Looking Back... Looking Forward

English Countryside Spring Morning

Enlarge the place of your tent,

And let them stretch out the curtains of your dwellings;

Do not spare;

Lengthen your cords,

And strengthen your stakes.

For you shall expand to the right and to the left,

And your descendants will inherit the nations,

And make the desolate cities inhabited.

Do not fear, for you will not be ashamed;

Neither be disgraced, for you will not be put to shame;

For you will forget the shame of your youth,

And will not remember the reproach of your widowhood anymore.

For your Maker is your husband,

The LORD of hosts is His name;

And your Redeemer is the Holy One of Israel;

He is called the God of the whole earth.

- Isaiah 54:3-5

Today is Palm Sunday, the day Jesus entered Jerusalem riding on a donkey and throngs of people gathered around him, waving palm branches and welcoming Him as Messiah. They of course did not understand His role as a spiritual redeemer; they expected Him to be a political deliverer. 

And we know the continuation of the story. Just a week later, there would be another crowd of people shouting for His crucifixion. And Jesus would lay down His life, becoming the true Yeshua HaMashiach, the Lamb of God who becomes our Passover sacrificial lamb, our Deliverer.

This morning I went to church knowing very well the significance of this day. The word was given by Pastor Bong. I am actually still in awe of the way God spoke to me through the preaching.

There is no point in repeating what was said... all I can say is that it was a timely word that I needed to hear.

We can be so frugal with grace, so stingy with our forgiveness... as if there was not enough of it for everyone. How easy it is for us to hold on to our negative, self-righteous judgment, rationing our compassion, setting limits to the number of times we are willing to forgive an offender.

Not so with God.

The parable talks about a rich man who threw a party for the cream of the crop of society. But when all of them gave their excuses for not being able to attend, he commands his servants to go to the side streets and the off-roads where the outcast and the downtrodden lived. He extends his invitation to them.

In giving this parable, Jesus was defining His church. He has come not for the elite and the righteous, but for the dregs of society. 

Those in need of much redeeming and healing grace... those in need of being forgiven, over and over again.

What a touching message it was, especially for me in the condition my heart is in.

God has spoken many times to me these past weeks, but somehow, a huge question mark still hung over my head.

Will He do as promised?

Will He deliver?

My mind believes... but my heart doubts. A classic example of the I believe, help me in my unbelief scenario.

And so four days ago, God once again called out to me and reminded me of the words from Isaiah 54 that I quoted above.

Do not fear, for you will not be ashamed;

Neither be disgraced, for you will not be put to shame;

For you will forget the shame of your youth,

And will not remember the reproach of your widowhood anymore. (Isaiah 54:2)

Two mornings ago I woke up from a vivid dream. In my dream, a dear friend had died, and her body was placed in a coffin. Another friend and I had taken care of the details, and now that her body was ready for the wake, we had about an hour to go home and get dressed. On our way out of the viewing room where the coffin was, I was surprised to notice that my friend who was supposed to be in the coffin had been revived and was sitting on the chair beside her coffin. Very much alive. We passed by her, doing our best to ignore her, pretending we didn't see her waving at us.

We went home to freshen up and change our clothes. When we returned, the hall was filled with friends and relatives who had come for the wake, but were instead surprised, just like us, to see that this friend who we thought had died was alive and well.

There was a positive message contained in this dream. God was speaking to me as if to say that the circumstances of my life were not as I thought they were. What I thought had died was very much alive.

There are many other things that have been happening the past days to confirm what God has been trying to impress in my heart.

My Maker is my Husband... Jehovah Sabaoth, the Lord of Angel Armies is His name, my Redeemer is the Holy One of Israel... the God of the whole earth.

What could be more powerful than that?

In the midst of what I am going through internally... life goes on. 

There were many opportunities for me to look back at the past years of my life.

Last month I went to Manila to attend the 45th anniversary of our High School graduation. At the Sofitel Hotel all jubilarians of  St. Theresa's College, Manila, gathered to celebrate our excellent and exceptional education and give tribute to our alma mater.

It was such a meaningful gathering of High School friends, many of whom had returned home from other parts of the world just to be at this event. I appreciated being reconnected with old time schoolmates... it was literally like a blast from the past... a deja vu... recalling what it was like then.

And of course, as beautiful as those memories are, they are all a part of the past. 

I had an opportunity to be with two of my dearest friends from High School, to touch base so to speak, and to re-discover who we have become over the years of separation both in terms of time and distance.

The gap is too wide to be bridged. There will never be enough time to tell the stories that fall in between the then and now.

We had to be content with what we are able to share with one another within the small amount of time available.

My younger sister was in our home in Manila, visiting for a few months.

This too is a blast from the past. We had precious times of bonding together... re-living precious moments of our growing up years.

But more than our common upbringing and heritage... what I enjoy now is my present relationship with her, what it is now, and what it is becoming - a mature friendship between two sisters who share many beautiful memories together.

Yet, after a few days of being together, I had to say good-bye and return to my home city. We have our separate lives now, and that fact has to be embraced and accepted.

And just two days ago, I once again celebrated my wedding day. If Ernie were still alive, we would have been married 38 years.

But really, I am so thankful for the thirty years that I had with this man who was my husband.

I could not have asked for more. To do so would have been cruel and selfish of me.

For I truly believe that when God took Ernie home to heaven, it was an act of mercy and grace.

Because I have known this all along, there was never a time when I questioned what happened eight years ago. It may have been painful, and the grieving of my loss so real, but there was never any question in my heart as to why he was taken away so soon.

Remembering the important dates is my way of honoring the memories, not holding on to them. There is a huge difference between the two.

There have been times lately when, because of the uncertain circumstances I am facing, I have longed for Ernie's strong and reassuring presence by my side, but God has quickly dealt with those feelings by reminding me of passages in Scripture that have been more real to me at this time than at any other.

Father of the fatherless, a Defender of widows, is God in His holy habitation. (Psalm 68:5)

Another chapter in my life story is worth telling at this point.

For more than twenty years I have lived with an unresolved relational issue with one of Ernie's family members. I'm not exactly sure how it began, but I understand that I was being blamed for something I am certain I had not intentionally done. I didn't measure up, I wasn't good enough... this was the message behind it all. Despite my sincere attempts to reach out and help heal the relationship, nothing seemed to work. Until one day I stopped trying altogether and laid the matter in God's hands. I distanced myself and found peace in that. But I kept my heart open. That way, things will be easy when she is ready to take the relationship to the next level.

I returned from Manila first week of this month. She was in town for a short visit from the US. And of course, there was no way I could avoid seeing her, since our extended family gets together often. Honestly my initial reaction was to maintain my distance and stay away, just to avoid any unfavorable encounters. But the word God whispered in my heart was clear: You have kept your heart open all these years... now is the time that I will pour the healing balm upon that relationship. Be willing to extend a welcoming hand.

And I did.

Today two weeks later I must say that the healing balm has indeed been poured into our hearts. All I did was to keep my heart open and available. Something shifted and changed in the equation of our relationship. I didn't want to bring old wounds into the season of healing that I knew God was opening up before us. In this case, God did break through. God did deliver.

Today is Palm Sunday, the day when Jesus was publicly proclaimed as the Messiah, the Deliverer. It is also the Vernal Equinox, the first day of spring. Two days ago, it was my wedding anniversary. In just a week from today, it will be Resurrection Sunday, the same day I celebrate my 63rd birthday. 

In more ways than one, despite the nagging doubts at the back of my mind, this is a truly significant month for me!

A fitting name for this month is: Looking back... looking forward.

It cannot be denied. God is doing a new thing in my life,  I have just been having a difficult time believing it.

These are days when my faith is on hold, and my bottle of hope is running low. 

But as always, God my Father is very patient with me. I know He understands.

In my two previous posts I have shared about how God is bringing me up to the next level of my faith journey. It's a slow process but I'm getting there... yes, I'm getting there. 

What's significant about this year is that it is the year of jubilee... the year of restoration, the year of redemption, the year of favor, the year of vindication.

I certainly don't want to hold on to the past. If anything, the past serves as a receptacle for all the many lessons I need to learn and remember. The past is a good teacher... but I do not want to live there. Living in the past seasons of my life will fill my heart with regrets or doubts.

Definitely, God is bringing me to a new season.

Do not remember the former things,

Nor consider the things of old.

Behold, I will do a new thing,

Now it shall spring forth;

Shall you not know it?

I will even make a road in the wilderness

And rivers in the desert.

- Isaiah 43:18-19

I want to enjoy my present, flowing with the anointing and significance of this new season, and looking forward to the glorious promises God has in store for me.

Below is a prophetic word by Cindy Jacobs that was recorded on February 10, 2016. It speaks of the new season God has for us:

For the Lord would say, "You are moving into a new season." 

And the Lord says, "You must leave the remnants of the old season behind you." 

And the Lord says, "This is a time to take stock of things that have troubled you, old pain, old wounding." 

And the Lord says, "You must shake the dust off your feet of the pain of your yesterday, so I can bring you into a new tomorrow."

And God says, "Come up to a higher place. I'm going to show you how to walk in a new place where the fiery darts of the enemy do not wound your heart, but you are immediately able to deal with what comes at you, " says the Lord. "You are able to resist the devil and he will flee from you," says God.

And the Lord says, "Know this, I am giving you a time of wearing new armor, for some of your armor is so battered and bruised from the last season; but I would say to you, close the holes in your armor - those things that have hurt you."

And the Lord says, "If you will do that, you are going to come to a triumphant place where, even though the enemy will try to pull you down, it will not be lasting but momentary. Those things that used to take you down emotionally and it would take you days to overcome -- it will be fleeting," says God.

"For I have given you authority to overcome; I have given you authority to walk in a new and higher place with me," says God.

So the Lord says, "Come into a time where even you form prayer alliances because, if there is a challenge before you that you're not able to overcome on your own," the Lord says, "I will bring two, and I will bring three to agree with you. Ask Me for those people who will stand with you in agreement."

And God says, "If you will do that, you're going to be strong, a three-fold cord who can break? I want to strengthen you. I want to bring people into your life who will stand with you," says God, "even in the midst of the difficult moments."

So God says, "Rise up, My beloved, rise up; come away with Me. Let Me show you those wounds of the past, so you can cut them off, so you can come into your new season. You cannot bring them into a new season, for if you do, the new season will become like the old season. I want everything to become new, and do a new thing in your life," says the Lord.  Elijah List

Amazing, timely word!

Even more amazing is the word spoken by God Himself. As I end this post, I want to go back to the passage from Isaiah 54:5 that I quoted at the start.

The passage is rich with meaning! 

Redeemer carries with it the idea of "next of kin" or "kinsman," just as Boaz was with Ruth who took upon himself the kinsman's duty of protection.

Your Maker is your Husband speaks of how the God who created me is also the one who is committed to keep His covenant to care, protect, and provide for me, as in a husband-wife relationship. 

The Lord of hosts is one of the names of God, and this particular name speaks of sovereign power and sure victory over the enemy.

Not only is He the Holy One of Israel, He is also the God of the whole earth, meaning He is God both of the Jews and the rest of the Gentile world.

I am looking forward to how the Lord, my Maker, my Husband, the Lord of Hosts, my Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel, the God of all the earth... will prove Himself faithful. 

Here is a stirring song Warrior Bride by Julie Hall.