Purple Flowers
by Rose Ann Hayes
(quote from Jeff Goins added)
For as he thinks in his heart, so is he.
- Proverbs 23:7
A generous person will prosper;
whoever refreshes others will be refreshed.
-Proverbs 11:25
I write because I don't know what I think until I read what I say.
-Flannery O'Connor
It's been over a month since I last posted an entry on this blog. Tonight I'm grateful for the opportunity to write another chapter to my life story. I've entitled it Generosity, the name I am giving the month of November as it comes to an end.
Looking back over the past weeks, I see the recurring pattern of generosity in the fabric of my life. Yet, woven between the threads are occasional strands of relational pain. For those contrasting strands, I choose to be thankful for they add texture to my existence. They prompt me to evaluate my relationships, and to make necessary adjustments. Forced out of my comfort zone, I can honestly assess the condition of my heart, check the filters through which I view my life, and listen to what God is saying.
A month ago I was given an opportunity to be part of another kingdom assignment. The past months I had been on many plane rides and airport layovers en route to and returning from ministry destinations. Thus my initial response was one of reluctance and hesitation. I asked, Am I really needed on this trip, Lord?
Through my ministry leaders I received confirmation that I was indeed a vital part of this mission, and peace came. I realized that it was an invitation to join the Father in what He is doing. And when God extends a special invitation to join Him in His work, only a fool would say no.
Plans were not fully laid out right away, but in my heart was a quiet sense of trusting Abba Father for how things will work out. I was truly grateful to help fulfill a kingdom purpose in the lives God would entrust to us.
Breakfast, October 24, 2016
"Heart Wide Open"
The Greek word patior comes to mind. That it should surface at the exact moment I needed it amazes me. One of the definitions of patior is "to allow" or "to submit." It also means "to undergo." It includes the sense of allowing other people to do things to you, in contrast to you deciding to do it yourself.
In another sense, the word patior means "to be handed over."
I first heard about this beautiful word years ago, from a book by Henri Nouwen. Henri wrote that in the first three years of the public ministry of Jesus, He was a man of action. He taught, healed the sick, and went about His Father's business. But at the end of His life, He allowed things to be done to Him. He was fully God, yet He underwent Gethsemane as fully man, where He grappled with the reality of the Cross.
In the end, He said yes to the Father.
Jesus ended His life in a state of being actively passive. The words passive and patience are derived from the Greek patior.
It is with this sense of being actively passive that I embarked on that assignment. I didn't know what lies ahead, but one thing was sure: destiny was unfolding before me, and my heart was ready. I could be relaxed about it, mostly because I was trusting God for the outcome.
Everything did fall into place in the end. Plans were made, not in the usual way that corporate plans are drawn and finalized, but in consideration of people's availability and time commitments. Flexibility was the name of the game, so to speak. And so the plans we came up with were rather open-ended. But it all worked out beautifully. People were willing to make sacrifices; there was commitment and cooperation.
I am quite passionate about what I do, but not in the sense of being intense or driven. I like the way Nouwen describes the word passion. He says passion is a kind of waiting - waiting for what other people are going to do. All action ends in passion because the response to our action is out of our hands.
At this point in my life, the passion with which I do the work I have been called to do is flowing out of a heart that rests and trusts in what God will do.
Looking at the time I spent in ministry, I can say that it was done with this sense of quiet passion.
Then something came up that really shook my world.
I write about it here because there are precious lessons to be gleaned, but mostly to verbalize the journey my heart took in response to what happened.
I echo what Flannery O'Connors says: I write because I don't know what I think until I read what I say.
Writing my thoughts down helps bring clarity.
Someday I will look back at these days and understand the purpose for this important chapter in my life. Probably the greatest lesson I am taking away at the present moment is this: What was intended by the enemy to wound became a redemptive tool in the Father's hand to open the eyes of my heart.
It has been a long time since my world was shaken in that way.
It was a case of the topical versus the relational level of communication, something that the enemy is good at messing up with.
On the topical level, my motives were pure, and my conscience was clear. But somewhere along the way, a lie was planted by the enemy, seeking to sow discord. The real motive for something I did was misunderstood, and out of that misunderstanding, wrong relational messages were exchanged.
I thought I was quite secure in my inner worth and true value. Yet, the enemy was subtle in his attack; my self-worth was shaken even in the midst of spiritual breakthroughs.
But thanks to the grace of God He enabled me to carry on and attend to the needs of the moment.
I must be honest, though, and admit that I felt misunderstood, and misrepresented. Every part of me wanted to explain my side. But rather than defend myself, I tried to view things from the other person's point of view, bearing in mind one important lesson about relational conflicts, that one does not have to be wrong to repent.
The way things turned out was not entirely my fault, nevertheless, I knew the mature response was to own my part in what happened, without passing any negative judgment.
Where there has been relational miscommunication, one can help promote healing by taking a humble stance and asking for forgiveness for the wrong relational message that was conveyed.
I asked for forgiveness.
And I chose to release forgiveness.
I say this not to make myself look good. Indeed it is so easy to give in to self-pity, and self-focus... when in truth, the Father is just waiting to point the way to a healing breakthrough.
So I asked God to help me walk in the opposite spirit. Having been a recipient of so much generosity throughout the past weeks, I didn't want to give room to offense.
Instead, I wanted to give a wide place for honor, even though my own heart was still in pain.
On the plane ride back to the Philippines, there was a chunk of time to be alone with my thoughts, and I sensed the Father slowly begin downloading His healing into my own heart.
I realized that despite the full schedule of the past weeks, with ministry extending past midnight on most days, I did not feel tired or drained. On the contrary, I felt energized and revived.
I looked back at the sweetness of my relationship with my dear friends. We have all poured much investment into each other's lives, an investment that should not be put to waste.
When trust is broken, it is easy to give up and walk away.
Old wounds can sometimes re-open.
I realize that just as I have my own filters from which I view my life events, other people also have their own filters.
We all have our own areas of blindness.
And we all have unhealed wounds... triggers that connect to past wounding experiences... the subtle role of the enemy who is quick to whisper lies into our ears...
Really, just about anything could go wrong as we journey through life.
That's understandable, since we are in a war. The enemy fights dirty. His goal is always to steal, to kill, and to destroy.
But Jesus came to give life, and give it abundantly.
I want to be a life-giver in my relationships. My mind is filled with accumulated spiritual knowledge. Of what use is that when they are not put to practice? Of what value are the words I speak to teach others, if I cannot walk my talk?
Why not choose to turn the other cheek, and walk the extra mile... in the opposite spirit? Why not choose to bless, even when my own heart is in need of healing?
The Bible says that as far as it depends on me, to live at peace with everyone. (Romans 12:18) What better time to put that into practice than at this time? After all, we are in varying stages of maturity and growth.
The heart response I offer at this time could very well be the very response others have given me, without my knowing it.
Slowly I picked up the pieces of my heart and allowed the Father to put them back together. After all, He is the one who assigns my true worth.
I have chosen to remain quiet, no longer seeing a need to protect my position. Abba Father reminded me that as a lamb before its shearers is dumb, so Jesus opened not His mouth before His accusers.
Could I truly be like Jesus, without sounding self-righteous?
With His grace and help, I am walking in that direction. I can now look back at what happened without blameshifting or fault-finding.
Yet, there are also practical steps to take.
There has been forgiveness, but the process of forgiving takes time, even as Jesus said that we may need to do it seventy times seven (Matthew 18:21-22).
I'm doing the math. And applying it.
And I hear my heart speaking. In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. (Hebrews 12:4).
That just puts everything in perspective. Everything that we consider an injustice in our life pales in comparison with what was done to Jesus on the Cross.
Understandably, hearts are still bruised where the lies of the enemy were aimed like arrows.
Since the only weapon against falsehood is truth, in this season, I am embracing Jesus Christ as the Way, the Truth, and the Life.
Jesus Christ as Truth brings cleansing, clarity, and freedom to my heart.
Jesus is also the Prince of Peace, giving me His Peace in the midst of my troubled waters.
It is a new season for me.
A season of giving honor a chance to do its work.
This is the season to step back, and to allow space and time for healing and restoration to take place, and for broken trust to be rebuilt.
From the same position of active passivity that I have been living my life this year, I continue to look at my relationships.
I want to live life with a passion.
Yet, not a passion of too much action, of trying to fix things, of getting issues resolved, of being in control over my circumstances, of making things happen... but passion in the sense of passionate waiting. Waiting for what God will do.
Abba Father reminds me that the battle is His, I only have to be still.
Maybe others will look at it as complacency. Or spiritualizing conflict, and pushing my real feelings under the rug.
For me, it is really the patior of undergoing, of submitting, and of giving permission.
It is keeping my heart open to the glorious possibilities that God has in store for those who wait.
I hope there will come a time when I will be able to speak the truth in love. But even if it doesn't happen, my heart is on the road to peace.
Meanwhile, I am thankful for the many opportunities for soul recharge that have been made available to me since I got back three weeks ago. As a friend from England said, I need to have a strong soul to carry me through the pain of this season. How soothing that advice was when I received it. My spirit is being fed with worship and close communion with God... but the soul also needs to be nourished.. with beauty... joy... laughter... and meaningful friendship.
How grateful I am for the generosity of the different people I have been with the past month. A dear friend from Manila wrote me an affirming letter; just what I needed at this time. An online British friend watered my soul with prophetic words from the Father's heart. A Bible study leader, a dear friend as well, reminded me that the Lord is my Husband, my Protector, my Defender, my Shield and my sure Reward.
My Father God has been generous with His words, imparting to me my true identity. You are a faithful daughter, and I take delight in you. These were the words Abba Father spoke to me over and over again.
But the greatest generosity of all is the full payment that Jesus gave on the Cross for all the wrong things that people may do to me in this lifetime.
Yes, the Cross gives me an eternal perspective from which to view the events of the past weeks.
I am entering a season of rediscovering who I am.
Of stepping back, evaluating, assessing, taking stock.
Of spending quality and quantity time in the Father's presence. Asking Him to reveal my heart, and His heart, to me.
Of asking God to show me where He is leading me, and what my next assignment is to be.
Of new kingdom strategies.
I sense that He is taking me out of this comfort zone, and leading me to new, uncharted territories and deeper waters.
No matter what the future holds, in this season, I want to offer my heart as a sanctuary of beauty to an ugly world.
That quote by Jeff Goins sinks deep.
That is the kind of heart I want to have... in everything I do, and say.
And so, as November comes to an end in a few days, I am grateful for the generosity that has been given me.
I want to pay forward... and be generous, in return.
Generous in my intercession.
Generous in my praise and worship.
Generous in my faith, and in my hope.
Generous in my love.
Generous in my time, resources, and efforts.
Generous in my opinions and attitudes.
Generous in the way I view others.
Generous in my perspective of my life events.
To not withhold good when it is in my power to give it, but at the same time to be able to choose wisely.
I will choose my battles.
I will choose the thoughts that I entertain.
I will choose my words carefully.
I will choose the people I allow to speak into my life.
All these... because in everything I think, say and do, God desires that He alone be given the glory and the honor. May my love for Him be given precedence and top consideration in all the decisions I make.
I shall ask into my shell only those friends
with whom I can be completely honest.
- Anne Morrow Lindbergh
(Gift from the Sea)
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