Chiang Mai on My Mind

I took this photo of a lovely pink chrysanthemum on Doi Suthep,

a very memorable place in Chiang Mai for me.
May 19, 2015

In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me

there lay an invincible summer.

- Albert Camus

Seven years ago, I had absolutely no idea that there was such a place as Chiang Mai. If anyone mentioned Thailand to me, I knew next to nothing about it, except that its capital was Bangkok, and that Phuket was one of its tourist destinations.

In 2007, my husband Ernie was given a special assignment by the West Negros University, and that was to go to Chiang Mai for a year to do the groundwork for Maejo University's International MBA program, upon the invitation of President Dr. Thep Phongparnich.

Ernie accepted the assignment and arrived in Chiang Mai, Thailand in August of that year; I followed him a month later.

It was a new place, with people of a different culture and language, and we didn't really know what to expect. All we were sure of was that it was an assignment from heaven. Our hearts were open and ready for anything.

Within the first few months we had somehow adjusted to the new environment. English was not widely spoken, but because we were in an academic community, we managed fairly well.

Chiang Mai, called "the rose of the North," certainly deserved its name. We considered being there a privilege, a unique learning experience for both of us, and we were grateful for the many realizations. (Read more about this in my March 9, 2008 blog entry entitled Homesick.)

Thirteen months later, in September 2008, Ernie's work contract came to an end. Dr. Thep invited him to continue on for another year, but feeling the need for us to return to our homeland, Ernie declined the offer. 

I, however, left Chiang Mai with mixed emotions, for the truth is that in just twelve months, I had so fallen in love with the place, and the people.

Especially the people.

Read Farewell, Chiang Mai September 28, 2008

So, what do I love about Chiang Mai?

I love the beauty...

the sense of abundance...

the generosity, the kindness, and the gentleness of the Thai friends we have made in the short period that Ernie and I lived there.

But there is another reason why I so love Chiang Mai.

Six weeks after Ernie and I arrived back in the Philippines, I woke up early one morning, rushed Ernie to the Emergency Room, and two hours later, I had become a widow.

No words suffice to describe the pain and the loneliness, a wound so deep no human being could medicate...

the deafening silence...

For months, there was nothing but numbness in my heart.

This was not part of our plans. Ernie would retire. We would enjoy our grandchildren. We would spend the rest of our lives together.

And I certainly wasn't prepared for this. After all, how does one prepare for widowhood?


But over time, healing did come. Gradually, I got used to my new normal.

And today, seven years later, I must wholeheartedly agree that God's ways are not our ways, God's thoughts are not our thoughts.

He alone knows best.

He is indeed too wise to be mistaken... too good to be unkind.

Back then, I could not see His plan... so what choice did I have but to trust His hand?

Nevertheless, I did not turn my back on the grief.  Nor did it become the center of my focus.

Rather, I faced it head on and carried it with dignity and grace.

Shall I receive only joy, and not sorrow?

Here was yet another opportunity to trust God... and to find hope.


One morning I realized... the song was back.

Photo taken by Ut

Truth is, all this time I never walked alone.

God's heart is unfathomable, and until we see Him face to face, we can only see or understand in part. Yet I am grateful for the glimpse I have been given of His beautiful plan.

One of the reasons Chiang Mai is so special to me is that it was the place where Ernie and I spent the last year of his life together.

Little did I know, when we were packing up our things and preparing to leave the comforts of our own home to live in another country, that it would be our last twelve months together. 

But God knew.

And He wanted it to be a special year, in a special place, with special people.

God gave me the best gift, that's for sure.

That is the reason I love Chiang Mai so much: it was a special part of a beautiful plan. 

In January 2010, I received an invitation from my Thai friends Teerapong and Angkab to visit Chiang Mai. At first I was reluctant to go. My heart had not yet healed from the deep wound of losing a loved one. I didn't think I was ready to visit the place that held so many precious memories about Ernie.

On the other hand, a part of me wanted to go back, and to bring things to a closure. 

I decided to be brave.

On January 2010, I went back to Chiang Mai, calling it my Sentimental Journey.

We all have stories to tell. Sometimes, a kind soul is willing to listen to our stories. But eventually, they will get tired. Maybe they will listen, but only up to a certain point.

But there is Someone who is genuinely interested in listening to our stories... that Someone is the One writing the story.

I realized that during the year Ernie and I spent in Chiang Mai from 2007 to 2008, God was writing a very beautiful ending to Ernie's life story.

What touches me deeply as I look back, is that in His compassion and wisdom, God chose Chiang Mai as the setting for the final chapters of Ernie's life.

Isn't that such an awesome thing?

During my flight from Bangkok to Chiang Mai on January 7, 2010, I was busy writing in my journal my memories of Ernie's final year. What a precious time it was, to let my thoughts come rushing in, like cleansing waters washing over my soul.

Read Sentimental Journey, January 7, 2010

That journey back to Chiang Mai had a crucial part to play in my grieving process. I re-traced the steps I had taken, visiting the places that meant so much to Ernie and me.

Seeing those places again brought back beautiful memories with a tinge of pain.

But in doing so, a layer of healing took place.

Rebecca King, a dear blog friend, wrote me these beautiful words:

"Sometimes the journey back carries with it the journey out as well. Our willingness to face our past - both its joy and sorrow - becomes our freedom, wings to the new day."

Rebecca called it my double-edged adventure.

Rebecca's words were so true. That journey back did become my journey out... and gave me my wings back to the new day of freedom.

God gave me an amazing dream during that first journey back to Chiang Mai. I vaguely recall the details of the dream, but when I re-read the account as recorded on my blog, even I am amazed at how much my heavenly Father loved me to speak so tenderly to me through that dream.

Read Jewels On My Crown, January 9, 2010

It was not only a sentimental journey, it was also very much a healing journey for me.

The following year, 2011, in January, my friends invited me to visit Chiang Mai again. My daughter Obedient One came with me. 

It was a beautiful time with beautiful friends. Again, another layer of God's healing balm was applied to my soul. God is certainly wise in choosing the right time, the right people, and the right place, to accomplish His purposes.

Read The Inadequacy of Words, January 16, 2011


Chiang Mai was not only the setting for the final chapter of Ernie's life. It is also the place God chose to bring about my healing.

Four years have passed since I last visited Chiang Mai. Ut and Oy would have wanted for me to visit them every year, but it was not possible.

In January this year our family was awaiting the birth of my fourth grandchild. It was not the right time for me to go to Thailand.

But a few months later God opened a window of opportunity to visit my friends again. What an unexpected surprise it was for me when our plans materialized, and I found myself traveling back to Chiang Mai just over a week ago.

I believe God has a timely message for me when He allowed me to visit Chiang Mai this year, not in winter, but in the summer.

Photo taken by Ut

The past months I have been experiencing a kind of spiritual dryness. Maybe lethargy is the better word.

Hungering for the sweetness of God's presence, thirsting for the rains of heaven to fall on me.

A deep longing in my heart for more of God.

I know Abba Father hears my unspoken prayers. 

The visit to Chiang Mai has once again convinced me of my Father's love and care. My friends Ut and Oy went out of their way to be gracious to me and my daughter... Their kindness to us has filled my heart with gladness and appreciation...

I was in Chiang Mai for a full 8 days. What I realized during this trip is that there was no more sadness in my heart. 

In my heart is a special place reserved for Ernie alone, and I will always miss my husband. But I have come to terms with my loss, and I am just looking forward to living the rest of my days in full anticipation of what lies ahead.

It felt so good to be given another opportunity to look back at the past... and be at peace.

My heart overflows with hope!

Photo taken by Ut

I just love this quote above from Albert Camus: In the depth of winter I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.

The next line of that quote explains it beautifully: ... no matter how hard the world pushes against me, within me there is something stronger--something better, pushing right back.

The idea of having an invincible summer inside of me pushing right back at whatever this world throws at me is such a powerful picture of God's enabling grace.

Grace is often thought of as gentle... but I also think of the grace of God as having great strength and power.

I want to be all that God wants me to be... and many times, that requires of me a willingness to fight back against mediocrity, against worldliness.

While the rest of the world buys the devil's lies to settle for something way below the greatness they were created for, I choose to go against the flow. No, I do not want to live my life that way.

This year's trip to Chiang Mai has indeed convinced me of many things: 

That life can be simple, yet profound and beautiful and meaningful.

That kindness can be given without expecting anything in return.

That generosity can be its own reward.

That there are people who can accept me as I am, without the cover up of make up, or fancy clothes.

That I can let my raw inner beauty, together with my imperfections, shine through, and still be appreciated.

That sometimes, we need to be willing to receive love from others, in the way they are best able to express it.


Many more thoughts come rushing to the surface even as I write these words.

Father God is showing me the beauty of a life that is uncluttered and unfettered.

I hear Him whisper, Daughter, watch how I do it... learn the unforced rhythms of grace.

And how right He is! My heart rebels against materialism of any form.

For many years now, living as a widow, I have learned that money in my bank account is not the main consideration for my choices.

Fear of lack is not a factor I contend with.

In the autumn of my life, at 62, I have learned the difference between spending and investing.

Many times the money I spend for something is not really an expense, but an investment.

The same is true for time... or the giving of oneself.

My decision to go to Thailand was made for one main reason... I wanted to invest in time with my dear friends. To re-connect with them. To give of myself to deepen the friendship.

My friends also gave much of themselves. 

We are on the same page... we understand that our friendship is worth investing in.


Money is not the currency of heaven, but love... joy... peace.

Of course, I learned this lesson first hand from my own earthly father, the first person I know who gave of himself without expecting in return.

He did not allow his wallet to dictate what he could do, or not do, for others.

My father had such a refreshing, gracious air of freedom about him.

And in God's act of goodness to me, He gave me another man who had the same philosophy in life as my own father. My husband Ernie gave of himself without expecting to be praised, appreciated, or paid back.

My heart bleeds and breaks when people do kind things for me, and then they make sure I never forget. 

Not God.

God demonstrates His own love for us in that while we were yet sinners His own Son Jesus Christ died for us.

I am so grateful to Abba Father that He continually gives my heart refreshing waters to keep it soft and vulnerable. Reminding me that I was designed to live my life as a free man... not as a slave.


Indeed, this month of May has been such a beautiful one for me. And it's not even over yet. Beautiful things are in store.

There are many wonderful photos of my recent trip to Thailand and I will be posting them in another entry.

For now, I just want to use words to paint a beautiful picture of what God is doing deep inside of me.

Blessed are those who mourn

for they will be comforted.

- Matthew 5:4

... a Defender of widows

is God in His holy habitation.

- Psalm 68:5

Aside from what I have written, the song below probably best expresses it.