(An excerpt from my Grief Journal.)
Next month, on November 23, it will be sixteen years since Ernie went home to heaven.
It also marks my sixteenth year as a widow.
That's truly amazing, noting those numbers. On paper, they are mere numbers. In real life, sixteen years translates to about five thousand eight hundred forty days.
It also marks my sixteenth year as a widow.
That's truly amazing, noting those numbers. On paper, they are mere numbers. In real life, sixteen years translates to about five thousand eight hundred forty days.
That's how long I have lived life without my husband by my side.
Which only goes to show that there's life after widowhood. And yes, I have survived.
There are many thoughts going through my mind as I write these lines. Going back to the initial days of life without Ernie. Celebrating important family events minus the patriarch of our little clan. Included now in our celebrations would be the visits to his grave at the memorial park. It may sound bittersweet, but yes, we have also celebrated his birthday and the day he left earth as important parts of our annual family remembering.
There are many thoughts going through my mind as I write these lines. Going back to the initial days of life without Ernie. Celebrating important family events minus the patriarch of our little clan. Included now in our celebrations would be the visits to his grave at the memorial park. It may sound bittersweet, but yes, we have also celebrated his birthday and the day he left earth as important parts of our annual family remembering.
Life's like that. There are events to remember, events we never allow ourselves to forget. Not that we have to. We want to remember. Because in remembering, we show honor, respect, and appreciation for the legacy that he has left behind.
I know I have often said this, there's beauty in remembering. It reminds us that there are persons who have gone ahead on whose shoulders we stand. It keeps us humble to acknowledge that we owe other people the thanksgiving for what they have contributed to what we are today. And Ernie, for one, has certainly done much to mold me and shape me into what I am today.
He is one of God's best gifts to me. God let me enjoy him for thirty-two years (one year as his friend, 1976-1977, one year as his fiancée, 1977-1978, and thirty years as his wife, 1978-2008). I could have wished for more years with him, but those years are enough. I fully trust God's timing in everything.
I know I have often said this, there's beauty in remembering. It reminds us that there are persons who have gone ahead on whose shoulders we stand. It keeps us humble to acknowledge that we owe other people the thanksgiving for what they have contributed to what we are today. And Ernie, for one, has certainly done much to mold me and shape me into what I am today.
He is one of God's best gifts to me. God let me enjoy him for thirty-two years (one year as his friend, 1976-1977, one year as his fiancée, 1977-1978, and thirty years as his wife, 1978-2008). I could have wished for more years with him, but those years are enough. I fully trust God's timing in everything.
The sixteen years of widowhood have been God's amazing tools for me "to be and to become."
In 1975, I graduated from university with a bachelor's degree in Journalism. Philosophy was my minor. I write this to explain that after reading a number of philosophical works during my university years, I ended up with one favorite, and that was Soren Kierkegaard. His treatise on being and becoming emphasized that becoming is the progression from non-being to being, where non-being is possibility and being is actuality.
He also taught that the real aim or purpose of life is to achieve true individuality, which he calls selfhood; however, it is also true that there are people who exist at a level below true selfhood.
Reading these ideas at a time when I was still a new believer in Christ just blew my mind away. And the idea of being and becoming has stayed with me all through the years that I discovered more and more of what it means to be a genuine Christ follower.
As I reflect on the past sixteen years of my life as a widow, I realize that this season of my life was ordained by my heavenly Father to put me on the journey that Soren Kierkegaard spoke about.
Indeed, it has all been an amazing road to travel.
There are many things that can never be shared openly on this public media. However, I am free to talk about the emotions that went with them. During my past years, I have struggled with the realization that Ernie left me with certain burdens that have weighed me down... issues that only a few close friends know of. For the most part of the past years, I have lived with uncertainty and fear. On the surface I laughed and smiled, and many did not know about the private battle going on inside.
It was a journey of learning to trust God with the outcome of my faith. At this point, I fully understand what it means when I say, the burden of outcome is not mine to carry. But I did not know that then.
Reading these ideas at a time when I was still a new believer in Christ just blew my mind away. And the idea of being and becoming has stayed with me all through the years that I discovered more and more of what it means to be a genuine Christ follower.
As I reflect on the past sixteen years of my life as a widow, I realize that this season of my life was ordained by my heavenly Father to put me on the journey that Soren Kierkegaard spoke about.
Indeed, it has all been an amazing road to travel.
There are many things that can never be shared openly on this public media. However, I am free to talk about the emotions that went with them. During my past years, I have struggled with the realization that Ernie left me with certain burdens that have weighed me down... issues that only a few close friends know of. For the most part of the past years, I have lived with uncertainty and fear. On the surface I laughed and smiled, and many did not know about the private battle going on inside.
It was a journey of learning to trust God with the outcome of my faith. At this point, I fully understand what it means when I say, the burden of outcome is not mine to carry. But I did not know that then.
For years I cried out to God, I believe, Lord, help my unbelief.
Suddenly, in the 70th year of my life, God gave me the freedom I never knew was coming. In my fifteenth year as a widow, I experienced what triple grace felt like. Five is the number of grace, and three times five equals fifteen. Yes, triple grace operating in my life felt awesome.
So this post comes at a beautiful time. Fifteen is coming to an end, sixteen feels like a new beginning.
Now it is clear to me, widowhood was God's gift to me, but probably not in the same way that marriage to Ernie was a gift. Widowhood was a bittersweet journey, it was bitter and sweet in its various stages.
I write about this in a blog I wrote last year: A Door of Hope in the Wilderness
Suddenly, in the 70th year of my life, God gave me the freedom I never knew was coming. In my fifteenth year as a widow, I experienced what triple grace felt like. Five is the number of grace, and three times five equals fifteen. Yes, triple grace operating in my life felt awesome.
So this post comes at a beautiful time. Fifteen is coming to an end, sixteen feels like a new beginning.
Now it is clear to me, widowhood was God's gift to me, but probably not in the same way that marriage to Ernie was a gift. Widowhood was a bittersweet journey, it was bitter and sweet in its various stages.
I write about this in a blog I wrote last year: A Door of Hope in the Wilderness
Before I end, let me take time to explain why I chose the photo above. It is a photo of the Niederhorn, a portion of the Alps in the Bernese Oberland in Switzerland. It was taken in the summer season. This photo strikes me as significant because I had visited this place in June of 1997, and it was late spring, not quite summer yet. It is a lovely place in the Alps, it reminded me so much of heaven.
And now, years later... here I am at the summer of my journey, which started in winter, progressed through spring, and now, it is summer. The perspective from which I view the past events allows me to understand that what happened needed to happen to bring me to where I am today. God alone knows best.
And now, years later... here I am at the summer of my journey, which started in winter, progressed through spring, and now, it is summer. The perspective from which I view the past events allows me to understand that what happened needed to happen to bring me to where I am today. God alone knows best.
My journey to being and becoming continues. I do not want to live at a level below true selfhood, never reaching the purpose that God created me for. I want to become who He wants me to be. Widowhood is a gift I didn't ask for. But in many ways, being a widow has strengthened my faith, and revealed to me abilities that I wouldn't have known I had if I had not become a widow. The journey to true selfhood I believe includes contending for the destiny that God has prepared for me. The enemy throws hurdles and stumbling blocks to derail me, but I must press on. If this is the way God has chosen for my best life to happen, then I know it is the best way. And for that I am grateful!
Many times, I find myself in deep worship, in awe at the marvelous purposes and plans of Abba Father for me. He holds the chisel that refines my rough edges. He presses the olives to extract the oil, the grapes to produce the wine... so many beautiful illustrations of what widowhood is meant to work out in me.
A dear friend named Anna Marie said, just a few weeks after her husband Manolo died unexpectedly three years ago,
Many times, I find myself in deep worship, in awe at the marvelous purposes and plans of Abba Father for me. He holds the chisel that refines my rough edges. He presses the olives to extract the oil, the grapes to produce the wine... so many beautiful illustrations of what widowhood is meant to work out in me.
A dear friend named Anna Marie said, just a few weeks after her husband Manolo died unexpectedly three years ago,
How precious it must have been for the Father to have His sons come home. Just as it was when William and Ernie received their crowns. It is in this that I take my comfort for Manolo wasn’t mine to keep. He was God’s. I am learning to thank God for the years I had to enjoy him. It doesn’t mean that I don’t miss him immensely but God gave us 27 years together that were fruitful and full of adventure. I will my heart to be satisfied.
Those words struck a deep chord in my heart. I have grieved for Ernie's death, but to hear my friend say these words just brings me to a higher place of wonder. Oh yes... it is possible in the midst of deep pain to will our hearts to be satisfied.
Below I have posted a song by David Meece entitled, In My Brokenness. It is a worship song in the midst of pain. And I close this post with these beautiful words from the Song of Solomon 2: 11-13, The Passion Translation. They are beautiful and appropriate for the season I am in.
The season has changed, the bondage of your barren winter has ended, and the season of hiding is over and gone. The rains have soaked the earth and left it bright with blossoming flowers. The season for singing and pruning the vines has arrived. I hear the cooing of doves in our land, filling the air with songs to awaken you and guide you forth. Can you not discern this new day of destiny breaking forth around you? The early signs of my purposes and plans are bursting forth. The budding vines of new life are now blooming everywhere. The fragrance of their flowers whispers, “There is change in the air.” Arise, my love, my beautiful companion, and run with me to the higher place. For now is the time to arise and come away with me.
3 comments:
An uplifting post. I am glad I found you.
This is just so beautiful, Lidj. How I love to read your posts slowly trying to grasp the profound insights you have garnered. I will turn 70 next year and I pray that the Lord blesses me with a word like this. Definitely going to share this with 2 friends grieving the loss of soulmates. Thank you again, Lidia 🙏and May His comfort embrace you today. Much love, thoughts and prayers.
Beautiful photo and lovely post. God bless you 🙏 I wish you good health, happiness and peace. Warm greetings from a retired lady living in Montreal, Canada ❤️ 😊 🇨🇦
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