The God of Recompense

 

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Strengthen the weak hands 

 And make firm the feeble knees. 

 Say to those who are fearful-hearted, 

 "Be strong, do not fear! 

 Behold your God will come with vengeance, 

 With the recompense of God; 

 He will come and save you." 

- Isaiah 35:10  

So I will restore to you the years 

that the swarming locust has eaten,

The crawling locust,

The consuming locust,

And the chewing locust,

My great army which I sent among you. 

You shall eat in plenty and be satisfied,

And praise the name of the LORD your God,

Who has dealt wondrously with you;

And My people shall never be put to shame.

Then you shall know that I am in the midst of Israel;

I am the LORD your God

And there is no other.

My people shall never be put to shame.

- Joel 2:25-27

Do not fear, little flock, 

for it is your Father's good pleasure

to give you the kingdom.

-Luke 12:32

On September 16, I wrote this in my blog post, 

I am entering a new season. I'm turning over a new leaf.

It is interesting to note that the “leaf” in this phrase does not refer to the leaf on a tree, but rather the pages in a book. In the 16th century the pages of a book were referred to as leaves. The allusion to turning over to a blank page and starting over has been used since the 1500s. Even though it has not always meant “change for the better” it has always meant that you are starting over. When you turn to a new, clean page you are leaving the past behind you and starting over.

Four days after I wrote that entry, I received word about a very important development. That this happens just when I was firm in my resolve to turn over a new leaf, specifically to pursue my relationship with God at a deeper level, only means I was on the right track. 

But the news has so taken me aback that it brought me scampering back inside a familiar dark corner that I call Camp Fear. Although my mind tells me that nothing takes God by surprise... that Father knows the times and seasons of my circumstances... that I can trust Him, my heart tells me a different story.

So I look back at my life, remembering how safe and secure I felt during my childhood and young adult years. And how my parents raised me and my sister with genuine love, nurture, and utmost care.  At no moment did I ever feel abandoned or unwelcome.   

The early years of my marriage continued on this same note: my husband Ernie lovingly cared for me and our children. For my part, I also gave Ernie and our children the best loving care a wife and mother could possibly give. 

I believe my parents' commitment and loyalty to one another and to us their daughters provided the secure environment that shaped the confidence I had, both in myself and in the world...that whatever life threw at me, I was capable and well-equipped to handle. It also prepared me to turn the reins of my life over to God in a life-changing encounter with Him during my freshman year at the UP.

Certainly life was not fairy tale perfect, but generally speaking, I remember those chapters in my life as  my "snag-free", carefree, comfort zone years. 

Somewhere along the way, circumstances changed; the road we walked on became rocky and we found ourselves sailing on turbulent waters. 

The year was 1989.  After about a decade of a comfortable married life, Ernie and I reached rock bottom in our finances. I never saw it coming. For the first time in my entire life of 36 years I found myself in a very strange place.

One thing led to another, and today, as a widow of fourteen years, I am still facing some consequences of choices made during that eventful year.

I was not aware of what was really going on then. Being the mother of three young children and the principal of our church school at the same time required my full attention. Completely trusting my husband, I never doubted his integrity and wisdom. In that my heart is secure, even up to today.

I have always said that faith is the underlying theme of my life story. And faith requires that I put my trust in no one else but Him alone.

It is therefore understandable that God will remove anything and anyone that would take His place on the throne of my heart. 

The financial woes... my father's death... my husband's death... the list goes on.

In 2018, my best friend Melanie passed away. This was a huge blow to me, but at hindsight, I recognize it as God's way of removing major props in my life.

In 2020, William Su, the national coordinator of Family Foundations International-Philasia, unexpectedly died due to the pandemic.  This was a blow so severe to us in a beloved ministry we have served together since 2001. Again, I see it now as God's way of dismantling yet another pillar of security in my life.

In 2021, three more lives of close friends were claimed by the pandemic, but the most painful was the death of Lyndon, our well-respected Bible teacher for the past twenty years or so. He was a prophetic voice in the wilderness, a modern day John the Baptist. His death came as a major blow to all of us who looked up to his anointed teaching about intimacy with God, and 24/7 prayer and intercession, the end-time bridal heart preparation for the return of our King.

I never prayed as hard as when I asked God to miraculously heal Melanie, William, John, Manolo, and Lyndon. But God chose to answer my prayer His way, not my way.  

One cannot help but feel so orphaned and lost in the midst of so many props being taken out one after the other. Talk about leaving the comfort zone big time. But in God's wisdom, this was the only way that my faith could be strengthened. Faith grows not in our places of comfort and security but in uncharted territories, where we are in the dark and there's just enough light for the next step.

An eagle pushes its young out of the nest when it is time for them to use their wings and fly. The gardener mercilessly prunes the grapevines to ensure fresh growth and abundant fruit come harvest season. The goldsmith refines gold in the crucible, turning up the heat to 450° to 750° C (840° to 1,380° F) to allow the dross to rise to the surface where they can be easily removed.

In the same way, everything in life is being used by God as an opportunity to build and purify our faith. 

Such is the case in a major battle I have been fighting these past years, a battle that is not even of my doing.

For someone in her autumn years, I keep thinking that I deserve better.

But then again, do we really deserve anything? From what I understand, I was a sinner on her way to hell when Christ in His compassion died the death that should have been mine. And in doing so, He paid the price that I might spend eternity in heaven!

That settles once and for all any right to the kind of life I think I deserve.

Promises that have remained unfulfilled is no longer the issue for me. Years ago, Abba Father spoke to me about letting go of these promises, and instead, trusting Him alone as the Promise Keeper. 

Yet life has gone on very much like a spiritual roller coaster ride. There are good days, and there are not-so-good days. To be honest, for many years I have lived with fear and uncertainty hanging like the sword of Damocles above my head. I have also struggled with a joyless heart, thinking that joy will come when there are no more unresolved issues in my life.

I am grateful for the personal breakthroughs and victories as seasons have come and gone, but on the whole, I have not really been satisfied with the quality of my spiritual life these past years.  My heart hungers for something more.

I feel I have not done enough; my devotional life leaves much to be desired. Sometimes it feels like I am in danger of falling back into a religion of works, demanding of me to successfully jump through a series of spiritual hoops.  

And so my faith journey continues. 

After much soul-searching. I realized that being thrust out of my places of security and comfort is actually a blessing because only then can God begin to fulfill His purposes for me.

In the midst of all these, my heart rests secure in the truth that God is the Author of my life story. Not a single line is out of place in my story. Every comma, every period has its place, for it is God Himself holding the pen. He knows exactly when one chapter ends and when another begins.

Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed,

And in Your book they all were written,

The days fashioned for me,

When as yet there were none of them.

- Psalm 139:16

What strikes me about this Bible passage is the tense of the verbs.

In Your book they all were written, the days fashioned for me...

The story has been written already. In God's book the story is finished, although I am still living out the adventure here on earth. 

That, to me, is simply mind-blowing.

Abba Father has never given up on me.  If my heart is looking for something more, it must be an inner response to a divine invitation to draw near. 

Yes, He calls me time and time again. And in His still small voice, whispers, All I want is your heart, not your performance.

"The season has changed, the bondage of your barren winter has ended, and the season of hiding is over and gone," Abba Father gently speaks to me. 

It has happened countless times. As the truths I fully understand in my mind reach my heart, alignment takes place and God moves me up to the next level of our relationship.

Today, with the Hebrew month of Tishrei having just begun, and Yom Teruah (Feast of Trumpets) and Rosh Hashanah just ended, I have received a prophetic word from God that speaks truth and brings light to the hidden recesses of my heart.

With Rosh Hashanah, we entered the year 5783 in the Hebrew calendar. 

I want to briefly touch on the meaning of the number 3 in the Hebrew alphabet. 

Each of the 22 letters in the Aleph-Bet corresponds to a number, a picture, and an action. The number 3 stands for gimel, and its pictograph resembles both a foot and a person walking in the direction of the left. 

Gimel is derived from the Hebrew root word gemul, which means "justified repayment."

The word gimel is also associated with the Hebrew word gamal which means camel.  Camels are able to journey and survive in arid desert places. In such places of lack they are used as reliable means of transportation. Camels are the perfect animals for this because they carry extra water and food in their hump. They are well-prepared for seasons of drought and lack.

Two words have spoken powerfully to me in this new season: recompense, and provision.

For the  n^th  time, I am moving out of the dark dungeons of Camp Fear, and moving into the wide open fields of God's perfect love.

There is no fear in love; 

but perfect love casts out fear, 

because fear involves torment. 

But he who fears has not been made perfect in love. 

- 1 John 4:18

My operative word in this season is "wait." Waiting involves faith, and faith involves trust. I used to think those two words meant the same thing. But as I spent some time thinking about it, I realized that there is a subtle difference. Hebrews 11:1 says, 

Faith is the substance of things hoped for, 

the evidence of things not seen. 

Faith is believing in something that is not tangible. Faith is a mental assent. Trust, on the other hand, is an action that shows you believe. And waiting is part and parcel of that trust. Romans 8:25 says, 

But if we hope for what we do not yet see, we wait for it patiently. 

Long story short, if I have faith that God is going to do something, then trust requires that I wait for it to happen. Trust is external, faith is internal.

In this season of waiting and trusting, I am believing that what seems to be a delay in human terms is a divine opportunity in God's timeline. Bob Sorge calls it, " strategic delay." Waiting serves a divine purpose: it keeps me from being complacent, trusting in my own abilities. God wants me dependent on him alone.

God never leaves us to fend for ourselves, no matter what circumstances we may find ourselves in.  Whether or not we sense or experience the reality of His presence, the truth doesn't change: He cares, He watches over us, He is standing by, and He never leaves or forsakes us.

I must not forget, the story has been written, and the ending is glorious. 

In this new season, I choose to rest in God's perfect love.

One of the names of God is Jehovah El Gemuwal, LORD God of Recompense.

He is the God who will fight the battle for me, and the God who says, "Vengeance is Mine, I will repay."

There is nothing more that I can say. He is the God who holds the seasons of my life in His hands. There is no other god in my life; He alone sits on the throne of my heart.

I desire to walk close by Him in this new season, and to rest in His perfect love.

I desire to live out the story He has written of my life, listen to His voice alone, and silence all the other accusing voices in my life that only bring confusion.

This song is my response:

Let My Life Be Worship (source)

(This is a brand new single by United States Gospel Music Group

BETHEL Music and Jenn Johnson featuring Michaela Gentile)

This moment is holy 

And I hear You calling 

I turn my face towards You 

And my heart is open 

You’re always pursuing 

And my life surrendering 

You have my affection 

So let my life be worship 

And let my heart stay true 

May my love never grow cold 

May it burn forevermore 

May my life be worship to You

 OOh OOh OOh 

In blessing, in sorrow,

In the ordinary 

Whatever the cost is

You’re always worthy 

My heart’s cry 

And my whole life 

Is for Your glory 

You have my attention 

So let my life be worship 

Let my heart stay true 

May my love never grow cold 

May it burn forevermore 

Let my life be worship to You 

 OOh OOh OOh OOh OOh OOh OOh OOh OOh 

So let it be, 

Let it be worship 

You’re the only One, 

Only One worth it 

Nothing is like You, 

There’s no one beside You

Only You’re worthy, 

You’re worthy

 

So let it be, 

Let it be worship 

You’re the only One, 

Only One worth it 

Nothing is like You, 

There is no one beside You 

Only You’re worthy, 

You’re worthy... 

So let my life be worship 

Let my heart stay true...

So let my life be worship 

Let my heart stay true 

May my love never grow cold 

May it burn forevermore 

Let my life be worship to You 

In everything

In everything

Dishes piled high in the kitchen sink

Let it be worship

Oh you meet me in the ordinary

When I'm feeling weak

When I'm feeling tired

You find me and it's worship

You're the only One worth it

Only You are worthy...

Let my life be like a love song...