My First Love

The Midnight Oil for the Lamps
by Gavin Finley

Therefore, behold, I will allure her.
and bring her into the wilderness,
and speak tenderly to her.
And there I will give her her vineyards,
and make the Valley of Achor
a door of hope,
And there she shall answer
as in the days of her youth,
as at the time when she came out
of the land of Egypt.

Hosea 2:14-15

For the past five months or so, ever since Ernie and I returned to our country after living in Thailand for a year, I have been thinking of writing a post on something that is very close to my heart.

I could not find the time to sit down and pour my heart out, it just was a topic too precious to do haphazardly.

Upon arriving in Manila on September 28 last year, Ernie stayed for two days to be with our daughter Obedient One, then he took the flight to Bacolod City, our home town, two days later. I returned to Bacolod about ten days later.

In my previous post entries I have written about the many things that were waiting for me upon my return. One of them was the forthcoming birth of our first grandson, Matthew. He was born in October.

Only a month after Matthew was born, Ernie passed away.

This was an unexpected happening, and the two months following this event have seen me re-arranging my life, and preparing for the new season that I now find myself in.

Somehow, the post I have been wanting to do never got written, but it has been burning in my heart.

I would have wanted to devote more time to this post, to think this one out very well, but I sense in my heart a prompting, an urgency to just write it down, as the words flow out of my heart.

I firmly believe that we are not only living in the last days of the kingdom of darkness, or the end times. If the chronological clock on which our earthly time operates could be depicted as a twelve-hour clock, I believe that the hands on that clock show that we are already at the eleventh hour.

The clock is ticking, there isn't much time left.
I am a writer a heart: I love to read and I love to write. But in early 2008, when this blog was only a few weeks old, I did some soul-searching and told myself that on this blog I will not write to get recognition and praise. Nor will I write to teach, admonish, or preach doctrine. Other websites are already doing that very well.

I will just write what is on my heart -- about my love for God, my love for my husband and children - my family, my friends, my country, and my love for Israel.

Doing that gives me the freedom that I need to let me be God's channel... to be His voice, to be His messenger.

Because of the busy-ness of the past months, there has not been as much quality time as I used to have with Him. Waking up in the early hours of the morning, pursuing an intimate relationship with God.

I have really missed this part of my life.

And, there has been a repeated invitation to return to my first love, to go back, and to re-affirm my covenant relationship with my God and King.

God is always wanting to re-initiate this covenant with us.

And He has been calling me to re-connect, to return.

It's not that I have strayed far... I still love Him, I still look to Him as the source, the wellspring of my life. But with the many voices calling out to me, it has been easy to be distracted, and to look away.

I also realize that because of the years that I have spent just looking into His face, beholding His beauty and glory, there is a residue of oil that I have built up... so that when I am called upon to minister, to help a fellow traveler, they get refreshed, and somehow ministered to. I am giving out of that reserve.

But there have been times when the words on my lips taste like paper, and I find myself repeating old phrases from old prayers that once had power and anointing.

I cannot go on living this way. I need to build up fresh reserves for the journey ahead.

Re-set my priorities. Re-focus my spiritual lenses.

Re-kindle my first love.

I want to look again at, and be carried away by, the beauty of my God.

This is what will draw me away from other "lovers" or places of compromise.

Oh, there are just too many opportunities to compromise. I have learned the right language to use, even the right songs to sing, the right verses to refer to.

And right now, what I feel is that God is calling me, once again giving me that invitation.

He is saying, "You don't need to try to impress others with your spirituality. That is not what I am after. I am after your heart, your pure heart. Renew your covenant relationship with me."

And so I have been reading the passage from Hosea 2:14-15, one of my favorites, a passage that was first spoken to me many years ago when I knew He was taking me to a higher level of knowing Him.

He led me to the wilderness, so that He could comfort me, and there speak tenderly to me, and tell me that He will give me back my vineyards, and that I will sing again, the way I did in the days of my youth, the way I did when I got out of Egypt.

Yes, out in the wilderness is the place where God wants to renew me. Because out in the wilderness there are not too many voices... and choices... to distract me.

I am really reaching the point where I am telling God I am sorry for having allowed myself to be disconnected.

In a CD teaching that I listened to on October 3, a teaching entitled "Call to Intimacy" by Rhonda Hughey, I was struck by these words:

...when we're disconnected we lose our fruitfulness.
...when we're not in covenant relationship with God,we're barren.
...barrenness is directly related to our lack of covenant relationship.
...all we have are the substitutes
...God becomes a taskmaster, a "disciplinarian," when we're wandering away from Him.
...we find the "names of Baals" on our lips

And today is the best time to say to God, "I don't want substitutes. Things that make me feel good, and look good, and sound good... but they are not flowing out of a deep intimate relationship with God."

"I don't want the 'names of Baals' on my lips."

I want the real thing, and to go back to sing my song of love, as I did when I just got out of Egypt, the time when my heart was very tender, and was on fire for Him.

I am going back to my First Love.

The teaching about the five wise and the five foolish virgins is also being repeatedly impressed upon my heart.

I want to be as one of the five wise virgins who carried an extra supply of oil, outside of themselves, as a safeguard against burnout, when the arrival of the bridegroom was delayed. The reserve oil that I have in myself will not suffice for the days of the difficult journey ahead.

Years ago I heard this song by Vineyard, and it has never left my heart. I find the song to be very appropriate for what God is telling me.

My first love is Jesus

You're the One I adore
My first love is my Savior
You're the One that I'm living for

My first love is Jesus
You're the Strength of my life
My first love is my Master
You hold the keys to my life

Jesus, Lord Jesus...
Lord Jesus,You're my First Love
How i love You
Oh...how I love You Lord

(A Vineyard song)

Dear friend, do you find yourself to be running on dwindling reserves of oil? Then I invite you together with me, to go back to our First Love.... He stands at the door and knocks, He is calling us to back into that place of fruitfulness, back to the fire of His love.

Yes the clock is at the eleventh hour, and there isn't much time left. But there is still time to go back, to return, to go deeper into our relationship with Him. To discard the substitutes. To reject lesser loves. To hunger and thirst only for what is real.

My prayer: Jesus, I have heard your voice gently calling out to me. And though I have wanted to respond, other voices have distracted me. And how often have I looked away, and ignored that voice. I am sorry, Lord. But today, thank you that you have seen my heart, and you have re-kindled the fires of my first love for you. I can't say anything more... only thank you for having me back. Bring me higher, closer to your heart.

The Parable of the Ten Virgins by Gavin Finley

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