Freedom to Be

After a night of gentle rain, I went to my garden and took this shot of my asparagus napoleon.








It is not revolutions and upheavals
That clear the road to new and better days,
But revelations, lavishness and torments
Of someone's soul, inspired and ablaze.

- from After the Storm by Boris Pasternak

This is my first official post for November, although on my last post I had already shared some of the feelings that this month evokes in me.


On November 1, our extended family gathered for breakfast at the memorial park. Our extended family includes Ernie's sisters, nieces, nephews, and their respective families.

All Saints' Day, as we call it, is a special feast we observe to remember our loved ones who have already departed from this life. Many go to the cemeteries and memorial parks to light a candle, bring flowers, and to pray for the eternal repose of their dead loved ones. It is also often an occasion for family gatherings around food, stories, and...laughter.

In our case, we do not pray for those who have gone before us. We believe that the choice of one's eternal destination is made while we are still alive. So, there really is no need to offer prayers for their eternal rest. My husband, my mother in law, and father in law all made the choice long before they died, to honor Jesus as their Lord, and for this, the promise of heaven is sure. We already know where they went when their earthly lives ended.

So, when we pray, it is to thank the Father for their lives, their good examples, the legacy they have left behind. We want to remember.

November 2 was Ernie's birthday. He would have been 64. We celebrated the day by eating lunch at Ernie's favorite restaurant, Bob's. He would always have a giant hamburger and chicken mami, a tasty soup with noodles, shredded chicken, and chopped spring onions. On this day, Ernie's oldest nephew Vince and his wife Rhea joined us. We really had a wonderful time together.

November 5 was Worshiper's 28th birthday. Worshiper is my second son. We marked this special event by having a mid morning meal at another favorite restaurant - Bob's Cafe and Deli.

In just a few days, Worshiper's wife, Chosen One, will give birth to their first born. We are all awaiting this day with eager expectation.

Gentle and humble November... this in-between month, coming right after sun-drenched summer and quiet winter... but for our family, it has turned out to be a very special season. Full of beautiful memories, and now the promise of new life.

I love how Boris Pasternak puts it: it's not the revolutions and upheavals that clear the road to new and better days but revelations... of someone's soul, inspired and ablaze.

Russian authors have always been at the top of my favorites - Chekov, Solzhenitsyn, Brodsky, Dostoevsky... they are able to put the bittersweet human experience into words. And in these lines, Pasternak couldn't have expressed it more beautifully. It is the revelations of someone's soul that clear the road.

A blog friend, Rebecca of Life and Godliness asked me,

I wonder if the months since Ernie died have gone slowly or fast - or BOTH? Your grief is still fresh in many ways. Be patient with yourself.

Her question made me think. And I guess it is to be expected that the months have gone quickly, in a sense... but they also moved slowly at times. Rebecca has a heart of insight. She doesn't say much, but she understands. And just by reading between the lines I have written, she has sensed that the grief is still fresh in many ways.

The amazing thing that strikes me after thinking about what she wrote is that I have truly been very patient with myself. Too patient, it seems. I still have not landed myself the job that I want to do, although being the breadwinner for myself now, I should be seriously looking into this. After all, it's nearly two years already.

If there is anything these past two years has shown me, it's this: my life has not really followed a clear path...

I was reading Bong's blog this morning where he wrote about his experience of a solitary run that he did a few days ago. I was able to identify with what he wrote. These past 24 months I have been on a solitary run, not following a specific course, but going off on different trails and discovering so much freedom and beauty in the process.

Someone's soul...inspired, and ablaze.

That is how I see myself. Never did I feel during the past months that my life has ceased to have meaning or hope. Ernie was a vital part of me, but I did not die with him. That much was clear to me. Something beautiful came to an end, and a huge part of me still misses the warmth of our relationship, the beauty of his person, the kindness of his heart... never to be found again in any other person... But my life did not end when he died.

On the contrary, there was a sense of newness, a deep well of hope inside my heart that I became increasingly aware of in the days and weeks after his homegoing.

I remember clearly writing in one blog post - I don't want to keep talking about it...to draw attention to myself... But in expressing how I feel, I know the ground is being cleared up... I want to find that sense of direction, that path... and keep walking.

I am on my solitary run - and at the moment, the direction is not crystal clear.

There is a road ahead but many trails beckon, calling out to me... and this is to me a season of discovering who I really am, and what I really want.


It is worth mentioning that a number of my fellow blog authors have also helped clear the way.

Some friends of mine don't understand what blogging is all about. They think it's not worth the risk... saying so much on the web.

In a way, they are right. But I don't want to blog about mere surface issues. What's the point of doing that? It would just be a waste of time for me if I did that. I believe that if you have a message burning on your heart, then it's a message that needs to be released, and shared. It is a risk worth taking.

And truth be said, I'm the one who has been enriched by those who, like me, have decided to take the risk. I have discovered that blog authors who have willingly shared of their insights and revelations have helped clear the road for new and better days ahead. Certain blogs are like fountains of water to a traveler...trees providing cool shade... a roadside bench looking over a lovely valley... a mountain spring... a hillside of flowers... a table with freshly baked bread and a jug of fresh milk... a cup of coffee or tea...always inviting, always welcoming.


As the days and the weeks of this month move on, I am looking forward to another grandson. His name is Elijah...but in my heart he already has another name... he is Full of Hope. For he comes at a season when God is pouring so much hope into my life.


These days I am not driven by schedules, or must-dos.

I have been patient, much too patient with myself... but I've been enjoying this season of my life. Just taking it easy. Not having too many demands upon myself.

What has helped me the most is to have people around me who understand...and who have given me breathing space, a broad place on which to stand.

Thank you....thank you for giving me the freedom to be. I am truly grateful. The love you have shown has been a crucial part of my healing journey. I cannot express it any other way. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

(I will be posting some pictures for this entry later tonight.)

Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.

- Proverbs 3:5-6

Dawn sky, taken from the pre-departure lounge of the Bacolod airport, a few minutes before I boarded my flight to Manila
October 27, 2010