Grief is a long, lonely road.
When a beloved husband passes away, you suddenly find yourself on this road.
It is cold, your heart feels numb, and deep inside of you is a gnawing, knotted pain that never leaves. Crying doesn't help. The heart refuses to be comforted. The silence is deafening.
And although there may be others who seem to be with you on this journey, I have realized that it is a road not meant to be shared with anyone else...except God.
The picture above could help depict what I am trying to say.
In my journey through grief, I walked alone. I knew God was there, but most of the time He was silent. I appreciated that of God. He did not intrude, He did not try to do all sorts of things to make me feel better. I just knew He was there walking with me.
I was never devastated by Ernie's death. But I had to go through the valley of grief.
Not outwardly, though. As I said, it was a private kind of pain... a journey intended for me alone.
It was the only way I could appreciate the strength that God gently infused into my heart. Yes, the healing came so gently, I was unaware of it happening.
One morning when I awoke, the song was back in my heart.
I often wish I were a writer who could adequately put into words what I have been, and am still, going through.
For me, grief was a dance... and there were times when I would see myself as a ballerina...
going through the graceful moves...
of the dance of grief.
So beautiful. So comforting.
Can anything as painful as death be so beautiful?
Yet God seemed to be whispering...can you be patient with the process?
And I was.
At first I did not want to use the word death... in referring to what happened to Ernie.
Death was a merciless enemy. I didn't want to honor its cruelty by using the word.
But then I realized, why not?
C.S. Lewis called death a severe mercy. It has become the ultimate paradox, a divine exchange.
Out of death comes life.
And the more I think about it, the more I realize that my husband and I were not unprepared for it. The reality of God's love has cushioned my heart from death's blows.
What the enemy has meant for evil, God has turned around for good.
Even death is a beautiful thing in the eyes of God...because He has redeemed its meaning for you and me.
Death is the passport to eternal life... and ultimate and complete healing and restoration only take place after we pass through death's door.
My beloved husband entered into his eternal rest when he left this earth.
Now I am discovering a new level of relating with God.
I know I have entered a new and important season of my life where I am experiencing first hand what God means when He says:
I will betroth you to Me in faithfulness,
And you shall know the LORD.
It shall come to pass in that day
That I will answer, says the LORD;
I will answer the heavens,
And they shall answer the earth.
The earth shall answer
With grain,
With new wine,
And with oil;
They shall answer Jezreel.
Then I will sow her for Myself in the earth...
- Hosea 2:20-23
Jezreel, God Will Sow, is the word of comfort that God is speaking to me in this season of recovery and moving up to the next level of my spiritual journey. And needless to say, sowing involves a kind of dying, of going into the deep earth, of taking that cold and lonely journey alone, before new life springs forth.
Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.
At the appointed time, God comes like the spring rains that water the earth.
I woke up this morning thinking of my blog friend Sandy. Last night as I was about to log off, I suddenly remembered her. Sandy is a beautiful woman with a beautiful heart. We have never met, and the truth is, I do not really visit her blog very often, just once in a while.
As I read her recent post, and the one before it, I found out that something very sad had happened in her life.
So here I am... writing this special post for my friend Sandy.
May God's comfort and strength be real to you in this season of your life.
I love you, Sandy. I know a little of what you are going through. If I were near, I would come over and sit quietly with you.
Rest in God's love.
Here is a song that was on my heart for you as I awoke:
19 comments:
Oh, I think you are a writer who can put things into words. This post spoke volumes, especially along with the winter road picture. I love how God healed you in the way you needed Him to. Quietly, and with grace. You are a woman of grace, I know from visiting here. I know, and God knows...
Thank you so much for stopping by my blog today, and for the prayers for my little cat.
I agree with Deborah Ann - you most definitely do have a gift of words, this post is incredibly moving. I'm so sorry you have had this journey of grief, but thankful you have had the "everlasting arms" of God to hold you through it.
I'm following you now and look forward to more of your wise words as I get to know you better.
Blessings, Ro
Another post that really speaks! This is so meaningful and touching. I thought the picture really displayed your words and I love the song you ended with.
Hi sister Lidj, like the previous commenters, I think you do know how to find those perfect words to express what you want to write about. Like this post.
Valleys are the deepest, darkest, painful walks in our lives. But what a comfort to know that He is there with us, going through all these trials with us. He comforted you first, so now, you are comforting others like your blogging friend.
God bless you sister Lidj and may you always be strong in His mighty power. To God be the glory! Off to work tonight, remembering His constant presence wherever we do, whatever we do. Thanks for that reminder :)
Blessings Lidj, I hope that I can only handle this new road as well as you did . . my sorrow is so deep and I know God is doing a work in me. I pray to God to do what he wants to do with me . . I know true serving is sacrifice and suffering. When our joy is taken God always restores it fully. I know my joy will come again.
So touched . . love, Sandy
Lidj, dear, you left this comment at my post recently,
"I'm listening with all my heart, Judith."
Is there any other way you do listen? I don't think so. Just one of the reasons you are so loved.
Judith
Beautiful, wonderful Lord Jesus.
He heals all of our hurts and
gives us new life again.
Such hopeful words today here.
Blessings,
Sandy
Lidj:
If I were grieving on this day, I would choose to have you sit beside me.
When we lost my mother, one of our dearest friends came, didn't speak, just put her head on my shoulder and her arm around me and quietly stood beside me... kind of like your picture of how Jesus walks through grief with us.
He has given you a beauty of His grace...
Love,
Sonja
Sandy is a wonderful and inspirational woman. I wrote a post about her also straight after "Mr. Grumpy" died. Its amazing how we have come to know him. Sandy believes in God and from what I know such belief helps alleviate the pain.
For me, belief is too easy a solution to pain.
From your response to my blog, your photos and the way you write you seem like a wonderful person. Glad to know you. Honoured you took the time to blog hop to me and to leave a note.
Take care.
What a beautiful post Lidj. Touching and sad but hopeful as well. You have a generous spirit.
I'm thankful for the peace and sureness in the Lord that you share.
Love Colleen
Dear Lidj,
Thank you for coming by. I agree with the others who commented here, you write with grace and peace. May God bless you today.
Grief as a dance, Lidj?
Only you, sweet friend, with your heart and hand in His could make it so.
You lift us up.
Sweet dreams.
What mom said. :)
"Even death is a beautiful thing in the eyes of God...because He has redeemed its meaning for you and me" Indeed! This is the power of God's truth, and the truth of God's power. Through the cold, lonely road of grief you have seen the world the way it really is. And the truth + God's presence has made you what you are. Thanks for serving as an amazing illustration of the post I just wrote, as well as my 2009 Christmas post "Death Undone."
You wrote: "Death is the passport to eternal life... and ultimate and complete healing and restoration only takes place after we pass through death's door." Only God could do that!
Lidj, I am so glad I stopped by yur post today. I have feared for so long that the Lord will place me on this lonely road as my husband deals with the ups and downs of needing a heart transplant. But over time as I read blogs such as yours that have shared the journey of the loss of a loved one I have become less fearful. Thank you from my heart. Dee
Wow you have described grief in an amazing way that clearly puts it in God's light. Thanks for visiting my blog.
may the Lord bless you and keep you...
Pam
Dear Lidj,
The enigma of death, grief and everlasting life, stillis not quite clear to me.
I do believe, because I see no other option.
I do believe what my senses cannot understand.
Saija over at Through a glass darkly, has posted a beautiful song there, that I've never read or heard before.
If you have time, I recommend a visit to her place.
She is so dear to me.
So are you.
From Felisol
You are a wonderful friend to have. It can be hard to comfort another with the death of a loved one. But you shared a bit of what it was like for you. And I'm so glad you allowed yourself the time to go through your grieving. Too often people don't like the feelings of sadness or loneliness and try to erase them. It's wise to go through them slowly as you must.
Thank you for your kind words on Heart Choices today. I love to think of God as our perfect Husband. He can ease our pain and fill our hearts with His perfect love.
Blessings and love,
Debbie
There is nothing more comforting than a friend to sit quietly with and be - it takes a spirit of hospitality to make silence feel like a comfortable home - and it all comes from within.
I agree with all your commenters. You so express beautiful what our hearts cannot do!
Lidg, dear,
Thank you for your thoughts left at my last post. I have had computer issues so please excuse my delay in responding to your thoughtful comments.
"Evan" (better to keep calling him that) said 2 things when he answered the phone that first time. The first was "our divorce was my fault, not your mother's" which endeared him to me almost immediately. That was what he hoped for. And while that certainly wasn't an evil hope, he did know how to say the right things. Sadly, he refused to DO the right things.
The second thing he said was that he had tried to find me. There is a small story to that but it's something better shared one on one and not in blog land!
I have reread some of this more recent post which is tender and God glorifying. Clearly, it has touched so many people. While on my last chemo, I had a season of worrying how my husband would handle my being gone. Seeing how God has led you reminds me that God will meet us where we are.
I love your courage and determination to share your heart.
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