The More I Seek Him

Aslan and Lucy in Prince Caspian

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“Aslan," said Lucy. "You're bigger."

"That is because you are older, little one," answered he.

"Not because you are?"

"I am not. But every year you grow, you will find me bigger.”

- C.S. Lewis, Prince Caspian: The Return to Narnia 
The Chronicles of Narnia (1951, Harper Collins, 1994) 141. 

But from there you will seek the Lord your God, 

and you will find Him if you seek Him 

with all your heart and with all your soul.

Deuteronomy 4:29

...give thanks in all circumstances; 
for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.
1 Thessalonians 5:18

By him therefore let us offer 
the sacrifice of praise to God continually, 

that is, the fruit of our lips 
giving thanks to his name.

- Hebrews 13:15

I haven't been around blogger much the past months. There have just been too many things on my plate, and writing blog posts has not been at the top of my list. I have written a few brief posts on my other blog Holy Ground ; otherwise, I've been mostly silent on blogworld.

Much as I want to keep this blog updated, lately it has been difficult to sit down and come up with well-thought-out posts. This saddens me, because writing blog posts helps me to hear myself think and brings a little clarity into my inner life. It is also one of my "emotional tank fillers."

To be honest, there has not been much time for me the past months for soul-searching, solitude, and reflection.

It's not that I have backslidden or drifted away. Nothing of the sort. God is my All in all, and there will never be a time that He is not my true source of life.

We all go through seasons.

I do feel the inner hunger and longing of my soul to connect to God at a much deeper level, to drink from the fountain of His wisdom and quench my thirst for His healing presence. Yes, the parched ground of my heart is waiting to be flooded again with life-giving water.


These days I am in my father's home in Manila to spend a couple of weeks with my daughter after a time of ministry in Tagaytay City. And for this much-needed respite, I am truly grateful.

It affords me some quality time to listen to my heart, commune with my heavenly Father, and write my thoughts down.

The year 2018 in our Gregorian calendar overlaps with the year 5778, or Ayin Chet, in the Hebrew calendar.

The number 8 is represented by the character chet in the Hebrew alphabet.

The picture we get from the character chet is that of a doorway in a wall or fence. It is a passageway, and connotes a crossing over from one place to another.

As I look back at the past months, it does seem that the crossing over idea implied in chet fits my circumstances perfectly.

When the year began, it felt like I was in a waiting season, and that God was positioning me for something He had yet to reveal. Although I welcomed 2018 with a sense of quiet excitement for what lies ahead, I was also aware of uncertainty lurking in my heart as the days and weeks went by.

Several reasons account for this.

I am in the middle of a legal battle, one that is not of my doing, yet the only option open to me is to face it. During the times I had come to Father's throne room regarding this, His word seemed like this was the path to removing hindrances from my past that stands in the way of new kingdom assignments He has for me. God means it for good; nevertheless, I have to go through it.

I am praying for and believing in a favorable outcome, and wisdom for both my legal counsel and the judge. But I admit fear of the what ifs floods my heart every now and then.

And naturally, where there is fear, there is no real joy.

There's no doubt that heavenly Father knows my heart—He knows my spirit trusts Him, but my soul is in the process of working it out.


In January my daughter-in-law God-given was in her third month of pregnancy with her third child. Knowing it would not be easy for them, given their work schedules, I had decided even then that if needed, I would take an active role in caring for my new grandchild. This would mean a major adjustment for me, but I was willing.

They also needed a bigger bedroom for themselves and the new baby. Immediate plans were made to remove the furniture and things belonging to Ernie and me that were still in our old bedroom in our former home next door that now belonged to First Born Son and God-Given.

After First-Born Son and God-Given were married in early 2008, Ernie and I decided to move to our other house next door so they could have the house to themselves. We were still living in Chiang Mai, Thailand then. We returned from Thailand end of September that same year, three weeks before first grandchild Forerunner was born.

Ernie passed away unexpectedly in November.

With events happening one after the other—re-entry after a year-long absence, getting settled in a new house, new daughter-in-law, new grandson, Ernie's death, grieving—that old bedroom had remained virtually untouched for nearly ten years. It was the bedroom my husband and I shared for thirty years of our life together and many valuable memories were made in that room. I knew I had to deal with it sooner or later, but had kept putting it off.  Maybe subconsciously I was waiting until I was emotionally ready.

New grandchild was arriving sometime in June, and the room would require repairs, so I had to move fast. My big question was where to transfer all the things inside the closets, as well as most of the furniture in the room. I really did not have that much extra space in my home.


Meanwhile, my 65th  birthday was approaching, and I wanted a quiet but special celebration.


Our ministry, the Family Foundations International - Philasia, shifted into high gear beginning January. New doors were opening, and more ministry opportunities were coming our way.


The past months our nation has been undergoing too many changes all at the same time, and there is serious need for fervent intercession for our government and people.


In April, my daughter Obedient One left for a month long trip to the USA and Peru. I made two trips to Manila—one in April to see her off, and another one in May, to welcome her back.

Obedient One, on the Inca Trail to Machu Picchu, Cusco, Peru

May 2018

Obedient One in Machu Picchu, Cusco, Peru
May 2018

And life goes on.

My weekly commitments continue: Monday night Bible study, Tuesday FFI ministry team lunch and meeting, Thursday lunch devotional with the women at church, Friday evening Shabbath meal, Saturday morning intercession, Sunday morning worship service, Sunday family get-together, special birthday celebrations, coffee meetups with friends...

Then there's my daily routine of domestic duties, garden maintenance, and marketing, not to mention looking after five medium-sized dogs needing my personal touch and attention.


On top of all these, a structural issue with my right foot has hampered my physical mobility and I can no longer move as fast as I used to.

My ayin chet. Going through the passageway of mixed emotions.

Waiting...

Quiet expectation...

Uncertainty...

Hope...

But never forgetting my two words for this year: gratitude and worship.

In early May I was finally able to empty our old bedroom. Boxes and plastic crates of clothes, books, personal effects, ornaments, letters, photographs, picture frames, memorabilia, bed linen, comforters, suitcases, a wicker chest, modular shelves and many others... found their way into my living room. 

The good thing about it is that it was all done in one day. Without the emotions that I feared would arise in the process. 

Another good thing is that it gave First Born Son and God-given just enough time to do repairs on the bathroom and the bedroom—re-tiling the floor, repainting the walls and ceiling, replacing the window screens, etc. 

I am very happy that light and life have once again entered that beautiful bedroom which was once a very special place for me and Ernie and our three children. 

However, the not-so-good thing is that all those things are now sitting in my front room. Thirty years of accumulated stuff, all of which I did not touch—or even need!—in the past ten years. 

Next comes the hard part of sorting through it, discarding and giving away most of it.  

But even that has to wait, for now.

On Saturday, June 16, my daughter-in-law God-given gave birth by C-section to her third baby. She developed pre-eclampsia during labor and her blood pressure went very high. Even two hours after the operation, her blood pressure had not normalized. She had a severe headache, the kind she had never experienced before.

Marla Elisha, my fifth grandchild was a tiny 4.1-pound baby at birth, but we were happy she had an APGAR score of 9. She was in the neo-natal ICU (NICU) for tests, waiting for her mother's blood pressure to normalize so she could finally be breastfed. She had an IV drip to keep her hydrated. They tried to feed her by dropping milk formula into her mouth.

God-given started feeling better on Monday morning, and she went to the NICU to breastfeed her baby for the first time. A second blood test that same day showed that Baby Marla had a blood infection and was put on antibiotics.

It is a long story.

They were able to bring Baby Marla home on Friday evening, a week after she was born. Thankfully, the baby was breastfeeding vigorously by then. But she still needed antibiotics, so she was brought to the hospital twice a day for the next four days for the injections.

Precious Baby Marla, six days after birth

Just after midnight on June 28, God-given noticed Marla was having difficulty breathing, so they rushed her to the hospital. The baby was admitted to the Pediatric ICU where a long struggle for her life took place.

I will not go into the painful details. Too many procedures were done on her fragile body in an attempt to address the issues. Too many tubes attached. Too much blood drawn several times a day to monitor how she was doing. At one time, six baby specialists were on board, each one with his or her set of medical protocol and management.

A tiny baby can only take so much.

Yes, we prayed for and believed in divine healing. But in His wisdom and compassion, Jesus took her home to heaven on June 30, 2018, exactly 14 days after she was born.

I was in Manila at that time for an Ancient Paths seminar in Tagaytay City. All the while this ordeal was going on for my dear daughter in law, God-given, I was being updated by phone calls and text messages. What a blessing it was to have Ruby, a precious friend, close by, upholding us in prayer and helping me to keep my faith strong. What a blessing indeed!

Our pastor, Pastor Joe, Ruby's husband William, my second son, Worshiper, my sis-in-law Sue, and a few other close friends, were around to give support to the family during and after baby Marla's last few moments here on earth.

I arrived back in Bacolod the following day to a grieving First Born son, daughter-in-law God-given, and first grandson Forerunner.

The pain is deep and the grief is overwhelming at times. Were it not for the grace of God, where would we be?

We had all looked forward to Marla's arrival, but God had other plans. She left us much too soon...



On July 4 we buried my newest grandchild, Baby Marla Elisha.

This is the season of our grief, and I am embracing the pain, and not wasting my sorrows. I believe in the Divine exchange. The day is coming when our mourning will turn to dancing, and our sorrow will turn to joy. Meanwhile we hold the hand of Jesus and cling to the truth that Abba Father knows what is best for us.

I know we will all go through the tunnel of grief ... for reasons known to God alone.

Even as I write these words, tears are falling. If I am grieving, how much more Marla's mother and father?

But  through my tears, I sense my heart saying, "Consider it an honor...that God would entrust you with this."

Yes, it's an honor...

So we will grieve in faith, in hope, and in the comfort of God's love.

I know we will not go through that tunnel alone.

There is One whose Son also died, One who understands and feels our pain. He holds our hands and collects our tears in His bottle.

How long does one grieve for a loved one?

They say the grieving never ends, you re-build your life around that grief.

And how does one respond when there is pain in the offering?

My heart will choose to say, "Blessed be the name of the Lord."


But what is God saying in the midst of all this?

The timing of the seasons is not accidental.

Tomorrow, at sundown, we will celebrate Rosh Hashanah, also called Feast of Trumpets or Yom Teruah. The year 5779  in the Hebrew calendar begins.

In my previous Rosh Hashanah posts, I have written much about the significance of the decade of the 70s, called ayin in Hebrew.

The ayin has a numerical value of 70, and its pictorial symbol is that of two eyes. As we know, 70 is a prophetic number in the Bible - Jacob's family numbered 70 when they moved to Egypt, and there were 70 disciples sent out by Jesus on their first assignment. It is the number of years that Jews were in Babylon; 70 stands for the end of an exile. In Daniel 9, the angel Gabriel gives Daniel the prophecy of 70 sevens (or 490 years), the prophetic timeline for the second coming of Jesus Christ.

The two eyes of ayin speak of two perspectives - good or evil. We choose what we see. But God is activating a divine perspective in His people in this decade. The eyes of our hearts are being opened like never before, and we are receiving understanding to know the times and the seasons of God not only in our personal circumstances, but in the rest of the world as well.

ayin

It is said that "each new Hebraic year combines with the years before. The new year does not negate the prophetic activity or meaning connected with the past year. Rather, each year enhances the previous. It’s like God is baking celestial bread and each year a new ingredient is added." (Lance Wallnau, Midnight Prophetic Watch Word)

Isn't that awesome?

Tomorrow, the year 5779 begins. Being the last year of this decade, it is a transitional year.

The number 9 in the Bible stands for the perfect moves of God. It is also a number that stands for patience - the willingness to wait for the fullness of time for God's perfect will to be accomplished. For me, the message implied in this number is clear: God is moving and I am waiting.

The Hebrew character for 9 is tet; it is depicted by a picture of an open container, which can also represent a womb, or an empty vessel.

Beautiful prophetic meanings abound and let me mention just a few.

Tet points to God as Creator. The first occurrence of this Hebrew character in the Bible is found in Genesis 1:4, where God saw the light He had just created and called it tov (Hebrew for "good"), where the t in the beginning of this word is tet. 

God as Creator creates life and is an active agent for new birth.

Tet also represents an empty vessel, a humble and teachable heart that is ready to be filled. It represents the work of the Holy Spirit in hearts that are open.

Some scholars say tet is the picture of the veil being torn in two - from top to bottom, and points to the finished work of Jesus on the Cross. It therefore points to Jesus as our great High Priest who has paid the ultimate sacrifice that we may gain direct access to the heavenly Holy of Holies where God is eternally present.

So much more can be said about tet, but I think I have said enough to make a point.

So,what does this mean for me personally?

I believe I am entering the year when God is revealing Himself as Creator. I am looking for new birth in my circumstances,  creative miracles, creative provision. A crown of beauty from ashes. The oil of joy instead of mourning. A garland of praise instead of despair.

I empty my cup before Him and receive a fresh outpouring of wisdom, discernment, and revelation.

Knowing Jesus as my great High Priest, I enter boldly into God's throne of grace, where I find mercy and grace in my time of need.

One more thing about ayin: it is a silent letter. It does not have to be heard. It speaks of humility. It also speaks of hiddenness, which is very much how I feel these days. To be hidden behind the cross, and to live my life before an audience of One.

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It is all falling into place so beautifully as I stand at the threshold of the year ayin tet.

The personal message of Abba Father to me in this season is that if I keep my heart open to receive, He is more than willing to fill it up.

Last night, I was reminded of that great lion Aslan's words to Lucy, in C.S. Lewis' Chronicles of Narnia:

Every year you grow, you will find me bigger.

What joy filled my heart when I remembered those lines!

Perspective is everything!

In a place of pain and adversity and uncertainty, God brings understanding... God brings growth...

and every year I grow, I will find Him bigger. 

You will seek Me and find Me 

when you search for Me with all your heart.

- Jeremiah 29:13