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I will give you the treasures of darkness
And hidden riches of the secret places,
That you may know that I, the Lord,
Who call you by your name,
Am the God of Israel.
- Isaiah 45:3
One of the purposes of this blog is to be a place where I can keep an account of some significant events on my life journey...like a family history book, one I would like to share and pass on to the next generation, if possible. It is a record of lessons I have learned, my strengths, my weaknesses, my joy, as well as my pain.
Hopefully, in the sharing, my life story will serve not only as an example, but also as a warning. There are pitfalls to avoid, temptations to stay away from.
Only one who has been on that journey can show the way... with authority.
I will give you the treasures of darkness
And hidden riches of the secret places,
That you may know that I, the Lord,
Who call you by your name,
Am the God of Israel.
- Isaiah 45:3
One of the purposes of this blog is to be a place where I can keep an account of some significant events on my life journey...like a family history book, one I would like to share and pass on to the next generation, if possible. It is a record of lessons I have learned, my strengths, my weaknesses, my joy, as well as my pain.
Hopefully, in the sharing, my life story will serve not only as an example, but also as a warning. There are pitfalls to avoid, temptations to stay away from.
Only one who has been on that journey can show the way... with authority.
Last year, at about this time, I found myself under very different circumstances compared to this year.
Last year our family was preparing to spend Christmas in Manila. Worshiper was getting married to his fiancee Chosen One. And since Chosen One is from Manila, tradition calls for us to hold the wedding where the bride comes from.
The year 2009 for me was a year of many events. It was my first year as a widow, my first year to bond with my daughter in law, my first year as a grandmother... and I had to adjust to the many changes happening in my life. I remember that as 2009 was about to end, and we were making the final preparations for Worshiper's wedding and our trip to Manila, God spoke to me that I was entering my season of rest.
It is true...on the day of Worshiper and Chosen One's wedding, a sense of peace, quietness and rest did fill my heart...
And as the year 2010 began, I went on an unexpected trip back to Chiang Mai, Thailand. It was a sentimental journey for me, thanks to my Thai friends Ut and Oy who extended the gracious invitation to me... a trip that enabled me to revisit the lovely place where Ernie and I spent the last year of his earthly life, and to put a closure to that period of my life.
That trip symbolized the rest and refreshment that God had in store. Indeed, 2010 was a season of rest for me.
Rest, not in a physical sense of inactivity and doing nothing... but rather like wine being allowed to sit, so that the bitter sediment may rest at the bottom of the container, and the wine be poured into a new bottle. This decanting process allows the wine to soften, to age gracefully, and become sweet in the process.
Only a few days are left before the year 2010 comes to a close, and this time, my days are quieter.
I have been able to afford some time looking over the events of the past months and meditating on the important lessons that I need to remember for this year.
A decanting process has been taking place in my life ... where I would have periods of being still, and then being poured out again.
Being still has helped me know my true priorities.
Being poured out has helped me sort out what is true and what is false in my life.
It is easy to take on false burdens and be motivated by a sense of false responsibility... God wants me to know I am not the savior of the world.
I learned this truth in a painful way. A few months ago, I had a very good intention - to speak the truth in love to someone who I thought was my friend.
But something went wrong. In spite of all my good intentions I woke up one morning finding myself standing outside of her life.
"You're not wanted anymore... you're not needed anymore...you're not good enough for me..." was the subtle message I got.
I was never allowed to explain my side, and a series of false accusations were heaped on me.
Sadly, this friend chose not to be on speaking terms with me... a quite childish and immature stance, in my opinion. But, I got the message... I stayed away.
There is a right way and a wrong way to handle conflicts. I must admit I still have not perfected the art.
The easiest way for me was to avoid her - even if it meant not going to the same worship service where my friends go...the one that Ernie and I attended for the past 30 years of our married life.
Having decided not to defend myself, I chose the graceful exit out of her life. I will honor her decision not to speak to me... Yes, I will stay away.
My friend Trudi spoke to me about this - she said that it was probably my defense and my attack, both at the same time.
Yes, Trudi knows me so well, she got it right.
To say I've forgiven is only partly true. Honestly a part of me still hurts, for being so unjustly accused... and my way of defending myself is to maintain my distance.
Last Monday this person and I found ourselves together at a Christmas dinner, and we sat uncomfortably near each other. But I maintained my stand. I chose to ignore her the whole evening.
I was simply playing the game she started... A few months ago there was a plea from me that we meet face to face, and talk about what happened. But she did not honor my request.
Who knows, maybe at the right time it will happen. Maybe it won't...
My heart wants to say, "It doesn't really matter anymore."
But I won't take that stand. I don't want indifference and apathy to set in.
Let me just put it this way: At this point, I am waiting...sitting still in this relationship, and the bitter dregs are settling to the bottom. After a while, it will be time for me to be poured out again.
In a way, I am thankful that I am often in Manila. It gives me a good reason not to be around.
But truth be said, some relationships are not so easy... I call them "high maintenance friendships" - this is just one example.
To not be on speaking terms with someone is something that we do only in grade school. Such a childish response! And honestly, I wish it did not have to be this way, but I have chosen to be at peace about it. There are things that do not work out the way we want them to.
The Bible says that as far as it depends on us, we are to live peaceably with all men.
Or if we are offering our gift at the altar and remember that a brother has something against us, to lay the gift down, make peace with that brother, and then come and offer the gift.
I hear this, and my heart is ready to obey. But for now, I honestly don't know the right steps to take to make this happen.
Surely God sees my heart, my desire... and I no longer want to be burdened about reaching out and making things right, my way.
It is a treasure of darkness for me, the hidden riches of secret places that the Isaiah 45:3 passage talks about. I don't know what happened, or how I could undo what has been done.
My desire to explain and reach out has been rebuffed... and I do not want to keep playing the martyr.
Lessons I have learned:
Not all friendships are ordained by God. Even Abraham was instructed by God to separate from Lot. Only when he obeyed did God open His eyes to see the wide expanse of land that God was giving to him as part of his promised blessing.
I tried to carry the burden of being my friend's savior. And when I took one or two wrong steps, it was easy for her to dump all the blame on me.
In assuming a role that was never intended for me, it was only a matter of time before things turned sour. And they did.
Another lesson is on forgiveness. It is always easier said than done. And while it is firstly a choice, it is also a process. Forgiveness happens in stages. I believe the mind goes first, the emotions follow. It's that "seventy times seven" lesson that Jesus teaches. It is the dying-to-self requirement that makes it so difficult.
Obedience is the key. Everything in God's kingdom hinges on obedience. I know my Father will honor my obedience.
The most important lesson I am taking to heart this year is letting go... choosing the gold... moving through forward without regrets...keeping my heart soft.
As the year ends, I let go of my sad relationships with open hands. I know that the love and time and effort I have invested into them are not wasted.
I also accept what is happening with open hands. It is a lesson in maturity, and growing in grace. I don't always have to be right, or correct.
In that person's eyes, I am the one wrong. I am the one blind. So be it.
Self-righteousness is such a heavy burden to carry. I choose to be free from that.
There may still be a better way revealed to me to resolve this relational issue... but for now, I am at peace in the space and distance that has been created for me. I feel a certain pleasure in not having to explain my side...
Some friendships are only meant for a season... and now I'm walking away.
I echo what Felisol said in her comment: I refuse to see myself as a victim, or even as a wrongdoer.
It was simply a case of one person misunderstanding my motives, and how do I remedy that? Only God can change her heart and her perspective.
As the year ends, I am learning to choose my battles, and to fight only the ones that I am called to fight.
I lay down at the feet of Jesus any burden I am not called to carry.
The Father knows I place no demands on anyone to understand me as I want to be understood, or to be known as I want to be known. It's impossible.
I want only one thing - that God be honored in my choices, and that I be an agent of redemption in this fallen world.
In time God will heal our wounded hearts - hers and mine. And I pray that we can go our separate ways as friends, not as strangers.
I want the battles that I face to soften my heart, not to encase it in a protective hard and bitter shell.
I desire to walk away in the dignity that true humility brings, not in the arrogance of pride.
This is part of the rest that I am enjoying as the year ends.
When the night is dark, and the end of the road is nowhere to be seen, God is my companion who understands my weakness, and cares enough to see me through.
It is such a comfort that God does not preach a sermon to me when He knows what is going on in my heart.
This year is surely a different kind of Christmas for me. A quiet one, not too traditional even.
The third one without Ernie...
It has taken me forever to put up the tree... but tonight, finally we will. Over hot chocolate and soft cookies, and Ernie's favorite Steve Green Christmas album playing... our family will hang the tree ornaments that have acquired meaning for us through the years... and together we will celebrate the beautiful memories, even as we make new ones... for the new members of our family.
This has been a year of rest for me, and a year of letting go. Not too many expectations, and a lot of surprise endings.
I am thankful for the love of family and friends. God is showing me who my true friends are... and one truth about true friends is clear - they are not many. Only a handful can be called our true friends.
And I receive God's beautiful gifts with open hands, even if sometimes, the gift comes wrapped in pain, still I know it is precious.
Dear friends, to understand what I am trying to say more fully, may I invite you to read a post I wrote when Ernie and I returned to the Philippines in October 2008, after living in Chiang Mai, Thailand for one year:
Home Again: New Wineskins
Last year our family was preparing to spend Christmas in Manila. Worshiper was getting married to his fiancee Chosen One. And since Chosen One is from Manila, tradition calls for us to hold the wedding where the bride comes from.
The year 2009 for me was a year of many events. It was my first year as a widow, my first year to bond with my daughter in law, my first year as a grandmother... and I had to adjust to the many changes happening in my life. I remember that as 2009 was about to end, and we were making the final preparations for Worshiper's wedding and our trip to Manila, God spoke to me that I was entering my season of rest.
It is true...on the day of Worshiper and Chosen One's wedding, a sense of peace, quietness and rest did fill my heart...
And as the year 2010 began, I went on an unexpected trip back to Chiang Mai, Thailand. It was a sentimental journey for me, thanks to my Thai friends Ut and Oy who extended the gracious invitation to me... a trip that enabled me to revisit the lovely place where Ernie and I spent the last year of his earthly life, and to put a closure to that period of my life.
That trip symbolized the rest and refreshment that God had in store. Indeed, 2010 was a season of rest for me.
Rest, not in a physical sense of inactivity and doing nothing... but rather like wine being allowed to sit, so that the bitter sediment may rest at the bottom of the container, and the wine be poured into a new bottle. This decanting process allows the wine to soften, to age gracefully, and become sweet in the process.
Only a few days are left before the year 2010 comes to a close, and this time, my days are quieter.
I have been able to afford some time looking over the events of the past months and meditating on the important lessons that I need to remember for this year.
A decanting process has been taking place in my life ... where I would have periods of being still, and then being poured out again.
Being still has helped me know my true priorities.
Being poured out has helped me sort out what is true and what is false in my life.
It is easy to take on false burdens and be motivated by a sense of false responsibility... God wants me to know I am not the savior of the world.
I learned this truth in a painful way. A few months ago, I had a very good intention - to speak the truth in love to someone who I thought was my friend.
But something went wrong. In spite of all my good intentions I woke up one morning finding myself standing outside of her life.
"You're not wanted anymore... you're not needed anymore...you're not good enough for me..." was the subtle message I got.
I was never allowed to explain my side, and a series of false accusations were heaped on me.
Sadly, this friend chose not to be on speaking terms with me... a quite childish and immature stance, in my opinion. But, I got the message... I stayed away.
There is a right way and a wrong way to handle conflicts. I must admit I still have not perfected the art.
The easiest way for me was to avoid her - even if it meant not going to the same worship service where my friends go...the one that Ernie and I attended for the past 30 years of our married life.
Having decided not to defend myself, I chose the graceful exit out of her life. I will honor her decision not to speak to me... Yes, I will stay away.
My friend Trudi spoke to me about this - she said that it was probably my defense and my attack, both at the same time.
Yes, Trudi knows me so well, she got it right.
To say I've forgiven is only partly true. Honestly a part of me still hurts, for being so unjustly accused... and my way of defending myself is to maintain my distance.
Last Monday this person and I found ourselves together at a Christmas dinner, and we sat uncomfortably near each other. But I maintained my stand. I chose to ignore her the whole evening.
I was simply playing the game she started... A few months ago there was a plea from me that we meet face to face, and talk about what happened. But she did not honor my request.
Who knows, maybe at the right time it will happen. Maybe it won't...
My heart wants to say, "It doesn't really matter anymore."
But I won't take that stand. I don't want indifference and apathy to set in.
Let me just put it this way: At this point, I am waiting...sitting still in this relationship, and the bitter dregs are settling to the bottom. After a while, it will be time for me to be poured out again.
In a way, I am thankful that I am often in Manila. It gives me a good reason not to be around.
But truth be said, some relationships are not so easy... I call them "high maintenance friendships" - this is just one example.
To not be on speaking terms with someone is something that we do only in grade school. Such a childish response! And honestly, I wish it did not have to be this way, but I have chosen to be at peace about it. There are things that do not work out the way we want them to.
The Bible says that as far as it depends on us, we are to live peaceably with all men.
Or if we are offering our gift at the altar and remember that a brother has something against us, to lay the gift down, make peace with that brother, and then come and offer the gift.
I hear this, and my heart is ready to obey. But for now, I honestly don't know the right steps to take to make this happen.
Surely God sees my heart, my desire... and I no longer want to be burdened about reaching out and making things right, my way.
It is a treasure of darkness for me, the hidden riches of secret places that the Isaiah 45:3 passage talks about. I don't know what happened, or how I could undo what has been done.
My desire to explain and reach out has been rebuffed... and I do not want to keep playing the martyr.
Lessons I have learned:
Not all friendships are ordained by God. Even Abraham was instructed by God to separate from Lot. Only when he obeyed did God open His eyes to see the wide expanse of land that God was giving to him as part of his promised blessing.
I tried to carry the burden of being my friend's savior. And when I took one or two wrong steps, it was easy for her to dump all the blame on me.
In assuming a role that was never intended for me, it was only a matter of time before things turned sour. And they did.
Another lesson is on forgiveness. It is always easier said than done. And while it is firstly a choice, it is also a process. Forgiveness happens in stages. I believe the mind goes first, the emotions follow. It's that "seventy times seven" lesson that Jesus teaches. It is the dying-to-self requirement that makes it so difficult.
Obedience is the key. Everything in God's kingdom hinges on obedience. I know my Father will honor my obedience.
The most important lesson I am taking to heart this year is letting go... choosing the gold... moving through forward without regrets...keeping my heart soft.
As the year ends, I let go of my sad relationships with open hands. I know that the love and time and effort I have invested into them are not wasted.
I also accept what is happening with open hands. It is a lesson in maturity, and growing in grace. I don't always have to be right, or correct.
In that person's eyes, I am the one wrong. I am the one blind. So be it.
Self-righteousness is such a heavy burden to carry. I choose to be free from that.
There may still be a better way revealed to me to resolve this relational issue... but for now, I am at peace in the space and distance that has been created for me. I feel a certain pleasure in not having to explain my side...
Some friendships are only meant for a season... and now I'm walking away.
I echo what Felisol said in her comment: I refuse to see myself as a victim, or even as a wrongdoer.
It was simply a case of one person misunderstanding my motives, and how do I remedy that? Only God can change her heart and her perspective.
As the year ends, I am learning to choose my battles, and to fight only the ones that I am called to fight.
I lay down at the feet of Jesus any burden I am not called to carry.
The Father knows I place no demands on anyone to understand me as I want to be understood, or to be known as I want to be known. It's impossible.
I want only one thing - that God be honored in my choices, and that I be an agent of redemption in this fallen world.
In time God will heal our wounded hearts - hers and mine. And I pray that we can go our separate ways as friends, not as strangers.
I want the battles that I face to soften my heart, not to encase it in a protective hard and bitter shell.
I desire to walk away in the dignity that true humility brings, not in the arrogance of pride.
This is part of the rest that I am enjoying as the year ends.
When the night is dark, and the end of the road is nowhere to be seen, God is my companion who understands my weakness, and cares enough to see me through.
It is such a comfort that God does not preach a sermon to me when He knows what is going on in my heart.
This year is surely a different kind of Christmas for me. A quiet one, not too traditional even.
The third one without Ernie...
It has taken me forever to put up the tree... but tonight, finally we will. Over hot chocolate and soft cookies, and Ernie's favorite Steve Green Christmas album playing... our family will hang the tree ornaments that have acquired meaning for us through the years... and together we will celebrate the beautiful memories, even as we make new ones... for the new members of our family.
This has been a year of rest for me, and a year of letting go. Not too many expectations, and a lot of surprise endings.
I am thankful for the love of family and friends. God is showing me who my true friends are... and one truth about true friends is clear - they are not many. Only a handful can be called our true friends.
And I receive God's beautiful gifts with open hands, even if sometimes, the gift comes wrapped in pain, still I know it is precious.
Dear friends, to understand what I am trying to say more fully, may I invite you to read a post I wrote when Ernie and I returned to the Philippines in October 2008, after living in Chiang Mai, Thailand for one year:
Home Again: New Wineskins
Sometimes you put up walls not to keep people out,
but to see who cares enough to break them down.
- Anonymous
but to see who cares enough to break them down.
- Anonymous
15 comments:
Dear Lidj,
Often our roads have seemed to be very different, even so I can easily relate to both your problems and your blessings.
The wound of loosing a friend, without understanding why, has been inflicted upon me too this year.
I have prayed, talked with other friends, and we just cannot figure out why this sudden and very harsh change of heart in my friends mind has come.
I will continue trying not to get bitter, but never stop praying for my former, almost life long and very close friend.
I will not see myself as a victim or a wrongdoer.
This change of my friends heart, came as lightening from a blue sky, and I feel confident; this doesn't come from God.
I therefore will continue to place my friend in front of the Lord, not necessarily to heal our broken relationship, but that her relation with God must be healed, and her heart must find peace.
Wishing you all well for the 4th Sunday in Advent, and a special prayer for Elijah, Full of Hope.
From Felisol
I can relate as well. I have lost
a couple of friends that I just
thought would be there forever.
The reasons given are simply
too shallow to be true. I have
felt great loss and pain. I
have made up my mind to forgive
and carry on. That does not relieve
the pain however.
Wishing you and your family a most
blessed Christmas in Him, Lidj.
Love & Prayers,
Sandy
I am sorry for the loss of this friend. I think you can look back and say you did what you could, you tried to resolve it and to talk about it. There is always the hope that her heart will soften as time passes.
I love the way you are able to put these periods of life into words, and am thankful that God gave you this year of rest.
Lidj:
First... your comments on my page recently were such a beautiful blessing to me. Your grace and your heart are such a gift!
I love this blog of yours! I also can relate to your situation... I daresay we have all been there with a friendship at one time or another, and it hurts. One of my favorite verses in this regard is:
Proverbs 16:7 (King James Version)
When a man's ways please the LORD, he maketh even his enemies to be at peace with him.
When we have said and done all we know to do, we leave it with the Lord. There are times when He brings about both healing and reconciliation in ways we could never have imagined.
I think this has been a good year for you... you are at a new place, and ready to see God's next direction in your journey. I wish you a Merry Christmas Lidj, and am so thankful to have such a special friend as Lidj! :)
Love,
Sonja
Dear Lidj, thank you for your lovely comment on my blog recently. I was just thinking of you one or two days ago, and then a comment from you!
I love this - 'I let go of my sad relationships with open hands. I know that the love and time and effort I have invested into them are not wasted.' I think that is a big part of this. We may never know why these friends disappear in such ways from our lives. But God knows, and maybe, the friendships we thought were lifelong were really only meant 'for a season.' Either way, you are right, efforts and love are NEVER wasted.
There's so much I'd like to say about your post. I hear you about the not wanting to be a martyr. I too have backed away from a friend in a similar situation, and how wise of your friend to say it's both an attack and a defence. God is in the process of refining all of us.
Just as a note of hope, the 2 very close friends I had troubles with this year, and had all but given up on, are both back in my life. I am maid of honour to one of them next month. You never know how God will work in BOTH your hearts through something that feels so painful and ugly on the surface.. beauty from ashes.. praying for you! x
Dear Lidj,
What a pleasure to stop by and hear from your heart. I love the verse that you shared in the beginning and the picture of open hands. So has been my posture this past year...to stand with open hands before the Lord accepting all that He has to share with me: the pain, the suffering, the unknown, the blessing, His love and His grace.
Thank you for stopping by my blog and saying hello. How I love meeting new friends and sisters in the Lord through this crazy open space called blogging.
Thank you for pouring our so richly and truly your heart and your pain. I, too, had a similar experience with a longtime friend and sister in the Lord about 5 years ago. It was so painful and hard to understand. She, too, would not meet me face to face to talk and work things out. And I had to lay that pain over and over again at the feet of Jesus with open hands to Him. He has brought this woman back into my life. She still stands a bit at a distance, as I do too....but I have watched God do a work in my heart as I've learned to let go to Him.
May God take your relationship with this woman and do a work, making all things new in His time.
Wishing you a restful Christmas filled with God's peace and joy.
Much love in Christ,
Stacy
www.hiswaynotmine.blogspot.com
Hi Lidj -
I thoroughly enjoyed this piece. You spoke sincerely from your heart, I sense. There is so much that you expressed that moved me.
Thank you, Lidj, that you love our Lord. It is obvious that you desire to please Him for which he will reward you indeed.
Sidebar: If you are led, please go to my blog and read, "DEATH OF TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS." It is found under the separate tab titled, "FAMILY FORT." I believe that you will find something there that will help relative to your issue with the person with whom you no longer speak...
Also, when you get some free moments, please go to blog "FREELY RECEIVED FREELY GIVEN" at www.giftsofglory.blogspot.com.
Thank you, Lidj.
I am on my way now to read what you referenced...
Hi again Lidj -
I went and read your "Home Again: New Wineskins" piece. I wasn't sure if you would go back to a post from 2008 to read a comment so this is to inform you that I left one there.
Thank you, Lidj, for sharing...
I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your friend.
For many years I haven't really had any women friends - I had acquaintances, but no one close. No particular reason, just circumstances. A little over a year ago, I prayed that God would bring me some Christian sisters to have a relationship with. He did - in fact, He gave me three!!
I can remember, though, the pain of losing friends in the past. It's sad really, how easily miscommunication and misunderstanding can sabotage things so quickly.
I had one thought - maybe it would be healing for you to write this person a letter - NOT one that will ever be sent - but one for you to pour out your thoughts on paper. Perhaps in the process of doing this, God will speak to you a new word of peace about the situation.
Rest assured, He will restore this relationship if it's His will.
In the meantime, rest - trust that He is sifting and settling you - and you are becoming one fine "wine" in the process!
Thanks for being so transparently honest, Lidj...
GOD BLESS YOU!
Hi Lidj -
I left you a message in my comment area where you commented.
I wasn't sure if you would go back there...so I came here to let you know.
Good morning Lidj,
I know, it is not morning as you read this, but it is morning in your life. A new day.
I also can relate, although most recently for me it was not a friend, but a fellowship, which I lost. There have been blessings from the loss, and I know that Yah behind it, but the loss is undeniable.
I praise God for your season of rest, knowing that He is in control and does all things well.
When it's all said and done.... your following quote will be long remembered....not what you did or did not do wrong...
"I want only one thing - that God be honored in my choices, and that I be an agent of redemption in this fallen world."
profound statement! I want this one true thing ..too ...for you...as well as me.
God is purifying you so that you will become refined - pure as gold. You are not alone in this.
God bless you as this year ends and a new one begins. God is faithful to turn the page and scribe a new chapter that will carry us so much further than what we have experienced - or become - this year.
Christmas blessings, Lidj
Patrina <")>><
So this is a decanting process? Yes, I am being poured out, being stirred up. My life will taste and smell different - better, hopefully! What an insightful way to enable a visualizing of this process!
I have a question Lidj. Why do you stay away? Why do you not go to your church home anymore? Yes, the dinner was a sticky social encounter - but if God opens a door, we have a choice either to we either pass by, glancing in but not entering or to enter those open doors and embrace the opportunities within. I have found that a brief touch on the arm, a quiet "Have a blessed new year" (though I was quaking inside), and gracefully moving forward would have chipped away at both the hurt in your heart and the hurt in her heart. You cannot lance the wound by avoiding it:) However, once the wound is lanced, constant attendance for healing is not required - a healthy balance will have been established, giving each of you peace (and healing). I will be praying for you, for peace, for healing in your heart - and for joy in your new year! Merry Christmas Lidj!
Lidj, friendship can be a gift but when you open your heart to another it can hurt. I've found that there are some people who may seem to ask for my opinion but really don't want it. I don't know if this is your friend or not though.
I love that you are able to share openly about your life and the choices you've made. We all learn from one another and none of us has it down perfectly. How thankful I am that our Lord loves us and is full of grace and mercy.
Thank you for sharing your heart with your blogging friends.
Love,
Debbie
Dear Lidj.
I am sorry about your friend. That is painful but I do think from reading your newest posts first, that God has blessed you with the grace to be peaceful and loving.
Love Colleen
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