The God of Recompense

 

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Strengthen the weak hands 

 And make firm the feeble knees. 

 Say to those who are fearful-hearted, 

 "Be strong, do not fear! 

 Behold your God will come with vengeance, 

 With the recompense of God; 

 He will come and save you." 

- Isaiah 35:10  

So I will restore to you the years 

that the swarming locust has eaten,

The crawling locust,

The consuming locust,

And the chewing locust,

My great army which I sent among you. 

You shall eat in plenty and be satisfied,

And praise the name of the LORD your God,

Who has dealt wondrously with you;

And My people shall never be put to shame.

Then you shall know that I am in the midst of Israel;

I am the LORD your God

And there is no other.

My people shall never be put to shame.

- Joel 2:25-27

Do not fear, little flock, 

for it is your Father's good pleasure

to give you the kingdom.

-Luke 12:32

On September 16, I wrote this in my blog post, 

I am entering a new season. I'm turning over a new leaf.

It is interesting to note that the “leaf” in this phrase does not refer to the leaf on a tree, but rather the pages in a book. In the 16th century the pages of a book were referred to as leaves. The allusion to turning over to a blank page and starting over has been used since the 1500s. Even though it has not always meant “change for the better” it has always meant that you are starting over. When you turn to a new, clean page you are leaving the past behind you and starting over.

Four days after I wrote that entry, I received word about a very important development. That this happens just when I was firm in my resolve to turn over a new leaf, specifically to pursue my relationship with God at a deeper level, only means I was on the right track. 

But the news has so taken me aback that it brought me scampering back inside a familiar dark corner that I call Camp Fear. Although my mind tells me that nothing takes God by surprise... that Father knows the times and seasons of my circumstances... that I can trust Him, my heart tells me a different story.

So I look back at my life, remembering how safe and secure I felt during my childhood and young adult years. And how my parents raised me and my sister with genuine love, nurture, and utmost care.  At no moment did I ever feel abandoned or unwelcome.   

The early years of my marriage continued on this same note: my husband Ernie lovingly cared for me and our children. For my part, I also gave Ernie and our children the best loving care a wife and mother could possibly give. 

I believe my parents' commitment and loyalty to one another and to us their daughters provided the secure environment that shaped the confidence I had, both in myself and in the world...that whatever life threw at me, I was capable and well-equipped to handle. It also prepared me to turn the reins of my life over to God in a life-changing encounter with Him during my freshman year at the UP.

Certainly life was not fairy tale perfect, but generally speaking, I remember those chapters in my life as  my "snag-free", carefree, comfort zone years. 

Somewhere along the way, circumstances changed; the road we walked on became rocky and we found ourselves sailing on turbulent waters. 

The year was 1989.  After about a decade of a comfortable married life, Ernie and I reached rock bottom in our finances. I never saw it coming. For the first time in my entire life of 36 years I found myself in a very strange place.

One thing led to another, and today, as a widow of fourteen years, I am still facing some consequences of choices made during that eventful year.

I was not aware of what was really going on then. Being the mother of three young children and the principal of our church school at the same time required my full attention. Completely trusting my husband, I never doubted his integrity and wisdom. In that my heart is secure, even up to today.

I have always said that faith is the underlying theme of my life story. And faith requires that I put my trust in no one else but Him alone.

It is therefore understandable that God will remove anything and anyone that would take His place on the throne of my heart. 

The financial woes... my father's death... my husband's death... the list goes on.

In 2018, my best friend Melanie passed away. This was a huge blow to me, but at hindsight, I recognize it as God's way of removing major props in my life.

In 2020, William Su, the national coordinator of Family Foundations International-Philasia, unexpectedly died due to the pandemic.  This was a blow so severe to us in a beloved ministry we have served together since 2001. Again, I see it now as God's way of dismantling yet another pillar of security in my life.

In 2021, three more lives of close friends were claimed by the pandemic, but the most painful was the death of Lyndon, our well-respected Bible teacher for the past twenty years or so. He was a prophetic voice in the wilderness, a modern day John the Baptist. His death came as a major blow to all of us who looked up to his anointed teaching about intimacy with God, and 24/7 prayer and intercession, the end-time bridal heart preparation for the return of our King.

I never prayed as hard as when I asked God to miraculously heal Melanie, William, John, Manolo, and Lyndon. But God chose to answer my prayer His way, not my way.  

One cannot help but feel so orphaned and lost in the midst of so many props being taken out one after the other. Talk about leaving the comfort zone big time. But in God's wisdom, this was the only way that my faith could be strengthened. Faith grows not in our places of comfort and security but in uncharted territories, where we are in the dark and there's just enough light for the next step.

An eagle pushes its young out of the nest when it is time for them to use their wings and fly. The gardener mercilessly prunes the grapevines to ensure fresh growth and abundant fruit come harvest season. The goldsmith refines gold in the crucible, turning up the heat to 450° to 750° C (840° to 1,380° F) to allow the dross to rise to the surface where they can be easily removed.

In the same way, everything in life is being used by God as an opportunity to build and purify our faith. 

Such is the case in a major battle I have been fighting these past years, a battle that is not even of my doing.

For someone in her autumn years, I keep thinking that I deserve better.

But then again, do we really deserve anything? From what I understand, I was a sinner on her way to hell when Christ in His compassion died the death that should have been mine. And in doing so, He paid the price that I might spend eternity in heaven!

That settles once and for all any right to the kind of life I think I deserve.

Promises that have remained unfulfilled is no longer the issue for me. Years ago, Abba Father spoke to me about letting go of these promises, and instead, trusting Him alone as the Promise Keeper. 

Yet life has gone on very much like a spiritual roller coaster ride. There are good days, and there are not-so-good days. To be honest, for many years I have lived with fear and uncertainty hanging like the sword of Damocles above my head. I have also struggled with a joyless heart, thinking that joy will come when there are no more unresolved issues in my life.

I am grateful for the personal breakthroughs and victories as seasons have come and gone, but on the whole, I have not really been satisfied with the quality of my spiritual life these past years.  My heart hungers for something more.

I feel I have not done enough; my devotional life leaves much to be desired. Sometimes it feels like I am in danger of falling back into a religion of works, demanding of me to successfully jump through a series of spiritual hoops.  

And so my faith journey continues. 

After much soul-searching. I realized that being thrust out of my places of security and comfort is actually a blessing because only then can God begin to fulfill His purposes for me.

In the midst of all these, my heart rests secure in the truth that God is the Author of my life story. Not a single line is out of place in my story. Every comma, every period has its place, for it is God Himself holding the pen. He knows exactly when one chapter ends and when another begins.

Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed,

And in Your book they all were written,

The days fashioned for me,

When as yet there were none of them.

- Psalm 139:16

What strikes me about this Bible passage is the tense of the verbs.

In Your book they all were written, the days fashioned for me...

The story has been written already. In God's book the story is finished, although I am still living out the adventure here on earth. 

That, to me, is simply mind-blowing.

Abba Father has never given up on me.  If my heart is looking for something more, it must be an inner response to a divine invitation to draw near. 

Yes, He calls me time and time again. And in His still small voice, whispers, All I want is your heart, not your performance.

"The season has changed, the bondage of your barren winter has ended, and the season of hiding is over and gone," Abba Father gently speaks to me. 

It has happened countless times. As the truths I fully understand in my mind reach my heart, alignment takes place and God moves me up to the next level of our relationship.

Today, with the Hebrew month of Tishrei having just begun, and Yom Teruah (Feast of Trumpets) and Rosh Hashanah just ended, I have received a prophetic word from God that speaks truth and brings light to the hidden recesses of my heart.

With Rosh Hashanah, we entered the year 5783 in the Hebrew calendar. 

I want to briefly touch on the meaning of the number 3 in the Hebrew alphabet. 

Each of the 22 letters in the Aleph-Bet corresponds to a number, a picture, and an action. The number 3 stands for gimel, and its pictograph resembles both a foot and a person walking in the direction of the left. 

Gimel is derived from the Hebrew root word gemul, which means "justified repayment."

The word gimel is also associated with the Hebrew word gamal which means camel.  Camels are able to journey and survive in arid desert places. In such places of lack they are used as reliable means of transportation. Camels are the perfect animals for this because they carry extra water and food in their hump. They are well-prepared for seasons of drought and lack.

Two words have spoken powerfully to me in this new season: recompense, and provision.

For the  n^th  time, I am moving out of the dark dungeons of Camp Fear, and moving into the wide open fields of God's perfect love.

There is no fear in love; 

but perfect love casts out fear, 

because fear involves torment. 

But he who fears has not been made perfect in love. 

- 1 John 4:18

My operative word in this season is "wait." Waiting involves faith, and faith involves trust. I used to think those two words meant the same thing. But as I spent some time thinking about it, I realized that there is a subtle difference. Hebrews 11:1 says, 

Faith is the substance of things hoped for, 

the evidence of things not seen. 

Faith is believing in something that is not tangible. Faith is a mental assent. Trust, on the other hand, is an action that shows you believe. And waiting is part and parcel of that trust. Romans 8:25 says, 

But if we hope for what we do not yet see, we wait for it patiently. 

Long story short, if I have faith that God is going to do something, then trust requires that I wait for it to happen. Trust is external, faith is internal.

In this season of waiting and trusting, I am believing that what seems to be a delay in human terms is a divine opportunity in God's timeline. Bob Sorge calls it, " strategic delay." Waiting serves a divine purpose: it keeps me from being complacent, trusting in my own abilities. God wants me dependent on him alone.

God never leaves us to fend for ourselves, no matter what circumstances we may find ourselves in.  Whether or not we sense or experience the reality of His presence, the truth doesn't change: He cares, He watches over us, He is standing by, and He never leaves or forsakes us.

I must not forget, the story has been written, and the ending is glorious. 

In this new season, I choose to rest in God's perfect love.

One of the names of God is Jehovah El Gemuwal, LORD God of Recompense.

He is the God who will fight the battle for me, and the God who says, "Vengeance is Mine, I will repay."

There is nothing more that I can say. He is the God who holds the seasons of my life in His hands. There is no other god in my life; He alone sits on the throne of my heart.

I desire to walk close by Him in this new season, and to rest in His perfect love.

I desire to live out the story He has written of my life, listen to His voice alone, and silence all the other accusing voices in my life that only bring confusion.

This song is my response:

Let My Life Be Worship (source)

(This is a brand new single by United States Gospel Music Group

BETHEL Music and Jenn Johnson featuring Michaela Gentile)

This moment is holy 

And I hear You calling 

I turn my face towards You 

And my heart is open 

You’re always pursuing 

And my life surrendering 

You have my affection 

So let my life be worship 

And let my heart stay true 

May my love never grow cold 

May it burn forevermore 

May my life be worship to You

 OOh OOh OOh 

In blessing, in sorrow,

In the ordinary 

Whatever the cost is

You’re always worthy 

My heart’s cry 

And my whole life 

Is for Your glory 

You have my attention 

So let my life be worship 

Let my heart stay true 

May my love never grow cold 

May it burn forevermore 

Let my life be worship to You 

 OOh OOh OOh OOh OOh OOh OOh OOh OOh 

So let it be, 

Let it be worship 

You’re the only One, 

Only One worth it 

Nothing is like You, 

There’s no one beside You

Only You’re worthy, 

You’re worthy

 

So let it be, 

Let it be worship 

You’re the only One, 

Only One worth it 

Nothing is like You, 

There is no one beside You 

Only You’re worthy, 

You’re worthy... 

So let my life be worship 

Let my heart stay true...

So let my life be worship 

Let my heart stay true 

May my love never grow cold 

May it burn forevermore 

Let my life be worship to You 

In everything

In everything

Dishes piled high in the kitchen sink

Let it be worship

Oh you meet me in the ordinary

When I'm feeling weak

When I'm feeling tired

You find me and it's worship

You're the only One worth it

Only You are worthy...

Let my life be like a love song...

To Everything There's a Season

 

It has been more than six months since I updated this blog.

As always, to do so has often been at the back of my mind, but the usual reason prevailed: to wait for a more opportune time to do it.

And when will that opportune time ever come? That is the million dollar question.

Well, finally I had the push to open this blog again, at 3 o'clock in the morning. 

This will not be a full post, just an introduction to the new season I am in.

That's right, I am entering a new season.

I'm turning over a new leaf.

The prophet Habakkuk says,

Write the vision

And make it plain on tablets,

That he may run who reads it.

For the vision is yet for an appointed time;

But at the end it will speak, and it will not lie.

Though it tarries, wait for it;

Because it will surely come,

It will not tarry.

The context of that passage refers to something else, however, I believe that it is also a vision that God is giving me. To write it and to make it plain is to give life to it, like speaking it into existence. 

I am quite excited to see how everything will turn out.

According to the website Learn English Idioms, to turn over a new leaf means:

- to alter your behavior in a positive way 

- to start fresh 

- to change course 

- to start afresh 

- to change track 

It is interesting to note that the “leaf” in this phrase does not refer to the leaf on a tree, but rather the pages in a book. 

In the 16th century the pages of a book were referred to as leaves. The allusion to turning over to a blank page and starting over has been used since the 1500s. Even though it has not always meant “change for the better” it has always meant that you are starting over. When you turn to a new, clean page you are leaving the past behind you and starting over. (Source) 

My motivation for this has been confirmed by these words from Song of Songs 2:11-13, and I quote:

The season has changed, the bondage of your barren winter has ended, and the season of hiding is over and gone. The rains have soaked the earth and left it bright with blossoming flowers. The season for singing and pruning the vines has arrived. I hear the cooing of doves in our land, filling the air with songs to awaken you and guide you forth. 

Can you not discern this new day of destiny breaking forth around you? The early signs of my purposes and plans are bursting forth. The budding vines of new life are now blooming everywhere. The fragrance of their flowers whispers, “There is change in the air.” Arise, my love, my beautiful companion, and run with me to the higher place. For now is the time to arise and come away with me.

So watch this space for my next update. There will definitely be more to come.

It's a new season, and I'm so looking forward to all that Abba Father has in store. 

The Writing of A Story 2022

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Measure thy life by loss and not by gain 

Not by the wine drunk but by the wine poured out, 

For love's strength standeth in love's sacrifice, 

And he that suffereth most, hath most to give. 

- Ugo Bassi

 

 

March 27, 2022. Today I celebrate my sixty-ninth birthday.

 

Many yesteryears ago, as an eighteen year-old girl fresh out of high school, I had absolutely no idea what being 69 would be like. Spring was calling, there was no time to think about growing old.

 

Spring

On the threshold of youthful idealism, my heart was filled with rosy dreams of a bright tomorrow.

1971

Fifty plus years later, I have gained a totally different perspective.

When one is young, full of plans and eager anticipation for what lies ahead, it is easy to be intellectual about many things.

The story of my life was in the making and I wanted to be sure all the elements of a good story were in place.

 Characters, plot, themes.

 And of course, you don't start out a life and plan to fail.

 You put in all the lovely details.

 Like excellence. Discipline. Ideal relationships. 

Well-ordered finances. A good reputation. Unquestionable church commitment. 

A well-respected life.

 

And for a while it worked.

 

I had a good husband, a beautiful family, and a comfortable life.

We pursued our dreams.

 

We basked in the glory of our achievements.

 

I was in my mid-thirties, in the prime of my youth, when I discovered that Someone Else, not me, was holding the pen and writing the story.

The real Author of my life story had so engineered the circumstances surrounding me because He had something infinitely better in store.

 

Given my way, I would never have allowed such sub-plots and unexpected twists to enter the picture. But at that point, there was not much I could do.

 

Adversity came not as a one-time strike, but in bundles.

 

Financial disaster. Broken relationships. False accusations.

 

Loss of reputation. Betrayal. Sickness. 

 

Legal battles. Shattered dreams. And, death.

 

I will not go into specifics anymore for my story has been told many times before. Suffice it to say that in the midst of it all, I felt so awful there were mornings I'd wake up and not recognize the face staring back at me in the mirror.

 

To someone who had been used to being in control, these circumstances were unimaginable.  It seemed like I was standing before a great abyss, always only one step away from falling into it.

 

This major crisis of my life went on for years, yet much of it was a lonely battle fought inside my heart.

 

Until one night, I found myself face to face with God.

 

"What do you want?" He asked. His voice, gentle.

 

Many times in the past I had always prayed, "Lord, restore our finances, restore my relationships, vindicate us, restore my good name... give me back my life!"

 

That night, face to face with the Author of my life story, my priorities were re-arranged.

 

I suddenly realized I no longer cared about the answers to my many questions.

 

I no longer cared about the solutions I had been seeking.

 

All I wanted was God alone.

 

"What is it that you want?" God gently asked me again.

 

And I found myself crying out to Him, "My Father, I don't want anything else… I don't need anything; all I want is You, Lord. You're all I want."

 

As soon as I uttered those words, I knew that I had finally taken that last step. I fell into the deep abyss that had been before me.

All along I had been so scared of falling to rock bottom. But that night, I finally had my experience of "free fall."

 

Not clutching at anything, not grasping at any security blanket, but just freely falling, letting go, and discovering that as I reached bedrock, my Creator, my Redeemer, the Author of my story, was there. God met me at that rock bottom point of my need.

 

That was the turning point of my life...when I stopped looking for answers and remedies, and simply allowed God to take over.

 

“You are safe in Me… trust Me,” He whispered.

 

That really was the best thing I ever did. In trusting Him with all of my heart, I was led through the way of brokenness and humility.

 

As long as I was in control of my life, depending on self-protective mechanisms to safeguard my interests, God's life could not break forth in me.

 

In effect, God was saying, "Let go, My child; allow yourself to be as broken bread and poured out wine for your sake."

 

For my sake!

 

God knew what I did not: I needed to be rescued from myself.

 

And there was no other way to do it except through the painful path that He took me.

 

Summer

I entered the summer season of my life adjusting to a new normal, my life no longer as neat and as well-ordered as it once was. 

2015

A few years ago I also lost the security of having a husband to physically lean on...to grow old with.

 

But that's okay. I have slowly gotten used to no longer being in control, and simply allowing the Holy Spirit to teach me how to dance to the "unforced rhythms of life."

 

How grateful I am for the opportunities to sow new seeds in time for the autumn harvest season.

 

And how freeing, how liberating, how exciting, to live this way!

 

The German poet Rainer Maria Rilke once wrote:

 

Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves.

 

I know God loves "happy" endings, His way, not mine. And I know He has already written it down in His book.

 

In Your book they all were written,

the days fashioned for me,

when as yet there were none of them.

- Psalm 139:16

 

 

Indeed, I am thankful for the years gone by.

 

But more than that, I am truly grateful for the battle scars I carry in my heart: healed wounds from the storms I have weathered, the rivers I have crossed, the mountains I have climbed.

 

And I look forward to what lies ahead.

 

Despite my chronological years, I don’t feel old. Not at all.

 

Age, it has often been said, is a state of mind. And I totally agree.

 

Autumn
I am now in the autumn season of my life, advancing in years, yet I sense my spirit to be growing younger, my real age being measured in terms of kairos, not chronos.

2021 

Both kairos and chronos are Greek words for “time.”  Somewhere along this faith journey, I have come to know the huge difference between the two.

 

Chronos refers to measurable time, as in hours, minutes, and seconds; a calendar of months and years. This is where the word “chronology” comes from.

 

Kairos, on the other hand, means “opportune moment,”  “appointed time,” or “due season.”

 

How much more meaningful life is when lived in terms of divine timing and seasons, instead of measuring it like the ominous ticking of a clock, or the marking off of days in a calendar.

 

With chronos, time is a cruel taskmaster.

With kairos, time is my friend and ally.

 

I want to enter the next level of my life with hope and vision, ready to conquer new territories and sail uncharted seas, not in fear and trepidation, but with a sense of expectancy, enthusiasm, and eagerness.

 

 So this is my story.

 

But it’s far from over.

 Virginia 2013

Somehow, each year is different, actually, better than the one before. God is teaching me to bring a closure to the past seasons in my life... glean precious lessons from them, even as I look forward to the unfolding of a new chapter, a story that has actually been written already. But like a script in a play, the lines are waiting to be spoken, and lived out.

I really love that word - unfolding.

 

It is a beautiful picture of a flower, the petals gently unfolding as the rays of the early sun touch them.

 

Or a butterfly, slowly unfolding its wings as it emerges out of its cocoon.

 

Or the pages of my favorite book, the story unfolding before me as I read the lines...

 

This year, my life will unfold before my eyes, and I will reach greater heights never experienced before.

 

From glory, to greater glory; from grace, to greater grace... the Father's goodness will unfold before my very eyes.

 

And this awareness fills my heart with a sense of quiet excitement.

 

Each new day, it seems, brings me to a new level of experiencing, knowing, and seeing.

 

Every sunset is an affirmation that rest, quiet, and renewal are on the way, and tomorrow is another day.

 

And I am aware of gentle stirrings deep within, a hunger and longing in my heart for the unsearchable, unfathomable, heretofore fenced in and hidden, things of my Creator’s heart.

 

There is a promise that awaits the hungry soul, anyone who seeks beauty and truth: we will not seek in vain.

 

Yes, this is my story... the unfolding of a hidden beauty, the beholding of a gem previously unnoticed, the revealing of a deeper truth never before understood.

 

My life as seen from this perspective is packed with depth and meaning.

 

Sorrow and joy, success and failure, achievement and disappointment… they form a lovely blend of colors in the hand of the Master.

 

This is my story…

 

I have no doubt, in heaven’s eyes, the tapestry of my life is a masterpiece.

 

Meanwhile, on this earthly side of eternity, there remain new and deeper levels of understanding waiting to be discovered.

 

My life is a diamond in the rough, its many facets being chiseled and polished, a necessary process of being made more beautiful.

 

In the Bible, the book that I have come to love so much, God says, “Behold I am making all things new.”

 

Behold.

 

Another beautiful word to describe my journey.

 

The Hebrew word for it is hineni, a heart response to the God who is always asking, “Where are you?”

 

And the answer He expects of me is not to point Him to my geographical position. In truth, the question is not about a physical location, but about a relationship... my relationship with Him.

 

“Where are you, in relation to Me?” my Heavenly Father asks.

 

This is my story. And this is who I have become: a woman living her life in answer to the penetrating question her Creator God is asking.

 

You see, I have long understood that although His is the unseen hand holding the pen, my life is not a product of mere chance or fate. He did not create me to be a robot, but an intelligent being capable of making wise choices.

 

I have a participative, interactive role in the writing of my story.

 

My obedience is key to how my story will end.

 

He has penned the chapters, but in between the lines there is an invitation for me to participate, to join Him in what He is doing.

 

He invites me to live my life as an open book before Him, and before others.

My life is no longer my own.

Brokenness and vulnerability are the ongoing themes of my life. But Father God is true to His promise that when we are willing to lose our lives, we truly gain it back, and in fuller measure.

These years I've experienced what it means to live daily with a sense of abundance and provision, an assurance of good things happening.

 

He offers me tremendous freedom to be a transparent vessel for His transforming, healing light to shine through.

 

For I know the plans I have for you, He says, plans for your welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

 

“Where are you in relation to Me?”

 

The question He asks is an invitation for me to be real… and to go deeper.

 

Thus, the answer to His searching question is not so much for Him as it is for me. And for you.

 

God is calling you and me out from where we are hiding, into the light of His presence.

 

And the only suitable answer to God's question is, Hineni. “Behold, here I am."

 

Hineni. Here I stand... before You.

 

Hineni. Here I am, ready to do as You want.

 

Hineni. Here I am; speak Lord, for I am ready to listen, and obey.

 

When I answer, Hineni, then I am in the right place before Him. My heart is empty, my hands are open to accept His gifts of grace. New truths can unfold before me. A fresh revelation of who I am and where I am going can be better appreciated. And I can arrive at a new level of understanding of what my true kingdom purpose is.

 

My life is not defined by this world’s standards. My identity is not shaped by what I have attained, or the value that others have assigned to me. Nor am I imprisoned by past failures, unfulfilled dreams, or unmet expectations.

 

Rather, I am free to view the past, present, and future events of my life from a redeemed perspective. There is a promise of restoration for the years the locust has eaten.  I can synchronize my steps to the rhythm of the song God is singing over me. Life gains a whole new meaning... and the future is mine for the taking!

 

With an eternal perspective, I can see clearly to choose which of the many battles confronting me are worth fighting, and which of the many roads before me is the one that leads to my desired eternal destination.

 

Winter
After autumn comes the winter. There is no escaping the changing of the seasons.

 

When the time comes for me to enter winter's door, I know spring is waiting to greet me.

 

What astounds me is the realization that my story never ends… 

 

Because eternity is forever!

 

And in that Land of Eternal Springtime, we are forever young!

For lo, the winter is past, the rain is over and gone.

The flowers appear on the earth; the time of singing has come,

And the voice of the turtledove is heard in our land.

- Song of Solomon 2:11, 12

 

In Loving Memory

 

Pinky

But He knows the way that I take; 

When He has tested me, I shall come forth as gold.

- Job 23:10

Therefore judge nothing before the time, until the Lord comes, 

who will both bring to light the hidden things of darkness 

and reveal the counsels of the hearts. 

Then each one’s praise will come from God.

- 1 Corinthians 4:5

This is an incredible season of grief and pain. Many of us have experienced the pain of losing friends and family members to the virus.

My friend Pinky is one of them. 

Pinky and I met each other about thirty years ago. She began attending the church that we used to call the 18th Street Church, under our pastor Jerry Osbron. The years went by and I lost track of her. Every now and then, I would see her at an event, but that was all. Ours was a "hello and goodbye" kind of relationship.

The only thing we had in common was the fact that her daughter and mine were classmates in high school, and they became close friends.

Fast forward to October 2020.

I received a call from Pinky asking if she could try a bottle of the kefir probiotic drink that I was advocating.

And that was how it all began. We began to see each other more often. It turned out that she had also enrolled at the weekly Bible study classes held every Wednesday at our church. When the IATF started allowing churches to meet for Sunday worship services again, Pinky also started attending the 7:30 a.m. service at Ikthus.

She would invite me to have lunch together with her after the service. 

On some Wednesdays, after the Bible study class, she and I would go out for coffee or pizza, or an early dinner somewhere.

"Let's be friends, Lidj... because our daughters are best friends," she jokingly said one day.

Sometimes she would pick me up at my home. There would always be many stopovers. I would sit in her red Tamaraw while she dropped off her laundry at the laundrymat. Or pass by the Pet Food store to pick up a bag of dog pellets for her dog Angus. We would go to Ayala Mall to pick up some groceries, then go to the Fiesta Market where she would buy her vegetables for the week. Or go to Tita Pita to get her dinner of lamb burger and pita bread.

In the process, I got to know her better. She was open and honest and did not hesitate to tell me her stories.

Many things struck me about Pinky.

The first thing that struck me was that in listening to her, I began to understand her heart. One day before 2020 was about to end, she said that the past months she has been looking back at her life and wishing she could go back to people she had offended or hurt and make it up to them. She said that being confronted by so many people dying made her realize how short life is, and that whatever time she has left should be used for the glory of God.

I came to know how careful she was about her diet, and her health.

And her spiritual life.

Her Wednesday mornings were spent studying for our Bible study class at 1 p.m. Pinky took time to study her lessons to make sure she came prepared with her answers.

She really appreciated the Bible lessons. Pinky once said to me: "Reading the Bible in depth has opened my eyes to the beauty of God's word. This is how I want to live the rest of my life - for His honor and glory."

 

The last time I saw Pinky was after our CBSI class on the last week of August. She approached me and asked if we can go out together for  a snack. I replied, "Not today, maybe we can go out next week."

The next thing I knew was that Pinky had contracted the virus and was fighting for her life. That was not even two weeks since I last saw her!

On September 20, a Monday night, I received a request for prayers for Pinky as her blood pressure was fluctuating. On Tuesday morning, at around 11 a.m., Pinky breathed her last. Her earthly suffering came to an end, and her eternal life in heaven began. 

Without my asking for it, God had given me Pinky as a friend in the last year of her life. Her last year, I believe, was her best year. She was often so sad for not being able to be with her children because of the pandemic, and she was sick several times as well, but I believe this is what drew her closer to her Savior. She read her Bible often, her faith grew deeper, and it became her goal to live her life for the glory of God.

What a special privilege it is for me, to get to know her in the best year of her life. This is not the same Pinky I met thirty years ago. The Pinky I got to know this past year is someone whose life has been redeemed and transformed by our Lord Jesus Christ.

I wept many tears the morning Pinky passed away. She was gone too soon, just when I was beginning to know her better and appreciate her friendship.

But while her children Timothy and Kadeen, and family members, and other close friends mourn her passing, we can rest in the assurance that God's comfort is real. 

Blessed are those who mourn, 

For they shall be comforted.

- Matthew 5:4

Farewell, dear Pinky. Enjoy the loving presence of our Savior in your eternal home, in that place where there is no more death, no more tears, and no more saying good-bye! 

Here is a song that I believe sums up what Pinky desired in the last year of her life.

Life Out of Death 2021

 

Ohia Growing in Lava

image source

It's been a while. 

So finally, here is another honest heart to heart sharing with you… and most importantly, a sharing of what God our Abba Father has been speaking to me lately. 

Eighteen months ago, a historic event changed our lives, and nobody was really prepared for it. 

Things would be much different if it was a hurricane that swept through the Bahamas, or bush fires that burned for weeks in Southern California, or the rat plague that has recently affected thousands of homes and farms in New South Wales. 

Sad events, yes, but such disasters do not affect us on a global scale. 

The Covid-19 pandemic has impacted the whole world and lives are forever changed. 

In recent months, the virus has even struck so close to home. Some of us have lost a parent, a husband, a wife, a sibling...to Covid. We all know someone who has lost a loved one. We all know a family whose business has suffered great loss. 

The lockdowns in this nation began in March last year, and have continued up to today in varying degrees. 

This pandemic may have caught us all by surprise, but it is not an isolated event. Rather, it is part of the story that God has written in His book for you and me. Psalm 139:16 puts it this way:

Your eyes saw my substance being yet unformed 

And in Your book they all were written, 

The days fashioned for me 

When as yet there was none of them. 

Whether or not we are prepared for it, whatever happens doesn't knock God off His throne. He has seen it coming and is part of the greater story that He is writing. Some of the chapters may be quite messy, but the ending is always glorious.

The story is interactive. We are invited to play an important role. And we have two responses to choose from: 

- to say Yes to God's invitation to join Him in what He is doing, or 

- to say No and turn our backs on God, and live life the way we want to. 

LOCATION STATEMENT 

In the summer of 1997, twenty one years ago, I was given the privilege of spending one month in Rasa, a little village up in the Swiss Alps. There, together with twenty-two other people from different nations, we learned the importance of the spiritual disciplines of solitude and contemplation. For four weeks, our anointed Swiss retreat master, Hans Burki, walked us through the principles and practice of listening prayer and redemptive journaling. 

One important lesson I have not forgotten after all these years is how to take a regular spiritual inventory by asking just one question and searching your heart for honest answers. The question goes like this: 

Where are you now in relation to God? 

The answer to that question is called a location statement. It locates you. It is like you have lost your way, and somebody on the phone is trying to find you by asking you to give landmarks of your surroundings. 

At strategic times in our lives, we need to make a location statement, telling ourselves our spiritual whereabouts. This leads to what one author (Rick Howard) calls “the finding times of God.” 

Our spiritual location statement is first of all determined by our natural, physical circumstances. Paul refers to this when he writes:

However, the spiritual is not first, 

but the natural, and afterward the spiritual. 

- 1 Corinthians 15:46 

Here Paul explains one of the most consistent divine patterns in Scripture: "The spiritual is not first, but the natural, and afterward the spiritual.” 

Paul was referring to the resurrection, but he also was showing us a new way of seeing and understanding. 

God has purposely embedded spiritual truths in the natural world, which only those who have the eyes to see will recognize. 

Determining our location statement works the same way: the sequence would be first the natural, and then the spiritual. What are our present physical circumstances? That would help us see where we are also in the spiritual sense. 

The lockdown that began in 2020 was not really anything new to me. In a manner of speaking, after my husband passed away twelve years ago, I found myself in some kind of a lockdown. Ernie and I had an open relationship; we could talk about almost anything. When he died, my world suddenly became very quiet. 

There were many other changes.  For one, financially I was on my own. Then in June 2018, my fifth grandchild passed away, just two weeks after she was born. A few months later, my best friend also unexpectedly passed away. 

In September last year, William Su, national coordinator of Family Foundations International in the Philippines tested positive for Covid-19 and died just one week after. He was a spiritual father to many of us, a strong and dependable pillar of support. I mourned his death for months. 

During the course of the 2020 lockdown, I noticed a kind of numbness taking over my emotions. 

Maybe it is a defense mechanism… you don’t want to feel the pain, so you choose to look the other way. It is not denial; it is most probably just a subconscious refusal to feel so emotionally involved. 

Truth be said, I have not lost my faith, nor have I turned my back on God. No, I have not backslidden. 

But what was going on? 

I was losing my spiritual appetite. Good Bible teachers I used to listen to no longer appealed to me. Everything tasted bland and insipid. 

So a few weeks ago, I asked the Lord to help me find my location statement. What's going on, Lord?

It didn’t take long to get His reply. He was direct to the point: You are in the process of dying.

It made so much sense to me. I did not struggle with the answer that I received. In fact, believe it or not, it gave me a sense of relief. It was an accurate diagnosis given by the most reliable and credible Doctor; I felt that I was in good hands.

UNLESS A GRAIN OF WHEAT...

This passage from John 12:24-25 immediately came to mind: 

Most assuredly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat 

falls into the ground and dies, it remains alone; 

but if it dies, it produces much grain. 

He who loves his life will lose it, 

and he who hates his life in this world 

will keep it for eternal life. 

So that was my location statement! 

Looking at the circumstances of my life the past months, and my emotional response to them, I was indeed like a grain of wheat planted in the soil. I was alone, everything around me seemed cold and dark. 

And yes, it made so much sense to me. I was in the process of dying. 

Not in a physical sense. But in a manner of speaking, God was stripping me of what used to give my life meaning and significance. 

And this is what I wish to share here... the comforting realizations that followed after God revealed my location statement. 

I have no doubt that this is also where many of my friends and family find themselves in this unpredictable and uncertain season of global lockdowns. 

My prayer is that anybody reading this post will receive much encouragement and comfort.

I DIE DAILY

The apostle Paul writes: 

I affirm, by the boasting in you which I have 

in Christ Jesus our Lord, I die daily. 

- 1 Corinthians 15:31 

One of the dictionary definitions of “die” is to disappear or to subside. 

This is not the normal desire of a human being. On the contrary, man’s natural tendency is self-preservation, self-promotion, self-gratification. 

Paul, in saying “I die daily” is simply stating a Kingdom principle, and that is to become hidden, to be willing to be unrecognized, away from the bright lights of center stage, but working behind the scenes where no one is looking. 

Every day we are faced with many opportunities to die. 

To be disappointed. 

To have plans that do not materialize.

To have dreams that do not become fulfilled. 

Or to be misunderstood, falsely accused, yet being willing to leave things as they are, giving up the need to defend yourself. 

Or it could be a failed business opportunity, a legal battle, a marriage breakdown, a health issue, a wayward son or daughter. 

Disappointment comes in many forms and shapes. We never know what tomorrow brings. 

To die daily is to realize what Jesus Christ himself has said in the John 12:24 passage quoted above. Jesus said that His hour of glorification has come, but before that could happen, He has to be as a grain of wheat that is planted into the ground and dies. 

This global pandemic is one good opportunity God has given us to be willing to die daily. The giving up of what we believe are our inalienable rights, the letting go of many things we used to take for granted.

A grain of wheat that is not planted remains alone, it is practically useless. But planted into the dark, cold soil of opportunities that we find in our present circumstances, the hard protective cover we have placed around our lives softens and begins to disintegrate, the roots develop, and the seed begins to sprout. 

The life within the seed is unlocked, and before we know it, the harvest season comes where that single grain of wheat has produced much grain. 

Christ is our forerunner, our model. 

He willingly gave up His life on the Cross, and He rose victorious from the grave. In the same way, unless we are willing to die, we cannot truly live. 

Out of death comes life. 

That is one Kingdom principle that Abba Father has shown me again and again. Death is never the end, it is only the door through which life enters. 

God said to Saul on the Damascus Road, 

It is hard for you to kick against the goads. 

- Acts 26:14

So He also says to you and me in our dying seasons, “My child, say Yes to My invitation to join Me in what I am doing and producing in Your life. It is hard for you to kick against the goads.” 

DIVINE EXCHANGE 

When I understood that being planted like a grain of wheat was my current location, I began to appreciate anew the spiritual process of dying to self. 

Willingly cooperate, and embrace what we are going through. 

Befriend the season we are in. 

God is sharpening our spiritual senses through our difficult circumstances. 

In relation to this is another Kingdom principle at work in our spiritual lives, the principle of the Divine Exchange. 

God is the God of the Divine Exchange. 

He is always smarter than the enemy. He is not ahead by just one step, God has it all planned out to the very end. Before we even pray, God has already prepared the answers. He knows the end from the beginning.

I am God, and there is no one like Me.

Declaring the end and the result from the beginning.

And from ancient times the things which have not [yet] been done,

Saying, "My purpose will be established,

And I will do all that pleases Me and fulfills My purpose."

- Isaiah 46:9-10 (Amplified Bible)

 

In a difficult season of my life many years ago, when I thought I had reached rock bottom, I discovered that the Savior of my soul was there, waiting for me. I fell not on hard rock, but into His gentle loving arms. 

The same is still true today. God our Creator and Sustainer is at the end of our life stories waiting for us. 

What the enemy intended for evil, God has turned around for good. 

The Genesis 50:20 principle is what I call the 50:20 vision – where Joseph says to his brothers, 

 But as for you, you meant evil against me, 

but God meant it for good… 

What the enemy intends for evil, God turns around for good. 

In the seeming dead end situations of our lives, God is our Way Maker. When the Israelites faced the Red Sea, God made a path for them. 

God allures us, brings us into the wilderness, and it is in the dry and barren situations of our lives that God speaks comfort, gives us back the vineyards we thought we have lost. 

I will give her her vineyards from there, 

 And the Valley of Achor as a door of hope. 

- Hosea 2:14-15

In our valleys of trouble, God opens a door of hope. 

The psalmist writes, 

As they pass through the Valley of Baca 

They make it a spring; 

The rain also covers it with pools, 

They go from strength to strength… 

- Psalm 84:6-7

Even in the dry valleys that we pass through, God enables us to turn it into springs, God sends His refreshing rains, and in place of our weakness Abba Father exchanges it with strength to endure and overcome. 

One of my favorite passages about Divine Exchange is in Isaiah 45:2-3. 

I will go before you 

And make the crooked place straight, 

I will break in pieces the gates of bronze 

And cut the bars of iron. 

I will give you the treasures of darkness 

And hidden riches of secret places, 

That you may know that I the Lord 

Who call you by your name 

Am the God of Israel. 

God spoke those words to King Cyrus, but He is also saying them to us today. He straightens our crooked places, He breaks in pieces the gates of bronze that stand in our way. And out of our darkest night, God says He will give us the treasures of darkness, the hidden riches of secret places. 

For one reason alone, that we may know that He is the Lord God of Israel. 

There is a coming day of restoration, the Lord promises again and again. He will restore the years that the locust has eaten. The best wine is reserved for the last. He brings both the former rains and the latter rains, in our planting seasons, and at the time of harvest. He brings us to green pastures and quiet waters. He restores our soul. 

On that day I will raise up 

The tabernacle of David, which has fallen down, 

 And repair its damages; I will raise up its ruins, 

And rebuild it as in the days of old. 

- Amos 9:11

God has created you and me for a purpose and a destiny. But  the road to getting there is not the easy road. We are called to die that we may bear much spiritual fruit. 

The broken pieces of our lives will be restored to be used for His glory. 

 God is the God of the Divine Exchange. 

We read the job description of Jesus Christ, the Author and Finisher of our faith, in Isaiah 61:1-3, and it is the same job description that God has given us: 

To preach good tidings to the poor, 

He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted, 

To proclaim liberty to the captives, 

And the opening of the prison to those who are bound. 

To proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord, 

And the day of vengeance of our God, 

To comfort all who mourn, 

To console those who mourn in Zion, 

To give them beauty for ashes, 

The oil of joy for mourning, 

The garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; 

That they may be called trees of righteousness, 

The planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified. 

I love what Isaiah 61:7 says:

Instead of your shame you shall have double honor 

And instead of confusion they shall rejoice in their portion, 

Therefore in their land they shall possess double, 

Everlasting joy shall be theirs. 

A NEW THING 

God is doing a new thing in this season. We have not passed this way before, but God promises never to leave us or forsake us. 

And though the Lord gives you 

The bread of adversity and the water of affliction, 

Yet your teachers will not be moved into a corner anymore, 

But your eyes shall see your teachers, 

Your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, 

“This is the way, walk in it.” 

- Isaiah 30:20-21 

Just a few closing thoughts as I end. 

Because we have not passed this way before, what is the best response we can have to the invitation Abba Father extends to us to join Him in what He is working out in our lives? 

We need to remember that a dying person needs a lifeline. These are perilous times we are in. The barrage of misinformation is overwhelming. The enemy is relentless in seeking to sow division and confusion in our midst. We remain hidden in the soil for this is a crucial season of growth. But we stay close to Him, never letting go of the lifeline, keeping communication lines open. 

Prayer is our lifeline. 

Intimacy with our Lord is the ultimate goal. 

Only a fool would say No to the invitation. 

Many are called, many are invited, but only a few are chosen. 

May we be among those who delight in the season of hiddenness and obscurity, cooperating with God in the process, and looking forward to the day of harvest. 

Behold, I will do a new thing 

Now it shall spring forth, 

Shall you not know it? 

I will even make a road in the wilderness 

And rivers in the desert. 

 - Isaiah 43:19 

 Those who sow in tears 

Shall reap in joy 

He who continually goes forth weeping, 

Bearing seed for sowing, 

Shall doubtless come again with rejoicing 

Bringing his sheaves with him. 

- Psalm 126:5-6