To Live in Hearts

To live in hearts we leave behind
Is not to die.

- Thomas Campbell

Today I remember my husband Ernie in a very special way.

It is the third anniversary of his homegoing.

And although it's been three years since I last saw him alive, there is still a void, a huge gap in my heart that will remain empty for the rest of my earthly life.

One source of comfort I can hold on to is the thirty years' worth of beautiful memories that he and I made together.

Many of these memories are still fairly recent, and can be easily pulled up from where they are filed. Many others are buried under many layers, and may soon be forgotten.

Because this is a day I never want to forget, I wanted to make sure our family had a special way of remembering a very special person.

We went to the memorial park, placed some stones on his grave, then had breakfast at his favorite breakfast place.

In the evening, family and close friends gathered for dinner at a downtown hotel.

Many pictures of these events were taken and are now safely stored in my laptop and in a back up file in an external hard drive.

Now that Ernie is no longer around, I never ever want to forget him... his goodness as a person, his kindness, his generosity, his servant heart.

Others will never know him the way I did - and for me, that is the greatest privilege I have as his wife.

But even as I write these words, the question comes to my mind, "How long will these memories last?"

The truth hits me that I really cannot hold on to mere memories for comfort. There are still days when I miss Ernie very much - and I must be honest in saying that the memory of him, no matter how beautiful, can never undo the reality that he is no longer here. Memories of his kindness can never replace the warmth and the security of having him by my side.

It cannot be denied... there is pain in remembering.

In a real sense, I now walk through life alone to face and confront the issues of my present circumstances.

It helps when people are kind and thoughtful... but I cannot live the rest of my life expecting others to be good and considerate toward me.

No, that would be such a selfish way to live!

God has designed us in such a way that we learn and we grow and we mature through the painful experiences that we go through.

And after all is said and done, I now realize that my greatest comfort comes in knowing that heaven is a place where our beautiful memories are never forgotten! I just do not have the words to describe what my spirit tells me about heaven... but really, I believe that in heaven, our memories are not passive, like faded pictures in albums that have gathered dust through the years. In that place, there is no past... no future... just an eternal sense of timelessness. There memories, good or bad, take on a redeemed interpretation, and we see them from a heavenly perspective!

It is hard to put into words, but nevertheless, the thought brings much comfort to my pain.

Heaven is a place where God promised to wipe every tear from our eyes, a place where there is no sorrow, no sadness, just everlasting joy.

And today, as I remember Ernie, I am truly grateful for that thought!

---0---

Pictures from 2008, the last year we spent together in Chiang Mai, Thailand:

Our dining table in our flat - many happy memories of meals and conversation shared together

steps leading to our flat - for a year, this place was a haven of rest for us

dusk photo of Ernie, taken with his new camera after his return from Maui, Hawaii

in front of Maejo University, after we had gone shopping for a few essentials

taken on a Saturday, at the forest park behind our flat, on our way to downtown Chiang Mai, something we always looked forward to

sometimes I think that I can never have this kind of smile on my face again

taken during one of the many farewell parties given for us during our final weeks in Maejo University, Chiang Mai, Thailand

Pictures taken today, as we remember Ernie, with thanksgiving :



At the memorial park






At his favorite breakfast place:





A special thanksgiving dinner shared with family and close friends to celebrate Ernie's homegoing anniversary:

This is me with my dear friend Maggy, the owner of Sea Breeze Hotel, posing at the now empty buffet table. She is a gourmet chef... she lovingly prepared the delicious food that we all enjoyed this evening!

My grandson Matt... Ernie's lookalike!