Jacob's New Name

Looking Back: A page from my Rasa Diary

Rasa in Centovalli, Ticino, Switzerland

"Then Jacob was left alone;

and a Man wrestled with him until the breaking of day."

Genesis 32:24

It was my first week in Rasa.

During the evening session, Hans asked us a question. I can’t recall what the question was. Others in the group began giving their responses; finally, my turn came. Still thinking of how to put my thoughts into words, I began my sentence with a qualifier, something like, “Hans, I do not know if what I feel makes sense to you, but...”

Hans stopped me with a remark. He said something like, “Why do you always want to be sure you are correct? It seems like you always want to impress, just like the Pharisees....”

My initial reaction after hearing those words was to retreat inside the safety of my own heart. It sounded like a stern rebuke, but his comment didn’t really affect me at once. I simply sat there until the session was over.

Later, at the cafeteria some of my fellow participants began to gather around me, one or two of them held my hand, another gave me a hug, but none of them said a word. Slowly I began to realize that they were feeling something for me...probably because of what took place earlier during the session.

At that time, I didn’t think much of what Hans said. After all, I had only been in Rasa a week; he didn’t really know me. For me it was just a casual comment that could be discarded... and never to be thought of again.

But after the wordless sympathy offered by some of my fellow participants, something in my heart gave way.

Alone in my room that night, I couldn’t sleep. Hans' words came back to me: “always wanting to impress... just like the Pharisees...”

I began asking, “Well, what was a Pharisee?”

The answer didn't take long to come: a Pharisee was a self-righteous person who took pride in always being right.

Well, was I being like a Pharisee?

Was it true that I was "always wanting to impress" others?

Anger and confusion began to rise up in my heart. I thought I had gone to Rasa as a whole person, not really needing anything. My purpose for going was to learn new things, I went as an observer, a spectator of sorts.

At that time, I didn't think there was anything seriously wrong with me. So, if Hans was going to make me begin feeling like I was blind to my true inner condition, maybe the best thing for me was to get out of that place as soon as possible. I planned on calling my husband in the morning to have him arrange a return flight for me right away.


The Rasa bell tower sounded the hour. It was 3:00 a.m. Not only had I not slept a wink, my eyes were puffy from crying.

Suddenly I realized I was in a wrestling match with God.

“Who am I really, Lord? Protect me, dear God, save me. Don’t let any harm be done to me. I cling to You now, for You are my only hope....”

Holding on to God, yet demanding to understand and hear the truth from Him. I heard myself saying these familiar words, “I will not let You go unless You bless Me.”

I was Jacob, struggling with God.

Well, it was really a God-moment. God spoke to my heart. He said, “You are safe here. You will not be harmed. I am with you.”

There was a blessing of peace that came, and I finally fell asleep.

There were no instant answers that morning, but the story of Jacob’s struggle with God became very real to me in the days that were to follow.

Three days later, at Lectio Divina during which Hans would ask us to close our eyes as we listened to him read a Bible passage to us, I was surprised to hear the very story of Jacob (Genesis 32:22-31):
And he arose that night, and took his two wives, his two female servants, and his eleven sons, and crossed over the ford of Jabbok. He took them over the brook, and sent over what he had.

Then Jacob was left alone; and a Man wrestled with him until the breaking of day. Now when He saw that He did not prevail against him, He touched the socket of his hip; and the socket of Jacob's hip was out of joint as He wrestled with him.

And He said, "Let Me go, for the day breaks." But he said, "I will not let you go unless You bless me!"

So He said to him, "What is your name?" He said, "Jacob."

And He said, "Your name shall no longer be called Jacob, but Israel; for you have struggled with God and with men, and have prevailed."

Then Jacob asked, saying, "Tell me Your name, I pray." And He said, "Why is it that you ask about My name?" And He blessed him there.

So Jacob called the name of the place Peniel: "For I have seen God face to face, and my life is preserved."

Just as he crossed over Penuel the sun rose on him, and he limped on his hip.

After listening to the story, we were instructed to allow it to "resonate" within our hearts and let God's story meet with our own life story.

The story did come alive in my heart as I re-lived it. There Jacob was, standing on the north bank of the river Jabbok... alone with his doubts, and his fears.

He knew he was at a dead end. The time had come for him to even the score with Esau, the brother he had cheated twenty years ago. This time, not only was there no place for him to hide, the stakes were much higher, too. He had two wives, eleven sons, and great possessions. He was a very rich man.

Indeed, the God who promised to bless him had kept His part of the "bargain," but Jacob knew he needed so much more than just great wealth and a quiver full of sons. He was tired of the scheming and the manipulating, of running away, and taking things into his own hands. Maybe he was looking for a sense of purpose in his life, and waiting for the fulfillment of the covenant promise God spoke to him at Bethel.

But what could he do? Despite some external changes, deep inside he was still the same Jacob -- the cheater, the supplanter. He badly needed a change of heart. He was crossing the ford for this reason: to seek the God of Abraham and Isaac.

God once again meets him at his point of need. I have heard it said that this story is about persevering in prayer. Maybe so. But the story also says that it was a real wrestling match. And in this match, Jacob knew it was "do or die", his last chance to get answers to the deep longings of his heart. He gives it his best shot.

And God, the covenant keeper, does three things.

First He brings Jacob to the end of himself, and gets him to admit who he really is before God. Jacob clings to God in weakness. "My name is Jacob, a heel-grabber, this is who I am." Jacob's desperation and humble confession move God's heart.

God changes him from inside.

Then, God gives him a new name to match the new nature. "You will no longer be called Jacob, but Israel," God says. No longer Cheat, but Prince, the Noble One.

Jacob's limp will forever remind him of this encounter. Indeed, he is a transformed man.

At one point in the story, I realized that it was no longer Jacob struggling with God, but me! And it seemed like God was also asking me my name...

That encounter led me to see many things that I never saw before. I was given the courage to admit before God who I really was, the same way Jacob did.

I had to confess that my old name was Proud, the perfectionist, always wanting to appear right, always wanting to impress. Surprisingly, admitting so was not painful anymore. On the contrary, it set me free. Free to be who God really created me to be.

God gave me a new name -- Humble.

No longer needing to pin a label on myself for others to see each time I did something good.

No longer demanding to have such high standards, not just for myself, but for others around me as well.

My new name set me free, and enabled me to set others free, from my own set of expectations.

My new name also gave me a new orientation, a new way of speaking:

Humble says, "It's okay to be good enough."

Humble says, "I accept you even when you don't measure up...because I am no longer the standard, God is."

Humble says, “I won’t try to fit life into my mold, nor will I expect people or circumstances to suit my agenda... because God is the Sovereign One over all areas of my life.”

Jesus says:

Walk with me and work with me--

watch how I do it.

Learn the unforced rhythms of grace.

I won't try to lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you.

Keep company with me

and you'll learn to live freely and lightly.

Matthew 11:29-30 (The Message)