To My Daughter: If I Could

The path ahead, the road we travel,
the direction of a ship at sea,
the Anglo Saxon origin of the word leadership.
How many willing follow the compelling vision of their leaders?

(caption taken from here)



My son, do not forget my law,
But let your heart keep my commands;
For length of days and long life
And peace they will add to you.

- Proverbs 3:1,2

I arrived in Bacolod City last Tuesday.

Somehow, after having been gone for nearly three months, it felt somewhat strange to be back in my own room, and in my own home. I walked through the different parts of the house slowly, trying to re-acquaint myself with what life was like before I left, and making a mental list of all the things that will be needing my immediate attention in the days to come.


These past days, I have of course been thinking very much of my daughter, Obedient One, now once again living by herself, far away from me.

In my last post, a dear blog friend Felisol, dropped by a second time and left a comment. Felisol is from Norway and her blog often features lovely pictures of her only daughter. I knew she could feel my heart. Her comment read:

Dear Lidj,

I just checked in on you, thinking you might be back, and perhaps a little sad.

I'm praying for you.

Sharing.

From felisol

What was it in her comment that moved me to tears?

One thing is certain, my blog friends have been given by God to me for this particular season in my life. And Felisol is one woman, among many, who understands.

I immediately went over to her blog site, and read a beautiful poem which is dedicated to her daughter. Her entry was entitled My Sepia Rose. In the post was a lovely sepia picture of Serina.

How this entry gripped my heart, and brought up many memories about my own daughter.

Here are a few of them.

Obedient One was born on December 7, 1984, a Friday morning. Ernie and I sat in our car parked in the hospital grounds, listening to Christmas carols while waiting for the labor contractions to intensify before checking into the hospital. Twice before, we had checked in, only to go back home several hours later because the labor did not progress, and each time, we had to pay costly admission fees. This time we knew better.

When I was certain that it was soon time for the baby to be born, I remember thanking God for the little one that was about to come into the world, through me. I realized that it was an awesome privilege. I asked God for a special anointing upon the baby's life, that he or she would be a constant reminder of His faithfulness to me.

I never had an ultra sound taken during my pregnancy, so when the obstetrician announced, "It's a girl!" I felt a joy surge up from inside of me. After two boys, to say I was happy to finally have a baby girl is really an understatement.

She was a vibrant, strong-willed, multi-talented little girl. Confidence oozed out of her. She was artistic, full of zest for life.

Ernie and I always spoke the truth to her, even if we knew it would hurt her. For example, we would tell her a vaccine shot would hurt, but it would be good for her. And somehow she would understand. This is what made her very secure in our love.

When she was hospitalized at three years of age, she would allow the nurses to get blood samples, insert a needle into her vein for the IV drip, and submit to all the tests the doctor required without so much as a whimper.

One thing that stood out in all her growing years is her obedient spirit. I recall that when she was eight years old, she and her friends went to a fair in one of the schools in our city. When she came home that afternoon, she mentioned something that struck me.

I asked her to tell me stories about how their day went.

She said, "Oh Mama, did you know that they had a Horror House at the fair?"

"Oh, and what happened at the Horror House?" I asked.

"All my friends went inside."

"And how about you?"

"I just waited for them until they came out, because Mama, I remembered what you told me before, that if I truly love Jesus, I would never want to go inside a Horror House which is the territory of the Enemy. And I truly love Jesus."

I hugged her then, and told her how much I appreciated her obedient heart.

For me, that meant a lot, to have a little girl who at an early age has decided that she truly loves Jesus, and therefore, will not want to have anything to do with the enemy.

There are probably a thousand stories about my daughter just waiting to be told...

She grew up wanting to do all things well. She graduated from elementary school as the class valedictorian, from high school as the class salutatorian...

She graduated from university, with a B.S. degree in Applied Economics, magna cum laude.

Obedient One is also a dancer. During her university days, she was the team captain of their college cheer dance team.

Three years ago, a year after her university graduation, she decided to get a job in Manila. This was a major move for her, and for our family.

Metro Manila is not at all like Bacolod City where she grew up. Bacolod City is our comfort zone, a quiet, laid back city with a beautiful rural-urban mix: not too rural, not too urban. But Metro Manila is like any modern day city, where you are just a face in the crowd, a ticket number, a nobody.

So in keeping with our commitment to bring our children safely over to the other side of the river, I had to visit her almost every month just to make sure she was coping and adjusting well. I helped her become familiar with the bus and the train rides, the important landmarks, how to keep herself safe while commuting to and from work, how to be on her own. Together we looked for a church where she would grow in her relationship with the Lord, which I kept reminding her was of utmost importance.

The year that Ernie and I spent in Chiang Mai, Thailand, from 2007-2008, and I was unable to visit her often like before, proved that she had already reached the other side safely... and that she was able to weather the storms of adjusting to a new pace, and a new environment, on her own.

Of course, the fact that she already had a home to live in made all the difference. But still, there were emotional, and psychological changes that she needed to go through.

The biggest adjustment for her, I think, is her idealism. I know she still struggles with this up to now. She has to learn how to face reality, as she constantly deals with disappointments.

But it is her life... and much as I want to always be there for her, it isn't possible.

For the longest time, I have carried the label, "Problem Solver" for our family. Somehow, I assumed this heavy role and responsibility for many, many years... until recently.

God revealed to me that this was never a burden He intended for me to carry. I still remember the night just about a year ago when I removed this label from my heart and gave the label to Jesus!

It is difficult, but I am learning to let go of Obedient One in stages... and have found comfort in entrusting her to the One Who alone is able to watch over her perfectly. Daily I fervently pray that God will break through for her, give her a deep revelation of His Father heart for her, give her experiences that will deepen her own faith in Him, and continually bring her to the next level of his kingdom agenda for her.

I am asking my heavenly Father that in the midst of her quarterlife struggles, she will get to know God in a way she never has before.

As I come to the end of this sharing, I just want to echo what my husband Ernie said to our daughter on her 18th birthday during which we honored her, and released her to her destiny, in a Batbarakah (Daughter of the Blessing) ceremony. And I say to you, my dear Obedient One: "I am proud to call you my daughter, and I am doubly proud to be called your mother. You are my beloved daughter in whom I am well pleased!"



Below is a picture of me and Obedient One, taken when she was a year old. I was 32 in this picture, and that was 24 years ago!

One song that always bring tears to my eyes is the song, If I Could, by Barbara Streisand. I could very well have written these beautiful lines for my daughter. I've posted it here, for those of you who may want to hear it sung so beautifully! I've also included the lyrics at the end of today's post.

Here are the lyrics of this beautiful song:

If I Could
(Songwriters: Sharron, Martha Vanessa; Hirsch, Kenny; Miller, Ronald Norman)

If I could
I'd protect you from the sadness in your eyes
Give you courage in a world of compromise

Yes I would

If I could
I would teach you all the things I've never learned
And I'd help you cross the bridges that I've burned
Yes I would

If I could
I would try to shield your innocence from time
But the part of life I gave you isn't mine
I've watched you grow so I could let you go

If I could
I would help you make it through the hungry years
But I know that I can never cry your tears
But I would, if I could

If I live
In a time and place where you don't want to be
You don't have to walk along this road with me
My yesterday won't have to be your way

If I knew
How to try to change the world I brought you to
And there isn't very much that I can do
But I would, if I could

If I could
I would try to shield your innocence from time
But the part of life I gave you isn't mine
I've watched you grow so I could let you go

If I could
I would help you make it through those hungry years
But I know that I can never cry your tears
But I would, if I could
Yes I would, yes I would
If I could

Dear reader, if you are a mother like me, surely you can also relate to this song. I have sung it so often, I know the lines by heart. But the greatest freedom for me came when I realized that it is true: the part of life I gave my children isn't mine.

My life belongs to the Lord, my Creator. I am merely a steward of this borrowed life and its accompanying opportunities, including bringing up, and nurturing my children for Christ. It is to Him, my God and King, that I am to give an account.

May I be found faithful when the time comes for me to stand before His throne.

(A special thanks to Felisol for inspiring my heart to write this post.)



Other posts about Obedient One:

It Will Take Forever

In the Midst of the Pain