Winter Wilderness
And you shall remember that the Lord your God
led you all the way these forty years in the wilderness,
to humble you and test you, to know what was in your heart,
whether you would keep His commandments or not.
- Deuteronomy 8:2
As iron sharpens iron,
So a man sharpens the countenance of his friend.
- Proverbs 27:17
The month of January is about to end. I am writing a brief post which I'm afraid will not be as well-thought-out and as coherent as I would want it to be.
But there are just some thoughts that I want written down as part of my spiritual journey.
It's been two weeks since I arrived here in my homeland after four months in the US.
My body is still adjusting to the time zone change, and I have managed to sleep only three to four hours each night. By 3 a.m. in the morning I am already wide awake...
I'm thankful that the weather these past weeks has been pleasant at 27 degrees C (80 degrees F) during the day and slightly lower at nighttime. I know this is hot compared to the sub freezing temps when I left the East Coast in mid January. But for us, this is comfortable and cool.
On Tuesday, Karen Sand arrived in Bacolod City all the way from Norway to receive training under Family Foundations Philippines as a Start-up Seminar Coordinator.
For me, it was a meaningful time of giving and receiving.
It felt so good to be with kingdom friends again.
Front: Karen, Ruby
Back: me, Nikki
She was a beautiful woman with a painful story of perseverance, endurance, faith, and hope.
We all thought the cancer she had battled with had already been defeated... but silently this treacherous killer had found its way back.
Reality stares you in the face.
Once again I feel that familiar gut-wrenching pain.
Such a beautiful life gone too soon.
Lovely Marivic at my 60th birthday celebration last March 2013
I know the Bible says that death has no victory, death has no sting...
But if I will be honest, when one comes face to face with death, and you feel so powerless because the pain of separation goes very deep... a kind of anger rises up from within.
Anger... not directed at my good God, but at the enemy who steals... kills... and destroys.
That is what the enemy does...
I feel that there was not enough time for me to enjoy a dear friend... having been so far away the past four months. How I wish I could have been nearer to share even just a few moments of her agonizing, excruciating pain and offered wordless comfort to her... or held her hand just one more time...
Or heard her last few words, spoken haltingly, "Father...has taken away... the pain... and the fear..."
She said she was ready. And we knew she was in the pre-departure lounge.
But death came too soon.
She may have been ready...
But what about the aching void she leaves behind in the hearts of those who love her?
Can anyone be prepared for that?
The pain is still real... much too real.
I have many questions.
Not because I doubt. No... I can never doubt the goodness of God.
I ask questions because I am looking for comfort from the heart of Someone who understands.
This song by Laura Story, a song of questions, provides a measure of comfort.
And gives assurance that His plans for us are meant for good, and not for evil...
But what if your blessings come through raindrops...
What if your healing comes through tears...
What if the thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life ...
The rain, the storms,
The hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise...
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst
This world can't satisfy...
But what really amazes me as I write these words, is that Abba Father was actually giving me some answers even before my questions came...
Last Sunday in church, Pastor Joe gave a thought provoking message about Joseph... on how God is able to bring good out of evil.
He said that God interposes, actively involves Himself, between the worst moments of our lives.
On Monday, I attended the weekly Bible Study at my sister in law's home. Lyndon taught on what it means to be an overcomer in the last days. There is the promise of hidden manna - an unlikely solution, an unexpected provision - to the one who endures to the end.
Yesterday at the FFI ministry office, we listened to Butch Yulo speak on the seven churches in the book of Revelation. Yeshua Ha-Mashiach is not looking for doctrinal correctness, but for bridal qualities, seeking those who pursue intimacy, who will not turn their backs on their first love, who will break the precious alabaster jar and pour the fragrant oil at his feet, and will remain faithful to Him until the end.
Karen Sand shared a touching testimony of how she reached the rock bottom of her faith in the middle of a severe winter in Norway, and how God spoke gently to her from Deuteronomy 8:2
And you shall remember that the Lord your God
led you all the way these forty years in the wilderness,
to humble you and test you, to know what was in your heart...
To humble and test you...
I've been pondering on those words since last night.
God cares too much to give us lesser things.
He will use anything to draw us back to Him.
It is far easier to settle for the comfortable and the convenient... but Father is bringing us to the wilderness to reveal what is in our hearts.
Karen shared that in that dark winter night, when she felt like giving up, turning her back on everything she believed... she knew she had a choice.
To let go... or to believe.
She chose to believe.
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst
This world can't satisfy...
My faith is being tested.
And like Karen, I choose to believe.There are times when we ask questions and demand answers as if we were entitled to a life where there's no room for pain.
I understand fully where I stand. There are no demands, really.
My questions come from a heart seeking solace.
And I am grateful that He understands.
And as I offer to Abba Father my broken faith, my alabaster jar, yet one more time... I find comfort.
So, I name this month "Wilderness."
We all of us go through some kind of wilderness in our lives...
Abba has surely been speaking to me these past days...
In God's economy, Marivic's passing away is an instrument for His beautiful purposes...
Her earthly battles are not fought in vain...
He is seeking to build strength inside of me... endurance... hope...
In the face of death... I choose to hold on to life... and believe.
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
This is not ...
This is not our home...
8 comments:
In view of the recent passing of my father, I have contemplated death and separation more than ever. I have pondered the implications of *wilderness* seasons. I have questioned why there are so many tears in this life.
And yet, not once have I doubted that God is with me. I love that Scripture from Deuteronomy. I have found that at the end of a painful road, I am still able to say, "I am still here, Lord, and I still believe."
And God speaks gently...
Isn't that what faith is all about?!
GOD BLESS!
This post touched me, to the point of making me tear up. It really struck me when I read your friends words that God had taken away her pain and fear. In my line of work I take care of a lot of people at the end of life. There is often a distinct difference in the passing of those who are Christians. It's often a time that is not only sorrowful, but blessed and I feel privileged to be present at such a sacred time. The family members are often Christians too and while they mourn, God gives them joy. Isn't our God amazing, that He would give us peace and joy, in the midst of our greatest sorrow?
Though we believe His promise of eternal life, as humans with hearts bound to break, it's still painful to see family and friends go. May your heart be comforted with the loss of your friend and sister in Christ.
So grateful for His love and mercy...and because of that, it's comforting at the same time to know that there will be no more pain in His place. Take care sister.
"God cares too much to give us lesser things."
So sorry for your loss. It seems to be a season for loss. So many I know have lost someone close in just these past 2 months. I loved the song. forgot about it. I'm sending it a friend who lost her lost her only nephew this month. He was only 26. God made sure he prepared him for heaven! But his parents are asking so many questions of God..in their hurt and pain and loss of their only child. They have a hard time seeing God as good and merciful.
Thanks for sharing your thots about your friend and her passing. It helps me in knowing how to pray and be there for those within my circle of influence who have experienced recent loss. Also, It feels good to be reminded that ...this is not our home!!
hugs and prayers to you my friend
patrina <")>><
Dear friend - I am with you in this time of grief. I am reminded of the loss of my precious Judith. I wrote a post after she died, and much of what I wrote there, mirrors the pain here. Perhaps it will be a comfort to you. I can't believe it's been two years now. What a treasured, special friend.
Love you.
http://www.peaceforthejourney.com/2011/11/
This kind of raw-from-the-heart post reaches to the raw in my heart right now. My circumstances are so different, but how I long for 'home'. Blessings this night, Lidia.
Yes Ma'am...the wilderness of which you write, I have experienced for a 25-year period, and then some...for the recuperation took some years also.
My relationship with alcohol (and some drugs) was at first very friendly, became a love affair, and after certain time, my addictions became my God. Oly ONE thing satisfied my life--to live in a denial which told me I was right, and everyone else was wrong.
After destroying the beautiful hopes of three marriages (families), I alowed my self-centeredness to rule my life. I knew I had to stop drinking, but at that point--could not, NO WAY! It was then that the drugs and booze became my hated enemy, only hating myself more.
March 18, 2014 I will celebrate 40 years of no drinking or drugging in my life, and devotion to others in Alcoholics Anonymous.
Here is ONE TRUTH I know!!!
I thank God for Alcoholics Anonymous. And I thank Alcoholics Anonymous for bringing me back to God. Simple sounding, but years of work in cooperation with God, and I am whole again.
Maybe now you can understand why I really REALLY find your occasional blog posts SO ATTRACTIVE!
Again I thank God for YOU!
PEACE and LIGHT, Lidia.
I am sorry for the loss of your friend. May God give you a glimpse of joy knowing she is with the Him for eternity.
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