The Empty Cup: Making Space

Empty Cup

oil painting by Erin Lee Gafill

image source

I will give you the treasures of darkness

And hidden riches of secret places

That you may know that I, the LORD,

Who call you by your name,

Am the God of Israel.

- Isaiah 45:3

Wherever there is life there is movement and growth. Wherever life manifests itself we have to be prepared for surprises, unexpected changes, and constant renewal. Nothing alive is the same from moment to moment. To live is to face the unknown over and over again. Life requires trust... Essential to living is trust in an unknown future that requires a surrender to the mystery of the unpredictable. - Henri Nouwen

When my husband Ernie passed away in November 2008, my son Worshiper and his fiancee Chosen One were already planning to tie the knot sometime in mid 2009. With his father's unexpected death, he decided to honor me by postponing his wedding, to give our family time to grieve our loss and bring closure to our season of grief before the wedding.

Worshiper and Chosen One scheduled the date of their wedding day for December 2009, a month after the first anniversary of Ernie's home-going.

That was truly an honoring thing for my son to do. 

First Born had gotten married earlier in 2008, and he and his wife lived next door to us. Third child Obedient One moved to Manila in 2006. 

At the time of Ernie's death, Worshiper was the only son we had living with us. 

What a blessing it was for me to still have one son around! 

Worshiper is already an adult, so he actually has a life of his own. His job also requires him to work odd hours, and I travel to Manila often to visit my daughter.

My son and I didn't see each other much. But just knowing he was around gave me much comfort. He and I would go to church together Sunday mornings, then have a special lunch somewhere.

On New Year's Eve 2009, a few days after their wedding, Worshiper brought home his brand new wife Chosen One to live with us.

Worshiper's original plan was for him and Chosen One to rent a place of their own after the wedding. But again, he took my situation into consideration and they opted to stay with me for a while.

A year after they got married, little Elijah was born. We all bonded and blended well as a family. I appreciate Chosen One for being a very kind and sensitive daughter in law. 

But now, as they are entering their fifth year of marriage, with their first son already turning four, and another little one to be born toward the end of this year, Worshiper and Chosen One felt that the time has come for them to move into a place of their own, a place to give them more room and freedom to grow as a family.

Worshiper and his family moved out of the nest three weeks ago. 

Nearly six years have passed since Ernie went home to heaven. In many ways, I grieved his passing all by myself, in silence. 

But physically, I was never really alone at home. Worshiper, and later on, his family, were with me.

But on July 6, the day they left, the home was strangely quiet. 

There was no one puttering around in the kitchen preparing a meal, there was no cheerful chatter and laughter of little Elijah playing with his toys, no one knocking at my bedroom door asking for a bedtime story. There were no building blocks and stray Lego pieces lying around on the floor.

Thirty-six years after Ernie and I got married, my nest was finally empty.

It was a peaceful feeling, but I did not hold back the tears.

Through tear-filled eyes, I looked back at the years of raising our family. I can say that it has indeed been worth all the effort. Countless lessons learned, year after year of dying to self, learning to forgive, learning to trust God in the midst of trials and difficulties, and above all, remembering the joys of what we have all gone through and accomplished together as a family of five. 

That evening, sitting alone at my prayer desk, I thanked Abba Father for my three children, for how they have reached independence and adulthood without giving me and Ernie much trouble. Each one of them gave their allegiance to Jesus Christ as their Lord at an early age. They all finished their university studies well, and soon afterward, became gainfully employed. My two sons have chosen for themselves good wives, both God fearing, and hard-working. My two daughters in law are a blessing to me. 

I thanked God for the kindness of Worshiper, understanding my need for companionship while I was still in my grieving season.

With their leaving, I know I have entered a new season.

The next two weeks were spent rearranging the furniture, putting a few of my favorite decors back where they used to be. 

I have placed a reading table next to the bookshelf containing some of my favorite books and family photos.

I am gradually getting used to quiet evenings at home by myself.

Eating meals alone. 

Reading. 

Praying undisturbed in my prayer room.

Listening to soft music. 

Here's one of my favorites: (click on the video and continue reading)

As July comes to an end, there is a beautiful name for her. I call this month The Empty Cup.

The four weeks of this month went by so quickly! Many events have happened. 

This month our family celebrated the birthdays of my two daughters, Chosen One and God-given. What deep love my Father has given me for these my sons' wives, now daughters I love to call my own, though they were raised and nurtured by different mothers.

I arrived here in Manila the other day after a ten-day ministry trip in Davao City.

Today Obedient One goes to Cebu City where she and her friends are joining the Ironman 70.3 Triathlon.

My three children have all left the nest and are now living their own lives, pursuing their own dreams.

Within a few months two more grandchildren will be added to our family.

I may have "lost" my children as children, but now I am experiencing the joy of having them back as adult friends.

Still, my First Born son never fails to say to me, "I love you, Mama," each time he sees me.

God-given bought me a brand new refrigerator on the day Worshiper and his family moved out.

My five-year old grandson Matthew always makes it a point to kiss me good-bye before leaving for school each morning.

Second grandson Elijah did not want to leave one Sunday afternoon when they came over to visit. He ended up staying overnight with me. What a precious time we had, just him and Nana.

Truly my cup overflows. There is always something to be thankful for. 

The love of family fills my heart.

I couldn't ask for more.

And yet... in another sense, I know there is something more.

As I have entered yet another new season, there is a constant emptying required for me to move up to the next level.

God continues to awaken me before dawn, and if I heed His invitation to draw near, and spend time in His presence, His still small voice is clearly heard.

I have always been drawn to the spirituality of the desert and the night seasons, for it is in that place where God speaks tenderly to me.

Charles Ringma, one of my favorite devotional authors, writes:

Christian experience is not simply one of green pastures 
and flowing streams,

it is also the place of emptiness.

How those words resonate in my spirit!

Yes... yes... yes!

I must also embrace the place of emptiness.

While God's banquet table is spread out for the sons and daughters of the Kingdom of Heaven, God's children are also invited to dark and lonely places in their experience of the grace of God. (Ringma)

The dark and lonely places of our lives play a crucial role in the shaping and molding of our inner man.

The empty cup is to me a symbol of my willingness to change... to grow... and to become.

To hold my empty cup before the Father is to admit to Him my thirst, my hunger, my need to be filled.

Tell Abba that I am ready to be surprised.

In this place of emptiness I lay down my defenses and my pre-conceived notions about myself and others.

I lay down my judgments.

I allow myself to be vulnerable. Take off my masks and let others see me, just as I am...

Come out of hiding, walk in the light, in transparency, allowing them to see through me, without cringing in fear.

Accept even the false accusations that life throws at me, letting go of the need to protect my heart.

Or to fight back.

This world has numbed our senses and continually tells us that we need so much to be happy...

that we must be in the right,

affirmed,

understood.

But actually the opposite is true.

A lot of times, I have found that it is in experiencing emptiness that true joy comes.

One of my all time fave quotes:

Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart

and try to love the questions themselves,

like locked rooms and like books that are now written

in a very foreign tongue.

Do not now seek the answers, 

which cannot be given you

because you would not be able to live them.

And the point is to live everything.

Live the questions now.

Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it,

live along some distant day into the answer.

- Rainer Maria Rilke

The point is to live everything.

There is joy in having, but there is also joy in not having, not knowing, not understanding.

Because in the end, it is when our cups are empty, when we are not too full of ourselves and our demands, that God can fill our hearts to overflowing.

It is in the night seasons that I hear the invitation, "Come up higher."

And with my empty cup in hand, I draw near.

"Speak, Abba Father, for your daughter is listening."

I speak to you at night so your heart is free from distraction, 

      for I have much to say to you. 

From where I am there is no darkness -- all is as bright as day.

For I am light, and when I say that you dwell 
      under the shadow of My wings, 

I speak of protection.

I do not use darkness the same way the enemy uses it. 

The enemy uses darkness to conceal, to deceive.

I use darkness to protect, to hide mysteries before their time.

The night seasons of your life are like winter seasons, 

       a time for inner renewal and rest.

My love is as bright as light -- 

you are surrounded and protected by My love.

My love is like a sifter... I sift everything before it touches you.

Even what you think is an adversity has been sifted 

      and has passed through My love.

What the enemy means to cause you pain and fear 

      is meant by Me to draw you near to Me.

I am replacing your incomplete understanding of My purposes 

      with a clearer picture.

I want you to know what My unconditional love is.

Despite the shortcomings and inadequacies you see in yourself, 
       and in others, 

My love is enduring and unchanging.
From my personal journal of God's messages to me

December 2, 2013, 2:02 a.m.
Central Virginia, USA

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When Less is More