Reality Check: Edited Version

We do not write in order to be understood;

we write in order to understand.

- C.S. Lewis

(Note: This is an edited version of the original post.)

Today, being Christmas morning, I want to take time to write a special Christmas blog entry.

In this post, I have included the events of the past weeks as a backdrop for what happened last night, Christmas Eve...written from my perspective.

Does anyone care to know?

Maybe you do. So dear blog friend, if you happen to find yourself reading my lines, I ask you to read on and keep me company...



I was in Manila for the last two weeks of November.

My last visit before the year ended, this two-week stay in Manila was brief but quite fruitful. Although I was sick when I arrived, the peaceful atmosphere of my father's home provided a healing environment for me, and within two days, my health was restored. Not only was I able to spend time with dear friends one on one, I was able to join the Christmas party of my CBSI friends whom I had just recently met in September during the six week Bible study module that I attended. I also had the opportunity to be at the funeral of Gina's mom, and in this way, was able to spend some time with Gina and Alberto and their family.

Before I left, there was enough time for me to tend to our garden, as well as to apply a fresh coat of paint on our front gate. I was also able to buy all the Christmas gifts for every member of my family without rushing. I returned to Bacolod City on December 1 with a sense of accomplishment.

Upon arriving in my home city, we braced for tropical cyclone Bopha which was forecast to hit our islands by December 4. It was a Category 5 cyclone, and the weather news warned us that this was  no ordinary typhoon. The news of this typhoon reached us on the last day of November (Philippine time), a few hours after the Philippine ambassador to the United Nations cast a vote in favor of granting the Palestinians in Israel "non member or observer status" in the UN.

Many intercessors for Israel believe that there is a connection between these two events. Our country braced for the worst.

Three of us were scheduled to conduct an Ancient Paths seminar with the Impact World Tour and Cebu House of Prayer in Cebu City, located on another island in the central part of our country, on the same day (December 4) that Bopha was forecast to hit central Philippines. The typhoon hit the southern islands of our country with intensity, and left a sad story of destruction and devastation in its wake. However, as it was nearing our region, Bopha changed its course, veering toward the south of our island. Bacolod City, as well as Cebu City, were spared.

The seminar was well received, and we are grateful to God for the healing breakthroughs that we experienced.

We took the early flight back to Bacolod City on December 7.

My daughter Obedient One had arrived from Manila the night before; December 7 was her birthday.

It was a full day. Since this was the first time in six years that Obedient One was home on her birthday, my real desire was for our family to celebrate it in a special way. We ended up having a simple informal lunch at Pepe's Restaurant... not really the way I wanted it.

From lunch, my daughter and I went to the beauty parlor to have our hair done for Kristine's wedding that same afternoon. There was just enough time for us to rest a bit before having to get dressed.

Kristine's wedding was beautiful. There was overflowing food, and it was obvious that all the guests were having fun, but because I was up very early that day for our flight from Cebu, I really had very little energy left to enjoy it.

The next day, Obedient and I went  around town doing some errands together and also looking for special cakes and foodstuff that she wanted to buy before returning to Manila that evening.

After my daughter's brief two-day visit, I realized that there were only two more weeks left before Christmas. There were no more weddings to attend, no more seminars to conduct. I could now give my full attention to the home front. My garden needed a lot of attention, so did our home. The next two weeks were spent pruning, re-potting, weeding, scrubbing the stone floors in the garden, harvesting the compost, and cultivating the soil around the plants. Elijah's toys seem to have taken over our house, and for many days, his mom and I spent our days doing a general cleaning. In the meantime, we were also doing our Christmas shopping, and planning the Christmas menu. Our living room seat covers and quilts had to be washed. Rugs needed to be taken out to be aired and brushed clean.

Putting up the Christmas tree required me to do it in stages.

For several days, I prepared dozens of granola bars to give away as Christmas presents to my friends.

Above all, this year our family decided that we were going to celebrate it in a different way. In years past, we would all gather for a Christmas Eve dinner at the home of Ernie's sister. Ever since we got married, Christmas Eve was spent with his parents and sister's family.

Now that my two sons are both married and have their own families, we all felt that it is good to start our own family tradition of celebrating Christmas on our own.

I did look forward to it as this is the very first time that we were going to do it as a family.

We planned the special menu for the dinner. It seemed that everyday we were going to the grocery to buy food. Two days before, Worshiper bought a special leg of ham. Early yesterday morning, Chosen One and I went to the market to buy the remaining ingredients for our Christmas fare.

Obedient One arrived on the 22nd. Madorra, Chosen One's mom arrived on the dawn flight yesterday morning. She is a good cook, and had already agreed to cook the callos, a really special dish for many Filipino homes at Christmas. I prepared the spring rolls to go with it. There was a lot of work but it was going to be worth it all. I set the Christmas table, making sure everything was ready for Christmas Eve dinner.

Before we left for the 6 o'clock Christmas eve service at our church, I took time to wrap the gifts I had bought in Manila for my children and grandchildren.

We came home from church at around 7:30 p.m. Obedient and I wrapped the spring rolls in special rice paper, while Madorra did the final touches on the callos, and Worshiper sliced the ham and put it in the oven to warm. Chosen One sliced the cheese for her cheese platter.

First Born and God given, who live next door to us, came over with a box of special cheesecake.

Finally, the meal was ready, and we all sat down to eat it, our first Christmas Eve dinner together as a whole family.

After the meal, I went to my room to get my gifts, as I had not finished doing the tags on each one.

We were getting ready for our family picture taking, and our family gift opening, when something came up. Something that really took me by surprise....

It turned out that there was a change of plans from what we had all originally agreed upon. There was another Christmas Eve dinner that some members of my family had also planned to attend that evening.

I just didn't know what to feel then.

Maybe I should have kept quiet about my feelings... kept it all to myself.... the way I had done so many times before... keeping my disappointment to myself... trying to understand... wanting to be a mother and mother in law without demands or expectations. Rationalizing to myself, saying that "they have their own lives now... I am not in the picture anymore. I must give them room... and freedom to be themselves."

I could just have sweetly smiled and said, "Oh, is that so... well, okay..."

But I felt so sad. I really wanted to burst into tears right then and there.

Because the truth is that ever since my husband Ernie died four years ago, Christmas celebration also lost all its glitter for me.

Please do not misunderstand. Ernie is not my idol. And the birth of Jesus, my Savior, my Redeemer, and Lord, is very important to me.

But after Ernie passed away, I have begun looking at Christmas in a different light.

Ernie loved Christmas. As early as October, he would already begin playing his Christmas music collection. He has a wide assortment of Christmas music, from jazz, to classical, to choral... Filipino, Spanish, American... name it, he had it.

If Ernie had his way, we would put up the Christmas tree in October.

That is why I miss my husband very much during Christmas. It was his favorite season of all.

For this reason, spending Christmas Eve with his sisters and their families, is a tradition I did not really want to let go of. Spending Christmas with Suzette and Vito helps me celebrate Christmas the way Ernie and I did.

But now that Ernie is gone, a huge part of me also wants to just celebrate this season in my own quiet but meaningful way.

But, for the sake of my generations, of building family memories, of leaving behind a legacy of meaningful celebration, I have celebrated the season in a special way with family. But honestly, I was merely going through the motions.

Does anyone reading this understand my heart? Can anyone relate?

I was hurt and didn't want to hide it. I threw the gifts I was holding on the floor and said, "What's the point in all this. I thought we had agreed to celebrate Christmas as a family... now why am I being taken by surprise, why the sudden change in plans..."

Worshiper called me to my room and gently spoke with me. He said, "Mom, it's okay. Don't ruin the evening for all of us. Pacify yourself."

Of course I got the point. I am not a person who throws tantrums just to have my way. I went back to the living room to have our family pictures taken. Then a few family members immediately left for the other Christmas Eve dinner.

The rest of us did our best to make the most of the evening - we took more pictures, gave one another gifts, and we opened a few more from the gifts under the tree.

There was a pile of plates, and pots, and glasses waiting to be washed. All the leftover food was still on the table. I knew everyone was tired, and so was I.

But I knew the others were more tired than I was. Besides, my heart was churning deep inside...  a very good excuse for me to clean everything up until the kitchen was spic and span.

All the while I could not keep the tears from falling.



Well, it's been more than a month since I last posted here.

The hymn Through the Love of God which I posted at the end of my last blog entry ends with these words:

We expect a bright tomorrow

All will be well

Faith can sing through days of sorrow

All, all is well.

On our Father's love relying

Jesus every need supplying,

Or in living, or in dying

All must be well.

I suppose that sooner or later, I will be able to sing this song with all my heart again.

But for now I am writing this post with tears in my eyes and a broken heart.

And I am just tired... too tired of trying to make things work... too tired of trying to make things beautiful... for everyone.

I am not blaming anyone for what happened.

I am sure that nobody intended to do anything bad, or wrong.

But it can't be denied - I have received a deep relational message that my plans and wishes for this Christmas did not matter... that my desire to have a meaningful family celebration was not given the same value that I had given it... and this has deeply wounded my heart.

I grew up in a family that celebrates special events. Meaningful celebration is a way of life for me. Ernie was that way too.

Celebrating is my love language.

For now, I just need someone to speak this language to me.

I have not slept a wink since last night, and my eyes are swollen from crying. I have not cried this way for a long, long time.

My prayer is that my heavenly Father will come and embrace me and heal my heart. Somehow, I believe that He can redeem  this 2012 Christmas for me, and turn it into something beautiful and meaningful in the days to come.

This Christmas 2012, dear blog reader, may you be blessed.