favorable answer to my prayers.

But on Wednesday, I had a window of opportunity to join Babes, Hope, Yoly, and Nening for lunch at Delicioso to celebrate Nening's birthday. I continue to rejoice with my friend for the new season that Abba Father is bringing her through.

Worshiper was discharged from the hospital on Saturday evening. He still has to continue medication at home but I thank God that my son is on his way to full recovery.

As for me, I've been wanting to get to the root of my inner spiritual condition.

I have no doubt my Abba Father knows what's on my heart. He hears my unspoken pleas for help.

On Sunday afternoon, together with Miriam, Melanie and a few other friends, I traveled to La Carlota for the funeral of Ann Caña's brother.

During the burial service Lyndon gave a message about the prodigal son's decision to return to his father. The father had been waiting for the son's return, and welcomed him with open arms, re-instating him to his status as a son, worthy of honor and dignity.

All the son needed to do was to return to the father's home.

Once again, I knew my heavenly Father was calling my attention. That brief encounter with this passage spoke to me in an unexpected way.

Return to Me, My daughter... I am waiting for you, the Father seemed to be speaking to me.

On Tuesday afternoon, I went to Nening's home to join her and a few friends for lunch, a time of prayer, worship, and sharing God-stories. God's presence was real in our midst. The worship songs that Richard and Ione sang were so simple yet so sincere, and my heart was truly touched.

I thought I was just going to have lunch. God had other plans.

Jo V, Nening's prayer partner for many years, began sharing some of her stories of how God had called her to be a surgeon and against her wishes, was given an assignment to go to the mission field. I felt time stop as I listened to her speak of the miraculous ways God had helped her to operate and extend a helping hand to desperate people under impossible circumstances. She herself could not imagine how she could have done what she did, except that God had been with her.

Seated L-R: Nening, Ging, Elenita, Helen, Jo V

Standing L-R: me, Ione, Richard

Nening and Jo V

The past months, I have been weighed down with fear, and have really made an effort to let go of it. But it never completely leaves... before I know it, it's back.

It's been an on and off thing, dealing with these emotions.

I know I have repented of making an idol out of it, by giving it so much power over me. Still it keeps coming back.

It is not really full-blown, but it is like a low-grade fever. You are not really that sick, but neither are you that well. It stays in the backstage, yet it is ever ready to take center stage.

Two weeks ago, I requested my friends Ruby and Tata for a time of personal ministry. What a gift from God these friends of mine are. Through the years of being together, we have reached a place in our shared journey where we can be transparent with one another, willing to let them see my blind spots and allowing them to point them out to me.

When we are blind to the schemes of the enemy, the lies we have been made to believe remain effectively hidden. It is one thing to live under the dark illusion of a lie, and it is another thing to live under the protective umbrella of truth.

A lie inhibits... limits... confines... imprisons. A lie keeps things hidden. The enemy is the thief who steals, kills, and destroys.

But the truth sets us free to go beyond the boundaries that the enemy has built around us. Truth brings things out in the light. Jesus is the Truth... and He has come to give life abundantly.

I know a lot of things in my intellect. And since the intellect is in the realm of the soul, operating from the mind doesn't really set anybody free. It is a soulish response.

True freedom is won in the realm of the spirit.

Ruby pointed out to me that even though I have dealt with the spirit of fear that has taken over my heart, we needed to ask the Lord to reveal why the fear kept coming back. What was the root cause of the sword of uncertainty that I felt hanging above my head?

Demonic spirits never operate alone. At the very least, they come in pairs. (We know of Bible accounts where there is a legion of them operating in one person.)

I already knew the answer. Partnering with the spirit of fear was the spirit of doubt.

And that explains the feeling that there was a sword of uncertainty ready to fall on me anytime.

I was doubting the goodness of God and the truth that He was my refuge and strength, my protector, my provider, my Savior, my Redeemer.

Friends who can lovingly point out these lies are so valuable! There is no need to be defensive or to protect myself, because they accept me as I am. I feel secure in their love.

I repented of having allowed the false gods of fear and doubt to rule my life. And once again, I declared that God alone was my God, and the King who sits on the throne of my heart.

Praise Abba Father for the time of breakthrough, of being able to see clearly where the enemy has lied to me, of being set free to once again walk in my true identity and calling, and most of all, of truly giving God first place in my life.

I do understand clearly what this is all about.

On May 22, the day I returned to Manila after our ministry trip to Cambodia, the word that Pastor Sky Ramos spoke at Victory QC struck a deep chord in my heart. It was the start of the ten-week series entitled Perfect Law, Perfect Love. Pastor Sky tackled the very first of the ten commandments that morning.

I am the LORD your God,

who brought you out of Egypt

out of the house of bondage.

You shall have no other gods before Me.

- Exodus 20:2

God Himself makes it clear. He is the LORD God. He is the Creator. He is Lord, the Absolute Owner.

He is the God who brought us out of Egypt, out of the house of bondage. In the historical context, it is true that God was the One who delivered the Israelites from the land of their slavery into the Promised Land of liberty.

For you and me, this also has a personal fulfillment. He is the God who rescues us from our own personal Egypts. From whatever it is that enslaves us, He rescues us.

He is our Covenant God, having established with His people a covenant of blessing.

The Israelites knew God as their Hero, their Deliverer... but God wants more than that. He wants their hearts, their full allegiance. He wants to be their God, the One they worship and adore.

Is there anything that comes close to God in our lives?  Pastor Sky asked. Anything else should be a far second.

Wow... a far second.

I thought about those words over and over again. Anything that comes close to God in my life should be a far second.

This is the way we were created. He created us to worship Him as King. We are to seek first His Kingdom, and His righteousness... and everything else will fall into proper place and order.

When we do not put God first, our lives become lopsided.

We worship beauty and reputation. We worship comfort. We worship security. We worship our families. Our spouse or our children become our idols, even if we may not admit it. We worship our businesses. We worship material things.

I know of people who have a deep love for themselves - they bow at the altar of self - and the mantra they speak is I-me-mine.  They indulge in whatever it is that will satisfy them - food, clothing, jewelry, stuff. That's plain and simple idolatry.

Some people worship their rules and regulations... their high standards and expectations. That's false worship, too.

Or we could worship our sickness. We could worship our brokenness, and not even know it.

We could worship our problems - by thinking of them more than we think of God.

And of course, we know how worshiping anything other than God destroys us at the very core of our beings.

But when we know God comes first over all, then choosing our priorities becomes easy.

God is a covenant God who has established a covenant of promise with His people. A covenant of law, and a covenant of grace.

I am so blessed that for all the times I have messed up in my priorities, allowing fear and doubt to sit on the throne that rightfully belongs to God, my Father has called my attention, and calls me to return to Him as my First Love.

And He welcomes me with open arms.

I can't believe so much has happened in just three short weeks. In about ten more days, the month of July will come to an end.

In this blog, I already give the month a name: No Other Gods.

He is God alone.

In my July 6 journal entry, I wrote down a prayer, part of which I will share on this post:

Father God, today I make this promise again, "I will stick with You in the process. 

"This is a new season of growth, but the process is like being in a prison - a prison of being broken, of being stripped of things that make me secure, and comfortable. 

"But I choose to remain true to You as my covenant God, who promised to give me rest, and restoration to the broken pieces of my life.  

"I put all my trust in You. In You alone."


The Father's response to me was very clear. This was the word I received in my spirit:

Do not fear for you will not be ashamed;
Neither be disgraced, for you will not be put to shame;
For you will forget the shame of your youth
And will not remember the reproach of your widowhood anymore.
For your Maker is your husband
The Lord of Hosts is His name;
And your Redeemer is the Holy One of Israel,
He is called the God of the whole earth.

For the mountains shall depart
And the hills be removed
But My kindness shall not depart from you
Nor shall my covenant of peace be removed, says the LORD who has mercy on you.

- Isaiah 54:4, 5, 10

Come to Me

Come to Me you weary one
And I will give you rest
I will give you rest
Come to Me you weary one
And I will give you rest
For My yoke is easy and My burden is light
Take Me upon you
I will give you rest

Come to Me you broken one
And I will give you peace
I will give you peace
Come to Me you broken one
And I will give you peace
I will give you peace
I will calm your waters and I'll whisper
"Peace be still."
Take Me upon you
I will give you peace

Come to Me
Come to Me
Come to Me
I have been waiting for you here

Come to Me you burdened one
And I will give you joy
I will give you joy
Come to Me you burdened one
And I will give you joy
I will give you joy
You will rise like eagles
And My joy will be your strength
Take Me upon you
I will give you joy

Come to Me
Come to Me
Come to Me
I have been waiting for you here

He has been waiting for you here
Come
Come to Him
Come and find your peace
Come and find your rest
Come and find your joy
He is waiting here for you with open arms
To hold you, to embrace your heart
To  love you
He is waiting here

Privilege

So give me words to speak
Don't let my spirit sleep
Cause I can't think of anything worth saying
But I know that I owe You my life
So give me words to speak...

-Aaron Shust

Surely goodness and mercy

Shall follow me all the days of my life,

And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

- Psalm 23:6

For the Lord God is a sun and shield

He bestows favor and honor;

No good thing does he withhold

From those whose walk is blameless.

- Psalm 84:11

As this month ends, I'm looking back at the past four weeks... and all I can think of is the word privilege.

Privilege... all of my life is a privilege.

I remember April as a dry and weary land... and my spirit was crying out for spiritual rain to water the parched places of my heart.

The very first day of May came with a heavy downpour... a harbinger of a beautiful season of refreshing.

And indeed it was.

So, privilege is the best word I can use to describe this month.

A privilege is a special favor granted. And when I look at my life through the lens of privilege, my heart overflows with thankfulness and appreciation.

Plans miscarry, people and circumstances disappoint us...

When I live my life as a right, it is easy to demand that things go the way we want them to.

But how beautiful the heart that looks at life as a privilege.

Jesus, the Son of the King of Kings could have looked at His life as a right... then He would never have offered to give His life on the cross in exchange for ours.

And where would that leave us?

These are the thoughts filling my heart - just a gratefulness for the life that I have been given.

To some, this kind of thinking is mushy sentimentalism. But for me, it is plain and simple reality.

I owe God my life, it is only proper that I live in appreciation of what He has done.


The month of May began with much awaited rainshowers falling on the thirsty ground of my home province.

I am so thankful for what this month has been like.

At the start of this month, we celebrated First Born son's birthday.

I stood as one of the principal sponsors for Edward and Janice on their wedding ceremony.

On May 7, together with my friends William and Ruby and their daughter Stef, we flew to Manila to do a three day Ancient Paths seminar in Batangas, another province south of Manila.

Together with our Manila ministry team, we were booked in a beautiful garden resort...

Every night in Batangas, the rains also fell. The plants around were so lush and green, bringing delight to our hearts.

It was symbolic of what was happening in the hearts of the medical students our team ministered to. After going through The Question (Identity and Destiny seminar) and ministry time, these young people will never be the same!

It was a privilege for me to be an agent of healing and change in their lives.


After a two hour road trip from Batangas City, I reached my Metro Manila home on May 9... and this was what I saw waiting for me:

The photo doesn't do justice to this beautiful crape myrtle tree -- there were hundreds of buds on every twig and branch of the plant, ready to bloom.

Just a few weeks ago I had been praying for this tree, wondering if it was going to flower this year, like it usually does. So my heart was overjoyed to see it had indeed sprung back to life!

My daughter Obedient One and I celebrated Mother's Day the following day at my favorite restaurant, Cyma Greek Taverna. We ate a sumptuous lunch of Roka Salata, Paidakia (Grilled Lamb Chops), and Vongole (Angel Hair Pasta and Baby Clams in White Wine).

On May 15, I arrived in Chiang Mai, Thailand, where Obedient One and I spent ten wonderful days with our dear friends Teerapong and Angkab.

Chiang Mai's summer had also been very hot and oppressive, but while we were there, the rains finally began to fall.

My 2015 visit to Chiang Mai was such a delightful, refreshing one. Words are really never enough to express what is on my heart.

Here are some photos:

On May 28, my son Worshiper, his wife Chosen One, their two sons, and I went up to Baguio City for the wedding of his best friend Joey to Sitti Navarro, a famous Bossa Nova singer in our country. Joey's mom, Jing, is a dear friend of mine as well.

It rained every afternoon and evening in Baguio City while we were there. And yes, it rained on the day of the wedding as well.

But everything just turned out to be beautiful! So beautiful.

The rains made everything look so fresh and new.

I wrote all about it on my blog post entitled Love Someone.

Again, what can I say, except that it was a privilege for me to have been there.

These past years I have been appreciating solitude and silence more and more.

A lot of times I have realized that too many words can ruin an otherwise beautiful moment.

Sad but true... how often do our words get in the way of what the Father is trying to say to us?

And so, more and more, given the choice, I would prefer my words to be few.

I know I have said this before, but let me just say it one more time: there are times when I realize that it is okay to leave my questions unspoken.

And it is also okay to have no answers for my questions.

There is a day coming when all the answers we are looking for will be given to us.

For now, I just want to say:

Thank You, my dear Abba Father, for this truly refreshing month.

Thank You for the spiritual rain showers, the showers of mercy and grace, that have watered the garden of my heart.

Thank You for dear friends who have been so generous and kind to me.

Thank You for the privilege of being a witness to Your abounding love.

I name this month: Privilege.

I couldn't have asked for more.


Soon I will be going back to my home city of Bacolod. I've been away for almost a month, but May has been a truly incredible and amazing month!

For now, let me savor the last few days I have left in this beautiful home where I grew up... till my next visit...

treasuring the memory of my hardworking parents, proud of the way they brought me up...

packing the Lampang ceramic pottery and the Starbucks Chiangmai mug that I brought home with me from Thailand...

and most of all, being thankful... ever so thankful for this life that I have been given.


Here are a few more photos taken in Baguio City,  and a fitting song for this month, My Savior, My God by Aaron Shust.

Thank you Sitti,
I know you were tired from your wedding the day before...
so I truly appreciate your kindness in posing with me for this photo.

Note: Most of the photos of my Chiang Mai trip were taken by Teerapong or Ut, as we fondly call him. He is my friend Oy's husband. Ut doesn't like to be called a "professional." so I won't. But he does take very good photographs! Thank you, Ut...